Am I in the wrong here?

[TrumpetTrouser]

Me and DP get married in 6 weeks and I think the stress of organising the wedding with a little one is getting to both of us, however, I need to know if I’m in the wrong here and should go apologise.

This is how we’ve spent the Bank holiday weekend. Friday, dp went fishing with his dad and nephew. I call a few times just to say morning, then just to check in see how it’s going and then again as I’d forgotten to ask what time he’d be home and whether he wants dinner. First call was fine, other two I felt like he was off with me. (He is denying anything was wrong and that I’m making it up to make him out to be the one in the wrong 🤷‍♀️)

Saturday morning he was being grumpy as he was tired so I reacted and said I’m not spending my weekend like this. Everything just carried on and we then went to a shopping outlet that he wanted to go to, with a bit of an atmosphere and I ended up buying two things and he didn’t get anything. He then napped in the car on the drive back so was happier.

Saturday evening we went to my friends house for a bbq. He decided he was having a drink which left me to do the driving but it was a good evening.

Sunday morning we went to a large market, which again was for him (stag do is next weekend so he was trying to buy some new clothes). Again I ended up buying more than him but with his encouragement.

We then popped to my sisters house as my niece had her appendix out the afternoon before. My mum got dp to help with some weeding of the garden for 5mins. I knew nothing of this until it was done.

DP then kept asking if he could go pub with my BIL and I said no. I didn’t say why to him but my reasoning was that it would mean him getting drunk and me doing the parenting again.

We go home, baby goes down for a nap (doesn’t actually happen but) so I start trying to do some wedding stuff but dp wouldn’t help as he wanted to nap. We have a huge row, he tells me that it can be done once the baby has gone to bed at 8pm. I get annoyed as nothing ever gets done once the baby has gone to bed! I also wanted us to pop out in the evening as my sister needed us to vote for her in something but he then declared that we wasn’t going as I’d said he couldn’t go earlier.

We spent the evening not talking and no wedding planning got done.

This morning we had another row and he said some hurtful things about I need to look at how I treat people, he’ll treat me the same way.

We had to be at a meeting at the wedding venue, we hadn’t done the check sheet we needed to complete. So we rushed it, he kept getting grumpy throughout. He kept going on about this is why we should’ve done it yesterday. I end up snapping I know, it’s why I wanted to do it yesterday afternoon, we are where we are now let’s just get on with it. Once completed we then didn’t say a word to each other until we have the meeting. We then spend the day with a huge atmosphere but we made a family day of it. As we are leaving I mention I still need to get to the shopping centre and he gets the hump again as it was meant to be a family day. It was always known I needed to go. He needs to go too but said he was going to do it another time (when I don’t know as back to work tomorrow, I have wedding dress fitting tomorrow night, Wednesday night is his last night with the baby and then he goes on Thursday). I just said why don’t we all go now, his reply was he doesn’t want to follow me round the shops. I then cut my nose of to spite my face and refused to go by myself or it’ll give him something else to moan about.

I’ve then gone to him three times to try and resolve this but because I’m not apologising for my reaction he won’t have a bar of it.

Writing this down has made me realise how pathetic it really is but I really don’t think I’m in the wrong so I’m obviously missing something that I’ve done. Can you please tell me where I am going wrong??

From what you've written, OP, I think you're rather dictatorial about what he can/can't and should/shouldn't do. You call him three times when he's out fishing (not necessary); you tell him, without explanation, that he can't go out to the pub; everything feels incredibly regimented.

I'm not saying he's perfect, but I think I'd be feeling the same way if I were him.

But, really, the whole thing just sounds petty and exhausting - and this is before you've got married. (I'm also wondering if the lack of responses is partly down to how energy-sapping it is reading it.)

I think you need to let go a little: of expectations for him, and yourself; of needing to plan as much as you do.

Do you ever ask for what you need? Do you ever ask him to step up/pick up the slack?

How straightforward are you with him about your feelings, about when you're feeling pissed off and why, and about what you're thinking?

If one or both of you are not honest about what's going on inside, that's no basis for a marriage.

I agree with above, to me you sound controlling?

Maybe he is fed up of feeling suffocated and having his life organised by you?

I don't meant that to sound horrible either, maybe you feel the same... it's just how it came across.

If I were you, I'd sit him down and speak to him and also maybe admit your faults to him, and also advise him of what you want out of a relationship. I definitely wouldn't call my partner when he's on a fishing trip 3 times. He was probably off with you because he felt embarrassed.

I organised my wedding basically - men are useless lol

Good luck with it all x

Thanks for your replies both of you. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting any replies given the length of my ramblings.

I don’t think I’m controlling at all so other than the pub on Sunday lunch time can I ask what other part has come across like that? Just so I can reflect on myself.

Is calling him 3 times really that bad? I called at 7.30am when the baby got up like he asked me to and then again about 3pm and about 4.15 because I’d forgotten to ask if he wanted me to do him dinner when me and the baby was eating. I’m sure if I hadn’t done dinner that would’ve been a bigger issue. Should I not have called him at 3?

I guess my issue is that he is always tired and moody and I’m fed up of it. Yes he works hard but so do I. I just don’t think it is normal for him to need a nap every Saturday and Sunday afternoon. His tiredness is also directly linked to him drinking, although he won’t admit that and he’s always got energy for drinking.

My other issue is that I don’t feel that he supports me when I’m struggling, unless I have a full scale meltdown because I can’t cope anymore. If I say anything about what I want or need from him then I’m nagging/ moaning. I can ask and ask for help but unless I’m crying my eyes out he doesn’t react. I’ve been spending most nights the last week laying awake stressing about the wedding and he knows this. If it was the other way round I would’ve have proactively done the wedding prep needed that day to stop him stressing. Am I wrong for expecting him to see I’m getting stressed and step up?

1. Why on earth did you call him 3 times when he was fishing?! Leave him alone! A text message would have done if you really needed to know if he wanted dinner

1. How come he’s out all day (or morning - dinner = lunch or dinner = tea for you?) and you’re worrying about his food? Leave that to him.

1. What’s with the daytime naps and better mood after? Does he have a reason (work shifts, medical?) to be tired in the day? Or is he lazy? How often are you suffering his “tired” moods?

1. How do you usually decide who is drinking? You describe them as YOUR friends - I have been in couples where it’s kind of a rule that if you’re being dragged along to the other person’s friends’ house, you get to drink! But how does it usually work for you?

1. Having seen YOUR friends on Sat night, he’s now spending Sun visiting YOUR family. Not just your sister and niece but your mum as well? Some of that is part of being in a relationship, but honestly at this point I’d be thinking “how much of this weekend is going to be spent with her friends and family” and the weeding would have been the icing on that cake!

1. Having gone to your sister’s for you, you don’t “let” him go to the pub with your BIL, no explanation. His Sat/Sun is sounding shit so far - even the 2 shopping trips sound like chores as it’s for needed clothes rather than fun. Has he got form for getting drunk and not pulling his weight with his child? (if so - just stop the wedding planning, seriously)

1. Why is he having ANOTHER day time nap? See question above about shifts / medical / laziness.

1. Why does it take 2 of you to go out and vote for your sister? If I were him I’d be thinking “fucksake, her family again”. But I’m curious why you needed him? If you rely on him to go out, then your sister should be asking someone else, I think, as she’s actually asking him not you.

1. Wedding planning is boring. Why does it need so much attention from either of you?

I really don’t know from what you’ve said whether he’s a total arse and whether you’re as bad. Those questions might help you think about it. Your comments about his drinking and all these day time naps and bad moods make me think he’s a dick though!

I honestly would delay the wedding. If you can’t communicate together, you shouldn’t be getting married.

Cross posted. It would have helped to know he asked you to call during fishing.

He sounds like a total dickhead. Plenty of stuff in the first post where you can’t tell who is right and wrong. But your follow up post it’s clear he’s an arsehole.

Why do you want to marry a drunkard who insists on daytime naps and takes his shit out on you?

Postpone the wedding.

What’s wrong with naps? I have a nap on Saturdays and Sundays.

You sound controlling OP

Hi Ellisandra, thanks for your reply.

They are my friends but he knows them well and we’ve been on holiday etc with them. So I don’t see it as him being dragged along with my friends but maybe that’s where I’m going wrong.

He drinks every time we go out, there is never a conversation about it unless I make a point of saying I’d like a drink and then we’d probably get a cab or not going because he’ll moan that he doesn’t want to go and sit there sober.

We was at my sisters for less than an hour and my mum was there too. I said I wanted to go see my niece and he said yeah me too.

Also the voting thing, we are both members at the place so both have a vote. I’d have happily gone without him and even taken the baby with me but it wasn’t worth the row so never ended up going.

@Reddedder do you have children?

How would it have caused a row for you to take your baby out and vote for your sister?

So many red flags waving here.

Reddedder: naps are a problem if you need them because you drink too much, dump all the childcare on your girlfriend whilst you indulge in them, and act the moody dick when you haven’t had one. None of which I expect you do!

Yes, calling three times is overkill. You didn't notice that he was stroppy on the second call? He wanted to be left alone to enjoy time with dad, not be fielding calls from you over mundane things.

I agree you sound controlling - if you say no you can't go to the pub at least tell him why - and it's worrying you can't see it.

People who are fishing get incredibly grumpy and annoyed if you are chatting as you walk past them on the riverbank. They like it to be quiet, so maybe talking disturbs the fish or something.

He definitely wouldn't have wanted to answer three phone calls. Why didn't you just text him?

You sound more like a mother giving orders to a child.

I honestly don’t know what to make of this. I don’t think either of you sounds terribly happy tbh.

Despite the fishing, clothes shopping, party, visiting ... all nice stuff that usually puts people in a good mood... it sounds like a stressful weekend. Should things really be that hard?

Could you book an appointment with Relate before the wedding, to talk it trough with an impartial person?

Ah. That's entirely different now, TrumpetTrouser.

I'm going to say this one thing. I never learned from it, but maybe you can.

Very often (not always, but often) people marry as a sticking plaster. You tend to find this when people have been together for a long time, and/or have had kids. When I first read your OP, I wondered if you were one of those couples who were marrying as a way of cementing something that was already unravelling.

This isn't something we tend to do with full awareness. We just kind of rush headlong into marriage because we tell ourselves it's the right thing to do ... when sometimes the right thing to do is the very opposite.

But, hey, what we then tend to do is to make it so that it's virtually impossible to back out. So we go ahead and marry, with gritted teeth.

Are you at that stage, by any chance? Any doubts?

Because you can change your mind, no matter where you are.

It sounds like you’re not happy with the amount he drinks as you feel it puts an additional burden on you.

It also sounds as though you are a bit controlling with all the phoning and stuff.

Maybe the two are linked? Who knows. When’s the wedding supposed to be? I would be putting it on pause and having a serious conversation with him about what your relationship should be.

He sounds really moody. You sound tired and fed up. You are probably both stressed with the incoming wedding. How old is your baby? Do you get any time to yourselves?

Can you book a babysitter and get some time on your own to talk? Ask him how he feels about getting married. Is there anything on his mind. Listen to what he has to say. Talk it out.

The wedding is in 6 weeks and the baby is 15months, so I guess technically a toddler now.

With regard to the third phone call I see what you’re saying about texting, I didn’t see it like that. If he wanted dinner I’d need to stop at the supermarket and as I was driving home, it was easier to quickly call (on hands free) than pull over and text.

With regard to the pub, again I assumed it was obvious the reasons I wouldn’t want him to go. Is that where I’m going wrong too?

When he isn’t in a mood we are so good together and I happily plan our wedding but his moods really do affect me and every time he is like this I genuinely think about walking away, but it’s not what I actually want as I do love him so much and I really don’t want our baby to come from a broken family like I did.

I think it's the way you respond that probably annoys him. Try, even just for today, to alter how you answer him. Count to 5 and then reply in a less curt manner. See if makes a difference.
He sounds considerate in that he asks you if he can do things. I'm not saying he's right but you can't change a person, you can only change how you respond to them.
It all sounds very tense and unhappy in your household. And you do sound very controlling. Try and change the dynamics.

I’d be in a mood if you’d called me 3 times when I was fishing! But to be honest I wouldn’t have answered any calls after the first time. I wouldn’t have been doing any of the things you both do together. Why are you both doing everything together like going to markets for clothes? You don’t have to go everywhere together. It’s suffocating and unnecessary. If he wants to nap then you could go to the supermarket alone while he does that. You need better scheduling. For example, the shopping outlet he wanted to go to...you dragged a 15 month old to that? Why? There’s no way I’d do that. He wanted to go so he could have gone to that on his own while you stayed home and did wedding stuff. You aren’t planning your day properly, both doing too much of the things the other person wants to do and as a consequence getting tired, grumpy and bickering.

The drinking, the moods and the lack of hands on joint adulting from him are huge red flags and I agree with others.you really need to address these issues before getting married.

However, I think the whole weekend sou ds suffocating and its not surprising you've fallen out. If that is a typical weekend, I'd say you both must be pretty unhappy.

Your reasons for calling him sound fine, but really? One of you is out for the day and needing to speak to each other that many times is a bit much when you combine it with everything else. Plus, what was spoken about the second time? Did it turn into anything about the wedding or a moan?

That many shopping trips in one weekend would piss anyone off.

You seem to both expect each other to mind read.

Lastly, there just sounds like so much resentment. You don't sound like you are kind to each other at all. When DP and I argue, even if I don't necessarily think I was in the wrong, I still apologise. If he says sorry, I say I'm sorry too. There've been times he's been really stubborn and I say it first. And vice versa. All the tit for tat is ridiculous.

I feel you’re very very controlling and he’s absolutely tired of it.

1. Naps? Really? You have a problem with naps. I nap every single day after lunch, it is nice and it makes me feel refreshed when I wake up to continue my work day. My mum and dad even nap together after lunch! EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yes, even weekdays. Imagine that.

1. No need to be calling all the time, he was out and about enjoying his day. I am one of those people that’s easily irritated when I get calls and would rather get a text to which I can reply whenever I’m free instead of having to be interrupted by a call.

1. Permission to go to the pub. The fact that he even has to ask for permission to go is way beyond me, he’s a grown up and should be able to go to the pub if he wants to. I would take it as decency to let you know that he’s going but asking for permission my god. Are you his mother?

I feel you really need to reconsider your relationship and have a talk about it. It was a bank holiday and they’re always supposed to be fun, I feel both of you had a shitty time that was only caused by you two!

I also think you're quite controlling, and you're now trying to turn him into a raving alcoholic in a bid to get people to agree he's the one at fault.

You're not his mother. He's not a small child. In a relationship there needs to be give and take. Effective communication. Not one person telling the other what they can and cannot do and how the other should and will spend their time.

Learn compromise, communication and try to respect him as an adult in his own right. And don't repeatedly phone him when he's not in your line of sight.

His drinking sounds as if it's an issue here.

How often does he drink and how much?

I’m sorry op but you’re very full on, it doesn’t sound like there’s much chance for any downtime. That’s okay if that’s how you like to live - lots do - but I couldn’t cope with the constantly being out and about and seeing friends / family / popping out non stop and then ringing me 3 times whilst I was out doing something relaxing with my dad (the fishing). Maybe he just wants a slower pace of life?

@latenightcup before we had the baby he could nap when he wanted, go to the pub when he wanted and so could I. But why should he get to do all of that and I do the parenting alone? He got a day to do what he wanted on Friday, where was my time? I wasn’t even wanting to do something for me. I was wanting to do something for us.

Also, wedding planning with a 15month old at home. Maybe I’m doing something wrong with the parenting also, but there is absolutely no way I could get a laptop out without the baby insisting on pressing all the keys! Plus dp needed to be there to help
make decisions on food and drink choices that he cares much more about than I do.

I take on board what you say about the shopping, why did we go together. I guess it’s because we hardly get time together in the week so like to spend the weekends together as a family. There is a children’s playground at this outlet that we spent time in for the baby as well.

I think I’m starting to realise what the actual issues are. I see going shopping as us doing something for him, but I see going to my friends as something for us. I don’t see going to see my niece as us doing something for me, I don’t see us going to vote for my sister as something for me (I really wanted to go do this for my sis as she does a lot for us, looking after our baby whilst I’m at work). I get it now.

I think the other issue is that we were both craving a sunny bank holiday weekend of old which is just not possible. It started Thursday evening, when work let us leave early so we went round the pub for one before going to pick the baby up. We both wanted to stay and dp was trying to get me to stay for one more but I had to be the sensible one and insist we leave as we were already a bit later than usual. I know you guys see it as nagging and controlling but I see it as why can’t I stay in the pub for once? Why am I left to lone parent again? I don’t want to be the killjoy but someone has to be the sensible one.