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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heart thumping I'm so mad

86 replies

Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 00:19

We're in the process of moving house-from 2 to 3 bed (both rented)-and I'm seriously beginning to regret it.

My fiance has turned into a complete dickhead over the past week as we're packing everything up. It's like a switch has flicked since he's become a joint tenant.

I have done loads-and I mean loads-but have also been looking after my kids and trying to spend a little time with them as I only have them for half of the time.

He has told me I should "Just leave them to it" and ignore my 8 yo when he asks if he can have some lunch. I have tried to take my youngest out of the way as much as possible when we are moving things into the new place because OH gets cross if he starts to complain he is bored. But then OH says I'm "off on a jolly" if I take the kids to the park and doing nothing to help.

I suffer from quite significant anxiety having gone through serious trauma over the past couple of years, OH knows this. I have to break jobs up into manageable chunks or else I start to find things overwhelming.

This morning I broke down because the pressure is getting to me, and OH threw all of the kids clothes across the lawn. He drove off and I was left having a full-blowm panic attack. He has since apologised but I am struggling to accept his behaviour.

I finished packing boxes tonight at 10pm and have been on the go since I 0am. I don't want him to accuse me of being lazy yet again.

I also suffer from debilitating insomnia due to my anxiety and although counselling is helping, there's still some way to go.

I feel sick and scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 01:17

I can't afford the rent full stop on my own and tied into a 12 month contract. Was made redundant a few months back and no savings at all. I am just shocked at his complete transformation of character.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 01:19

He says a eight yo should be able to get his own lunch and that me getting it all of the time is "pampering" him? I think a huge problem is that he isn't a parent himself and doesn't get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 01:21

Tbf the kids haven't seen him bring horrible. It's only been the past few days when they have been with their dad. My mum agrees with him that I do too much for the kids? My 11 yo maybe, but should my 8 yo be making his own lunch?

OP posts:
Lefty1 · 23/04/2019 01:21

Stay with your mum and dad until you sort somewhere , it will only be temporary, as whilst your mum and dad don’t sound extremely supportive (the divorce put downs) I think that’s a much better option then staying with this clearly unstable man or staying in a hostel.
If your mum and dad make any negative comments I would literally just ignore them and definitely not take it personally and just remind yourself that it’s temp arrangement until you find somewhere to rent. You & your children need to get away from this man , he sounds deeply unpleasant.

AvengersAssemble · 23/04/2019 01:22

Omg no do not move in with him, he told you to ignore your 8 year old who was asking for lunch, then threw their clothes across the lawn? No, imagine how cruel he is going to be once you have moved.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 01:23

My mum and dad would not let us
live with them. My partner is the blue-eyed boy. Mum is also poorly.

OP posts:
TheGrapefulDread · 23/04/2019 01:23

You are not a failure because you needed to escape, by legal divorce, an abuser. Your Mother is some piece of work to state such a terrible thing. Flowers

Original poster
Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 01:25

My mum says he can get his own lunch and partner agrees. They say "He's nearly nine. We were ironing at that age" etc...

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 23/04/2019 01:28

He’s a mean bastard.
He’s shown you who he is.
Poor you and your children.
He’s going to ruin your life and abuse you and your children.
I have a 9 year old and got rid of my abusive ex.
Can you call the police on him.
Look after yourself.
He’s a twat.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 01:29

My mum got a really terrible diagnosis last year and so I do have a bit of understanding. Still, she has become quite bitter. She says she wishes she had two "normal" children (my brother has aspergers) and she told my partner she "Doesn't know what he sees in me as I am incapable of loving someone" (referring to my abusive ex who used to lock me out of the house if I came home after 10pm and much, much worse).

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 01:30

What do I tell the police?

OP posts:
AvengersAssemble · 23/04/2019 01:31

OP I have a 7 year old nearly 8 and no they cannot make their own lunch, tell you DM and DP to fuck off and mind their own business. You sound like your a scared child who believes everything they tell you. I would not give a shit if they were bloody out grafting at 5 years old, you should not feel like having to justify your parenting to anyone.

Your panic attacks are going to become more consistent as soon as you move in with him, put your kids and yourself first, or stand up for yourself.

Lefty1 · 23/04/2019 01:31

From what you’ve wrote since , I think a call to women’s aid is definitely the best course of action so they can steer you on the housing situation and help you come up with an action plan to leave. They deal with this every day so they will be able to help. Please don’t stay with this man though , he is definitely not right.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 01:33

I just think maybe it's me? Ex was abusive and now it feels like it's going to happen again...

OP posts:
MrsTeaspoon · 23/04/2019 01:38

Ok, little steps. Firstly, as an adult you do not have to listen to negativity from your parents - if it isn’t supportive then stuff them! You are not damaged and divorce does not make you a bad person, it makes you a trier and stronger than those who put up with horrible behaviour.
You have been given an eye-opener re your partner...obviously you have signed a joint contract so cannot refuse him access to the house - but you can talk to him, you can start planning on moving out as soon as possible- save for a deposit elsewhere as quickly as buggery, talk to the council - they have acces to refuges not just Women’s Aid - and if necessary talk to social work.
All of the above are options, you have to know that this behaviour is not acceptable around children, don’t minimise it (so what if other people get 8 year olds to make lunch, you don’t and that’s fine you are their parent. Btw I wouldn’t get mine to either unless I was ill and incapacitated.) Tgrowing things is showing aggression, it’s scaring someone, it’s nit right. Throwing your children’s things is showing you his disregard for them...funny how he managed to not throw his own property!
You need to be coldly calm, however much you’re panicking inside. See this as the eye opener it is and do something. Otherwise your children will grow up with this, and neither you nor them should.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 01:44

Thanks all. I agree. Like I say he's not a parent himself and at times I do feel like he see the kids as just "getting in the way." And I only have them half of the time ffs!!

You're right about mum. She started banging on again today how her and my dad both met when they were 17 and have managed to stay together. She says it is the "woman's role" to do most of the household chores and is constantly saying I am lazy for expecting help from my partner. That is what she means by "difficult". She came over to him pegging out the washing the laundry the other day and I got a telling off 😠

OP posts:
Lefty1 · 23/04/2019 01:46

Maybe try doing the freedom programme after this has blown over to help you recognise off behaviour sooner but you can’t be blamed for his shitty behaviour , you’ve been lucky to see his true colours now.
What someone else said upthread is a good idea also , move in to the new place but refuse to let your partner move in. Emotional abuse is a crime :

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

And so is threatening behaviour, such as throwing clothes around coupled with shouting , it’s not acceptable. I would firstly speak to women’s aid though , about all of it
So they can help you to come up with a strategy . Flowers

Original poster
Ella1980 · 23/04/2019 01:52

Thank you. Thing is, I know first hand nothing can be done about emotional abuse.

I really appreciate you all for being so kind to me. My self - esteem has been rock bottom for so many years now.

It's great to know there are people who genuinely care and don't blame me for everything. Thank you all for being there x

OP posts:
Lefty1 · 23/04/2019 01:53

And as for your mum “telling you off” I would give her a sharp answer along the lines of “ it’s expected that any partner of mine would indeed do his fair share around the house, but rest assured that If I ever want your opinion I’ll ask!”

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 23/04/2019 02:03

Look hear this, and hear it well!

It's not you, its them it is all of them it's that you don't have the skills to protect yourself yet

Your mum sounds abusive just from the tiny bit you mentioned about her.

That left you vulnerable to meeting someone abusive because for some awful twist of nature they seem to sniff out the slightest vulnerability like lions can sniff prey! But it also meant you don't understand what was happening until it was too late.

The abuse in that relationship then left you even more vulnerable to meeting the next abusive person, and even less able to protect yourself from it.

Your next steps will be get your shit sorted so you can leave him then you are going to stay single and while your single your
going to access support things like the freedom programme and talking therapy to learn to protect your self and talk through the things that happened which left you vulnerable.

Then your going to learn to discover how fucking brilliant you are and build a life that you and the kids love and you are in charge of.

Then and only then will you think it might be time to meet someone new and by then you will hopefully be stronger and wiser so as to not get stuck with a piece of shit ever again.
And if you do you will know your worth better than that and he will be kicked out your life so fast that he won't even hit the ground!

Lefty1 · 23/04/2019 02:03

Op new laws came in as of 2015 to address emotional abuse , so maybe when you reached out before it was maybe before the new laws had really taken effect?
Even if you don’t want him arrested I think that contacting women’s aid would help step out your plan so you can start to work towards getting out Brew

Aria999 · 23/04/2019 02:21

You're not a failure. Never think that. You sound very sensible (in spite of your mum having some batshit views) and you escaped an abusive relationship. You have two lovely DC. Whatever happens you can do this. Don't panic. 💐

Rtmhwales · 23/04/2019 03:27

Do you love him? Is this really the one issue over 2.5 years or are you minimizing his other shitty behavior?

Moving is stressful. Take a step back and see if things improve if you can't afford to separate yet. When he questions your parenting say they are your kids and you will parent as you see fit. When your mum questions things tell her you're not interested in the opinion of a woman who never worked in her life and was a home maker. It's comparing apples to oranges.

Hopefully this was just a blip and he will stop being such an arse soon.

Mummaofmytribe · 23/04/2019 03:39

This is NOT your fault. Not in this relationship, or the last one.
You don't deserve this. You are not damaged goods.

Raspberrytruffle · 23/04/2019 03:42

OP please do not move in with this idiot and subject you and your DC to his abuse. What's he giving to you and your kids ? Emotional support friendship father role? Dont worry abought not going through with sharing a house with him you will look back and think thank f$ck that I got him out of my kids lives, it will only get worse the longer you stay with him and start accepting his treatment.