I think he’s a narc potential sociopath and yet I still love him, why?

[Doideservethis]

I’ve come home from work and my DP has disappeared again. Taken his things and has gone. His destination is a mystery to me, it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. There has been no warning of this whatsoever, he seemed fine but every time his exit comes as a shock.

  We have 1 DD together who will be in bits when she finds out her dad has gone again. He usually stays away for a few weeks on end and when asked where he’s been he never gives a straight answer. He’s cheated in the past but he never leaves for good he always comes back and I’m stupid enough to keep taking him back. 

    Family and friends hate him for what he does to me and my DD and my dad (practising psychologist) has a strong belief he’s a sociopath because he doesn’t feel empathy like the rest of us do. 

   He blames me for his disappearances and his behaviour and whilst I accept I’m not perfect I don’t think I deserve this. He controls my every movement but the control is quite subtle wo it never really looks unreasonable to the outside world. 

   He will come back, it’s inevitable, and I know I need to walk away, but how? I have attempted to move on twice before but he always steps in at my most vulnerable moments. I regularly talk at conferences and he will seek me out if I don’t return his calls etc. 

  How do you stop thinking about someone you love so much?

Wtf? My DP is currently away on a golf trip and 8 year old DS was crying for him last night and cuddling his pyjamas. He's only away for three nights and sends regular messages.

Anyone inflicting a painful, unexplained absence on my child would be dead to me. The first time would be the last time.

I'm sorry, I'd like to be sympathetic but I'm baffled by this action, both his and yours.

Either you don't believe he is one OR, it's not love, it's conditioning/addiction. Your dd should be able to explain to you how these sorts work: they hurt you but you turn to them to absolve this hurt, which they might momentarily, but then they hurt you again. So you get caught in a cycle of your emotions being dependent on them.

Nobody loves a narcissist, not if they truly know what they are and believe it that is.

@Sunlov
I'm not reliant on him financially and I have a great support network... they're trying to understand but I do hear LTB more often than not.

@Doideservethis
I'd like to think I had better resolve if there was a child involved, but I know all to well it's so hard once you're involved. I hope the advice you are hearing on here helps you to be strong. If I find my turning point I will let you know

Go and see your bank and remove him from your account. You need your own money and the privacy to spend it as you wish. Alternatively, withdraw the money for seeing the solicitor in cash. If he asks what it's for tell him it's none of his business.

Then figure out how you're going to afford to live without him. You'll have to sell the house, but you need to be financially independent. While you're tied to him and can't afford to mortgage payments without his contributions, he's got you! Downsize, if necessary. If it's just you and your DD you only need a small 2-bed place.

And if your DF is a clinical psychologist go and have a real chat with him. He knows about people like your DH so go and pick his brains. You need some knowledge in your arsenal. It sounds like you've heard the warnings, but chosen to stick your head in the sand while he waltzes in and out making a fool of you.

Check out Lundy Bancroft's books.

And please, in the nicest way possible, grow a fucking spine! Your DD is learning from you how to be as a woman in a relationship. If the example you give her throughout her childhood is one of being a doormat to an abusive and manipulative man, you're setting her up for a lifetime of misery in her own relationships. Be a good example to her. Don't let him blackmail you into sticking with him. If he goes NC with you both it will be the best thing that could happen.

And go and get yourself checked for STDs. Those affairs he's having could be putting your health at risk if he's coming home and having unprotected sex with you afterwards.

I wish I'd come to a thread like this sooner. I've just spent the last week realising that my closest ever friend is a narc and having just been put through the wringer yet again of a love bomb, devalue, discard cycle I feel utterly spent and worthless. And I'm not even in a proper relationship with him.
Problem is that even if you realise what they are doing and back off they just try even harder next time so the fall is even worse.

I watched a couple of You Tube videos on the narcissist and the empath relationship and that was quite an eye opener. I find it empowering to know that we are behaving in a certain psychological pattern. That I'm not special and he's not special it's just human behaviour and he's being a narc cunt. I am determined not to do this again and you should too- especially for your daughter. I wish you all the luck in the world to break free.

And no, he doesn't have to pay school fees unless it's in the divorce financial agreement (either agreed between the two of you or mandated by a judge), but tbh, if he's that manipulative it might be worth applying for a state school place for her just so you can be financially independent. Those school fees are something he can hold over you, so the more independent you are, the less you need him, the more the power shifts to you.

Actually he may just surprise you if he's a narc. They can't bear to look bad to other people, so he may just stump up on the school fees.

But agree, you are doing your child such a dis-service by doing this. I speak as a child of a mother who did this to me through my childhood, and also as an ex of someone (not my children's father) who I showed my kids in the worse possible way what a relationship should NOT be like. In the end my dd asked me not to ever get back with him again. That is a very sobering position to be in.

@Getmyfrownupsidedown

What do you think your greatest barrier is to leaving?

Even my ex's mother told me to just leave him. They blamed me as being the cause for him being violent. Apparently he was lovely until he met me By all accounts he's lovely again now!
It can make you feel like it is all your fault. If he hasn't done it before or since, then I'm the only common denominator. That's hard to stomach as it proves to you that he was right, and that I provoked him.
A bitter pill to swallow.

Continued advice appreciated thank you. Have a mtg set up with the bank next week to get a sole account and have also arranged an appt with a solicitor. He sent cupcakes to my office today, ppl I work with think he’s lovely but if only they knew. That’s his cue he will be back soon. I don’t even know where he’s been, there must be someone else. Might be why he’s been withdrawing his affection and withholding sex.

I’m embarrassed that I have to get a Sti check but shall also see if I can find a walk in clinic. Looking at properties to rent, I live in Zone 2 in London so would prefer to stay quite close as I walk to work and school close (that’s if he will pay fees). Need to plan for worse case so Ofstead here I come. Not sure how I’ll afford London.

Struggled through the day, I know what I need to do but life will be shit for a long time, will need to look for a second job. Despise self for being anchored to him financially.

He's a manipulative twat, cupcakes ffs. You should have told everyone the truth. Don't let him keep up his 'lovely' facade, let people know that he's an abusive bastard, you'll probably get a lot of support.

I would drop the cupcakes at the nearest food bank

I think I would be more tempted put them in a blender for when he gets back and force-feed them too him through a funnel.

He's no more pleasant or useful than a festering bag of garbage.

This may be useful to you OP freedomprogramme.co.uk/ as you profess to 'love' this man who treats you with such contempt. You have a lot of practical matters to deal with at the moment, but once you've extricated yourself physically and financially, you might want to do this programme so you don't fall into the same trap of ending with another abusive man.

Well done for making the appointments - you've taken the first step.

So as an update to the thread I’ve been to the bank and got a separate account and have given payroll the details. I’ve been to see a solicitor and it doesn’t bode well he’s self employed and could alter his earnings but she said legislation is changing and he will be required to be more transparent so he may only need to give me the minimum. I have taken photocopies of some statements of his I’ve found tucked away which shows roughly his earnings so I’m hoping this will help.

Area I’m currently living in I can’t afford so been looking for more affordable options. Cheaper options are in much dodgier areas where the schooling isn’t very good but I don’t think I have much choice. Angry today and hate him for making such a mess of things and being so out of control. Haven’t heard from him since cupcakes so who who knows where he is. I keep looking for concrete evidence of another woman. Days like this I know why I stuck it out, it some ways it’s an easier life.

Good for you OP.

He obviously sees you as something he can wioe his feet on.

I don't know you from Adam, but I can quite categorically state that you deserve better.

Good luck.

*wipe

Awful story OP. Well done on the steps that you've taken.

I understand that it seems easier to stay with him - but you're not factoring in the damage being done to your child by having an emotionally abusive father who disappears at will. There are lots of excellent state primary schools in and around London. The challenge is getting a place and living somewhere in London that suits you.
Are you absolutely certain that you wouldn't consider moving out of London? Maybe back to family? I only ask as it is evident that he has such a hold on you. Maybe the distance would help you to finally set this toxic man aside?