Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I think he’s a narc potential sociopath and yet I still love him, why?

69 replies

Doideservethis · 23/04/2019 23:05

I’ve come home from work and my DP has disappeared again. Taken his things and has gone. His destination is a mystery to me, it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. There has been no warning of this whatsoever, he seemed fine but every time his exit comes as a shock.

  We have 1 DD together who will be in bits when she finds out her dad has gone again. He usually stays away for a few weeks on end and when asked where he’s been he never gives a straight answer. He’s cheated in the past but he never leaves for good he always comes back and I’m stupid enough to keep taking him back. 

    Family and friends hate him for what he does to me and my DD and my dad (practising psychologist) has a strong belief he’s a sociopath because he doesn’t feel empathy like the rest of us do. 

   He blames me for his disappearances and his behaviour and whilst I accept I’m not perfect I don’t think I deserve this. He controls my every movement but the control is quite subtle wo it never really looks unreasonable to the outside world. 

   He will come back, it’s inevitable, and I know I need to walk away, but how? I have attempted to move on twice before but he always steps in at my most vulnerable moments. I regularly talk at conferences and he will seek me out if I don’t return his calls etc. 

  How do you stop thinking about someone you love so much?

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 23/04/2019 23:08

Don't let him back in!

PicsInRed · 23/04/2019 23:10

Clever isn't he?

Stays away 2 weeks, so comes back right when you're putty. Firms up that trauma bond to maximum effect.

Doesn't stay away 3 months, does he? Because then you'd be over the dusty fuckstick.

Lock him out. Count to 3 (months).

terftastic1984 · 23/04/2019 23:12

Lock the door. If he tries to force his way in, ring police.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2019 23:12

Why don't you make it the last time he puts you through this ?

cliquewhyohwhy · 23/04/2019 23:14

Do you own or rent? Who's name is the house in?

Meandwinealone · 23/04/2019 23:14

Trauma bonds
Intermittent rewards
Love bomb
Devalue
Discard
Rinse and repeat.

You need to read up on all of this. Learn about it. See a therapist specialising in narcissists.

But mainly you need to work it out yourself, because still loving him is what’s keeping you doing this. And your the only one that can save yourself and ultimately your dd

Darlingheart · 23/04/2019 23:16

I'm sorry but you need to put your child first now. Keep him out!! It's one thing to disappear from your life, but his child's?!?! Come on OP you know you can't live like this! ... Be strong for both you and your daughter and leave this selfish, inconsiderate arsehole as he is laughing at you!!

Original poster

Doideservethis · 23/04/2019 23:16

I don’t know why I don’t walk away, I wish I did. I have been strong previously but he’s managed to infiltrate my life again.

 We have high overheads, we have a mortgaged house but without him we’d have to move which would mean disruption to my DD and frankly me too. When I stepped back last time and worked out the economics I think I’d really struggle without him, he’s self employed so can hide his income fairly well

OP posts:

Darlingheart · 23/04/2019 23:21

But surely the disruption of him disappearing with whoever, wherever by far outweighs anything else?

englishdictionary · 23/04/2019 23:37

it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last.

Why not? You are better than that.

DamnShesaSexyChick · 23/04/2019 23:40

I think it's disgraceful you are allowing him to do this to you and your daughter

Wheresmyvagina · 23/04/2019 23:46

You have a child for god sake! Don't let him come back!

Lefty1 · 23/04/2019 23:57

He’ll eventually leave you and leave your mental health and confidence in tatters. He will leave you in the lurch financially as you won’t have time to plan as it will be when you’re expecting him to return. DONT let him do this to you, leave on YOUR terms and start making plans to execute this strategy , if not to protect your own lifestyle to protect your lifestyle (financially ) for your children. If he really is a sociopath then he will not feel any guilt about leaving your children in the lurch . Protect their future and their mental well-being by disentangling yourself from this selfish man .

CJsGoldfish · 24/04/2019 00:04

If your father really is a practising psychologist then surely he recognises that it is YOU that needs the help here?

This is not love and you are not allowing him back due to love. You should be working on yourself and trying to figure out why you are opening yourself and your child up to such emotional abuse.

You let him back and YOU are the real problem here. Your child will not thank you.

SleepWarrior · 24/04/2019 00:05

Is it just the finances?

Sociopaths/psychopaths can be very charming and commanding. They know how to play people and get what they want, how to treat people badly but still be just nice enough to have them come running back. It's all about him if he is like that - you can only ever play a part in the 'Him' show. Is that enough for you?

Don't dismiss yourself so much that you feel taking him back again is an inevitability because that's what you've always done. This is this time, and you can do whatever you want .

Preggosaurus9 · 24/04/2019 00:07

To answer your thread title, because you don't know what love is. You are confusing the word "love" with a bunch of other feelings and emotions. Sunk cost fallacy, matrydom, low self esteem, traumatised.

That's not the point though really. You need to put your DD first and protect her at all costs.

prawnsword · 24/04/2019 00:14

He is doing untold psychological damage to your daughter. You both would be better off dirt poor & away from him. So what if you have to move house & finances are tight ? To a sociopath you are just a pawn in his game. To be picked up & put down on a whim. Please if not for yourself, do this for your little girl.

prawnsword · 24/04/2019 00:20

Also to answer your Q - you feel love because your feelings were real. You have empathy. You want to see the good in who you thought he was. You make excuses for his emotional & psychological abuse. You don’t want to let go of feeling love - but the problem is you’re chasing a feeling. It’s all in your head. He isn’t a real person in the way we are. You have been manipulated, worn down & exploited. You don’t want to believe the truth of who he is & want to hold onto the feeling of how it was when it was good. You know if he could just see what you see, understand your pain things could be wonderful again. It’s all a lie. You are a bit part in the movie of his life. You deserve to truly love yourself, play the lead role & be the star in your daughter’s life. Channel the love you have to give into putting your daughter’s heart first.

fullprice · 24/04/2019 00:24

I loved a man for 5 years who was an absolute nArcissist. I couldn’t stop despite knowing rationally that he was no good for me. In the end he left me , when a work opportunity he wanted more than anything came up and required him to move.

I woood echo what melovewine wrote. You should read up on what she listed.

Also, is there by any chance a CODA group near you? They are co-dependents anonymous. Have a look at their compliance patterns coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

Does any of it strike a chord?

fullprice · 24/04/2019 00:33

Or www.slaauk.org/

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 24/04/2019 07:18

without him we’d have to move which would mean disruption to my DD and frankly me too

The one off disruption of moving house (which most people go through just fine) is surely much less than the ongoing trauma of living with a narcissist who regularly fucks off for weeks at a time, cheats on her mother and is abusive? Or are you under the impression that you are somehow managing to keep all this tension, misery and periodic abandonment a secret from your child?

category12 · 24/04/2019 07:33

Disruption to your dd?!

What about the disruption and emotional damage he keeps doing to her by his behaviour? If you can't do it for yourself, do it for her. She deserves a stable environment, not living like this at the mercy of his whims.

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad." At least take responsibility for your side and do your best not to, by showing her this is not the way to have relationships and providing her a safe home emotionally, without him in it.

Aussiebean · 24/04/2019 08:06

Your dd will be in bits (AGAIN) when she discovers he is gone (AGAIN)

Moving (ONCE) will be a disruption to dd.

So when she is an adult, going through therapy because she has a string of abusive relationships behind her, which bit is going to be the stand out?

An abusive father who would constantly abandon her with no notice and with no apology or explanation.

A permissive mother, who constantly allowed him to come and go at whim. Allowed him to treat her dd with zero love or empathy.

Having to move house because her mother refused to allow an abusive man to treat her and her daughter with such distain that she wanted to ensure her daughter had a stable, loving and safe environment to spend her childhood in.

How do you move on and not get sucked back in? If you can’t do it for yourself, you do it for your dd!

Muzzyarker · 24/04/2019 09:26

If it were that simple as lock him out/leave him, how easy life would be, nobody would ever stay in an unhealthy situation. I feel for you. MN is not the best place to ask for advice regarding serious issues as along with kind comments you will get as many (if not more) unkind ones from judgemental people who are not trained to counsel and are oblivious to your reality. Get some professional help (not your dad). Try not to listen to all the judgemental comments. You need support not shame. Nobody knows until they have walked in your shoes, it is all too easy to judge on things we have no personal first hand experience of and even if we do, we are all different and do not respond or react same as the next person. I grew up in similar situation you describe, I knew my mum loved me and I have NEVER blamed her for staying. My mum never bad mouthed my dad to me. She did talk to me at appropriately throughout my childhood, she never tried to pretend my dads behaviour was normal or ok. I found out what an arse he is by myself as I grew up. I also came to understand he has a personality disorder and does love me although it wouldn't seem so. I see my mum as a strong woman and actually feel compassion for my dad. If anything it made me realise life is not a bed of roses and throws all sorts of pain and trials at us. My childhood did not set me up for a string of broken relationships, maybe I got lucky (married, 7 children, yes all my husbands, comfortable in myself). I have a few friends who had a seemingly happy secure childhoods and have gone from one disastrous abusive relationship to another. Hope you find strength to do what is best for you and your daughter. Wishing you peace and happiness xx

SimonJT · 24/04/2019 09:28

He sounds like my mother, she has been pulling this crap for 35 years, it won’t stop, it will also screw up your daughters ideas of what a relationship should be.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread