I'm a Secret Screw-Up

[FatOldBinty]

On the outside, I appear to be a confident, independent career woman and single parent with all my shit together.

Underneath and in reality, I'm a struggling screw-up with low self-esteem and low level anxiety, and I can't tell anyone in RL.

I've put on weight and realise how tied up my self-worth is in my fatness. I hate my body right now and feel a failure and that I'll never reach a healthy weight, let alone just get back to where I was a year ago (still fat, but more confident).

I'm in a new relationship and I second guess everything and worry I'm turning into a needy selfish GF, and that he isn't into me that much, and that maybe he isn't as great as I think. My anxiety and heightened awareness mean I see red flags in everything and I can't trust my own judgement because I've been so damaged by abuse in the past. I don't want to ruin a good thing.

My XH is still being an arsehole and I'll never be free of him as we have DC together. I have recognised some codependancy in our previous relationship together. I can see myself repeating the same mistakes yet feel powerless to stop myself.

My job isn't going well and I can't admit it.

My DC is challenging, has ADHD and problems at school that aren't getting better.

I'm LC with family members due to past abuse and ongoing issues.

My life is like a car crash in slow motion. I'm just watching from the sidelines, only I need to take control but I can't properly control my thoughts, anxiety, feelings, etc.

Why can't I just let myself be happy? I'm quite tearful writing this.

I think I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed today. I wish I felt on top of things.

You sound depressed op. Have you considered counselling? Have you talked to friends about how low you feel?

do you really think I'm depressed? I hadn't viewed it that way before. I thought depression was sadness and hopelessness. I don't think I feel sad, maybe just overwhelmed and yes perhaps a bit like I just can't see a way out. I'm usually so positive. I know I need to get a grip.

Hi OP hopefully writing it all down and getting it out is the start of reaching out for some help.

There are quite a few things you mention that sound stressful and uncertain, can you get some help with these areas?

First up maybe visiting your GP, maybe looking into counselling. Is your child getting the right support at school? Are there any local support groups for parents, exercise classes you can join? Can you talk to your line manager? Is your new partner treating you well?

When things are so bad you can't just get a grip. It's not that easy. Many parts of your life sound overwhelming at the moment.
There's online tests for depression - these can be helpful as a starting point

Thank you, yes it did help just posting here. I really can't confide in any friends or family.

The getting healthy and losing weight thing just feels like another chore on my To Do List which is already heaving. But I've got to tackle it. I hate myself right now. For being so fat. For allowing it to happen. For not doing anything to remedy it. I have health issues that crop up when I'm really overweight, so there is another aspect besides just vanity or self confidence.

My self confidence is so crap that I realise I'm slipping back into a mindset I was in with my Ex where I was so ground down I felt totally worthless. And so I put up with hideous crap because I thought that is what I deserved. Stupid I know.

I don't know what more I can do re the school. DC is being bullied and I've met with them to discuss it. They are trying to support.

Yes there is a local gym. I've been there several times to get info on membership but haven't gone and joined. To Do List item. Last time I was a member, I didn't go and wasted so much money. That sounds so pathetic.

My new partner is lovely so far. But he doesn't really compliment me which is making me think he just tolerates my body because he likes me otherwise. I can't raise this as I feel so bloody insecure and I hate that! And I don't want him to know I'm really needy and insecure and then run for the hills I wish I didn't second guess everything. It's exhausting and such a mind fuck.

My new partner is lovely so far. But he doesn't really compliment me which is making me think he just tolerates my body because he likes me otherwise.

In what way is he lovely?
If he isn't SAYING nice things, what is he DOING to demonstrate his appreciation?

So many times women come on here, miserable, but say their new partner is lovely and a great guy and really looks out for them...then it turns out that his sole attribute is successfully fogging a nearby mirror.

Is he lovely, or are you just desperately hoping that he is?

I'm suspicious of the new relationship too. I have a tendency to put myself second and feel under pressure if unsure in a relationship and it sounds like you may be doing similar.

Do you worry about his opinion of you?

how long have you been in this new relationship?

thanks for all the replies. I'll try and answer your questions.

I will take a look at some online depression tests. I feel a bit weird about that, since it just hadn't occurred to me that I might be depressed.

My partner...we've been together 6 months. Don't live together. Is he really lovely? This is part of my problem. He was very full on, can't get enough of me, and now it's less so. I can't figure out if it's him being cooler towards me, or just the relationship settling down from early intensity into something more sustainable.

Does he do lovely things? He bought me an Easter Egg! And he is generally kind and very thoughtful. He just doesn't spontaneously tell me I'm wonderful/beautiful/etc etc. I never knew I needed this tbh but the lack of it seems more of a thing, and my mind is turning it into 'he would say it if he thought it, so he doesn't think it'. But I doubt everything. So I don't know if this is me being irrational. I don't know if I am falling in love with the fantasy of him, or the real him. Yes I worry too much about what he thinks. To the point where I worry I will change for him and become a pathetic doormat to please him. That was how I ended up before with my Ex. New P isn't asking for this, but I think I'm paranoid that he can't be as nice as he is, there must be an underlying manipulative personality disorder there, and that I'm undeserving. Hence me questioning it all.

I don't think I'm making any sense. I want to avoid making repeat mistakes, but I may just sabotage something good with my anxiety. If it is good and not fake good.

Thanks for bearing with me. I'm annoying myself with this already, so it must be very annoying to anyone else!

First of all I am sorry you feel so down at the moment.

Second, I've stood in your very uncomfortable shoes - almost the identical pair. I could have written 99% of your post myself two years ago. I think you are probably depressed - not massively or in a way that prevents you from grinding through the days - but long-term, low grade chronic depression.

We each have to find our own way out or through, but I needed therapy.

I don't want to try and advise you, as we all approach these things so differently - but I really do empathise and sympathise.

In the very short-term just to help you through, try and get an early night tonight - tiredness is always our enemy. Do something nice for yourself this evening that doesn't involve food - have a long bath, go for a walk, put fresh sheets on the bed, buy yourself a bunch of flowers on the way home. As you do whatever small thing you have the energy for, try and think of yourself as you would a close friend and feel some compassion for your self and if you are too overwhelmed right now, promise yourself that you will put some time to one side to think about yourself and how to go forwards from here. You might need to do it in small bites, as trying to solve your entire life in one sitting is just too much.

you actually sound so like me that when I read this, I thought someone who knows me will think it's me but I'm lucky enough not to have self esteem issues or an abusive ex

having abuse in your history makes you an anxious attacher. For whatever reason, your new dp is not meeting some of your needs - I don't know what they are. But reliability and trust are absolutely key to people with abuse in their past. Has he shown himself to be unreliable in any way? Or anything to do with trust? These normally trigger huge anxiety in people like me or you and could be what is making you feel so insanely out of control

re everything else, I would tackle it one thing at a time

your kids should come first so go and speak to the school and sort that out - get a psychologist on your side if you can

make your weight a project - really prioritise it. I had to do this and it worked but it was bloody hard and I never ever want to put the weight back on again as I couldn't go through it again. Incidentally, I did this when I was single as there was no way I could have had a new dp and tried to do this (as I find anxiety hits your exercise ability)

the job - I would park that one. If you're paid well and you're not going to get fired, try and leave one side of your life untouched

finally have a think about whether you are actually thriving in the chaos - you may think it sounds mad but actually you may find you are slightly self sabotaging your life to have chaos everywhere. Again this is a symptom of abuse in your past. Generally people with abusive histories are used to living in chaos so recreate it in their life (subconsciously) as it's what they are used to. It sounds utterly mad but I've realised I felt less content when everything was going well than when I did when I rushing around like a lunatic at 100mph!

Thank you so much for your kindness, time and practical suggestions. It means a lot that there are others who understand.

The project idea sounds good. I do have willpower when I want to and am feeling positive, and none when I don't. I think I have a difficult relationship with food!

That struck a chord with me about chaos. I seem to need some drama to feel alive, and yes it is exactly what I am used to. But too much and I can't cope. I get massively stressed out with everything, can't make decisions, get anxious about things, turn my head inside out analysing everything. It affects my sleep and my health.

In the past, if there wasn't a big argument with my Ex then it was brewing. And the brewing was like the calm before the storm, walking on eggshells, being nervous, anxious, waiting for the inevitable explosion. So sometimes it was better to just challenge him and spark the storm and get it over with than endure the awful moodiness, sulking, tension and uncertainty of when it would happen. At least then I had some control over the when. I have only just realised this as I am writing it.

I know exactly what you mean. I think there is a level of chaos that's manageable before it tips into peak chaos which pushes you into complete procrastination. I have taken a job that is a step down from the one I was in and I am about 100x less efficient than I was before because it's less stressful. But I had reached the point with old job where it kept hitting peak stress and I thought I couldn't cope.

I do think it feels like a lot of it is to do with control but I think that's a red herring. It's about getting your needs met. You spark the storm, you get the predictability of the fight and the resolution. You wait for the storm, none of your needs are met as you're in the phase where you don't know what's coming next - unreliability, untrustworthiness, unsafety. After the fight, all those go away. It feels like control, but actually it's just peace and safety you're craving for.

It took me years and I mean years to figure this out and as I say, I was lucky enough not to have abusive partners so be kind to yourself!

And please just check that your new dp isn't triggering some of this - there must be some behaviour he's exhibiting that's hitting your anxiety. It can feel right and wonderful but underneath, it's likely he's done or is doing something that's just not meeting one of those needs.

I lost 2.5 stone with slimming world last year. I found going to the group really therapeutic and I’ve made new friends.

I also did couch to 5k through a local Facebook page and met a lovely woman who i would now consider a very good friend. And we run!!

I’m about to face up to feeling low and out of control (which is a BIG deal for me) and arrange counselling through work. Doing it through my Gp will take months.

Perhaps if you join a slimming group and start something like c25k and see if work has an employee assistance programme you may feel a bit more in control and better able to view your relationship with your new BF?

Does he do lovely things? He bought me an Easter Egg! And he is generally kind and very thoughtful. He just doesn't spontaneously tell me I'm wonderful/beautiful/etc etc.

If all you can say that he does which is lovely is buy you an Easter egg (a couple quid at the petrol station on way home), it's not great, really. Is there anything else specific that he does? Or does he just hang around you, and you interpret that as lovely? Low self esteem could be warping your interpretation of lovely to "he puts up with me, LOVELY!"

You are all so kind, thank you so much for indulging me.

That's really interesting about control vs needs met. Very enlightening. I'm going to think about this some more. Friends and family would describe me as a control freak. I think it's years of ensuring my ex's needs were met so he didn't kick off, that meant I had to try and control the environment so closely. To minimise the friction and keep the peace. I do crave peace actually and actively hate and avoid conflict. I put my head in the sand when I can't cope. Which is why my previous comments about drama/chaos were a bit of a revelation. I couldn't understand why I would provoke the argument when I hate arguing, but it was just to get it out of the way so we could enter the lull before it all started up again, rinse and repeat etc.

There may be some things that new DP is doing to trigger my anxiety, yes. And I can't trust whether I'm overthinking it or it's him.

He hasn't done anything to make me think he is not reliable or trustworthy though. In fact, the opposite.

Yes, my perception is warped. So I don't trust it. He does little things to make me happy. He is supportive. He also does things that could be considered to put me in my place. I can't describe them without outing myself and I've already NC for this thread. But equally they could be perfectly reasonable and innocuous. It could just be ME. So I can't react without becoming a raving bunny boiling loon. Hence internalizing.

I did have some counselling in the past. I probably need to revisit that. Before I implode.

And thanks for the advice re dieting. I hate that my self worth is so dependant on my body fat ratio. But I know I can lose weight. I just have to bloody well DO it!

I think a decent partner allows you to be the best version of you OP. Good luck with your plans

As others said this could be anxiety/depression and definitely at least low self-esteem... Judging yourself really harshly for your weight and catastrophising about your job - having a bit of that 'imposter complex' type thing. If you have your job it's fairly likely it's because you are doing it well enough. You don't have to be perfect!

I'd definitely suggest talking to gp and getting therapy. I'd also recommend a book 'overcoming low self-esteem', you might find some of it helpful and relateable.

He also does things that could be considered to put me in my place.

Who the fuck does he think he is to put you in a "place"? OP, it sounds like you've identified the problem here, and it's not you. Although you could do with the Freedom Programme to reframe some of your thinking around relationships.

OP, maybe you're just not ready to date yet. It's really easy to fall back into old patterns and he also does things that could be considered to put me in my place is really quite worrying. Men are plentiful, maybe let this one go and do some more work on building yourself up.

It's very subtle and I may well be imagining it. I have such overawareness of potential issues that I could quite well attribute nothing into something.

As for ready to date, I thought I was ready and was worried someone might say I wasn't, because it's been at the back of my mind. I am 5 years out of my previous relationship. If I'm not ready now, I'll never be!

New DP is not going to be let go. I need to fix my own issues before they blow up in my face. I really want my shit together and to be with him. And for him to be a truly decent guy, which I want to believe he is.

thanks for the book recommendation. I will have a look on kindle to find it.

It would be helpful if you shared these possibly imaginary issues.

Have you done the Freedom programme?

I understand what you are saying OP.

You keep the ship running - You Have to be in control of work, the child, finances, Every Single Detail as a single parent...

.. but when when a relationship comes along you are 'expected' to surrender to the moment a little?...and reduce the vigilance...?......Very difficult in practice.

Watching the responses to this thread with interest.

What I will say is whatever you do...Be kind to Yourself. It's okay if you are not perfect. Nobody is... Do the best you can being careful with the signs but allowing yourself to assess whether this relationship is worth investing in.

Best of wishes OP.