My mother now hates me.

[GDJJ]

This is a long one but PLEASE help.

My mother and I have always been best friends but we do have our arguments. I still live with her for financial stability until I can afford to relocate (which I am trying to start saving for). However, my father has passed away two months ago and I have to pay for his funeral first.

I have never gotten along with my grand mother and this year she had two strokes but is still compus mentus but needs assistance with changing etc but other than that she is her old, horrible self. To everyone she's lovely but to me she's always held hatred for and my mother herself has acknowledge that and even told me that when I was younger. So I decided a few months before she had a stroke that I would no longer have a relationship with my gran and now (post-stroke) my mother's focus is on caring for her along with my mother's sister and two brothers, she now demands I help and though I have pitched in, I seriously do not like my mother's side of the family for many valid reasons - mainly for the way they have treated my mother all these years.

This has caused a major argument now between my mother and I. When she talks to me she talks with such resentment and hostility that I asked her kindly not to talk to me so badly and now she does not speak to me at all (if she does, it's because she needs help with something and then it's one word answers). She always uses the silent treatment tactic when we argue and I'm always the first one to go running back. I know I'm not perfect and I can treat her badly sometimes and be a little unhelpful with her side of the family so I'll admit but she always talks to me so sternly and unlovingly these days. This time she hasn't spoken to me for a week bar one or two forced words. She went shopping with my brother (very strange, he never does anything for her) and she bought food for herself. I tried not to think too much about it so today I went and bought her an easter egg - a cream egg one with a mug because I thought she liked cream eggs as she's definitely eaten them before so when I came home, I asked her if we could please just drop it (running back again) and let it go and she said yes (but obviously still annoyed and holds contempt against me). I presented her with the egg and ten minutes later she comes into my room and says "You know I don't like cream eggs and I hate mugs, you bought me the first piece of shit you saw in the shop and walked out did you? here's your easter egg and you can have the one you bought me back. I'd rather have had nothing than have that piece of shit'. Now this completely and utterly startled me and took me aback. She's never done this. This truly hurt my feelings. I didn't think it honestly really mattered what easter egg I bought, I thought it was the thought that counts but clearly not. I went to her room and asked her how she could be so mean and why she hates me and she said for me to shut up and get out. I said I thought we had let the arguments and hostility go and she said "we have." and that was that. I over heard her talking on the phone to her sister yesterday saying I need psychiatric help and that I don't want my mother to have any visitors - this is NOT what I said to my mother. When we were talking, I said I wanted to buy my own house and she could come and live with me and she said she did not want to do that because I might kick her out (which I would NEVER EVER do so I don't know why she thinks this). I also said in anger once that I would rather live on my own so that I don't have her family coming to the house and she has taken that as I don't want HER having visitors - I personally myself don't want HER visitors coming not her having visitors themselves blimey. So now my auntie think's I'm nuts but my mother has just put her own evil spin on things. I was driving home earlier and I thought to myself (please don't judge) 'Wow, maybe I can be more independent now and live my own life' now that I won't be asked to help her side of the family out. I also did some internet research on emotional independence and realise I have been emotionally tied to my mother all these years. Don't get me wrong, she has a wonderful heart but to me now, she's stone cold and I know this time, there's no going back.

Can anyone give me some advice? I've done some research and I believe she may be narcissistic in personality. She gets seriously defensive, I can't talk maturely with her and broach sensitive subjects in an adult like manner with her, she just tells me to shut up and that I need a 'serious help'. I can't take it anymore. Whenever my mother and I argued I always went to my father and he was always understanding and knew exactly what she was like and now I don't have that anymore. He knew how she was. I miss him terribly.

I love my mother but I cannot confide in her, talk to her about personal things, ask for her advice, tell her about anything anymore. I always asked for her advice even with the smallest of decisions and this has led to me being incapable of making the simplest of decisions in basic life. It saddens me we have come to this and it is almost like I have lost her too and in a way, I have. I have lost both parents, one physically and emotionally and one emotionally.

Can anyone give me advice? I can't move out yet and I can deal with the silent treatment tactic I'm ever so used to but what I do not have is emotional independence. I'm scared to make my own decisions as I have always asked my mother for advice, I feel guilty when I buy myself new clothes as I feel I should be putting my money on things for her, I feel emotionally dependent. Maybe I do need help.

Why can't you move out?

How old are you? I think you really need to move out as soon as possible. This sounds incredibly emotionally unhealthy. Just rent a room in a shared house nearby or something... look at spare room.com... just get some distance between you and her it will benefit you both.

Got halfway through that. Move out.

Oh for goodness sake - of course you can move out and the sooner the better!

Get out.
She’s evil and abusive.
I bet you’ve towed the line all yor lie and now you’ve put your foot down she sees it as rebellion.

Sorry my typos are horrendous .

This is not your fault. Clearly your mother and grandmother have problems. They sound aggressive and unpredictable, and use you as a convenient punchbag for their own instability and bitterness. Sadly this has meant you have had far less of a solid, secure foundation from them than you deserve. It isn't as easy to "just move out" as people might think. This is the family you have known, and what is ordinary for others may seem incomprehensible for you to navigate. The "real world" can seem frightening even though "Home is worse in so many ways. There may be an underlying feeling that if you just try a little longer, your mother will finally "get it" and start being nice to you. Sadly I think this is very unlikely and while that's very hard to accept, it may be the key for you to break away and move on. You have your life to lead. I would highly recommend you seek some therapy, to help you untangle all this and find the strength to move on with your own life. Your GP could advise (do not tell your mother). You can move forward, but I think it would be best to first ensure you have the right support behind you.

over heard her talking on the phone to her sister yesterday saying I need psychiatric help and that I don't want my mother to have any visitors - this is NOT what I said to my mother.

She is is projecting her own psychological issues onto you, instead of recognising them as her own. She's also apparently determined to twist things so she can believe you're the "bad guy" and send blame your way instead of dealing with her own problems. She is either oblivious to how this makes you feel, or doesn't care enough. She will be gaslighting you. Any time you ask her to address her own behaviour, she will deny she has put a foot wrong and be "insulted" and angry that you've made these "false" accusations. More proof, in her mind, that you are crazy and unworthy, so she can attack you once more.

Oh just get out. It sounds as though you're a grown woman and much too old to be living with your DM!

Your mother and the grandmother are not so dissimilar.

How old are you? Why are you paying for your father's funeral - what other options do you think there should be for that?

You are terribly enmeshed with your whole family - you need to forget about the issue with the grandmother, the aunt, the brother, the mother.

You need space from your family to stand independently. When you get that space you will see change - you have poor boundaries. Move out, even if you have to compromise and live perhaps less comfortably.

It doesn't sound very much like you need her in your life. I'd cut contact completely and be much happier

Reading this is an echo of my mother. She kicked me out on and off from 13 and when I finally stood ground at 17 she tried to make lies up about me to anyone that listened!! Fast forward some years and even now, she’ll try the silent treatment, the grunting or the ‘you don’t care’ speeches. She follows on with calling her friends or anyone who listens with a disjointed version of events. Our GP and all around us know my mum has bipolar. As she’s able by some miracle able to hold down at high paid job, she nasty side only shows to those she has fighting her corner.

I would save and move out. Whilst you can hear the lies being said, those on the other end of the line will learn the hard way it’s not true in time. You need to focus on you and your life. Not pleasing your mother and trying to prevent her version of events being disjointed to others. Xx

For goodness sake, leave and build your own life. She is horrible and doesn’t deserve to have you there.

And why are you paying for your father’s funeral. That should come out of the estate, ie it is down to your mother. She is financially abusing you.

Move out. You shouldn’t have had to pay for your father funeral. Even though she is grieving, she shouldn’t treat to like that. Seriously move.

Your father was the balance in your relationship and neither of you know how to deal with the other without him.
Why do you need to pay for his funeral?
Your mother sounds strange and you are totally enmeshed in some strange dynamic of being a child.
Can you move in with a relative while you get together a deposit to rent a room? Are your siblings or other relatives living lives that aren't dedicated to handling your mother?

I really don’t know why people live with their parents so long these days. When I was a young un we were actively encouraged to leave home when we got a job. My husband went to Canada for a trip when he was a youngster. He came home to find his parents had moved without telling him. When he located them he was told his bed had been sold. Lol. We were responsible for our selves.

Did you come from a controlling, abusive family who damaged your self-esteem, Orange?

Why are you paying for your fathers funeral?
And yes, leave.

Move out. I don't know what she was like before her husband died and her mother was ill but she's not a good person to be around now so you need to move out. I will say my mum is lovely. Not controlling or anything (well, she can be a bit of an over-organiser) but she went really weird for a couple of years after her mum died. Actually, she was horrendous. I'm sure she was depressed but she'd never admit it or say it or even think it.

All that said, I'd still move out. And definitely not have her move in. I'd also speak to your aunt alone if that's a relationship you value.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Also not sure why you're paying for your father's funeral.

Platypus, no on the contrary, we were totally uncontrolled and left to get on to our own devices. But that’s a really strange statement replying to what I have written. Maybe you need to stop being so bitter.

Thank you everyone so much for your replies. I know it is best to move out. I've just finished my degree and now qualified as a nurse so I've been a few years without substantial income. My mother and father were divorced but still considered themselves as a couple however the next of kin fell to me and my half-brother and his estate doesn't cover it whatsoever. The funeral director is not willing to wait for his life policy to pay out so before I can even consider saving for a rental deposit or a house deposit I have to pay for his funeral and his stone. It's all very stressful.

It's definitely not a healthy environment to be in, I feel as if I cannot leave home as my mother is not 100% healthy - she's severely partially sighted and my sister and brother are not close to her. I feel like I'm too emotionally dependent and I'm trying to breakaway.

Thank you again all, it's so refreshing to be able to talk to you all on here.

No your whole family needs to equally pay their fair share for the funeral and stone. Do not pay the whole bill you may never get it back Start as you mean to finish. Divide all payments and tasks equally and when any close family relatives refuse let funeral directors chase them

Well she's willing to let you pay for his funeral and be an adult there, isn't she? She sounds bloody awful. Just go. Save up and pay for the funeral later. He's dead and won't care. I know that sounds heartless, but you are alive and need to look after yourself.

You need your money to finance your own needs OP.

You say to have always been very close but had your fallouts.

I think distance, especially now, can only be good

She has a huge amount onher plate by the sounds of it what with supporting g her mother,and now her siblings.

Sounds like she's heading for some.sort of breakdown,and you need to look out for yourself if all she's going to do is attack you.

Yes, I agree,you need to leave. Have you tried speaking with women's aid? Or going on their website forum for advice and support?

Ask for help from your GP too.

Start helping out then ! Seriously is it fair for it all to be left to your mum just because you don't like her family?