How does your husband manage hobbies with young DCs?

[Tinatrainer]

DH thinks I'm mean when it comes down to giving my blessing for him to go off and enjoy hobbies.

I want him to have breaks and enjoy himself but feel it's always at short notice when I don't have time to make alternate plans or he will go when they are poorly and leave me in the trenches.

I have hobbies but pursue them much less regularly than DH and would never leave him alone with poorly DCs. His hobbies range from evening pursuits, to 12 hours a day, to one or two weekends away each year. He doesn't do an awful lot but I often find the timing is bad, particularly when I'm left caring for the DCs over my birthday weekend or when I'm exhausted after having hardly any sleep for a few days because the baby is teething etc. He tends to give a few days notice when he's out for a full day at the weekend and I can feel under prepared or stressed that I can't do the jobs I'd planned through assuming that he would be home with the DCs too. We argue a lot about his failure to communicate and plan better for this.

Some weeks, he will do maybe one evening hobby, compared with others when it's 3 evenings and a weekend day when the kids are ill. Those weeks can put me on my knees if there's no hope of an early night and DC2 is teething etc. I find myself cancelling my weekly class a lot because I'm too exhausted after caring for the DCs during busy weeks. I also BF so not like DH can help much at night and DH has a demanding job which keeps him busy on evenings too.

Last week, having returned from our holiday one afternoon, he had planned to spend almost a full day doing his hobby the following day when there was food shopping and washing to do. All this is difficult with very young DCs and I also wanted a break myself. I told him I was not prepared to be left alone with the children and he said that I am mean and that he is fed up of me spoiling his enjoyment of his hobbies by complaining each time he does them (I understand this).

How to other husbands manage their hobbies and how much do others do?

I am trying to equal his down time, but find it difficult to achieve when there are jobs to catch up on because I've had to entertain the DCs, or when DH and I haven't spent time together because he's been busy with work and hobbies for a 2 week period etc.

Your husband is a selfish arse.

Young children (and they sound very young given you are bf) and hobbies taking a parent away from the house sometimes 3 evenings a week are not compatible. Why are you so understanding? You are a mug and he is a shit.

I agree with the PP.

DH has significantly reduced the time and money he spends on his hobby. I know this good weather is particularly calling to him to enjoy his hobby more too.

But he understands that there has to be a balance and happily spends time with his DS over his hobby.

He also ensures there's a fair balance with me getting time for my hobby too.

Being parents take precedence and is all about team work

On the occasion it happens 3 evenings a week, he argues that it's a rare occurence (and it is really) but those weeks can really put me on my knees on very little sleep if I can't get to bed early enough and the Dacs are ill. A few weeks ago, I felt so physically and emotionally drained by it all that I kept crying, but DH did what he had planned anyway. He believes that part of the issue is my worry for the DCs when they have a high temperature etc as I will get up yo check on them a couple of times through the night and I have to get up to breastfeed once or twice too. He thinks I'd feel better if I relaxed and worried less about them, but I don't feel I do much more than any other mum would?

That is positive @twittle. DH also does significantly less of his hobbies than pre-DCs. But he is someone who had 3 regular and time consuming hobbies. He argues all the time that he does each one much less than he used to and he does, but it still feels they put a lot of pressure on me somehow.

I also agree with him that the DCs seem to get poorly everytime he has something planned, which makes him feel I'm purposely trying to stand in the way of his plans when I ask him to rearrange/cancel. But then I think, isn't that just part of being a parent? Having to cancel plans/rearrange around the DCs?

Don't allow him to make you question your behaviour op. You're a parent , and checking on a sick child is simply good parenting.

He's a selfish bastard.

In answer to your original question, my husband cut down his hobby time drastically when our youngest was born. He went from having a few hours every other night and half a day on weekends to having an hour to enjoy a diluted version of his hobby while I get the baby settled for bed each evening. This is fine by me as a bedtime routine is rarely a two person job , if it ever is , due to illness or whatever , he does his bit.

Ugh he sounds unpleasantly selfish. I couldn’t put up with that, I’d want to know why he doesn’t want to spend more time with his children and making things easier for you, his partner. I’d feel he was taking you for granted. Kids are young and exhausting for such a short length of time, his priorities should lie at home. Anyway to answer your question: my husband goes away for three days every two years for his main interest and other hobbies like cycling he doesn’t do at present - instead he does other things he likes that we can do as family activities too like geo-caching. He goes fishing but takes eldest with him and they bring their catch home to eat - maybe once a fortnight.
I’d not mind if he did more and tell him so but he’d rather be with us all during day and be with me in evening keeping me company and there in case of illnesses/colic etc.
I’m the same tbh, I have a hobby that is not at all young-child friendly which I love but have put to one side for the time being, happily, instead I do more homely activities.

When kids are young, hobbies have to take a back seat. I go out much more than my DH but it is what it is. Now kids are at primary school and hardly ever sick, everyone gets more time to do things. He has to scale it down and give more notice and help more. If you had more notice then you could possibly organise for someone to come help you or de-camp to grandparents for the weekend? Constant last minute plans aren’t acceptable. Leaving you with sick kids isn’t acceptable.

Mine has one evening each week for a hobby that takes him out of the house and occasional nights out with friends (maybe every other month). That seems reasonable to me.

I go running 5/6 times a week (mostly for an hour, given the bf three month old, but I'll ramp up as he gets older). So pretty equal in terms of time out of the house.

Hobby hobby hobby.
What are they?

My dh discusses with me if he wants to do something and I do him. If required we compromise.

He is being selfish and opting out of the real parenting. You need to set boundaries now or this will continue through DCs young lives. Ok they might start sleeping all night , become more independent etc - but they will still get sick, miss school, have parents nights/clubs/school plays, parties, need taxi-ing around etc - I suspect this will all fall to you if he doesn't step up to the hard graft of parenting and realise his life style has to change. I allowed my stbxh to opt out of the graft and it just made me a resentful angry mess and now divorcing after more than 20 years of it. Don't be like me OP.

Your husband is very selfish. When kids are young, hobbies have to go on the back burner to an extent. Their needs come first and you need to be a team.

Then when they get older you get to spend evenings as taxi drivers etc! 😁😁

Seriously, my DH works long hrs and can be a grumpy old arse face sometimes but he would have my back every single time without me even having to ask.
His hobby is golf and he plays very rarely these days but accepts it is what it is.

Serious talking with DH for you.

He sounds unreasonable. However, to give a slightly different perspective, I am the one in our relationship with the hobby. We have 3 kids and the youngest is 3 months. I do my hobby 4 nights a week! But:

(I) I am only out the house for an hour and 45 mins.
(ii) I am at home all other times as my hobby is pretty much my social life too.
(iii) I do everything to ensure things are sorted before I leave the house, dinner done and on the hob etc

The other thing is that my hobby keeps me well physically and really helps my mental health, so dh supports it. Also, dh does have a hobby. His is more sporadic than mine but when he is out he is out for way longer and often overnight! It's a constant negotiation tbh.

He does what he wants and we fit around it

Thanks for the perspectives.
We have had countless talks about this and this thread came on the back of last night's talk where he explained that I am "unreasonable." He doesn't see why post holiday unpacking/shopping etc couldn't go on hold whilst he did his hobby for a few hours the morning after returning from our holiday.
He thinks I am purposely standing in the way of his free time and this really is not my intention. I've repeatedly asked for more notice and we have had many conversations about how much down time we should each get each week/month. He agrees initially and then when he goes back on the agreement dubs me unreasonable.
I just want us to work as a team with respect for each other's time off but it feels like he's competing/pushing against me all the time.
I am quite happy to take as much time off as him but he's always safe in the knowledge that I'm never going to go out when the kids are ill, which is a lot atm as DC2 has just started nursery and is picking everything up, so he sees this as a free pass for childcare, although he would argue that he doesn't.

Why couldn’t the post holiday unpacking / shopping wait for a few hours?

It definitely could and it did.
It was more the need to shop for food as there was nothing in to feed the DCs and food shopping alonewith the 2 of them is not good for my mental health so I avoid at all costs.

You're unreasonable for expecting him to be a parent and do his share?

It looks like there's no talking to him op. I suspect (and this probably isn't what you want to hear) that you either put up with him doing as he pleases or go it alone.

Could you suggest he does an online shop to be delivered so there is no need to go shopping with the kids in future ?

Sounds like there could be a middle way.
Could he or you not have dashed out to the shop early to get enough bits in and then he head off.
Getting some shopping and doing a wash is not a big deal..sorry. A wash takes 2 mins and can be deferred or he could have got up a while earlier and stuck it on.
If someone is engaged in a team sport you really can only compete until mid 30s so l think it's fair enough to agree to that while it's possible. I played 3 team sports but chose to give one up when had DC. I wasn't ever under pressure from dh as he knew that's who l was when we got married.
He also played a team sport but choose to give it up as too much full days involved.
But l also got babysitters. If you can afford it at all get a good babysitter so ye both can have fun.
Maybe it's different in lreland but l always see here that couples try to do everything.
I always had an older teen to help me with the DC and dh or l could head out whenever we wanted, within reason.
A lot of resentment will arise in your relationship if ye continue to fight over this.
Try to reach a middle ground.

I think you have to meet in the middle somewhere. I would probably accept he’s not going to start giving more notice. I would try and come to an agreement on the frequency so you can come to at least expect it will happen a minimum and maximum per week. I would probably agree on a maximum of twice in a 7 day period. I would also suggest he doesn’t go for a full day on a weekend. Is he cycling? Can he go for half a day? If you can just agree it will never be more than twice a week that could help?

OK, time to count the hours. How many does he get and how many do you get (remember you could spend your downtime in the house, no need to go out if you're too tired)? If his > yours, how is that fair?

Like I've said, tried to get him to agree to set amount of evenings/ days away but he just seems to have his own agenda regardless.

I proposed: 2 evenings per week each and one full day each per month. He agreed and then just does what he likes anyway.

Also, he doesn't see that the evenings each per week should be flexible if children are ill, or we have had very little sleep etc. I will cancel/rearrange on these occasions- he won't and then he will do extra on occasions too. I'm flogging a dead horse.

The problem I think is when someone has decided very early on in your relationship that you are an unreasonable person, no matter what you try to say or do, you will always be unreasonable and your feelings will never matter.

We have a 16mo and a baby due in 2 weeks. My husband runs his own business and often works around 60 hours a week, including evenings. Since I have been heavily pregnant he has helped a lot more , bath dd every evening (I’m finding it to much of a strain) and if I really need a break during the day will stop work for an hour (he works from home) which means he has to make it up in the evening. He’s also been doing his share of night wakings / very early starts with dd (it was previously all me but I just could do it all whilst pregnant).

I have zero hobby time (any down time is when dd is napping - I do housework and try and eat/ rest for a short time) or when she is asleep at night (I tidy up, cook then go to bed). I do meet friends / go for coffee but invariably have dd with me.

My husband has a little more free time but not a lot : he goes for an hour long run 3x per week and an evening out with friends roughly every 2 weeks (could be a just out for a curry or an evening in the pub). His running use to be announced at the last minute and coincide with bath/bed/evening tidying up time - I did put a stop to this as felt I was being left with the worst part of the day on my own, normally when totally shattered. He now goes late afternoon and will work a bit at night (after I’m in bed) to compensate. The nights he does out with mates are a bit of a pain for me as I will do the whole evening routine (I have spd and find it physically hard) , do the night and early morning, then do almost everything the next day as “tired” (hungover). But the rest of the time he is pretty good so I let it go.

Honestly your DH hobby time seems excessive with 2 very young DC... it’s not fair that you spend any child free time doing chores and shopping. I totally understand when you say that you have no energy left for hobbies - my DH will often say “why don’t you go out when dd is asleep in the evening” but realistically I need to go straight to bed once I’ve finished the evening routine. Your DH sounds really selfish and immature, I’m not sure what to suggest however - if I was you I probably would have fully lost my shit by now. I think you’re being too understanding x

We both spend much, much less time in hobbies than we did in the past. We seem to spend most of our free time facilitating the DC’s hobbies now. I dread to think how many hours I have spent at the side of a swimming pool in the last 7 years.... or archery field.... or dance hall .....

My DH carried on exactly as before and expected me to facilitate this by looking after our DD. I had a 'road to Damascus' moment when she was about eighteen months old. I was at the park with her whilst DH was pursuing his hobby. It was a lovely, sunny spring day and I seemed to be surrounded by families all happily playing with their DC together. I realised then that it would always be like this; that I would always be the one taking DD out and keeping her out of the way. That wasn't good enough for me, so I left shortly afterwards and he's been XH for a long time now.

I'm afraid that many men behave in this selfish way. Sorry that I can't be more positive, OP.