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Original poster

Do I tell OW what I know?

72 replies

GreyCloud81 · 23/04/2019 01:57

I have a separate thread about my cheating, lying ex... but this is a separate matter.

There is an OW, she didn’t know about me (so she says) and I for sure didn't know about her. I’ve spoken to OW and been enlightened to all their future plans. She seemed nice from what I seemed, and I felt sorry for her in a way.

My exP has DC, with his previous partner. We don’t have any DC and I can’t have DC, so this next bit wasn’t an issue. My exP has had the snip...

However after speaking to OW and her friends, who all seemed to love messaging me for information, it turns out that OW and ExP have been trying for a DC. (Fucking stupid in my opinion as she’s never even met his DC) She’s questioning her fertility (or so her friend says) as she hasn’t fallen pregnant... well I’m sorry you won’t if he’s had the snip!! He’s obviously lying to her...

I know it’s not place to say.. I’ve let her know the truth and washed my hands. I thought she had, until I learnt it seems that she has given him another go. BUT coming from someone who has fertility problems, I know what it feels like to feel like that, and struggle to get pregnant. But she is blaming herself... and I don’t want him to hurt her like that.

Should I spill the beans?? Or stay out of it??

OP posts:
Original poster
GreyCloud81 · 23/04/2019 08:52

I’ve slept on it, and still think she has a right to know. I know what pain that can cause, and i feel like she has a right to know that he doesn’t want anymore children. And that this is just another one of his lies.

This isn’t out of spite, and I know this will probably make him “hate” me even more, and reduce the possibility of me getting the money I am owed. There is a chance she won’t believe me, but atleast I have tried to warn her. She obviously doesn’t believe the other lies, or she is just a mug for taking him back.

@whichwayforward I’m not looking at the social media, or anything. I’ve left the pair of them too it. But the DSC called me last night, and that’s where a lot of information came from. They where upset as they had been told I had thrown them out, and didn’t want their dad anymore. Which wasn’t the case. I’ve raised them DSC for years, I wasn’t just going to let them think that their SM hates them.

OP posts:
Whichwayfoward · 23/04/2019 09:18

I really think you need to bow out of this now. The step children shouldn't be feeding you information although I understand that they may need to vent.

You need to disengage and move on with your life

By all means tell the woman he had the snip , as opposed to getting someone else to. Await the backlash when it inevitably comes your way.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2019 09:31

He told the kids you threw them out? He's a lowlife.

If you want to continue having a relationship with them...I'd do it via their mother.

LetsSplashMummy · 23/04/2019 09:37

I'd pass the buck onto her friends, who seem happy to discuss her fertility with you. If you tell her, they'll see it as spiteful, they'll also think you know too much about their private life and feel uncomfortable. Whoever told you she was anxious, simply say to them "I've heard it can take time after a vasectomy is reversed, so she shouldn't worry until he's through all the checks and processes."

Bookworm4 · 23/04/2019 09:46

You sound overly involved in your exDp life, you have no DC to keep you tied up so why this? She's not the OW if you've split up, cut contact it's none of your business.

Whichwayfoward · 23/04/2019 10:19

I'd pass the buck onto her friends, who seem happy to discuss her fertility with you. If you tell her, they'll see it as spiteful, they'll also think you know too much about their private life and feel uncomfortable. Whoever told you she was anxious, simply say to them "I've heard it can take time after a vasectomy is reversed, so she shouldn't worry until he's through all the checks and processes."

I'd do this. If it comes from you op it will open up a whole shitstorm for you.

Your ex is a liar and not to be trusted. Why make things worse for yourself.

Sunlov · 23/04/2019 10:28

Is this your exes new girlfriend or was she the OW?

Seems strange to be on friendly terms with the OW?

What do you mean by she took him back? Had they split up for a while or something?

Someoneonlyyouknow · 23/04/2019 10:45

This all sounds such a mess (and I haven't seen your other thread). My instinct would be that it will be best, and healthiest, for you to distance yourself from anything to do with him. If there is money involved can you afford to write it off and move on?

However, you obviously feel close to DSC and they should not be penalised because their father is a lying shit. If you are able it would be kind to keep some contact with them, although I think you have to let them decide (or their mother depending on ages).

I think it would be a kindness to let the OW know about the vasectomy, perhaps through her friends, but I think you are being fed too much detail about their lives. It won't help you move on if you keep being dragged back in. You can block the OW and her friends and maybe tell DSC that it is not your business or concern?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/04/2019 11:05

I’m in team ‘tell her’ camp. Then I’d simply step back, block and ignore from now onwards and leave him to his drama

Lllot5 · 23/04/2019 11:12

Unless he lied to you about having the snip of course. If he’s a compulsive liar like you say it’s possible. Either way keep out of it. Block him her and her mates move on.

LilQueenie · 23/04/2019 12:35

I'm confused. You had fertility issues and he wanted no more kids and had the snip?

Order654 · 23/04/2019 12:41

Tell her.

howmanyleftfeet · 23/04/2019 12:46

Yes, definitely tell her, she deserves to know.

Teddybear45 · 23/04/2019 12:46

Are you sure he had a vasectomy? It could be he lied to you and might be telling her the truth. It seems a convenient that he had a vasectomy just as you revealed your fertility issues. Stay away from it personally. Nothing to do with you any more.

Original poster
GreyCloud81 · 23/04/2019 21:49

I haven’t made my mind up of whether to tell her or not yet. I think I should, and then think why should I bother.

I split up with my ExP on Friday, and found out that he was having an affair / separate other life (without his DC) for over a year. She didn’t know about me, and contacted me and I told her everything. She said that was that, but then obviously she has gone back to him.

I felt sorry for her, as she genuinely didn’t know about me. He obviously wormed his way in, with more lies. She like me has had a string of bad relationships, has been hurt.

I’ve not spoke to her or her friends in days, and had no intention to. Until that started playing on my mind, and I thought if that was me I would want to know. The kids are 5&6, so they are too young to realise they are feeding me, they are confused and wanted to talk to me (through their BM), I wasn’t going to say no, and upset them more.

As for his snip! He had that before we met. I was aware from the beginning, as my fertility issues where part of my past. And something we discussed when we first met. My exP was once admitted to hospital, and I was in the room when he discussed that previous operation with the doctor, so I know that wasn’t a lie at least.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 23/04/2019 22:05

GreyCloud, I would tell her. Infertility will cause her mental anguish, and her doctor might even put her on fertility drugs.

Original poster
GreyCloud81 · 23/04/2019 23:35

@MsDogLady
That is my concern, as I have been in a similar situation, and know what impact this could have on someone’s MH.
I just don’t know how to say the words, as PP have said I don’t want it to be taken out of context, or that this is something being said in spite, as it is a genuine concern.
I suppose if we was having a general conversation, like we have had in previous days, it would have been easier to drop that in to conversation. However we are now NC and this would be an “out the blue” message.

OP posts:
Kennehora · 23/04/2019 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsDogLady · 24/04/2019 05:24

All you can do is tell her from a place of empathy. I would say something like, “I’ve been told that you are questioning your fertility. I know how that feels, so I wanted to pass on some information. My ex had a vasectomy some time ago.” What she does with this information is up to her.

category12 · 24/04/2019 05:32

"Oh I didn't know he'd had his vasectomy reversed"

Miffymeow · 24/04/2019 08:08

I would 100% tell her, she needs to know who she is seeing and that there is no need for fertility treatment etc. She could end up giving up on having kids because of him. Doesn't matter how you tell her, you aren't planning on being friends. Just be blunt about it and say that you were there at the doctors appointment when they discussed it so that she knows he wasn't lying to you.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 24/04/2019 08:19

You should tell her. Otherwise she may lose years of her life trying. It’s not about revenge, it’s about preventing harm to another human being. Good luck moving on.

TheStuffedPenguin · 24/04/2019 09:20

Straight forward and factual- no need for spite/revenge. Be the bigger person here .

howmanyleftfeet · 24/04/2019 10:35

This.

“I’ve been told that you are questioning your fertility. I know how that feels, so I wanted to pass on some information. My ex had a vasectomy some time ago.”

Or, possibly:

“I’ve been told that you are questioning your fertility and I wanted to pass on some information. My ex had a vasectomy some time ago. I'm sharing this information because I have had fertility issues and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I don't wish to cause trouble with my ex, and I've struggled with whether to tell you or not, but after reflection I am convinced it's the right thing to do. Perhaps you already know he had a vasectomy and he's had a reversal. But if not, then I think you have a right to know, especially because, as women, we have a such time limit on our fertility. I wish you well."

howmanyleftfeet · 24/04/2019 10:37

Actually, for the avoidance of doubt:

“I’ve been told that you are questioning your fertility and I wanted to pass on some information. My ex had a vasectomy some time ago. I'm sharing this information because I have had fertility issues and I wouldn't wish it on anyone."

"I don't wish to cause trouble with my ex, and I've struggled with whether to tell you or not, but after reflection I am convinced it's the right thing to do. Perhaps you already know he had a vasectomy and I suppose he could have had a reversal. But if not, then I think you have a right to know, especially because, as women, we have a such time limit on our fertility. I wish you well."

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