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Original poster

Do I tell DD that he cheated on me?

72 replies

RE124 · 21/04/2019 15:32

So my now ex husband and I got together when DD was around 4 nearly 5, we broke up nearly a year ago after I found out he'd been cheating on me. She's now 14, she still sees him fairly regularly as we have two younger children together, she doesn't see him as much as DS and DD2 do though. She's still quite close to him, sees him as her step dad and he's taken part in raising her. Earlier she asked me why we broke up and I'm really unsure whether to tell her the truth or not. I don't want to hurt her and this of course will and will make her see him differently but it's bothering her not knowing and she's old enough to understand

OP posts:
HonniBee · 21/04/2019 16:55

Please tell her! My parents split when I was 5 and it was never explained to me. I ended up in counselling in my teens and finally pushed my mother to be honest with me. When I found out he'd cheated I was angry with everyone- my dad obviously, but also my mother for not being honest with me.

Doyoumind · 21/04/2019 16:59

Tell her. I agree with PPs that she probably already knows.

RB68 · 21/04/2019 17:00

a friend was in similar situation with a nearly 14 yr old. DD doesn't see her Dad and friend told her very little but DD was a victim of DA as well as friend, friend left as soon as that started.

Advice from SS and DA/V people and Police and court was tell her little as possible etc. Which was fine till indirect contact started and ex waded in with a letter letting a load of cats out of the bag and DD now has trust issues with all parties and is left feeling lied to and isolated.

My view is a light version of events. ex partner decided there was someone else he wanted to spend time with instead of you just don't go into the whole cheating thing - she will figure that out for herself

PumpkinPiesInTheOven · 21/04/2019 17:02

You could say you found something out which changed the way you thought/felt about step dad without disclosing exactly what it was.

No! That sounds sinister and leaves it to the over active imagination of a teenager.

I think yoiu should be honest OP. Tell her even though you're upset it has nothing to do with her or the kids and it's not for to say anything to the smaller children. You'll discuss it in your own time.

Sarahjconnor · 21/04/2019 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yabbers · 21/04/2019 17:18

Nope. It’s none of her business. If he is a good father to her, what he did to you is irrelevant and it risks changing her relationship with him.

She will only “see through” your explanations if you are too vague or leave it open. It’s easy enough if she says “you were happy, then you weren’t” Just say you both made sure any problems between you were kept private so they weren’t upset.

Oblomov19 · 21/04/2019 17:27

At 14 she's old enough to be told the truth.

pikapikachu · 21/04/2019 18:44

I suspect she knows too. I would tell her that he cheated but no details like how long, who she is, what they did etc.

category12 · 21/04/2019 18:49

I'd be honest.

I think there are ways of doing it that don't have to vilify him.

PreseaCombatir · 21/04/2019 18:52

She knows, but she wants you to confirm it

category12 · 21/04/2019 18:52

The problem with some sort of fudging of it, is that your dd may end up blaming you or finding out later on and be angry about being lied to. She's old enough to understand that sometimes people do the wrong thing but can still have good qualities, be lovable.

PreseaCombatir · 21/04/2019 18:56

Nope. It’s none of her business. If he is a good father to her, what he did to you is irrelevant and it risks changing her relationship with him.

She wants to know why her happy life changed irreparably.
Of course it’s her business, she deserves the truth. It doesn’t need to be said in a nasty way, it can just be done neutrally and factually.
If that changes her opinion of him,well, actions have consequences. Sometimes far reaching consequences

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 21/04/2019 19:05

Put her mind at rest and be honest with her - she knows or probably has a very good idea and will respect you for your honesty.

For the poster who said it's none of her business, it IS very much her business and she has every right to know why her family is now in this position.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 21/04/2019 19:13

Tell her the truth or she will never trust you. My friends DD left home at 16 after realising there had been OW and her mum had lied to her.

Don’t run him down though, just stress that she is allowed her own relationship with him.

OldWomanSaysThis · 21/04/2019 19:15

Lie to a 14-year-old? No.
I'd tell her your version of the truth and then direct her to him to get his version of the truth - because the stories will be different - and then she can make up her own mind about how she feels about it.

ConfCall · 21/04/2019 22:03

She already strongly suspects, I think. She probably wants confirmation and to support you.

She’s not a little kid. It’ll lead to a useful discussion about what’s acceptable and what she should not tolerate in her own relationships.

Windygate · 21/04/2019 22:09

I was the child/young person your DD is. Don't insult her intelligence, tell her the truth in a gentle a way as you can..

NoCauseRebel · 21/04/2019 22:19

A lot of projecting going on on this thread I suspect.

Firstly, the in’s and outs of adults relationships are not the children’s business especially when one or other adult could use that information to influence the children’s loyalties towards them.

For those who state that the children deserve to know, why? So they can form a biased opinion based on the information given by one parent - the one who feels aggrieved by the situation? What happens if a partner cheats but that an affair was a product, not a cause of an unhealthy relationship, and on being questioned that party divulges all the things which were wrong in the relationship and that while they regret cheating there were already issues within the relationship and other partner was e.g. abusive for instance? How is the child expected to form an opinion based on all that?

It’s very easy to sit here and state that because he cheated the children deserve to know. But that’s a very black and white view. Because while cheating is undoubtedly wrong, affairs are often not black and white, and we none of us know what was going on within that marriage before the affair took place.

So no, I wouldn’t tell her that he’d cheated. I would tell her that relationships are complicated sometimes, but that what goes on between the adults should in no way affect how the children feel assuming we’re not talking about actual abuse etc or criminal behaviour. MtL

Aimily · 21/04/2019 22:22

I would involve him and tell her together?

NameWithChange · 21/04/2019 22:37

If you don't tell her the truth it will come back on you when she finds out - and feels that you lied to her.

Just make it as gentle and age appropriate as possible, but definitely tell her the truth.

Original poster
RE124 · 21/04/2019 22:44

@NoCauseRebel i understand what you're saying because I could say anything here to make myself look good but that wouldn't help me decide what to do in this situation. From my point if view we had a healthy relationship, I didn't see it coming at all and it was a complete shock when I found out. I wouldn't use it to my advantage to make DD turn against him or something, I'd like her to have a good relationship with him. I don't think it's completely not her business because it wasn't just a relationship between the two of us, we were a family and it affected our DC too

OP posts:
ZazieTheBruce · 21/04/2019 22:50

Explain how giving a truthful answer to a question is biased NoCause?

pikapikachu · 21/04/2019 23:00

The child deserves to know because it affects her lives. She might have to move house, change school etc In this case the truth means that she can write off a reconciliation between her parents. The dd might have experienced a relationship breakup or be aware of cheating being an reason for a breakup. If she finds out the truth from someone other than her parents she will be rightly pissed off for being lied to.

LemonTT · 21/04/2019 23:24

I think you need to discuss what you say with her stepfather as this will impact on the relationship with the other children.

I agree that 2 adults who split have a right to privacy about why split if they both want. Even if that means not disclosing something to their children. Children are very influenced by their parents and they pick up good and bad. Children who experience infidelity are statistically more likely to repeat it. I think it is twice as likely. Even though they have similar belief systems as people who don’t cheat. On this basis I would chose to conceal it from them if that is at all possible.

In this case the OP clearly wants to disclose the truth so my approach would be to discuss it with her ex and then ask the child why she wants to know. If she already knows then a joint discussion about it with her may help her.

WineGummyBear · 22/04/2019 08:24

I agree that, at 14, the age appropriate version of the truth is 'he cheated'. Delivered in a neutral way.