Keeping husband’s last name/snark

[Ihavehadenoughalready]

STBX just announced that he is a “firm believer” that for women “giving up on the marriage” (meaning me, evidently), that they should “have to give up the husband’s name”.

I have already told him at least twice that I am not changing my name back due to several reasons, all of which I already discussed with him, and said furthermore, that he had no say in the matter and it’s none of his business what a woman wants to do with her last name.

Then he said once we are divorced, that he will no longer refer to me as a member of the (last name)s, and so then I said, well, if you’re gonna be pissy about it, I’ll insult you as well, so I said “Good luck paying for the house after we’re divorced”. (I make 3X what he does so it’ll be interesting to see how he thinks he can afford the house. I’ve opted for moving to an apartment big enough for me and our three kids).

So he said “what’s that supposed to mean?”

And then I hear my son say as I’m walking away “it means you don’t make enough money, Dad.”

Oh god I can’t wait for this divorce to be over!!

I kept my married surname post divorce and l certainly don't think I'm better than those who never got married. What a strange view to have.

It's important to me to have the same name as my children. Also l was married for so long that everything is in my married name and what a hassle to change it all!

The women I personally know who kept their lastname after divorce did it because it was easier when they had primary school aged children.

Saying that my partner's ex is likely to never change her name unless remarried as her family lastname is a bit of a mystery. As the name is as common as mud like the rest of her names she's welcome to it.

There as my lastname is rare I refuse to change it and have ensured it is part of my DC lastname.

I think that’s an odd perspective MitziK.

After 19 years, surely the married name would feel more like your name than your original one?

@FuriousVexation, I do agree that the mother's name should probably be the default, for the reasons you mention. I'm definitely against the attitude a lot of men display where they don't actually want to marry the mother of their children but think the kids should automatically have their own last name. My dh's name comes from his dad, who was adopted by his step father so I do agree it makes little sense from an accurate family tree pov.
From my own, admittedly shallow perspective, I quite like that women get a chance to change their name, if they dislike the one they were born with. I know deed poll does that too but it tends to upset parents, whereas marriage gives a reason that they don't feel offended by.

Would have thought that if you despised somebody so much, you wouldn't want to be seen as part of him for the rest of your life, personally.
My ex is not the only person with that name; it's the name of my children, their whole extended family. I don't associate it only with him.

I've kept my married name because that's the name my clients know me under. At one point I changed my email address, let all my clients know, and I am very easy to google, but even so I got people phoning me and saying they thought I'd retired as they couldn't get through on email. Imagine the chaos if my actual name changed .

I live in Germany, and my ex's name is the German equivalent of being called "Mrs Turde" in English. However, it is much easier for Germans to spell and remember than my maiden name, and I've used it for 22 years. I loved my maiden name, but having changed names once, basically I don't really care what I'm called. My surname has no emotional meaning to me at all, any more than my social security number. It never felt like "my name", and as a result I've got used to a name just being a name, and totally unimportant.

Just do what's right for you and the kids......if you're divorcing it's none of his business if you keep your married name or not! You can call yourself anything you like........one deed poll name I know of is max velocity!
And, although it would be better for your Ido not Ben involved, they are, it's their family that's separating and as such will be in the middle of things, unfortunately.

On his (second) Wedding Night, I got a barrage (and I mean barrage) of messages from my ExH and his new Wife telling me to chnage my name, that it was hers now, etc. etc. I replied in an email to my ExH and my ExPiLs (who are mostly reasonable) that I was surprised they had nothing better to do on their Wedding Night; that the name was legally mine and had been for almost half my life; that it was the same as my Children's (though I was happy to change the surname for all of us if he gave consent) and pretty much everything legal was in that name and I had enough to do as a Single Parent without creating lots of unnecessary paperwork for myself. I heard nothing further. Ironically, at School, I was trying to get them to call me "X's Mother" rather than Mrs Y, but, hey, all the reasons I gave were true and are the reason that, whatever my marital status, so long as my Children are small, I shall almost certainly keep my former married name.

Well, as the child from a later relationship growing up with another man's name (and the input from half siblings saying I had no right to it, I wasn't and never would be one of their family), I accept I might have some additional baggage - but the 'it's Mine! I'm keeping it and you can't stop me!' 'I'm a MRS, not one of those unmarried Mums' was definitely one of the main benefits in her eyes - and of the other person I knew you does it.

Like I said, it's a perspective.