I think he’s a narc potential sociopath and yet I still love him, why?

[Doideservethis]

I’ve come home from work and my DP has disappeared again. Taken his things and has gone. His destination is a mystery to me, it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. There has been no warning of this whatsoever, he seemed fine but every time his exit comes as a shock.

  We have 1 DD together who will be in bits when she finds out her dad has gone again. He usually stays away for a few weeks on end and when asked where he’s been he never gives a straight answer. He’s cheated in the past but he never leaves for good he always comes back and I’m stupid enough to keep taking him back. 

    Family and friends hate him for what he does to me and my DD and my dad (practising psychologist) has a strong belief he’s a sociopath because he doesn’t feel empathy like the rest of us do. 

   He blames me for his disappearances and his behaviour and whilst I accept I’m not perfect I don’t think I deserve this. He controls my every movement but the control is quite subtle wo it never really looks unreasonable to the outside world. 

   He will come back, it’s inevitable, and I know I need to walk away, but how? I have attempted to move on twice before but he always steps in at my most vulnerable moments. I regularly talk at conferences and he will seek me out if I don’t return his calls etc. 

  How do you stop thinking about someone you love so much?

I've been in a pretty similar place OP. I know how hard it is. I know how hurt you are. But you need to start being strong. To put your child first. You are damaging your child by allowing this behaviour to impact on them. You can't change him but you can change you.

You can have agency for your own actions. However much you think you love him (and how can you really when he treats you like this), you need to cut contact and block him and heal.

I would suggest counselling - it really helps.

This man is walking in and out of your life and treating you and your child badly. You have power to do something, however painful and hard it is.

I am so much happier now. Life is stable and calm and the constant anxiety I had has gone. My children are happy too, because I am. And I'm modelling what good relationships are. I'm providing stability and happiness and actually, it's bloody lovely.

There are so much resources out there. There is so much help - take the plunge and do it.

(My mother did the same btw with my father- don't underestimate how it impacts on your child. . My mother says she wasted her life on my father. )

My ex-dps on-off partner has been doing it for years. She now has a child. God how damaging for everyone. How stressful, how anxiety ridden, how miserable. And how completely destructive and soul-destroying to base your life around one person.

Join the rest of us :(

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3558313-why-am-i-so-upset-what-s-wrong-with-me-narcissist-ex

I'm currently trying to convince mine I'm not playing games.

This is shit.

You need to stand still and think. Just stop.

Remove the feeling of loss from your tummy - it's just a physical feeling.

Now, you need to muster up every ounce of strength you have in your soul and say 'THIS IS THE FUCKING END OF THIS SHIT'.

Call your Dad, your Mum, your siblings, your friends.

Get a pen and paper and start to plan.

You don't sound stupid, so you can do this. I wouldn't have classed myself as thick, but I stayed 6 years.

You can end this now. Why would you end it? Because he's a cunt.

You need to feel that pain and loss and realise that it's as painful as a belt across the face. And you need to get fucking angry.

Build up an army of support around you and arm yourself for the inevitable return.

Repeat to yourself. He's a cunt.

Repeat to yourself. I deserve a loving guy, because I'm amazing.

You can still have feelings for someone who treats you badly but don't assume those emotions mean you're better off with him. He would treat anyone this way. The best thing to do is look at what you want for your future and look to supportive people around you - work on your confidence. You deserve better

getmyfrownupsidedown why are you trying to convince him? It's a game to him. He knows you'll be back. Because you're his. It doesn't matter what he thinks. When you have decided it's over, it's over. It's all about you, not him.

Just block and don't engage. or grey rock if you have to.

@Sunlov Can I borrow you for a month or two please?

@AnnaNimmity I guess I don't want him to think something that's not true. I know in my head you are right... the rest of me just needs to catch up.

Thank you

I know it's hard, but really, it doesn't matter what he thinks. Do what makes you feel good. And everything else will follow....

I didn’t expect so many replies, thank you so much and for the links. I’ve been reading up on some of this today and it is helping me understand that he has a very real and serious problem. I suppose another reason for my reluctance to completely shut the door is that if I do actually shut him out of my life it will mean he will go NC with our daughter, it’s what he has done and what he keeps threatening me with. And yes he’s a pig but she loves him dearly. He means it and he will do it.

   For those of you that have escaped how did you do it? What was the turning point? It’s not just the house, I’m financially very tied to him and we haven’t been married very long so I stand to lose a lot. I have a job which pays ok but it’ll never support me here. I loved from Scotland and don’t want to go back if I can help it, my daughter is thriving and I have a good network here. 

 I should probably go and see a solicitor but he has access to my bank account, every single transaction and I wouldn’t want him knowing I’ve been foradvice. Can I go anywhere else? 

  I don’t even know where he is at the moment, probably with someone else. 

Thanks for the kindness.

Sorry to post again but those that successfully moved on did you find love again? I’m worried I’ll never let anyone in again. I feel too damaged.

You may be able to find a solicitor who does a free first half-hour consultation for initial advice?

Could your parents loan you the money for one on the quiet?
You could also speak to Women's Aid, they can signpost and advise you.

In the meantime, why not open a bank account he doesn't know about online, start siphoning off an escape fun?

funD

Start adding cash back in small amounts to your supermarket shop and then pay it into your new account. Also adding money onto a savings card (Asda do them) is handy to have an amount you can use for food.

Contact CAB for advice to see if you may qualify for any help.

How old is your DD?

Use this thread for advice and support, MN is a valuable resource as so many of us have lived through separation,’divorce and abusive relationships. Sad but true.

Don’t worry about any new relationships for a good while!

I didn’t think about Citizens advice. My dad would help me financially I just need to pluck up the courage to speak to him and ask for help, not easy for me as I am very proud.

I’m going to contact my payroll department tomorrow and find out if they can pay my salary into a new bank account which I’ll open later this week. He will notice that my salary isn’t going in but it means he can’t cut me off our joint account yet. Feel like I’ve been a fool, I have. I access to our savings, just our shared current account but that has a decent amount in it so I may just take half out and leave him with the other half.

If we were to divorce would he have to pay for my daughters schooling? She’s at a prep school at the moment and I’m loathe to move her. I’m scurrying about the house trying to get evidence of his income because he will try and hide it if I insist on a divorce and payments

Get the house valued, he can come back to a For Sale sign.

Honestly, it sounds like your daughter would be better off without his toxic presence and influence in her life. What sort of father treats his kid like this?!

There's no guarantee he'll have to pay for private school, but frankly that's the least of your problems

So that's it? You and your Dd won't hear from him for a few weeks? Please think about how insecure that must make her feel and start planning your exit.

What sort of father treats his kid like this?!

A cunt!

And yes, I moved on quite quickly. I think it was because to me the relationship was over anyway for a long time. But you can't sit on the fence on this one or you'll torture yourself. You're either with him, or he can go the fuck to rot in hell.

He'll have has boots under another woman's table in months.

You my lovely, will get your ass in gear and maybe find a nice man too in a while.

@Getmyfrownupsidedown

If only I took my own advice years sooner!

You can't put an old head on young shoulders, so they say.

It's fucking hard to try to take advice. You don't have the wisdom that comes behind the advice. So you're almost blindly following someone else's advice and hoping for the best.

@Sunlov
It is fucking hard. I'm in physical turmoil and I'm trying so hard to break free.

I'm happy to hear you got out!

Moving house and school are nothing disruption wise compared to her dad periodically disappearing. That poor girls heart is being broken over and over again.

Children need stability and this "marriage" will never supply that. He's blatantly disrespecting you and abandoning his child over and over.

Get yourself STD tested asap, put your pride to one side and ask your dad for help. I'm sure he would be delighted to help get you away from this discusting individual.

Forget all these excuses (said in kindness) you are making to yourself and ask yourself with honesty, is this what you want for the rest of your life and is this heartbreak what you want for your daughter?

agree with PP, your daughter can move schools - a free state school and stability with you are worth so much more than this to her.

You need to put your daughter first even if you can't do it for you. Your child doesn't need to see you unhappy, unable to function. Your child doesn't need to see this as the way that relationships work. Your child doesn't need her father treating her like this. If you can't do it for you, do it for her.

@Getmyfrownupsidedown

For me, financial dependence was the main reason for me staying. I literally couldn't see a way to balance the books without him. If you can get that bit sorted, you'll find the rest plain sailing.

There is of course the element of emotional support and being dependent on them. But I think women who are in a financially independent position find it far easier to leave. When you've the option of staying with a cunt or possibly ending up on the streets, it's far far harder.

For that reason - I'd focus ALL your attention now on getting into a strong financial position. If that's saving, applying for a better paid job, checking out cheaper accommodation etc, make that your plan.

Having friends and family who care is a massive help too - I didn't. Friends just got sick of me continually going back. They didn't understand I suppose.