How does your husband manage hobbies with young DCs?

[Tinatrainer]

DH thinks I'm mean when it comes down to giving my blessing for him to go off and enjoy hobbies.

I want him to have breaks and enjoy himself but feel it's always at short notice when I don't have time to make alternate plans or he will go when they are poorly and leave me in the trenches.

I have hobbies but pursue them much less regularly than DH and would never leave him alone with poorly DCs. His hobbies range from evening pursuits, to 12 hours a day, to one or two weekends away each year. He doesn't do an awful lot but I often find the timing is bad, particularly when I'm left caring for the DCs over my birthday weekend or when I'm exhausted after having hardly any sleep for a few days because the baby is teething etc. He tends to give a few days notice when he's out for a full day at the weekend and I can feel under prepared or stressed that I can't do the jobs I'd planned through assuming that he would be home with the DCs too. We argue a lot about his failure to communicate and plan better for this.

Some weeks, he will do maybe one evening hobby, compared with others when it's 3 evenings and a weekend day when the kids are ill. Those weeks can put me on my knees if there's no hope of an early night and DC2 is teething etc. I find myself cancelling my weekly class a lot because I'm too exhausted after caring for the DCs during busy weeks. I also BF so not like DH can help much at night and DH has a demanding job which keeps him busy on evenings too.

Last week, having returned from our holiday one afternoon, he had planned to spend almost a full day doing his hobby the following day when there was food shopping and washing to do. All this is difficult with very young DCs and I also wanted a break myself. I told him I was not prepared to be left alone with the children and he said that I am mean and that he is fed up of me spoiling his enjoyment of his hobbies by complaining each time he does them (I understand this).

How to other husbands manage their hobbies and how much do others do?

I am trying to equal his down time, but find it difficult to achieve when there are jobs to catch up on because I've had to entertain the DCs, or when DH and I haven't spent time together because he's been busy with work and hobbies for a 2 week period etc.

My DH has two main hobbies, one musical (evenings) and running. Whilst we have very young children, the music hobby has been stopped (his choice but welcomed!). He runs to and from work, we do parkrun together as a family (either I watch/he runs, he watches/I run or one of us runs it with a buggy and one without), and we go and watch him in bigger races (he's national standard so we can make a weekend of it). He likes to do a track session one evening a week but if he has to work late on an evening in the week he'll skip it so I don't have to do bath and bed by myself more than once (it's not fun!)
My hobby is horseriding and I've got a weekly slot booked into our shared family calendar on a Sunday morning. When that clashed with a marathon a few weeks ago he asked if I'd mind moving my slot so he could run. I can ride my loan horse seven days a week but it's simply not practical with a toddler and a baby. I do spend a fair bit of time plotting how to get out riding in the week though!

I gave up my hobby (cricket) when the DC were born. When they started senior school I started playing it again. When you have kids they come first and hobbies take a back seat for a while.

My Dh doesn’t really have any hobbies 🙈 he likes to cycle but will take one of the Dc With him usually or we go for a leisurely bike ride as a family. He like DIY but will always involve DC if they like too (and if it’s not a dangerous diy project)

I have been where you are @OP so You have my sympathies. I breastfed all of our 4 children, so did all of the night feeds and nappy changes over a decade long stretch. DH for the most part did nothing but occasionally watched the small children whilst I attempted to catch up on some sleep. He also has quite an obsessive/ addictive personality and when something/ a hobby sparks his interest he gets obsessed with it and it’s all consuming. Over the years it’s been, a range of computer games/gaming online, cycling, running, weightlifting and diets. I have come to realise that this is his personality. He’s an all or nothing type person but...we have had some very stern discussions and I have nearly thrown in the towel a few times. His road to changing his behavior happened only the last couple of years. He now has a gym on the roof which he uses daily and goes for short runs. This is much more manageable. He’s still obsessive over it but not to the degree that it’s taking him away from his family several times a year and he’s paying for nutritional consultants etc. Our children are also, no longer small! Tell him he needs to compromise for the sake of your marriage and children. It’s not fair for you to bear the mental and physical load of child rearing on a daily basis! You are not being unreasonable at all!

Urgh, he sounds selfish. My partner has just spent the day playing golf and now out watching football, but it was agreed ahead of time and it's not every week. This wouldn't have happened when our child was much younger (DC is KS1 age).

Your partner needs to book it into a family calendar and not take the p*ss by doing it all the time. Saying you're mean - he sounds like my DC

I couldn't be with a man who had a 'hobby'. It's not very mature.

Just re-read your OP. Young children in nursery and early school years do get ill a lot. He is being very unreasonable. He needs to be flexible and maybe read some literature about the developing immune system.

It’s fine to have hobbies but both DH and myself put hobbies on the back burner for the first few years. I don’t see why having hobbies is immature, it’s fine to have interests as long as it doesn’t impinge on being a responsible adult, which in this case it does.

As pointed out by so many here... I too wish he could see that it's not forever. That hobbies can be picked up again properly later on and to be grateful for the odd evenings/weekends that he gets for now.

Not sure if most of his friends are wankers but he compares himself to others in his friendship group who do more than him. He often says that the issue is my mother as she isn't available to help me out like his friends mother in laws apparently do when DHs are busy having fun.

He doesn't quite see that I'd also like to have some fun and if only he made as much effort to do so with me as opposed to his friends. I've explained it feels like he's pulling against me and not working with me but he looks at me all perplexed!

even more now he's saying the problem is your mother.

That's almost comic. Most people don't get much help from family, the ones that do are the lucky ones.

Fucking hell OP. Why are married to this selfish Twot?

Although, how old are you? Dh? Dc?
Do you work?
Why are they so ill?
Why are you on your knees so much.
That's not normal.

Why are you cancelling a gym class? Stop that. For starters.

OP stop discussing it. It will get you nowhere as he has now shown you multiple times. Time to take action.

Wow. Just wow.
When you have small kids neither parent has much time for hobbies. Hell having a wee in peace or showering and washing your hair is counted as luxurious me time.
Both of you should share the available time off from parent duties. WTF that he thinks the issue is that your mother isn’t available to step in for him. What an arse. He does realise fathers are parents too right?

In the same position as your DH, in terms of limited family help. Hobbies cancelled until baby was 4 months, now just short activities (gym, running) but no full day golfing or day trips. Certainly not at short notice, and try to make sure DW gets the same opportunities to go out and do her stuff.

It's only a couple of years - not the end of the world.

It might be difficult seeing all of his friends with family networks meaning they can swan off whenever, but presumably you feel the same.

Blaming you for not making up for the lack of a family network doesn't make sense.

No one should feel they are being ‘allowed’ to do anything. You aren’t children but parents, and both share the responsibility, and need some give and take.

He needs to understand that he still must contribute. The danger is the precedent will be set now and he’ll be off the hook forever. You’ll cope with it all because you have to. Resentment will brew and that’s the beginning of the end.

I think doing what you can to make your life easier would be a start. Online shopping etc. Maybe carve out some time once a week as your time and stick to it.

Getting a balance now is important, so you don’t end up parenting him as well.

So selfish. Makes me so cross!

Pre DD, DH was quite into cycling. Would go for a ride early morning usually every Saturday, sometimes a whole day out on a long cycle.

He has essentially given this up since DD, just doing the odd ride here and there. It was tough as I work some weekends, so obviously he has to be there for DD, and the weekends I’m not working we want to spend together. He will often ride to the park / pub with DD on the back (and I will drive!)

I haven’t asked him to give up regular long cycling, he just sort of did because that’s what needed to happen (equally, I’ve had to give up playing the piano for any serious length of undisturbed practice!)

OP I feel your pain. When my DS was 5 weeks, DH was due to go on a golf day. My older DC (3) woke up and was vomiting through the night.i had pnd and was worried i wouldnt cope with both of them. I begged him not to go, but he said if he didnt go he would go to work anyway. As it happened the golf day was cancelled and he was in a mood but begrudgingly stayed at home.