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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell OW what I know?

72 replies

GreyCloud81 · 23/04/2019 01:57

I have a separate thread about my cheating, lying ex... but this is a separate matter.

There is an OW, she didn’t know about me (so she says) and I for sure didn't know about her. I’ve spoken to OW and been enlightened to all their future plans. She seemed nice from what I seemed, and I felt sorry for her in a way.

My exP has DC, with his previous partner. We don’t have any DC and I can’t have DC, so this next bit wasn’t an issue. My exP has had the snip...

However after speaking to OW and her friends, who all seemed to love messaging me for information, it turns out that OW and ExP have been trying for a DC. (Fucking stupid in my opinion as she’s never even met his DC) She’s questioning her fertility (or so her friend says) as she hasn’t fallen pregnant... well I’m sorry you won’t if he’s had the snip!! He’s obviously lying to her...

I know it’s not place to say.. I’ve let her know the truth and washed my hands. I thought she had, until I learnt it seems that she has given him another go. BUT coming from someone who has fertility problems, I know what it feels like to feel like that, and struggle to get pregnant. But she is blaming herself... and I don’t want him to hurt her like that.

Should I spill the beans?? Or stay out of it??

OP posts:
Getmyfrownupsidedown · 23/04/2019 02:01

Spill the beans. The lines of communication are open with OW and her friends, why lie?

Starlight456 · 23/04/2019 02:02

How do you know this ? If you have mutual friends maybe tell them and let them decide?

Fannyfanakerpants · 23/04/2019 02:03

That's a tough one and I can see why you would want to tell her, however for your own mental health you need to stop engaging with her and her friends. It's completely unfair and childish for them to be telling you things about their new life. Block them and move on.

Lefty1 · 23/04/2019 02:17

I would tell her as she is going to be wasting her fertile time trying to get pregnant with someone who knowingly can’t. Atleast you’ve done a good turn there but after supplying her with this information I would say to her they you’ve moved on with your own life and don’t really desire to be having the reminder of his existence through her contact and want to focus on your own life , nothing personal and you wish her the very best .
Then start gradually removing her from any social media /blocking her number and her friends . Brew

Original poster
GreyCloud81 · 23/04/2019 02:24

It’s only a couple of days seen we both found out about each other. I’ve not had any contact with her today, it was a comment her friends made the other day that bothered me, about them trying for a baby and her insecurity over it not happening. We don’t know each other or have mutual friends... just a mutual partner at the time Shock

He never wanted anymore DC, so he had the snip, whilst we’ve been together. Hence why I know.

Just feel bad for her. I wouldn’t have said anything, but after speaking to the DSC and knowing she has gone back to him. I’ve just not stopped thinking about it.

This isn’t out of cruelty, or because she’s given him another chance. Just because I know how it feels.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreyCloud81 · 23/04/2019 02:25

Ps: I didn’t think of it at the time, as it wasn’t an issue for us. But is this reversible? I didn’t see the point in asking them questions, and it’s just a thought?

OP posts:
recall · 23/04/2019 02:32

Yes..a vasectomy is reversible

Lefty1 · 23/04/2019 02:33

In that case I’d drop her a message and just say I’m aware you have chosen to give XYZ another chance but something your friend said in passing and I just wanted to raise it to you so you wouldn’t be duped , XYZ has had the snip , he made me aware of this on whatever date. Anyway whatever the outcome I wish you the very best. Take care and then you’ve done your part . I would then block them all xx

makeitalargegin · 23/04/2019 02:35

You can have it reversed, but it doesn't guarantee that he has swimmers so to speak. Know a man who had it reversed after 10 years and his sperm count was practically nothing.

LilQueenie · 23/04/2019 02:42

Sorry but he cheated on you and she is just as at fault. Why are her friends messaging you and why are even giving them an answer!

PregnantSea · 23/04/2019 02:43

Text her and say "oh, I didn't realise he was planning on getting his vasectomy reversed, fingers crossed it works. Anyway, good luck with it all. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to break contact now because I want to try move past all of this now. Take care X"

And then block her number.

HirplesWithHaggis · 23/04/2019 02:44

Yes, a vasectomy can be reversible, though there are no guarantees. But given this bloke hasn't even told the new partner he had one, how likely is he to try to have it reversed?

Yes, OP, tell her.

Original poster
GreyCloud81 · 23/04/2019 02:54

He seems like he a very good, compulsive liar. I will message her tomorrow, as I know she will be led in bed with him now!

God knows why her friends got involved.

All a big mess. He owes me money, stupidly paid the car insurance last week. But had no issue with it, as we where a family! Also found out today that he is due to go on holiday with the DSC in a few weeks, with her. Had told me was going with his DF. And the DSC bio mum that they was going with me. Told her the truth on that one, as I don’t think it’s right they go abroad for 10days with a stranger!

OP posts:
Raspberrytruffle · 23/04/2019 04:11

The next time you have a friendly conversation I'd say something like thank God we decided to not have kids I'm glad dh has had the snip can you imagine the fall out with DC involved to ow. I feel very sorry for you and ow he has lied to you both. Yes a vasectomy is reversible but not always guaranteed to work, me and my dh decided after having our last DC 10 years ago we are desperate for a 3rd DC so we are saving for the surgery

ShinyShoe · 23/04/2019 05:10

Tell her. He’s lying to her. Trying for a baby in his book means lots of sex. He’s a vile pig. She could waste her entire life on him. As women we need stick together against pigs like him. Message her and say “your friend said you were trying for a baby and I’ve suffered infertility issues and know how that feels. Just so you know as I feel you have a right to know my ex has had a vasectomy and that’s why you’re not getting pregnant. He had the snip in (whatever date). You’ve hooked yourself up with a liar and I feel you deserve the truth. He’s no good and you seem like a nice person. Don’t waste your life on him like I did. Take care”

Ruru8thestars · 23/04/2019 05:10

It sounds a right mess

Whichwayfoward · 23/04/2019 07:13

Maybe he told her he has had the snip and is getting it reversed, hence her concerns.

Tell her if you want but don't expect him to be any easier to deal with re your financial situation (on other thread).

I think you should stop looking at her social media and finding out what he is/isn't doing. If that is how you are finding stuff out

You are only hurting yourself further. You are over, who he goes on holidays with isn't your concern anymore whether he lied or not.

I can't help but think you want to break them up and that's why you really want to tell.

IncrediblySadToo · 23/04/2019 07:25

I’d tell her, definitely. She’s an idiot to give him another chance, but even idiots don’t deserve to be trying for a baby with some twat who has had a vasectomy. Hopefully it’ll mean she sees him for the lying twat he is and dumps him for good.

You did the right thing telling his kids mum that you wouldn’t be on the holiday.

You don’t sound like you want him back, you just sound like a decent person!

dontdoubtyourself · 23/04/2019 07:34

I wouldn't tell her. She probably wouldn't believe you anyway.

mummmy2017 · 23/04/2019 07:40

You say this you paid the invoice insurance, can you cancel it?
I'd message her, say something but make it like an add in .
I know ex had the snip as we had fertility issues, and it made for an easier life with DSC as they knew there would be no more children, I know your going on holiday with them, so hope you enjoy it, they were nice children.

NameChangeNugget · 23/04/2019 08:32

I wouldn't tell her. She probably wouldn't believe you anyway

Too much drama. Be honest, what’s your real motive for all this?

Showing you don’t give a toss and enjoying your own life is the best thing you can do

SandyY2K · 23/04/2019 08:43

Tbh on the basis she's stayed with the lying cheat, I'd leave her too it. She's a fool for staying with such a man and trying to have kids when she's not seen what he's like with his own kids.

Angrybird123 · 23/04/2019 08:43

Why shouldn't her real motive be to give this woman a fairly important heads up? The op has no kids with this guy, the ow didn't know she was an ow so there is less potential anger etc. OK yes, it's likely to cause probs for the guy which might give some satisfaction but there's nothing in the OPs post that suggests she's trying to create drama or planning on making this some dramatic announcement. Not everything has to be about 'bitter ex wives'.

TheStuffedPenguin · 23/04/2019 08:50

No reasons , no emotion, just a simple " by the way in case you don't know he has had the snip "

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 23/04/2019 08:52

Tell her.It will be distressing for her thinking she has a problem

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