My mother now hates me.

[GDJJ]

This is a long one but PLEASE help.

My mother and I have always been best friends but we do have our arguments. I still live with her for financial stability until I can afford to relocate (which I am trying to start saving for). However, my father has passed away two months ago and I have to pay for his funeral first.

I have never gotten along with my grand mother and this year she had two strokes but is still compus mentus but needs assistance with changing etc but other than that she is her old, horrible self. To everyone she's lovely but to me she's always held hatred for and my mother herself has acknowledge that and even told me that when I was younger. So I decided a few months before she had a stroke that I would no longer have a relationship with my gran and now (post-stroke) my mother's focus is on caring for her along with my mother's sister and two brothers, she now demands I help and though I have pitched in, I seriously do not like my mother's side of the family for many valid reasons - mainly for the way they have treated my mother all these years.

This has caused a major argument now between my mother and I. When she talks to me she talks with such resentment and hostility that I asked her kindly not to talk to me so badly and now she does not speak to me at all (if she does, it's because she needs help with something and then it's one word answers). She always uses the silent treatment tactic when we argue and I'm always the first one to go running back. I know I'm not perfect and I can treat her badly sometimes and be a little unhelpful with her side of the family so I'll admit but she always talks to me so sternly and unlovingly these days. This time she hasn't spoken to me for a week bar one or two forced words. She went shopping with my brother (very strange, he never does anything for her) and she bought food for herself. I tried not to think too much about it so today I went and bought her an easter egg - a cream egg one with a mug because I thought she liked cream eggs as she's definitely eaten them before so when I came home, I asked her if we could please just drop it (running back again) and let it go and she said yes (but obviously still annoyed and holds contempt against me). I presented her with the egg and ten minutes later she comes into my room and says "You know I don't like cream eggs and I hate mugs, you bought me the first piece of shit you saw in the shop and walked out did you? here's your easter egg and you can have the one you bought me back. I'd rather have had nothing than have that piece of shit'. Now this completely and utterly startled me and took me aback. She's never done this. This truly hurt my feelings. I didn't think it honestly really mattered what easter egg I bought, I thought it was the thought that counts but clearly not. I went to her room and asked her how she could be so mean and why she hates me and she said for me to shut up and get out. I said I thought we had let the arguments and hostility go and she said "we have." and that was that. I over heard her talking on the phone to her sister yesterday saying I need psychiatric help and that I don't want my mother to have any visitors - this is NOT what I said to my mother. When we were talking, I said I wanted to buy my own house and she could come and live with me and she said she did not want to do that because I might kick her out (which I would NEVER EVER do so I don't know why she thinks this). I also said in anger once that I would rather live on my own so that I don't have her family coming to the house and she has taken that as I don't want HER having visitors - I personally myself don't want HER visitors coming not her having visitors themselves blimey. So now my auntie think's I'm nuts but my mother has just put her own evil spin on things. I was driving home earlier and I thought to myself (please don't judge) 'Wow, maybe I can be more independent now and live my own life' now that I won't be asked to help her side of the family out. I also did some internet research on emotional independence and realise I have been emotionally tied to my mother all these years. Don't get me wrong, she has a wonderful heart but to me now, she's stone cold and I know this time, there's no going back.

Can anyone give me some advice? I've done some research and I believe she may be narcissistic in personality. She gets seriously defensive, I can't talk maturely with her and broach sensitive subjects in an adult like manner with her, she just tells me to shut up and that I need a 'serious help'. I can't take it anymore. Whenever my mother and I argued I always went to my father and he was always understanding and knew exactly what she was like and now I don't have that anymore. He knew how she was. I miss him terribly.

I love my mother but I cannot confide in her, talk to her about personal things, ask for her advice, tell her about anything anymore. I always asked for her advice even with the smallest of decisions and this has led to me being incapable of making the simplest of decisions in basic life. It saddens me we have come to this and it is almost like I have lost her too and in a way, I have. I have lost both parents, one physically and emotionally and one emotionally.

Can anyone give me advice? I can't move out yet and I can deal with the silent treatment tactic I'm ever so used to but what I do not have is emotional independence. I'm scared to make my own decisions as I have always asked my mother for advice, I feel guilty when I buy myself new clothes as I feel I should be putting my money on things for her, I feel emotionally dependent. Maybe I do need help.

Sweetheart you sound broken

The sooner you move out the better, but to ease your conscience do your best to pay for your fathers funeral & just start saving up to move out after that if you feel torn to do the right thing & deal with that first.

You sound like a caring person who cares about their family x sometimes those closest to you can hurt you the most & your mom sounds very difficult.

I don't blame you for not wanting to help out her side of the family that have been cruel to you. I don't think your mum hates you, she may just be old & fed up & whiney ( even more so due to the loss of your dad)

Sending hugs & hope you get it all sorted out soon x

P.S well done on getting your degree & qualifying : ) it can't have been easy whilst you were under all this stress

You don't need to pay for a stone now. That can wait - many families wait until they're financially or emotionally ready for that step in the process. Wait until everyone can contribute - even a little. I wish you luck. It sounds like a terrible place to be right now.

When the life insurance pays out will that cover the funeral costs? If so do you know when that will be?

Move out. Get a bedsit or houseshare, and save from there for something better.

You can still help her with things if you want, but you having your own space will be good for you both.

Now that you have your degree, think about jobs which include accomodation as part of the package. I did that when I first became qualified and it was great. Just an idea since you seem to be trapped at the moment, and really you do have options. Once you are away from this family mess you'll be able to start healing yourself. Good luck.

For 2 adults to live together requires a high degree of cooperation and good relations. Even within a house share where there is no emotional attachment.

In this case you are emotionally attached and it is not as best friends. It is mother and daughter. A family link which is fundamentally the problem you have. You clearly have issues with your mothers family and by implication with her because she will be a function of them in one way or another. She knows this and she is angry about it. If one of her values is to help family and you are refusing to do this and have stated you wouldn’t socialise with any of them, she is not going to like this. Whether that comes from a place of hurt and rejection or anger and possessiveness I don’t know. But just as you have issues about the subject so does she, deep ones she is not expressing constructively. She is doing it destructively.

If her family is disfunctional as you say then she will have never learnt to be emotionally mature in her relationships, hence the best friend approach.

The obvious thing to do now is to move out. If there is money due for a life insurance policy then use this. Alternatively ditch the car, move close to work and get a bike if you need it. But fix the plan to one that is affordable in the immediate future. If you don’t you are prevaricating because you want to stay. In other words you need to forget about saving for a deposit because you need to leave now.

Try to also own your actions. You either put thought into the egg or not. If you just bought any one because you didn’t think it mattered own it. Because if I got my mother an egg I would know what type to buy based on something other than I have seen her eat one. Not that I condone her response. However it sounds like she bought you one but maybe it was actually thoughtful which is why she got angry.

I think you also need to think of what your mother is going through at the moment. Her mother had a serious nearly fatal health issue. She is now invalid and may not get better, indeed she will get worse. She may need to go into a home. It is very stressful and it is hard work. This is exasperating the issue of family which is toxic in your relationship with her.

What do you want to do now? You can’t keep living like this. So unless you move out next week, you need to sort out this argument. Which is about more than a cream egg. It is about you refusing to help her look after her mother, which is causing her stress and distress. If you stay you need to address this with more than an egg she doesn’t like. How can you do that?

Your under the FOG. Fear, obligation, guilt.

Don't pay for the stone. That can wait.
Don't move out just to have your mother move in. Your mother is an adult and it's not expected you need to look after her. Go and build your own life! Asap!

Agree with everyone else - you don't need t pay for the funeral, it should be an estate cost, or spread between the whole family (even if that is just you and half brother). And you don't need a headstone yet - in fact if DF is being buried I don't think you can put a Headstone on the grave for about a year? (To let the land settle?) Def refuse the responsibility - it is not yours and yours alone. And there are usually payment-plans available to spread the cost.

And regarding your mother - she is not 'lovely' and you were probably only 'close' because you were doing what she wanted ie helping with other relatives and generally being no-impact on her life. She has shown her true colours now, and is trying to get you to do more; again - it's NOT your responsibility; if you are LC or NC with your gran, that is because of the way she treated you and just because she is 'Faaamily' doesn't mean you have to do anything to help her now!

AvengersAssemble - piss off back to AIBU! OP does NOT have to help out if she doesn't want to! If family members have behaved abusively to OP, why in hell should she put herself out?

it is NOT your sole responsibilty in dealing with funeral costs. Your mother is next of kin. its her problem. okay its nice if family can chip in. But she is being a bitch.

get out.

plus its usual not to have any headstone till the land has settled and funeral directors are used to waiting for their money. did mother say about the funeral directors wanting money or the directors actually themselves to you? as next of kin theyd be dealing/ communicating with her wouldnt they?????

Your mother is being helpless when it serves her purpose. If she and your dad considered themselves a couple even though they were divorced, she should be helping with funeral costs. If you do have to pay for the funeral, don't pay for the stone now - that can be arranged later, when everyone (including your mother) can contribute.

Please find a job far away enough to leave home and don't invite her to live with you. It wouldn't be healthy for either of you.

Could she be resentful because you are at her home and she is still having to support you?

I would move 200 miles away and live in a bedsit rather than put up with any more of that sort of thing from my relatives.

From your post, OP, I'm guessing you can't possibly be more than 19 or 20.

If you're any older than that you are seriously enmeshed with your mother and behaving like an obedient child to please her then feeling guilty because you have your own thoughts and wishes.

It's definitely time to move out, make some friends your own age and break free from her emotionally. That's not being disloyal to her (although that's what she will tell you) - that's you standing up for yourself.

I'm not going to comment on all of it, but just to say that - in view of the fact that this coldness from your mum is a new thing - please do not underestimate the stress and burden that she is struggling with.

She is partially sighted herself but is also providing care for her elderly mother, and has very recently lost her life partner.

In the middle of this crisis she has asked you to help with your grandmother and you have refused. You may have genuine and reasonable reasons, but to your mum might this look like she has supported you through your studies but you are now refusing to help her?

It is obvious that you didn't put any thought into the egg but her reaction was still wrong. Overreactions to trivial things are a sign of great stress. I would suggest that was 'the straw that broke the camels back' that day for her.

If she was on here would she be able to list any things she does for you? Perhaps she finds you ungrateful?

Either way the advice of pp is spot on : move out. Other people manage it, so can you.

Remember that if you have to pay for the funeral upfront all by yourself, and the insurance money comes along later, you should repay yourself for the cost of the funeral. This normally comes out of the estate of the deceased.

If there is enough money, it would be normal for the estate to pay for the stone. There might be enough from the insurance money to do this.

Someone mentioned that it might be possible to get a job with accommodation. If you can, that might be ideal. Could your mother be sabotaging your efforts to move out by making you pay out for her husband's funeral?

Time to move out as soon as you can. Why not find a house share to start with? Also why are YOU paying for your fathers funeral, that's not your responsibility surely? I'd walk away and be done with all of them that's no way to live.

"I seriously do not like my mother's side of the family for many valid reasons - mainly for the way they have treated my mother all these years."

"I also said in anger once that I would rather live on my own so that I don't have her family coming to the house."

I really think it is for your mum to decide whether the way they treat her is acceptable or not, and to see who she wants in her own home.

Living apart would take all of the tension out of this situation. You say she has a good heart, so the issue here is two adults living on top of each other when the time has come for them to live apart.

"I know I'm not perfect and I can treat her badly sometimes and be a little unhelpful with her side of the family."

You treat her badly sometimes, she treats you badly sometimes. Fundamentally you are two loving people who are struggling with grief and loss. Caring for an elderly relative is tough. Losing a husband/father is tough. Move out before this is irreparable.

"Also why are YOU paying for your fathers funeral, that's not your responsibility surely?"

As next of kin, this would fall to op, who presumably is also the benefactor of his life insurance.

Why are you paying for the funeral?

That must be the responsibility of your mum.

People are right - you need to live apart.

Your mother needs a home where she can invite her family and friends, and where she can avoid people she doesn't want to see.

You need a home where you can invite family and friends, and can avoid people that you don't want to see.

In this case, the two are incompatible. Your mother sees this clearly, and is directing her anger about this at you.

She may have been treated badly by her family and she may be suffering because of the unrealistic expectations of what she should do for them now. She is unreasonable to allow you to be treated in the same way and to expect you to take up care responsibilities just as you are just starting on a worthwhile career. She is probably angry about this too because it leaves the burden on her. You shouldn't sacrifice yourself to this, just to lessen her burden. She needs to balance her needs against what others want her to do herself.

Just for clarity. The OPs mother was not married to the OPs father and they did not have a relationship when he died. The OP and her brother are next of kin. They presumably arranged the funeral and will have received the bill.

Thank you all so much. It’s honestly means so much to read your messages and know I’m not alone with this. This situation I’m in is so sticky. My dad unfortunately had a bit of debt and co owned the house with my mother. He took out a life insurance policy two years ago but I have been told by the solicitors that if myself and my half brother haven’t been specifically name on the policy then it will go towards his debts and we would lose it all. Myself and my half brother (of whom is hard to contact at times) are next of kin as my mother and father are divorced. So it’s fallen on us to pay and the funeral director has even told me to go to a loan company because she is not prepared to wait for the policy. It has stressed me out so much. I told her no way am I going to a loan company. So besides that, we might lose the house anyway. I did think my mother might help contribute towards the funeral but she hasn’t got much money herself.

I am 25 and as you all have said I am very very enmeshed in this twisted relationship but trying so hard to break free. I’m getting there, learning to try and not feel so guilty about the smallest of things. I can’t even buy myself a Mac Donald’s without feeling guilty I haven’t bought one for my mother. I don’t even have that many friends. I have two close ones and one of them lives away now.

The funeral bill was sent to the solicitor so I have not seen it personally but when the funeral director called me to demand payment she said she’s going to be adding interest but I haven’t even seen the bill for myself. The solicitor was supposed to be sorting this out :(

If the insurance doesn't cover the debt, then the solicitor could be looking to sell the house to meet the bill.

That is another reason why your mother may be on edge. If so, I don't understand why she is giving you the cold treatment- she should be grateful that you might pay the funeral bill and save her house.

When I had a funeral to pay for, j told the funeral directors they'd just have to wait. I didn't have a spare £2500 just at the moment. What were they going to do? Sue me? Not good for business! I ended up paying £100 a month. Couldn't you do that until the insurance money becomes available then pay off the balance?