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Original poster

Do I tell DD that he cheated on me?

72 replies

RE124 · 21/04/2019 15:32

So my now ex husband and I got together when DD was around 4 nearly 5, we broke up nearly a year ago after I found out he'd been cheating on me. She's now 14, she still sees him fairly regularly as we have two younger children together, she doesn't see him as much as DS and DD2 do though. She's still quite close to him, sees him as her step dad and he's taken part in raising her. Earlier she asked me why we broke up and I'm really unsure whether to tell her the truth or not. I don't want to hurt her and this of course will and will make her see him differently but it's bothering her not knowing and she's old enough to understand

OP posts:
imbluedabedeba · 21/04/2019 15:33

No absolutely not in my opinion. I'd just stick with 'we fell out of love' or 'we didn't get on' etc

OurChristmasMiracle · 21/04/2019 15:36

I’d say “as much as me and step dad love you and your siblings, we didn’t work being together so we decided we were better off apart”

She doesn’t need to know what exactly happened. Just that she and her siblings weren’t to blame and that you still love them very much and her step dad still loves her.

Original poster
RE124 · 21/04/2019 15:39

That's similar to what I've told her but she saw through that and pointed we were fine and happy and then suddenly we weren't

OP posts:
SkinnyPete · 21/04/2019 15:41

Tough one... Do you lie to her and break her trust, or be honest but keep it pretty high level?

I swing towards honesty and age appropriateness while keeping any bitterness out of it. You don't necessarily need to say he cheated, but could say he fell in love/met someone else.

I don't really agree with lying to children, but definitely keeping it age appropriate.

LellyMcKelly · 21/04/2019 15:43

What has he told her? When I broke up I said ‘I think that’s dad’s story to tell you’. At least that way he can tell her himself. I don’t think it should be brushed u dear the carpet because she will find out eventually.

VanillaCoconutDove · 21/04/2019 15:44

I think I’d say he hurt you in a way that made being together no longer the right option for you. I’d then use it as a tool about always teaching your daughter to evaluate her needs and wishes in any future relationships she has.

OurChristmasMiracle · 21/04/2019 15:55

You could say you found something out which changed the way you thought/felt about step dad without disclosing exactly what it was.

Middersweekly · 21/04/2019 16:01

As someone with 2 teenage daughters I can categorically tell you...she already knows/suspects, she’s just looking for confirmation. Kids of that age are not stupid or blind. If she was younger, you could go with the white lie approach but that doesn’t wash with teenagers. I would be honest. You will only be confirming what she already suspects!

Kennehora · 21/04/2019 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MollyButton · 21/04/2019 16:07

At 14? Yes, she may already suspect and she will know about people cheating on boyfriends/girlfriends at school.

But I would emphasis that it's something between you and shouldn't affect her relationship with him. I would also tell a "version" of it to the younger ones, in language they can understand (about special friendships). I believe honest and openness in an age appropriate way without asking them to take sides is the best policy.

CupcakeDrama · 21/04/2019 16:09

Cant believe people are saying to not tell her. At 14 yes absolutely tell her.

SofaSurfer20 · 21/04/2019 16:12

At that age id tell her the truth but be blasé about it.

Tell her that although it hurt, you've forgiven him and its for the best that you're not together as you're both happier now.

ZazieTheBruce · 21/04/2019 16:13

Yes, but in a very neutral fashion.

She is close to him and has a good relationship with him. She is looking for an explanation and she deserves one. I think it will be upsetting, but probably less upsetting/damaging in the long-term than thinking that things just fell apart when they seemed fine.

It’s also less likely to cause her any “what if I turn out the same” type anguish than if it was her biological dad I think.

onlyk · 21/04/2019 16:17

Tell her but try to keep it brief and non personal.

As above she probably has already guessed what happened so lying to her would be pointless and probably upset her more.

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 21/04/2019 16:19

Good exercise in how cheating devastates lives.

Crunched · 21/04/2019 16:21

Most important is not to lie.
I would use the “ DH behaved in a way that made our marriage unsustainable to me.” line.

Flyinga · 21/04/2019 16:25

I would tell her as in the absence of the truth, she will concoct all sorts of possible explanations.

ticketsonsalenow · 21/04/2019 16:29

Tell her the truth. She is 14 and she deserves to know. How about just telling her that he fell in love with someone else and you found out. She will put two and two together and figure out the rest. I don't think it would be fair to keep on fobbing her off.

Firefliess · 21/04/2019 16:30

I split up with my ex when mine were small so initially went with the "we argued too much so decided we'd be happier having separate houses". But they're teens now and I've been much more honest when they've asked in recent years.

I'd agree that at 14 she probably has a good idea already and whilst your can spare her the details she is too old for the kind of half truth you share with a younger child. She's hopefully also old enough to understand that his cheating made him a poor partner, but that he's still a good dad/stepdad, especially if you make it clear that that's your view

QueenBeex · 21/04/2019 16:32

Personally at 14 id tell her the truth.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 21/04/2019 16:34

She knows, she just wants you to trust and confide in her. Teenagers are very astute, cheating men are not the best at hiding their indiscretion either! She knows how hurt you were, tell her the truth, but tell her that no matter his failings as a husband, he still loves her and she need not feel she has to choose a side as such!

barryfromclareisfit · 21/04/2019 16:36

Always tell the truth. Always. My dd was 4. “Daddy had a girlfriend and that isn’t allowed when you’re married, so we had to split up.”

At 14 you can go with “He cheated.”

lboogy · 21/04/2019 16:46

Why tell her the truth? It will devastate her. 14 is not an adult. It's a time when hormones are running wild while trying to make sense of the world.

You'd only be telling her for your benefit imo.

I think you just tell her you two fell out of love over time and finally made the decision after much soul searching to split

DoctorDread · 21/04/2019 16:50

Yes. Absolutely tell her. It doesn't have to vitriolic but she absolutely needs to know that cheating is not acceptable in a committed, monogamous relationship and that boundaries are important for your own self care.

Motheroffeminists · 21/04/2019 16:51

My daughters know their dad cheated. His narrative is that I was mean to him and do he left and his gf was coincidental. The truth is that he was a nasty, abusive bellend who had an affair when my dad was dying of cancer. They've known from an early age the truth but age appropriate such as the above "daddy had a gf and that's not allowed when you are married." Now they are 12 and 10 and know he had an affair and I've used it to instil some morals and chat about boundaries and acceptable behaviour.
Children often think they themselves are to blame so that's another reason to be honest as far as I'm concerned.
Our number one family rule is to tell the truth. Obviously that truth needs cushioning at certain ages.