Am I in the wrong here?

[TrumpetTrouser]

Me and DP get married in 6 weeks and I think the stress of organising the wedding with a little one is getting to both of us, however, I need to know if I’m in the wrong here and should go apologise.

This is how we’ve spent the Bank holiday weekend. Friday, dp went fishing with his dad and nephew. I call a few times just to say morning, then just to check in see how it’s going and then again as I’d forgotten to ask what time he’d be home and whether he wants dinner. First call was fine, other two I felt like he was off with me. (He is denying anything was wrong and that I’m making it up to make him out to be the one in the wrong 🤷‍♀️)

Saturday morning he was being grumpy as he was tired so I reacted and said I’m not spending my weekend like this. Everything just carried on and we then went to a shopping outlet that he wanted to go to, with a bit of an atmosphere and I ended up buying two things and he didn’t get anything. He then napped in the car on the drive back so was happier.

Saturday evening we went to my friends house for a bbq. He decided he was having a drink which left me to do the driving but it was a good evening.

Sunday morning we went to a large market, which again was for him (stag do is next weekend so he was trying to buy some new clothes). Again I ended up buying more than him but with his encouragement.

We then popped to my sisters house as my niece had her appendix out the afternoon before. My mum got dp to help with some weeding of the garden for 5mins. I knew nothing of this until it was done.

DP then kept asking if he could go pub with my BIL and I said no. I didn’t say why to him but my reasoning was that it would mean him getting drunk and me doing the parenting again.

We go home, baby goes down for a nap (doesn’t actually happen but) so I start trying to do some wedding stuff but dp wouldn’t help as he wanted to nap. We have a huge row, he tells me that it can be done once the baby has gone to bed at 8pm. I get annoyed as nothing ever gets done once the baby has gone to bed! I also wanted us to pop out in the evening as my sister needed us to vote for her in something but he then declared that we wasn’t going as I’d said he couldn’t go earlier.

We spent the evening not talking and no wedding planning got done.

This morning we had another row and he said some hurtful things about I need to look at how I treat people, he’ll treat me the same way.

We had to be at a meeting at the wedding venue, we hadn’t done the check sheet we needed to complete. So we rushed it, he kept getting grumpy throughout. He kept going on about this is why we should’ve done it yesterday. I end up snapping I know, it’s why I wanted to do it yesterday afternoon, we are where we are now let’s just get on with it. Once completed we then didn’t say a word to each other until we have the meeting. We then spend the day with a huge atmosphere but we made a family day of it. As we are leaving I mention I still need to get to the shopping centre and he gets the hump again as it was meant to be a family day. It was always known I needed to go. He needs to go too but said he was going to do it another time (when I don’t know as back to work tomorrow, I have wedding dress fitting tomorrow night, Wednesday night is his last night with the baby and then he goes on Thursday). I just said why don’t we all go now, his reply was he doesn’t want to follow me round the shops. I then cut my nose of to spite my face and refused to go by myself or it’ll give him something else to moan about.

I’ve then gone to him three times to try and resolve this but because I’m not apologising for my reaction he won’t have a bar of it.

Writing this down has made me realise how pathetic it really is but I really don’t think I’m in the wrong so I’m obviously missing something that I’ve done. Can you please tell me where I am going wrong??

Yup, it all sounds suffocating and that you expect him to instantly be responsive, upbeat etc. Exhausting.

Fishing wise, I wouldn't have rang. The main point is total relaxation and DH would tell me that calls disturb the fish (whatevs but there you go!)

I also think it's a bit that he asked if he could go to the pub.

Perhaps you're just not right for each other and have different expectations of how a relationship is. Better to know this now than after the wedding at least.

I think some of these comments are a bit unfair on op.

Op has a young toddler and if op is permissive and lets her dp do everything, what parenting would he do?

I would agree though, divide and conquer. He can fish while you have the toddler and you can have a free day to go to the outlet, vote, chill, also.

DH likes a nap (he does have medical reasons fwiw) but will nap around the children mostly. I guess at 15m your toddler will have a couple of hours at lunch. He should be napping then

You sound very controlling OP. He actually had to ask your permission to go to the pub?

Why don't you arrange some 'you' time then? Or arrange a babysitter for some time alone as a couple?

Your answers seem to indicate that you stop him doing anything nice because you don't get 'nice' time too.

Also the calling 3 times when fishing is way overkill. Fishing is a very quiet pastime, there was no need to check whether he wanted dinner, he's an adult so could grab something on the way home or get a takeaway if your cupboards are that bare you have no fiood in the house. Phoning 3 times is trying to muscle in on his day, like saying 'I'm still here with the baby while your having fun!'

I don't think it matters who is in the right or wrong in these instances. What I think matters is that your communication skills and ability to resolve conflict as a couple are poor. I really think you would benefit from some relationships counselling

Just organise alternative times for each other to have free time, that way you won’t feel upset / argue that you don’t get to do an activity you want (or feel you need) to do.

It’s good you’ve realised that most of the activities apart from fishing, that most people would view as something you wanted to do. And even though it was only an hour at your family, it was still your family. Maybe suggest he takes toddler for an hour somewhere fun without you (play area) to enjoy time with them, you get time and he bonds more.

Equally, if he’s bothered about wedding food etc and won’t tell you what he wants then you just make a decision and explain why you did. My husband was very keen to deal with food, drink etc but he then asked when to submit the information and make the decisions (over ruled on the starter - yuck!). They can be stressful if you let them, so try not to fall out as it’s the marriage part which really matters.

Good luck

I also agreeop that he has to ask to go to the pub. If you don't have kids it is different. But if he went without asking, what he is really saying is it is your job to look after your dc.

@JenniferJareau I don’t stop him doing anything nice. He said he wanted to go fishing so he went fishing. He is going away for his stag weekend next weekend. He had a night in the pub the week before all this, and that’s just two weeks of stuff. I definitely don’t stop him doing anything nice, I’m not sure how you can say otherwise.

I'm exhausted reading your weekend, endless running back and forward to your relatives and bloody shopping. Please stop trying to manipulate for sympathy, you're not a downtrodden mother, you're trying to get your DP to do everything your way and take the huff when he can't be bothered. Why moan 'why can't I stay in the pub?' because you have a baby; instead of bitching on MN why don't you say to him I need an evening to myself. You sound incredibly hard work.

I see this slightly differently actually. Of course he should ask if he can go to the pub, or should he just say, right I am off out and expect OP to look after the baby without discussion. Especially as he had been out all day Friday. Equally he needed to go to the market for clothes for his stag and needed to go to the shopping centre as well. Again, fine to nap but he is still expecting the OP to look after the baby while he does what he wants. If the wedding is 6 weeks away it is expected that weekends will involve wedding prep.

OP, my advice is that it may be worth planning one day out to get stuff done and one day in to relax. He can go to the pub or fish, but you should also be getting downtime without the baby too if you want it and opportunities to nap is you need. With regard to fishing I would have called once as per his request and texted anything else, but appreciate you were driving. It also sounds as though he doesn't like shopping or see it as a family day out so I would have gone alone, let him sort his own stuff re clothes and then maybe gone to a park or something else in the afternoon.

You sound tired and as though you feel all the baby stuff falls to you. Many people have posted on here to say they felt their partners just assumed child rearing was down to women and they could just behave as they had before baby came along. When stuff needs to get done it seems sensible to chivvy someone along but it can come across as controlling and doesn't work well with others. Try the day on and day off approach and plan family things all of you will enjoy. See if things improve but beware of marrying a very moody man as I did that and ended up divorced

He said he wanted to go fishing so he went fishing. He is going away for his stag weekend next weekend. He had a night in the pub the week before all this, and that’s just two weeks of stuff

Take the stag out of it, that is a one off event.

Omg you sound so controlling. He does sweet fa on his own. You need to lighten up. Poor bloke has my pity.

How much time do you actually spend together, with the baby, doing stuff as family? It doesn’t sound like there’s much of that going on.

I'm really surprised you're getting such a hard time actually OP

I don't think YABU to expect your DP to parent, he can't just swan off to the pub or to take a nap whenever he feels like it, it's not fair for the childcare to automatically default to you

Your weekend does sound a bit full on and stressful but combined with the wedding planning it was probably just too much stress and you're taking it out on each other

His drinking does concern me though OP. My DM married my DF who was very much like your DP in his 20's and early 30's and it got MUCH worse. Alcohol always came first and growing up in a house with an alcoholic, barely present father and a worn down, resentful mother was not fun and not a life I would want for my child

I think you need to use this to take a proper look at your relationship.
Playing the 'blame game', gets you nowhere.
You are probably right on some things and unreasonable on others.
Don't turn your relationship into a battleground.
You need to improve communication and connection with each other. You both need to learn how to give and take and respect each other.
Don't let the wedding preparations take priority over your day to day relationship.

It’s not asking permission though is it it’s asking her to again take the brunt of parenting that evening and the following day and the wedding planning so he can do something he wants

The problem here op is you are in a dynamic where he feels you are stopping him but you rightly are saying things have changed with a baby you can no longer just decide to go out and you are not the default parent. He also seems to not want to do it the other way

You need a serious chat I think before going ahead as this dynamic is only going to get worse and resentment grow. He would like to go out fine but you cannot always be the default parent

I don't think you should marry someone you're frequently thinking about "walking away" from. It does sound like a sticking plaster. It wouldn't be crossing your mind so often if it were right between you.

I’m not sure how you can say otherwise

And I quote: DP then kept asking if he could go pub with my BIL and I said no.

He sounds tired of your controlling manner. You also are setting yourself up to be the martyr.

You are getting married. Communicate with him that you want your own time. Men are not mind readers! Women tend to be proactive but men tend to be reactive, so you need to be clear that you would like some me time.

Make it fair. If I'm honest, I wouldn't be happy trailing around the shops if I wasn't in the mood- even if I needed to go.

You are twisting the events to make them about him, when in reality he does not see them that way. For him, he probably feels like you pushed him to do it.

Im not saying he's a Saint (and the naps would annoy me, but why can't you have a nap separately and live him with the children?) but you need to be clear with what you want. Don't set yourself up for a fall and then blame it on him as that isn't fair.

I don't think you're controlling op. He sounds like an overgrown teenager who keeps wanting to go drinking and napping and leave all parenting to you. He has a problem with drink. You have a small child, of course your life will be regimented and planned at this point, especially as you both work.
What stood out to me most from your updates is that he doesn't emotionally support you even when he can see you're in distress. You need to have a meltdown and be sobbing before he will step up. This aspect will get worse. Please don't marry this man. Both of you will be miserable. Wt least call off the wedding for now and work on your issues.

Nothing grows in shade OP.

Give him space. I’m sure you’re not but, your OP reads as very controlling.

Op

If you think he's a drunken lazy parent why are you marrying him? You have moved into really slagging this man off. This is someone you say you love.

Clearly he doesn't live up to your expectations.

End it and don't get married if what you're writing is true. However I suspect you've moved into throwing him under the bus in an attempt to get people to agree with you that you're right.

I strongly suspect he would not recognise himself if he was reading what you're writing about him. And he'd probably run for the hills if he read this.

My husband has his faults, as do I. But I've never felt the need to come on and slag him off, and tell 16 million people basically how he's a lazy drunken selfish arsehole.

So if this is true. End it. If it's over exaggerated then stop writing this shit about him.

@Bluntness100 do you really sit and sing your dh’s praises when you’ve had a row? I highly doubt it or are you one of them amazing couples who never row?

I haven’t exaggerated anything, everything I have said is factual. There are a lot of good points that I’ve actually stated in the post but not focused on and have obviously been overlooked by you. I did say when he isn’t in a mood things are great, I said he encouraged me to buy things whilst shopping (I never treat myself so this was nice of him to do), I said he wanted to go see my sick niece too, I think that was really sweet and caring, I said he works hard.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t think he should not have day/weekend long moods, he shouldn’t be swanning off to the pub all the time and should have done the wedding stuff as it would stopped me stressing out about.

Wow.. Some harsh posts on here. The guy asked her to call when they were up to say good morning. The 2nd two were maybe unnecessary but not a reason for him to be in a huff the next day seeing as he'd had the whole day out. OP maybe the weekend could have been planned better to get the shopping etc done without all of you traipsing round so in terms of lessons learnt, maybe sit with him before a weekend to plan how it's going to work but those saying it's 'controlling' are being unfair. When you're in a relationship and have a child yes you do have to ask if you can bugger off. At no point in the 4 days did the op get to do her own thing with the dp stepping up to parent his child. She is not 'slagging him off to millions of strangers' she is describing her feelings on an anonymous forum.. You know, what it's designed for!

OP I agree that you and he need better communication and no, napping during the day isn't usual for most adults with a small child. If it's a real need then he should get his health checked out. I think you have some issues but they are addressable if you both are invested in making it work.

Sorry OP you sound rather bossy telling him what he can and cant do, is attitude may be less sulky if you try and see it from his point of view . Can you imagine if it was a women having to ask her dp can I do this and that ? And the dp constantly saying no you need to do what I want everyone would be saying he sounds abusive. It sounds like you like to be in control and like to get your own way

Ok so this is at root about how your relationship transitions into parenthood. As so often happens, you feel like life has changed radically and he hasn’t caught up with that. Have you tried sitting him down and saying that to him? If not, I think you should. Explain how the world looks from where you’re sitting, ask him to take on some of the responsibility and try to even up your free time.