Thanks for appropriately chiding me for my petty response. I agree it was petty.
The reasons I would keep the name are twofold. One, I would like my children and I to have the same last name. Two, an extended family member has my old name now and I just would feel weird having the same exact name. OK, threefold....after 19 years of having this name, it feels like my name and so I see no obligation to revert to the old name. It has zero to do with hurting him.
Why am I not keeping the house? Because I don’t like the house. I haven’t liked the house since when I thought we needed a bigger house due to us going from a family of four to a family of five, H flat-out refused to even consider it. Instead, we “compromised” by him building a bedroom in the basement. I said if we weren’t gonna move, then could we please hire someone to do the improvements. He has a history of swearing, throwing things, and being generally disagreeable and scary when doing projects. I also wanted it to look professionally done, all done to code, all legal permits from the city drawn, etc. He insisted, such that he decided, that he could do it on the cheap, so he did, and he did not pull permits. Earlier, same deal with the rec room where he did it on the cheap and did not pull permits. This was against my advice and my OK, despite me being co-owner. Fence for yard, same deal, don’t even consult me on what type of fence, just went with cheapest fence, cheapest quote...fence and gate looks horrible. He did get a permit for the fence. Anyway, I don’t want this house. He’s the one emotionally attached to it and has agreed to keep it. I want a fresh start with my own place, my own things. I feel he’s dictated enough decisions.
Yes I make more money than him. I got a job out of college that utilizes my skills and I’m happy to work. I’m not happy to have to work full time while he willfully only works part time. Early in our marriage, he finished a college degree but has failed to get a job that would utilize those skills and remains in the same kind of somewhat low-paying job he’s had since we married. When the kids were little, he was working FT and I was therefore able to cut back to half time while they were little. However, he then experienced a mental health crisis that pretty much forced me to pick up hours to accommodate him getting a part time job. At the time, I agreed to work full time so he could have less stress and recover from his issues. However, that part time thing became permanent and my resentment grew. My resentment boiled over when I discovered, having also then taken over bill-paying and financial planning so he would not have so much “stress” that made him grumpy, irritable, and angry at us and the kids—-discovered that he had developed a severe gambling problem. It became clear why we could never pay off our credit card bills, why it felt like we never had enough money, why I was needed to work full time. I admit I let him take care of all the bills when the kids were little. It was a shock when I did take over and discovered this nonsense. Credit card cash advances, casino ATM withdrawals, etc, etc. Oh was I pissed! But I considered it at the time to all be included in his mental health problems, so I agreed to working full time while he got his mind in order. Well, his mind is still not completely in order, I’m very done with feeling constantly on edge about money and has he gone gambling again, and why can’t he get a better job and why is this all on my shoulders while he does what he wants when he wants in his off time......well, and there are other issues I haven’t even discussed here that contribute to my decision to sever ties with H except for shared child-raising.
I know I will be the one paying him child support. I know I will need to work full time until I can retire (in about 12 years!) I know I will have to give him half the house, half my pension, half my retirement account, and he’ll have to do the same, but in the end I will be so relieved not to have to worry and wonder every single day about how his actions affect our finances. The relief from that constant worry will be so worth it. I did manage to save enough in my retirement fund for the both of us. I felt I had to almost hide away as much of my paycheck as possible so he couldn’t gamble it away, so I did end up saving a LOT of money. I’m glad about that.
So, yes, I made a mistake in saying that in front of our son. H made a mistake in bringing up divorce stuff in front of our son. We were both wrong.
He is, finally, btw, going to be working full time beginning this summer, and this is at his current place of employment, and due to someone quitting and he being able to pick up their duties. He will still only be making about half of what I do, but that’s his choice not to try for employment that would use his college degree in a better-compensated job.
So, I acknowledge huge resentment over the years and I need to work on not letting it affect the kids during the divorce. They do know, however, about the gambling because he told them. They kept wondering why he had meetings every Friday so he finally told them he was attending Gamblers Anonymous. Once we live apart, I think we can both be reasonable for the kids.
I am looking forward to it.