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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Heart thumping I'm so mad

86 replies

Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 00:19

We're in the process of moving house-from 2 to 3 bed (both rented)-and I'm seriously beginning to regret it.

My fiance has turned into a complete dickhead over the past week as we're packing everything up. It's like a switch has flicked since he's become a joint tenant.

I have done loads-and I mean loads-but have also been looking after my kids and trying to spend a little time with them as I only have them for half of the time.

He has told me I should "Just leave them to it" and ignore my 8 yo when he asks if he can have some lunch. I have tried to take my youngest out of the way as much as possible when we are moving things into the new place because OH gets cross if he starts to complain he is bored. But then OH says I'm "off on a jolly" if I take the kids to the park and doing nothing to help.

I suffer from quite significant anxiety having gone through serious trauma over the past couple of years, OH knows this. I have to break jobs up into manageable chunks or else I start to find things overwhelming.

This morning I broke down because the pressure is getting to me, and OH threw all of the kids clothes across the lawn. He drove off and I was left having a full-blowm panic attack. He has since apologised but I am struggling to accept his behaviour.

I finished packing boxes tonight at 10pm and have been on the go since I 0am. I don't want him to accuse me of being lazy yet again.

I also suffer from debilitating insomnia due to my anxiety and although counselling is helping, there's still some way to go.

I feel sick and scared.

OP posts:

OrchidInTheSun · 23/04/2019 00:20

Don't move in with him. He sounds awful

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 00:21

His behaviour is bizarre. Up until this point he's never been like this?

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 23/04/2019 00:23

Jesus christ don't move can you get your tenancy back?

That is so bad. Moving is stressful but so are many aspects of life. Is that how you want go live some one who is snide and thinks its acceptable to throw your kids stuff around?

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 00:24

Can't get tenancy back as signed up now and given notice here. Like I say he's never been like this before so didn't have any reservations.

OP posts:

madroid · 23/04/2019 00:26

You have found out how he reacts to pressure. You have found out that you're the whipping boy for him to take out his stress on and that he feels better if he puts you down.

He is abusive and unstable. You cannot move in with him or take your children to live with him if you want to be a half way decent parent.

Sorry OP but at least you have found out before going any further.

madroid · 23/04/2019 00:27

You need to look for a new home on your own or see if he'll agree to going elsewhere?

TwistedAnkle · 23/04/2019 00:29

Have you asked him what's going on? Moving house can be very stressful for everyone and can bring out the worst in some people. If this is out of character for him, perhaps he's also struggling?

SandyY2K · 23/04/2019 00:29

That's very worrying.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 00:32

I can't deal with him on top of my own poor MH. Breathing tricky again as I'm panicking.

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 23/04/2019 00:34

Well you need to calm down and sit down calmly tomorrow and think about what options you might have.

There is feck all you can do about it now.

How long are you together?

Maybe83 · 23/04/2019 00:34

I meant as is in now at this time of night.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 00:36

2.5 years. I was married to a very abusive man before this so it's triggering. I've come out into the garden. He knows I'm having an attack but is staying put inside.

OP posts:

shallichangemyname · 23/04/2019 00:39

This is how the abuse in my previous relationship started, with a move and similar behaviour in relation to me sitting out my belongings and packing up my and my children's things in my house (ie not his). He was vile around the move. Massive regret that I didn't take the opportunity to get rid of him then.

CaptSkippy · 23/04/2019 00:41

Can you temporarily stay with family, while you look for another place?

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 00:44

I can't leave him. It would break my kids. I'm a "failure" already according to my parents as I am a divorcee. Only other family I have is a brother but he's autistic.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 00:46

And my mum says it's me to blame because I'm a "Damaged person" due to past abuse.

OP posts:

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 23/04/2019 00:52

@Ella1980 its not too late to change your mind.

It doesn't make you a disaster- it makes you someone who walked towards something new to give it a go ... its now clear that this is not the best thing for you.

Its fine to say "thanks but no thanks".

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 23/04/2019 00:53

Please get in touch with Womens Aid asap.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 00:53

It would leave us homeless though!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 00:54

Women's Aid are not helpful in my experience unless the abuse is physical. Same with ex h.

OP posts:

Lolajane44 · 23/04/2019 00:54

When someone shows you their true colours, believe them.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 00:56

I do. But I can't be without a home. Again.

OP posts:

AnyName1 · 23/04/2019 01:13

You can't move your kids in with him. Surely you know this?

ohtheholidays · 23/04/2019 01:13

So you move into the new place and don't allow him to move in with you and then you reach out and get some advice and help.
If you can't afford the rent long term on your own use the new place as just a stop gap untill you can find somewhere else for you and your DC.

Womens aid and the CAB would both be worth a call,they can help and if you let them they will.

Your DC will not hate you for getting rid of a man that complains about them and throws they're clothes across the garden,what normal person does that?!They wouldn't because it is not normal in anyway what so ever.

madroid · 23/04/2019 01:15

Then find somewhere else to rent. You cannot knowingly take your children into a home with an abusive man.

You're mother sounds like she is the damaged one. What a cow. You deserve support not blame from her. I'd avoid her as much as possible.

It's strange that you think not moving in with him will break your kids. In spite of him saying that giving them any attention is being lazy? In spite of the terrible example he's setting as an adult? And most importantly, in spite of how they are seeing him treat you?

Come on OP, there must be more alternatives than moving in with an abusive man?

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