Heart thumping I'm so mad

[Ella1980]

We're in the process of moving house-from 2 to 3 bed (both rented)-and I'm seriously beginning to regret it.

My fiance has turned into a complete dickhead over the past week as we're packing everything up. It's like a switch has flicked since he's become a joint tenant.

I have done loads-and I mean loads-but have also been looking after my kids and trying to spend a little time with them as I only have them for half of the time.

He has told me I should "Just leave them to it" and ignore my 8 yo when he asks if he can have some lunch. I have tried to take my youngest out of the way as much as possible when we are moving things into the new place because OH gets cross if he starts to complain he is bored. But then OH says I'm "off on a jolly" if I take the kids to the park and doing nothing to help.

I suffer from quite significant anxiety having gone through serious trauma over the past couple of years, OH knows this. I have to break jobs up into manageable chunks or else I start to find things overwhelming.

This morning I broke down because the pressure is getting to me, and OH threw all of the kids clothes across the lawn. He drove off and I was left having a full-blowm panic attack. He has since apologised but I am struggling to accept his behaviour.

I finished packing boxes tonight at 10pm and have been on the go since I 0am. I don't want him to accuse me of being lazy yet again.

I also suffer from debilitating insomnia due to my anxiety and although counselling is helping, there's still some way to go.

I feel sick and scared.

Stop talking to your mum about anything. She’s wrong. If you want to make your 8 year old lunch then that’s your decision. You’ve got an awful lot of people in your life who like trying to tell you what to do! They are bullying you. You can make your 11 year olds lunch if you want! It’s your choice. There’s no law against it! You are the parent, not them. You need out of this relationship and away from your mother. Stand on your own two feet away from bullies and do what you want with your life.

Oh and the next time your mother starts commenting on anything about your life you calmly say “I’m not listening to you. You know nothing and you are a bully” then walk away.

DO NOT move in with this man. He is showing his true colours.

This will not get better.

I think you should get in touch with your landlord asap and say you need to stay there. I'm not sure if you have done that already but if not then do try.

I know people always say moving us stressful but I try to enjoy the experience although I realised his stressed it can make some people. However it also shows people's true colours which he has done. He will always be resenting your attention to your children. An 8 year old or even 11 year old can have lunch made by their mother if they want it that way. It's nothing to do with him.
Walk away now or you may find yourself stuck. You can take control of this situation but one step at a time. If you need help just message me. The last thing you want is to lose the control and be unable to focus on the children because of his opinions triggering your anxiety.

Could you speak to the agent/landlord and try to negotiate being released from the tenancy if you haven't even moved in yet? There may be some sort of cooling off period anyway.

How are you today OP? Did you move? Have things calmed down?

By the way, your Mum sounds toxic and says dreadful things about you. I'm not surprised your self-esteem has hit rock bottom.

Your DP sounds horrible too - your DS is only 8! Making him lunch is not 'pampering' him, it's called being a parent!

Anyway, hope you are OK.

No matter what happened, throwing your kids stuff across the lawn is aggressive and unacceptable.

Please don't move in with him.

Your kids deserve better and so do you

My eldest is 8 and can't make shit

Feeling very down. All my mum is doing is having a go at me. She says she understands why my partner threw the clothes across the lawn because I am "very frustrating." It's all my fault apparently.

1. Get out of the new tenancy immediately - tell them you can't move in due to abuse.

2. Call up Women's Aid and find a space in a refuge. Hopefully you can get a place near enough to your ex as I know you need to go back and forth with custody. You could also approach your local council and tell them you are escape abuse and need emergency temporary housing.

3. Never speak to your mother or (hopefully ex) fiancé again and go on towards a peaceful life with your kids.

Your mother is a nasty, vicious cow who has emotionally abused you all your life and set you up to fail and have abusive relationships as you know no better. Getting away from her is paramount as for as long as she's dripping poison in your ear you'll a) never have the confidence to see your own worth and all the good things you deserve and b) she's actually attracting abusive men towards you! Abusers love finding women who have dysfunctional birth families and little to no support - it makes it all too easy for them to abuse and then gaslight you as they can use the critical or lack of family members as validation for their shitty behaviour.

I mentioned going to a refuge because they exist to help women suffering from heavy emotional abuse as well as violence and believe me, this is what's happening here.

Good luck OP, you poor thing...

She's just gone mental at me because I've gone quiet. She's been shouting at me all morning.

Just because your mum says it, doesn't make it true.
Just because it's your mum doing it, doesn't make it reasonable behaviour.
Maybe the phrase "If you're so worried about his happiness over mine, why don't you marry him then" should be loaded up ready...

And my mum says it's me to blame because I'm a "Damaged person" due to past abuse
From what you have written about your mum she is right.
You were very damaged - by HER!!!!!
She sounds horrendous OP.
Please stop listening to her.
This is why you are in this situation again.
Because of your toxic mum and the way she puts you down.
Have a chat with Shelter and Rights of Women.
Also give CAB a call and see what can be done.
Do NOT move in with this guy.
He's showing you who he is. He's a bully and he's nasty and he should not be around you or your DC.
Reach out to every agency you can to get away from this.
And please keep away from your mum as well.
None of these people are helping your anxiety.

Tell her to fuck off. In the plainest possible terms your Mum sounds like a toxic bitch and it's no wonder you have zero self-esteem if that's how she's treated you all these years.

Tell your partner that he's just had his last chance - and that if he ever behaves like that again then he can fuck off too.

I suspect your Mum likes him because she likes having someone to scapegoat you.

I honestly don't think you can inflict this guy on your kids. I'd consider going no contact with your mum. She's batshit.

Tell your mother to fuck off or you're ringing the police and having her removed.

Get in touch with your landlord and see if you can take back the notice.

You need to protect your kids or they need to go to their dads full time while you sort them a home out.

Come on OP, you are an adult and a mother. Stand up for them if you can't yourself.

Your mums deeply abusive and she's egging on your partner to join in with her abuse. The worse he treats you the more she cheer leads.

Cut her out of your life.

As for you partner, you can't bring a man into your life who wishes you to neglect your kids. Of course you get your eight year old lunch. Who the fuck doesn't.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him. Tell him it stops now. You will do as you see fit for your kids. And when you're done, tell your mother to fuck off and never come back.

my DP did this when we moved in together. i gave up my flat and we moved into a house he bought.

on moving day i went to his ‘old’ house to pick him up so we could get the keys to our new home. he was sitting in the living room drinking with a mate. i collected the keys on my own. in fact, i slept here on my own on the first night.

when it came to moving my furniture he was a total arsehole. shoving stuff about - in fact he broke a big chest of drawers of mine.

we’ve been here 3 years and i wish i hadn’t moved here. i have never said that out loud before. i too am utterly stuck - i am disabled, on benefits and no savings, so no way for me to leave.

i am so unhappy, but this is my life, i guess.

OP, take it from someone who regrets making the move here to live with my DP - stop this now, and make a different plan. don’t be me, trapped and hopeless.

He clearly despises your children and has been hiding it until now when he has equal rights to be at the flat you’re moving into.
Your mother is abusive. But you can only deal with one shit at the time.
Is there anywhere you can stay that is not your mother’s?

TBH moving house is an incredibly stressful time, let alone with children around. If he has been a good partner for 2 1/2 years, maybe he is struggling too?! He hasn't exactly covered himself in glory here but if he is trying to get on and the kids are whining that they are bored all the time and you are vanishing off to the park leaving him to do jobs then maybe he is feeling under pressure and is getting annoyed. Perhaps you should talk to him. People on here are so so quick to say LTB when in reality, we have no where near enough information to write off a long relationship based on what is here! Obviously if there are more problems then it changes things.

Your mum sounds awful.

Oh love Your mother is a bitch and has set you up to expect to be treated shabbily by those who are supposed to love you. It’s sadly predictable that you come from an abusive background.

I know it’s not so easy just to walk away when otherwise things have been good, but he’s given you a glimpse of your future with him, and it’s not pretty. Now the box has been opened and if you stay then you can expect more of this to come. People don’t change.

Whatever you do now is totally your choice, you don’t need to listen to your mum, or him, or even us. You can do whatever you think is best for you and your DCs because you are strong enough and you are capable .

His behaviour is 100% on him, you don’t make him act like a tit by being yourself or being ‘frustrating’ and you don’t cause your mum to have a meltdown by being quiet, that’s on her.

Please get some counselling to try to unpick all the stories you tell yourself about who you are and what you deserve.

Oh exWifebeginsat40 you poor thing.

I would be tempted to tell your Mother that the reason that you’ve ended up with abusive dickheads is because you were brought up by one!
I’m so cross at your mum!

Ella, you can do this. You’ve got out before and you can do it again. Break the cycle.
He’s abusive. Your children may not have seen this behaviour but they will know about it.
Do this for you, for your children and for your anxiety!

Go to citizens advice, phone woman’s aid. ASAP!

Please go NC with your Mother as well as your arse of a partner!

You are in an abusive relationship with both of them,they are both abusing you,please start standing up for yourself and start showing your DC what sort of behaviour they should not put up with!

Belive me when I say I know it's not easy,when I broke up with my ex husband(the day I kicked him out he'd gone to punch me because I asked him if he'd like a cup of tea and the worst part of that behaviour was that are 2 tiny sons were sitting on his lap)my parents took his side and let him move in with them,he'd been abusing me for years both emotionally and mentally and he'd raped me numerous times(it took me years to realize it was rape)he lived with them and lived like a king whilst I had 20p a day to feed myself(I made sure my DC didn't go without so I had to)it took a good couple of years for them to really realize what he was like

I'm not going to lie and say life was really easy once he was gone but it was a damb site happier for my 2DC and myself!

What are you actually going to do about moving though?

Are you going to post a couple of replies then move in with him and allow him to treat you and your kids like shit?

If you move in together he'll be on the tenancy and harder to get rid of.