How does your husband manage hobbies with young DCs?

[Tinatrainer]

DH thinks I'm mean when it comes down to giving my blessing for him to go off and enjoy hobbies.

I want him to have breaks and enjoy himself but feel it's always at short notice when I don't have time to make alternate plans or he will go when they are poorly and leave me in the trenches.

I have hobbies but pursue them much less regularly than DH and would never leave him alone with poorly DCs. His hobbies range from evening pursuits, to 12 hours a day, to one or two weekends away each year. He doesn't do an awful lot but I often find the timing is bad, particularly when I'm left caring for the DCs over my birthday weekend or when I'm exhausted after having hardly any sleep for a few days because the baby is teething etc. He tends to give a few days notice when he's out for a full day at the weekend and I can feel under prepared or stressed that I can't do the jobs I'd planned through assuming that he would be home with the DCs too. We argue a lot about his failure to communicate and plan better for this.

Some weeks, he will do maybe one evening hobby, compared with others when it's 3 evenings and a weekend day when the kids are ill. Those weeks can put me on my knees if there's no hope of an early night and DC2 is teething etc. I find myself cancelling my weekly class a lot because I'm too exhausted after caring for the DCs during busy weeks. I also BF so not like DH can help much at night and DH has a demanding job which keeps him busy on evenings too.

Last week, having returned from our holiday one afternoon, he had planned to spend almost a full day doing his hobby the following day when there was food shopping and washing to do. All this is difficult with very young DCs and I also wanted a break myself. I told him I was not prepared to be left alone with the children and he said that I am mean and that he is fed up of me spoiling his enjoyment of his hobbies by complaining each time he does them (I understand this).

How to other husbands manage their hobbies and how much do others do?

I am trying to equal his down time, but find it difficult to achieve when there are jobs to catch up on because I've had to entertain the DCs, or when DH and I haven't spent time together because he's been busy with work and hobbies for a 2 week period etc.

Oh, I forgot to say that I had an interest which I followed passionately, but I realised I had to give it up whilst DD was small. I went back to it ten or twelve years later, and it was still there, waiting for me. Men, by and large, don't seem to understand this. However, I realise that I could simply be bitter because of my own experience.

No me....But my parents growing up.

Both had time consuming hobbies (well, the same hobby actually). They took it in turns. So kids back from school one of them is in, looks after us, other one comes home and takes over whilst the original one goes out for a couple of hours. Then when they get home other one goes out. This happened most days as both my parents spent maybe 10-15 hours a week on hobby. More time as we got older.

The problem isn't the frequency or duration by the sounds of it. It's that it's always short notice and poor timing. It means you must frequently feel like you have no control over things.

I would say he needs to start using a shared calender. If it isn't in the calender it isn't happening!! And if he does it anyway then record on the calender and them after a few weeks show him how many times he caught you out on short notice and what the implications were for you. Show how little time you're getting because of it. Also plan your own things in the calender. First come first serve!!

If he still doesn't care then the simple answer is....He doesn't care. He is purely selfish.

To me you do sound a little anxious about health (assuming the kids are averagely healthy and there are no pre existing conditions)

I do understand. One of mine was prem, hi risk high needs baby and I was overly anxious.

However the action of a decent partner would be to work with you on this, to do a fair share of the care, perhaps lead by example if they think you are a little too anxious. And make life easier by, say doing an online shop to arrive at a convenient time, put it all away, sort the washing, put a load on. Then check if it’s ok to bugger off out for a spot of me time.

The action of a selfish nob is to go ‘Waaah you are a big meany and im going out anyway‘ and fuck off out for the day.

Seriously, you’d feel a LOT less anxious if he actually stepped the fuck up.

I know what you mean about someone deciding that you are unreasonable. For me, part of it was simply that it made me feel like I was unreasonable and demanding. I felt like a horrible person a lot.

Since breaking up with my exh I've had a couple of bfs and both wold laugh at the idea that I'm unreasonable and demanding. I would think both would describe me as the total opposite of that. Partly because they didn't decide I'm unreasonable, as you put it. But partly because I don't/didn't have to demand anything from them. They have both given me their time, understanding and support willingly.

Writing things down and providing proof never helped with my ex; it was just another example of how pushy I supposedly was and would earn me a disapproving frown.

Have you looked into other ways of reducing the burden on you, without relying on him? Outside help (paid, family)? Does he come home before going out to his hobby, so that you could leave him at home with the kids before he goes?

you’d feel a LOT less anxious if he actually stepped the fuck up
Yep.

My DH follows a football team so is out 1:30-6pm every Saturday, sometimes longer if it’s an away match. He also plays football one evening a week from 8-10pm.

I follow my hobby one evening a week from 7:30-9pm.

He'll probably only need you to go out a couple of times leaving him with the sick children to begin to understand. Also, checking on them at night, is it necessary? I've always assumed mine will shout if there's a problem.

Your husband sounds selfish, op. You definitely do deserve equal time. It sounds like he sees the evening as childcare. Ie if you're available for childcare then he's got a free pass. Meaning that you can make him childcare for the evening to give you a free pass?

The problem I think is when someone has decided very early on in your relationship that you are an unreasonable person, no matter what you try to say or do, you will always be unreasonable and your feelings will never matter.

Why on earth did he marry you if he thinks you are unreasonable. I think what you are really saying here is the last bit - he has decided your feelings don't matter because it is more convenient for him to do so. And he uses the word "unreasonable" to cover this.

When we had 3 small children/toddlers/babies and 2 busy jobs, we both pulled right back on hobbies. We prioritised exercise for both of us - so we could each go to the gym/run in the evening or early morning - about an hour or so tops. Once the children got more independent, dh went back to his sport in a much bigger way - volunteering and participating. He also got the kids involved.

Your dh is treating you like the default parent - the one actually responsible for the grunt work of being a parent while he dips in and out. I would not be happy with this at all.

Mine just carried on, safe in the knowledge that I would pick up the slack. One of the reasons why he’s an ex.

I’m in a hobby club now, and the biggest demographic is 40+ women with DCs who are a bit older trying to get their life back. Very rarely do I meet men who say the same.

He seems to have no intention of changing op. My exh was like this and would just go straight out from work at a moments notice or just announce that he was going night fishing the evening before I had an important university exam. All when we had an 18m old at home.

We eventually split up (for this reason and many , many others) and I started to have leisure time of my own for the first time ever as he suddenly took an interest in the kids when I told him it was over. Every other weekend I had time to do my hobby...which was sitting in a coffee shop with a good book and relaxing

I don't mean to make light of this op , I really don't , but a lot of us here do understand what it's like to have a selfish 'partner' and how they often never change.

For goodness sake can't these hobbies be put on ice until the DC are a bit older and more independent?

Like I've said, tried to get him to agree to set amount of evenings/ days away but he just seems to have his own agenda regardless
Why have you carried on having children with this lazy, selfish tosser?

Leave him.
If you have 'no choice' but to effectively be a single parent then you may as well do it properly!

I would say that we agree on equal free time and both facilitate that. So if he's out for a few hours this morning, I get the same number of hours this afternoon.

And if this didn't happen, after a couple of weeks I would quietly decide in my head that we were no longer a team and me and my kids would be my new team.

He doesn’t. Our dc don’t sleep as babies and I get hg in pregnancies so my dh is on deck parenting. He goes for a run once or twice a week, often to get to or from work so it doesn’t get in the way of family. He plays guitar and sings at church, but he takes our dc most weeks. Hard work taking them but he works hard to be able to do his thing and share parenting. My next discussion with your dh would be agreeing a separation schedule. I’d give him total responsibility every other weekend and one evening a week , zero input from you and he needs a babysitter to do any hobbies and vice versa, and if your life is instantly better then consider making it permanent.

I divorced my ex for similar reasons. He started spending much more time with the DC after we separated and I had time for hobbies every other weekend. If you don’t want to leave, nothing will change because he’s always going to be too selfish to cut down on his hobbies.

Why have more than one with him if you don't like how he parents?

I don't expect DH to stay home unless they are really ill, either one of us should be able to cope with a sick child.

Ours are pretty equal, we don't keep track. Neither of us are the default parent though, we work similar hours and share the household tasks.

Not sure the the notice thing, if you clash then I get it but if Home anyway it wouldn't bother me or DH.

My ex was like this. He spends much more time with the DC now that we are divorced. And I think that came as a shock to the system at first! He wasn’t used to looking after them alone, dealing with their sickness at night etc. So he quickly found a girlfriend to share the load - she now helps him out so he can have his trips away etc.

Even though I have them 70% of the time, he still believes that he is exhausted - oh, and of course, he cannot “help” me by having them any extra - if I am ill for example - as he needs time to himself he “works hard” and needs downtime and to fit his hobbies and trips away in.

I now have every other weekend free though, so much more time to rest if I need it.

It is exhausting being with someone who isn’t on your team - in fact, someone who seems to see you as an adversary. I am not sure how or if men like that change. I know with my ex, that sense of entitlement went right to his core.

First of all, why do you cancel your stuff when the dcs are ill?
Just go to whatever you have decided to do and leave your DH with them. He is t their father and surely is able to look after them??

Atm he is acting as if looking after the dcs and looking after the house is your responsibility and never his. In some ways you are confirming that by staying at home when they are ill for example.
Unfortunately there is no two ways about it. You need to assert (in an assertive way lol) that parenting and hw is your responsibility, to BOTH of you.
I suspect that him suddenly having a hobby to do when the dcs are ill or you come back of hols is basically a tactic to avoid doing the hard work he doesn’t want to do too so maybe also time to call him up on that and say NO.

Whether this will work or not depends on him.
If the issue is you not holding your boundaries clearly enough and not letting him walk all over them, then you have a chance of turning things around.
If the issue is that he is a twat and will never accept any responsibility, then things won’t change and you will grow resentful.

My own H, with all his defects, actually has reacted well to me holding onto my boundaries and asserting my limits. It took time but it worked (should have done it years before though). And pointing out he wouod have to do X or Y if we were separated has put a lot of things into perspective too (for him and me). Your DH might surprised you there.

This may be outing but fuck it.

Ex was/is into am-dram and also in a choral society.
He started the hobby after our second child was born. 7-8 hours a week, from October to May each year.

I remember crying and begging him to cut back. I was working 20 hours per week (our kids were a few years apart and at different stages) he worked 37 in a sales job.

His response was that he was doing nothing to stop me getting a hobby; that I could have lots of time off too, if I really wanted it. However at the time I wanted to study a professional qualification and it clashed with his rehearsals.

Incidentally his hobby was from 7-9.30 two nights per week, plus Sunday afternoons.

This continued for a few years, even through my nervous breakdown. He was and is a selfish prick. He thrives on the adulation & attention. I was just the miserable wife who got in his way.

We're divorcing. He's finally stepping up to be a vaguely present father. I however, have paid a terrible price. My self esteem in tatters, career development stalled etc.

Op be careful you don't end up like me.

He's being selfish. If you believe that he will always think you're unreasonable then you have your answer about whether to continue with the relationship

Hi OP.

Just thought I would chip in with a male point of view!

Our DD is 2 and a half and the whole issue of time away from the house got discussed by us particularly as by her own admission I am a lot more sociable than my DW. We have agreed that I can have one pass per month where I am allowed to go and see friends whether that's an evening, a day or a very occasional night away. In fact I am away this weekend but that's been in the calendars since October last year.

I go to the gym a couple of times a week, but I do that on nights that DW is doing bedtime as we take it in turns.

If I want to do something else over and above then I skip the gym one night to do it.

I think you definitely need to have a chat and explain that planning is the key to making it work, last minute arrangements are just less doable once you have kids.

And of course if DD is ever poorly then plans go out the window!

You need to make sure you make some time for yourself, we are all still people not just parents. And your OH should realise that if he has a night out/afternoon out that should mean you can have one the following day! Fairs fair!

Since we have covered the selfish prick feedback already I can add that he is making a choice in what to do with his time because he is allowed to that. Primarily because he doesn’t take or have responsibilities at home. These need to be defined for him and if he wants to do his hobby then he must work around them or negotiate with you. These responsibilities need to be defined and agreed constantly. Not assumed.

A simple example is the shopping and laundry. Which of you is responsible for making sure there is food in the house? I assume that is you and his designated role is to accompany you. Change this and tell him he needs to plan shops, not just do them. Then he can juggle the how to make sure there is food when you get back and how he does the hobby. This is doable for an averagely competent adult. As long as you don’t cave and take over when he gets it wrong.

The issue of children being unwell is more complex and difficult to agree. But it is something you need to do. He needs to understand and accept the responsibilities he has at this time. If you both agree, the kids need checking at night then he can do this. He will need to give you breaks and be there for moral support.

But you may need to think about the extent to which you need support and his unwillingness to provide it. This is quite fundamental and you won’t get magic bullet tips here. You are both not on the same page on parenting.

The way these things work is that if the father says I want to go see Man City plan on Saturday, you reply that’s nice, which baby sitter are you using.

Unfortunately my XH and l separated over his hobbies of cycling and running.

He'd go every evening and every weekend, plus away for competitions. In fairness he would help get the boy's to bed and then go but it meant l spent every evening alone.

We did still do family things.... if they fitted in with his training. Also if we did go out he'd be badgering to get home.... to go out running.

He left me for his running partner.

Although having the children EOW and half of all school holidays did curtail his activities for a bit....

When he left he told me l was boring and didn't do anything...... that's because someone had to be at home with the children .

I think the fact you have spoken previously about the situation and he just continues with what he wants shows that his love and respect for you has gone..... and once that goes there isn't really much chance in your relationship succeeding.

My XH lost respect for me years ago and would speak to me with utter dustain, so if l did dare bring up that l was unhappy ... because he already had no respect, love or even like for me anymore in his view l was being difficult, unreasonable and unsupportive.

Never forget the look of horror on his face when he realised he'd have the kids EOW all by himself. Nor will l forget how nasty he turned when he questioned me about what I'd be doing on my weekend "off" and if I'd just be sat on the sofa "doing nothing" while he "runs around " after the kids..... i.e he didn't like the fact that l was having MY time as it impacted on his enjoyment

If you have an agreement in place I.e. “maximum two evenings a week”, and he goes for a third evening then you need to impose consequences. At the moment he thinks he can get away with it and you won’t do anything but maybe moan and nag him, and he will just gaslight you in response to this. So I would say your options are in response to this:

1. Leave before him/don’t come home so he can’t go out on the third evening
2. Lock him out so he can’t come back on the third evening.