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Original poster

Do I tell DD that he cheated on me?

72 replies

RE124 · 21/04/2019 15:32

So my now ex husband and I got together when DD was around 4 nearly 5, we broke up nearly a year ago after I found out he'd been cheating on me. She's now 14, she still sees him fairly regularly as we have two younger children together, she doesn't see him as much as DS and DD2 do though. She's still quite close to him, sees him as her step dad and he's taken part in raising her. Earlier she asked me why we broke up and I'm really unsure whether to tell her the truth or not. I don't want to hurt her and this of course will and will make her see him differently but it's bothering her not knowing and she's old enough to understand

OP posts:

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 22/04/2019 08:24

I would ask her why she wants to know more details of the split and if she worried about something. Also, it might be worth discussing with your ex and tackle it together.

sunshinesupermum · 22/04/2019 08:26

Be honest with her. Age 14 they see through obfuscation.

holly873 · 22/04/2019 08:28

Not yet no. She is still too young to know this.

ticketsonsalenow · 22/04/2019 16:12

She is still too young to know this

No she isn't. She's not a little girl, she's a teenager and it won't be long before she has a boyfriend herself, if she hasn't got one already. She will have friends at school who have been going out with one another, had break-ups, seen someone else, been two-timing, the lot. She is old enough.

You need to be honest with her.

Cheekyfeckery · 22/04/2019 16:19

Yes, you should be honest.

I have told my DCs the truth but only when they asked (two haven’t asked, two have).

I think they appreciate you being honest and showing them that respect.

It’s how you tell her that is important. She might get upset, he didn’t value what you had enough etc, and she may get angry with him. But if she sees that you are ok, she will be.

PreseaCombatir · 22/04/2019 16:55

You tell a 4 year old things are complicated sometimes, not a 14 year old.
How patronising

PaterPower · 22/04/2019 20:57

I don’t really see how it’s any of her business. If my 14 YO DD asked me why her mother and I split I wouldn’t tell her that she cheated on me (the unvarnished truth).

I’d go either with “it’s something private between your Mum and I” or would, as PP has suggested, ask why it was bothering her all of a sudden. Our children deserve our respect, honesty and commitment, but they don’t get an automatic right to know everything about us - in the same way our intimate partners don’t.

SandyY2K · 22/04/2019 21:11

She's 14 and old enough to know what cheating is.
Telling lies or witholding the truth when you've been asked a direct question is just deception on top of deception.

Sunshineandflipflops · 22/04/2019 21:19

Interested in this as me and my husband separated due to his infidelity also. My kids are 11 and 13 (10 and 11 when it happened) and we said that we weren’t making each other happy anymore. This was incredibly difficult as we were happy and the kids knew that so I felt like we were de-writing everything they thought they knew.

He is still with the ow now and the kids have met her and just spent a few days away with them. I’ve told him that although I won’t be offering them the truth about why we split, if they ask me I won’t lie. Both he and her will have to deal with that when the time comes.

MargoLovebutter · 23/04/2019 11:01

OMG, I can't believe people are suggesting that the OP lie in this instance.

Yes, tell your DD. It doesn't have to be an emotion-fuelled diatribe but you can tell your DD that her step-dad wanted to be with someone else and started a relationship with them, when you thought that you were in an exclusive relationship with him, so they two of you fell out of love and split up.

MargoLovebutter · 23/04/2019 11:03

Just to add, I've always been honest with my two about why their Dad left, in an age appropriate way. Their Dad (who had an affair & left us when they were tiny) lies enough for both of us. I believe it is important they know that one parent is trustworthy and honest.

DBML · 23/04/2019 11:07

Hi Op

Yes, you tell your daughter. She’s old enough to know. You say something along the line of:

——— and I broke up because he couldn’t commit to me. I think you know what that means, but we can all stay friends and you can still see him when you wish. You must know that sometimes these things happen in relationships and it just means that person wasn’t right for us.

It’s a perfect opportunity to show your daughter that she doesn’t have to put up with a cheat in her future. You’re a strong and superb role model for her.

ThatLibraryMiss · 23/04/2019 11:43

You could say you found something out which changed the way you thought/felt about step dad without disclosing exactly what it was.

Good grief, no! That could be anything from wearing odd socks to taking part in animal and child porn.

"He wasn't happy with me, and he met someone else. That wasn't what I wanted from a marriage so we split up. He wasn't a good husband for me but that doesn't mean he's not a good dad."

Teddybear45 · 23/04/2019 11:44

Yes tell her. She needs to know the truth. Hiding the facts will just break the trust she has in you

SandyY2K · 23/04/2019 14:49

So here's what can happen when you lie to a child in a similar situation.

[This is from a woman who had an affair and her DH left her.]

My son was asking his dad some very hard questions last Saturday.

Like what was it that it made him desperate to leave? Couldn't we solved our problems and stayed together?

He saw his friend's parents in school getting divorced. He never thought this would happen in our family
...And then finally asked was his dad cheating on me?

Then my STBXH revealed the truth about me cheating. He told him he tried hard but couldn't any more.

Kid's may draw their own wrong conclusions, which can be damaging.

ScreamingLadySutch · 23/04/2019 15:02

If we lie to children, then how are they supposed to make sense of the world?

What Chumpady says: "You’ve got two teenagers. They aren’t stupid. Teenagers can sniff out hypocrisy at 20 paces. Tell them. As I’ve said on this blog a bazillion times, it’s not okay to gaslight children (“I have no idea why we’re divorcing!” “We grew apart!” “Love is a nebulous vapor that evaporates sometimes!”) even with the best of intentions — sparing them further hurt. Lying to them HURTS THEM TOO.

The caveat to this advice is do NOT editorialize (“Dad is a man-whore”) and do not slop your grief on to them, they have enough of their own. Face this adversity head on, be the sane parent, and assuage their concerns about how this break up will effect THEIR lives. Because Dad sure as hell isn’t doing that.

Talk to a shrink about this? There is no common core standard advice on this. Depends on your shrink. Some say tell, some say don’t tell. My feeling is that unless you have personally gone through this misery? Shut the fuck up. If you haven’t lived it, if you’ve never spent one miserable minute trying to keep a colossal secret from your children and Kept Up Appearances? Shut the fuck up.

All I can tell you from reading tens of thousands of stories on this blog, and getting letters from adult children still upset they weren’t told, and reading all the mightiness from sane parents? And the resilience of children who were allowed to form their own opinions and relationships with the cheating parents? Honesty is the best policy."

DoctorDread · 23/04/2019 20:20

Projecting? No. But teenage relationships are invariably fickle. If, by telling our teens that we refuse to accept infidelity, we strengthen them - especially teen girls - to walk away rather tjan wonder if it's something undefinable that they've done, to 'cause' their boyfriend or girlfriend to cheat.

Neutrally telling a teen why you decided you would not put up with infidelity from your partner is helping women of tomorrow strengthen their own boundaries and dispense with so much bullshit they'd be best off leaving behind their future selves.

Lying about infidelity serves only the cheat.

DoctorDread · 23/04/2019 20:20

And I say that as someone who's divorce was not caused by infidelity on either side.

HeckyPeck · 23/04/2019 20:33

You can tell, but you have to be prepared that it might ruin their relationship.

Is telling her worth that?

Saying “we didn’t love each other any more and the rest is between us as adults and not something you need to worry about” isn’t lying.

A step parent relationship is also more precarious than a parental one.

You also have to think about what she might tell the younger children.

I don’t really see what good can come of it.

Lozzerbmc · 24/04/2019 07:05

I think tell her the truth in a sensitive way. She might be worried its her fault

PreseaCombatir · 24/04/2019 08:05

You can tell, but you have to be prepared that it might ruin their relationship
Actions have consequences.
When people cheat, a consequence of that is that their children might look at them differently.
It’s not up to anyone else to protect you from the consequences of your own actions.

RLEOM · 24/04/2019 12:15

No, don't. She's still fragile - I think we forget what it's like to be a teenager.

I know it's her step dad, but I'm sure he was a father figure to her. Don't ruin her perception of men just yet, especially someone who is a role model.

I knew my mum was cheating on my dad when i was a teenager but it wasn't confirmed by my mum until I was in my early 20's. When confirmed - despite me already knowing - it messed me up for a while.

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