Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Do I tell OW what I know?

72 replies

GreyCloud81 · 23/04/2019 01:57

I have a separate thread about my cheating, lying ex... but this is a separate matter.

There is an OW, she didn’t know about me (so she says) and I for sure didn't know about her. I’ve spoken to OW and been enlightened to all their future plans. She seemed nice from what I seemed, and I felt sorry for her in a way.

My exP has DC, with his previous partner. We don’t have any DC and I can’t have DC, so this next bit wasn’t an issue. My exP has had the snip...

However after speaking to OW and her friends, who all seemed to love messaging me for information, it turns out that OW and ExP have been trying for a DC. (Fucking stupid in my opinion as she’s never even met his DC) She’s questioning her fertility (or so her friend says) as she hasn’t fallen pregnant... well I’m sorry you won’t if he’s had the snip!! He’s obviously lying to her...

I know it’s not place to say.. I’ve let her know the truth and washed my hands. I thought she had, until I learnt it seems that she has given him another go. BUT coming from someone who has fertility problems, I know what it feels like to feel like that, and struggle to get pregnant. But she is blaming herself... and I don’t want him to hurt her like that.

Should I spill the beans?? Or stay out of it??

OP posts:

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 24/04/2019 10:45

Definitely tell her

Original poster

GreyCloud81 · 24/04/2019 11:05

Thanks for the replies!

I’m going to tell her, I’m pretty certain of that. But I will message her later tonight. She knows I’ve had fertility problems, as I was honest with her when I spoke to her. Prob too much information to share with the OW, but when I found out, I was angry, confused and upset, because of the whole situation.

I now realise that no matter how much I love him and the family we had, that it was built on lies.

I just don’t want him to ruin her life as well.

I just know he has created this awful picture of me to others at the minute, and that he will say this is just me saying this out of spite. But I know that i won’t ever forgive myself if I don’t say anything.

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 24/04/2019 11:27

Just tell her that you heard through the grapevine that they were trying and that started a niggle in the back of your mind.

If it is true, then you are sure he would have told you about the vasectomy, and he has gone through the reversal process, but after everything that has happened you just couldn’t be certain that he had. So you are telling her to ease your mind and have no wish be involved, to hear anything about it either way or be in contact from then on.

MrsMozartMkII · 24/04/2019 11:33

I'd want to know, so I think you should tell her.

Original poster

GreyCloud81 · 24/04/2019 14:20

I've told her. If that was me I would want to know.

What she does with that information I don't know. @howmanyleftfeet thanks for your message, I based mine around yours. And hopefully have come across as someone who is generally concerned and honest, and not the spiteful ex.

OP posts:

howmanyleftfeet · 24/04/2019 14:24

Well done, you did the right thing.

If your ex is lying to her, you could save her years of heartbreak trying for DC while wondering what's wrong with her, and possibly even missing her chance to have kids with someone decent.

I would hope if I was ever in that situation, someone like you would have the decency to tell me.

Raspberrytruffle · 24/04/2019 19:36

I'm pleased you told her OP you sound a decent person, if ow were me I'd want to know this especially if you are wanting a child its cruel what your ex has done lying to both of you

Original poster

GreyCloud81 · 24/04/2019 20:07

Thank you. All I’ve ever tried to be is a nice person and honest.
Suppose it’s up to her if she believes me. She didn’t believe the rest of the things I’ve said about his lies and double life, it seems.

All I want is to have everything sorted between our finances, home, business, possessions. So I can just move on with my life.

OP posts:

AvocadoYUK · 25/04/2019 13:52

Deffinatly think you did the right thing. And I hope she realises you are doing it to benefit her own mental wellbeing and not being a bitter ex! Hope she took it okay x

Original poster

GreyCloud81 · 25/04/2019 16:06

@AvocadoYUK
I didn’t receive a response or acknowledgement of the message.

Now trying to get my “ducks in a row” and sort all the things out with the business, house, finances and belongings. But seems I keep hitting brick walls.

OP posts:

prawnsword · 25/04/2019 16:08

Good for you. You have integrity & have done the right thing for the right reason. Go 90s girl power! Zig a zig ahh

MyKingdomForBrie · 25/04/2019 16:20

He never wanted anymore DC, so he had the snip, whilst we’ve been together. Hence why I know.

As for his snip! He had that before we met.

Fromablokespoint · 25/04/2019 18:09

@kennehora

Not your circus, not your monkeys, none of your business

Love that!

Don't tell, what do you owe her?
Head up, strut your stuff and get on with the rest of your life.
Good Luck with sorting everything out.

Original poster

GreyCloud81 · 25/04/2019 23:58

@MyKingdomForBrie
Just read my earlier post back. No wonder your confused .
He had it before we met, after his youngest DC was born. I knew about it from the start. He had complications whilst we where together, so he was in hospital and I was in the room when they where discussing it. Hence why I know it wasn’t a lie.

His mum also spoke to me about it one night (whilst drunk), as she was worried that I wanted children and that he hadn’t been honest.

OP posts:

Itsallpointless · 26/04/2019 04:19

I cannot believe the extent of your engagement with the OWwhy are you in any way involved with her?

Whether she is nice or not is irrelevant, you don’t need to be looking out for her welfare. Leave them to it, he messes with her, then she can find out herself, it’s their business. Look after your own well-being.

I am truly stunned by this

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/04/2019 08:13

@GreyCloud81 oh I see. Well maybe your MIL would have told her anyway by the sound of it! Still it's done now and I think you were right to tell her as you know she wants children, he was being so so cruel to trick her, if he hadn't told her.

IwishIwasaspaceman · 26/04/2019 08:35

It's interesting that your exP's mum spoke to you about his vasectomy because she was worried you wanted children and that he hadn't been honest. Sounds like he has form for being dishonest.

It also struck me that his mother was in the same position as you and, for the best of reasons, wanted to let you know he'd had the snip. History repeating itself.

I definitely think you have done the right thing in letting OW know. I don't think you've done it out of malice but rather because you are a decent person.

Original poster

GreyCloud81 · 26/04/2019 09:12

@Itsallpointless
Yes the engagement at the beginning was strange, as we spoke to each other quite a few times over the weekend. Seemed she was as much in the dark as me. I think it was just trying to get an understanding of what lies had been told, part of me wishes I hadn’t heard them things. All contact has stopped now, and I don’t intend to speak to her again.

I think due to my past I wanted to tell her, as I know how hard it all is. Plus I was trying to think of the DSC, as I have so much love and care for them, it’s horrible to think of them in this position. They where so upset when I spoke to them, and the things he had told them about me where cruel. I suppose you can say that I was too “invested” in his children. But he always pushed this, saying that I was their “mum” and that I should do things with them. I attended all school events, sports day, parents evenings, school meetings, took them to all their activities, they called me mum. (PS there bio mum was happy with all this). I was even allowed to take them on holiday with my family, without my ExP. I worked around the DC, with my hours. We felt like a proper family, and it’s all just been taken away from me.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 26/04/2019 13:06

But he always pushed this, saying that I was their “mum”

That should have raised alarm bells. Nobody is their mum, except their mum.

Do you think she'd have been happy to hear what he was saying?

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 26/04/2019 13:13

You have done a good thing telling her. Gives her a choice to make. Less likely the dc will be caught up in another relationship where a long loved woman has to leave them due to their df being a twat.

Original poster

GreyCloud81 · 26/04/2019 13:40

@SandyY2K
It didn’t raise alarms bells, as it’s was quite nice, that he respected me and saw a future with me.
She knew exactly what he was saying, and how the boys saw me. She even referred to me as their step mum at school, and was happy and pleased that I treated the DC as my own. She has even messaged me saying, how she is heartbroken and to thank me for everything. Teaching her DC how to read, swim, ride their bikes etc.

Seem that’s the OW has forgiven him. They are going on a family weekend away. I need to stop listening to what people are telling me, I know that.

I feel sick... and destroyed

OP posts:

Worriedmum32 · 26/04/2019 13:44

I would tell in the situation you described. Just a casual response like oh well exP has had the snip so that surprises me, or that would be why.

I would cut contact with all of them though tbh if you have no children with exP really you don't need to be involved in this at all just move on.

Flip

1 2 3