I'm a Secret Screw-Up

[FatOldBinty]

On the outside, I appear to be a confident, independent career woman and single parent with all my shit together.

Underneath and in reality, I'm a struggling screw-up with low self-esteem and low level anxiety, and I can't tell anyone in RL.

I've put on weight and realise how tied up my self-worth is in my fatness. I hate my body right now and feel a failure and that I'll never reach a healthy weight, let alone just get back to where I was a year ago (still fat, but more confident).

I'm in a new relationship and I second guess everything and worry I'm turning into a needy selfish GF, and that he isn't into me that much, and that maybe he isn't as great as I think. My anxiety and heightened awareness mean I see red flags in everything and I can't trust my own judgement because I've been so damaged by abuse in the past. I don't want to ruin a good thing.

My XH is still being an arsehole and I'll never be free of him as we have DC together. I have recognised some codependancy in our previous relationship together. I can see myself repeating the same mistakes yet feel powerless to stop myself.

My job isn't going well and I can't admit it.

My DC is challenging, has ADHD and problems at school that aren't getting better.

I'm LC with family members due to past abuse and ongoing issues.

My life is like a car crash in slow motion. I'm just watching from the sidelines, only I need to take control but I can't properly control my thoughts, anxiety, feelings, etc.

Why can't I just let myself be happy? I'm quite tearful writing this.

I think I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed today. I wish I felt on top of things.

Yes I did the freedom programme online. It helped to validate a lot of stuff i had been through. But, it also makes me see traits in everyone!

I don't feel able to share specific things about DP as people who know him are on here and would identify us both.

I'll give a similar example though.

DP asks me about my abusive childhood.
I'm worried he could be storing up information about my vulnerabilities to use against me in the future. (this is fucked up I realise)

DP never says I look nice, even if I'm dressed up to go out.
I think he doesn't think I look nice. (he probably doesn't notice clothes, I don't know)

DP tells me about his previous GF who was very needy and insecure.
I think he is warning me that he won't tolerate that from me.

You get the drift?

I'm 99% sure it's ME and not HIM. But that tiny bit of doubt is horrible.

And this is just one thing out of all the shitstorm that is my brain.

Thank you everyone who seems to get this and have offered their best wishes. I don't know how to tag people so my replies are a bit generic. But I'm reading everything and appreciating it.

I'm not sure that you're wrong.

I think you may have figured him out.

You did the Freedom Programme and you are now paying attention to your instincts. The only issue is that you are second guessing them. But you're listening. That's a start.

Have you considered that you may have been predisposed to abuse due to exposure in an abusive childhood, that similar people group together, therefore a larger percentage of your family and acquaintances may exhibit red flags?

It might not be that you are "seeing the signs everywhere" but that you are seeing the signs.

What does he say about your abusive childhood? In what context is he asking?

If he's the one bringing it up, I'd be wondering why. It's one thing to listen when you want to talk about something, it's another to instigate it.

Another good book recommendation is "Co-dependacy for Dummies" - I'm finding it really helpful.

Seeing the signs - this is what I am afraid is happening.

The examples I gave were not actual ones, just similar things to try and paint a picture.

thanx for the other book suggestion. I've looked at a few websites about codependancy and it struck me how much I had lost myself over the years by putting everyone else first. I'm still finding out who I am, nearly 5 years later.

Wow op I could have written your post word for word right down to the new relationship, weight gain and health condition!
I’m in pretty much the same place as you right now so can’t offer much in terms of advice but am sending solidarity and watching with interest.

Thank you. It is good to know I am not alone, but sad to know others are struggling too. I've just read your thread about the festivals. Hope you manage to find a way to cope. It's hard isn't it, dealing with anxiety and not pushing people away because of that.

I'm feeling better today. Just talking here has really helped. I'm going to try and deal with stuff one thing at a time. I am finding it difficult being all breezy on the surface when I'm such a mess underneath though.

Another positive thing about yesterday is that I managed to eat fairly healthily and went for a walk, and did a tiny bit of DIY that needed doing. To Do List still very long!

Brilliant that you got stuff done yesterday.
I have a bottomless to do list. Managing to tick the odd job off is ace

FatOldBinty glad you got out for a walk and you are feeling a bit better today.

Listen to your gut about your DP. Try not to be too rational about it but really listen to whether your body feels relaxed and comfortable when you are with him and how you feel immediately after he has left too.

I've had abusive relationships (in fact nearly all of them have been to a greater or lesser extent). I'm avoidant and massively repressed emotionally, so I find it very difficult to work out how I feel BUT if I give my gut a chance and if I listen to my body and don't try to over-rationalise and analyse things, deep down I do really know if someone values, loves and respects me.

Thank you Margo. I'm in a place where I can't distinguish between my gut and my nagging doubts. It is underpinned by thinking that maybe I don't deserve something good. That sounds pathetic and self-pitying I know. Probably the fallout from years of being treated badly by ex. I know rationally that I'm deserving of a good relationship, it's the feelings that sometimes get in the way. I can identify with being emotionally repressed.

Apart from a couple of times in the past where he negged me but apologised immediately I reacted (for a joke that was misplaced), when we are together I generally feel very good. And when I am not with him, I miss him like crazy.

fatoldbinty thanks for reading my other post! You sound like you’re doing well today. I think the key is to remain present in the moment...
I need to quiet my brain somehow!

He negs you?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I know how that sounds, I really do. It hasn't happened for a long time. It was early days and an odd attempt at humour on his part. I also know that sounds like I'm making excuses. Which is why my red flag alert is always on high. I see things, just not always sure if I'm being too careful and expecting unrealistic perfection, or ridiculously forgiving and stupid.

I appreciate you've got my back here Pics. I'm not arguing with you or being blind. I am watching and assessing constantly. Which is very tiring.

Remaining present in the moment sounds good Dragon.

On a plus note today I have contacted a counsellor and asked for an appointment.

OP when you say he calls his ex needy he sounds selfish. Everyone has needs, if he felt that they were not suited that is one thing, but to label her negatively for having needs is wrong.

I also do not think he is aware of your needs and it does not sounds as though he cares. Being with someone whom you like and support far more than they like and support you can really drain confidence.

Relationships need honesty, you can pretend to be someone else with fewer needs for months/years, but what about the you inside?

I know so far the thread has focused down on some issues but I'm going to tell you how I read your OP:

• you parent a child with SEN, which is something I couldn't begin to know how to do much less cope with
• you're wise enough to identify toxic family members and strong enough to go LC with them even though that's so hard
• you're dealing with a twat ex
• you're holding down a job and keeping it together
• you managed to find a new relationship, which for better or worse is bloody hard when you're compromised in almost all other areas of your life
• you put on a bit of weight, because biology/age/sometimes cake tastes good

Frankly if I could manage half of what you cope with I'd be patting myself on the back. You sound amazing.

I've no advice but I wanted you to know OP that you are definitely not alone. How you have described yourself and how you're feeling in the new relationship is EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now. I could have written every word.

I feel that I might want to end my relationship but then what if my instincts are wrong and he really does like me and value me? I can't ask him as then I'll look needy.

chocmallows I'm crap at articulating my needs and really need to work on that. Perhaps he isn't meeting all of them, but I can't expect him to be a mind reader.

He did do something really lovely for me today. Unprompted and unasked, and it was very thoughtful.

Borage what wonderful words, thank you so much. I needed to hear something like that, and am so grateful. I'm sure you are amazing at whatever you are coping with in daily life.

DrFoxtror, surely it must be better to appear needy than to lose a good person in your life? I am worried about losing my DP and am not going to end it, I just find myself on high alert and suspicious of things sometimes. Please don't waste the potential for your happiness.

You ARE on top of things.

(Unless your next post comes from down the nick for trying to top the X or you're living in a shop doorway coz you've decided to live the rest of your life in a bottle, homeless, & your kid has gone NC with you)

Your life is tough, not every day is great, but you're managing it. We can all admire you, OP. Nothing to be ashamed of.