My mother now hates me.

[GDJJ]

This is a long one but PLEASE help.

My mother and I have always been best friends but we do have our arguments. I still live with her for financial stability until I can afford to relocate (which I am trying to start saving for). However, my father has passed away two months ago and I have to pay for his funeral first.

I have never gotten along with my grand mother and this year she had two strokes but is still compus mentus but needs assistance with changing etc but other than that she is her old, horrible self. To everyone she's lovely but to me she's always held hatred for and my mother herself has acknowledge that and even told me that when I was younger. So I decided a few months before she had a stroke that I would no longer have a relationship with my gran and now (post-stroke) my mother's focus is on caring for her along with my mother's sister and two brothers, she now demands I help and though I have pitched in, I seriously do not like my mother's side of the family for many valid reasons - mainly for the way they have treated my mother all these years.

This has caused a major argument now between my mother and I. When she talks to me she talks with such resentment and hostility that I asked her kindly not to talk to me so badly and now she does not speak to me at all (if she does, it's because she needs help with something and then it's one word answers). She always uses the silent treatment tactic when we argue and I'm always the first one to go running back. I know I'm not perfect and I can treat her badly sometimes and be a little unhelpful with her side of the family so I'll admit but she always talks to me so sternly and unlovingly these days. This time she hasn't spoken to me for a week bar one or two forced words. She went shopping with my brother (very strange, he never does anything for her) and she bought food for herself. I tried not to think too much about it so today I went and bought her an easter egg - a cream egg one with a mug because I thought she liked cream eggs as she's definitely eaten them before so when I came home, I asked her if we could please just drop it (running back again) and let it go and she said yes (but obviously still annoyed and holds contempt against me). I presented her with the egg and ten minutes later she comes into my room and says "You know I don't like cream eggs and I hate mugs, you bought me the first piece of shit you saw in the shop and walked out did you? here's your easter egg and you can have the one you bought me back. I'd rather have had nothing than have that piece of shit'. Now this completely and utterly startled me and took me aback. She's never done this. This truly hurt my feelings. I didn't think it honestly really mattered what easter egg I bought, I thought it was the thought that counts but clearly not. I went to her room and asked her how she could be so mean and why she hates me and she said for me to shut up and get out. I said I thought we had let the arguments and hostility go and she said "we have." and that was that. I over heard her talking on the phone to her sister yesterday saying I need psychiatric help and that I don't want my mother to have any visitors - this is NOT what I said to my mother. When we were talking, I said I wanted to buy my own house and she could come and live with me and she said she did not want to do that because I might kick her out (which I would NEVER EVER do so I don't know why she thinks this). I also said in anger once that I would rather live on my own so that I don't have her family coming to the house and she has taken that as I don't want HER having visitors - I personally myself don't want HER visitors coming not her having visitors themselves blimey. So now my auntie think's I'm nuts but my mother has just put her own evil spin on things. I was driving home earlier and I thought to myself (please don't judge) 'Wow, maybe I can be more independent now and live my own life' now that I won't be asked to help her side of the family out. I also did some internet research on emotional independence and realise I have been emotionally tied to my mother all these years. Don't get me wrong, she has a wonderful heart but to me now, she's stone cold and I know this time, there's no going back.

Can anyone give me some advice? I've done some research and I believe she may be narcissistic in personality. She gets seriously defensive, I can't talk maturely with her and broach sensitive subjects in an adult like manner with her, she just tells me to shut up and that I need a 'serious help'. I can't take it anymore. Whenever my mother and I argued I always went to my father and he was always understanding and knew exactly what she was like and now I don't have that anymore. He knew how she was. I miss him terribly.

I love my mother but I cannot confide in her, talk to her about personal things, ask for her advice, tell her about anything anymore. I always asked for her advice even with the smallest of decisions and this has led to me being incapable of making the simplest of decisions in basic life. It saddens me we have come to this and it is almost like I have lost her too and in a way, I have. I have lost both parents, one physically and emotionally and one emotionally.

Can anyone give me advice? I can't move out yet and I can deal with the silent treatment tactic I'm ever so used to but what I do not have is emotional independence. I'm scared to make my own decisions as I have always asked my mother for advice, I feel guilty when I buy myself new clothes as I feel I should be putting my money on things for her, I feel emotionally dependent. Maybe I do need help.

"Just for clarity. The OPs mother was not married to the OPs father and they did not have a relationship when he died."

OP said they were divorced but still considered themselves a couple.

The funeral bill was sent to the solicitor so I have not seen it personally but when the funeral director called me to demand payment she said she’s going to be adding interest but I haven’t even seen the bill for myself. The solicitor was supposed to be sorting this out

OP, you need to tell the funeral director to speak to the solicitor and not to you. The solicitor is clearly acting as Executor and it is is up to the Executor to find the money from the estate. Your father owned half a house and had a life policy so the estate can cover the funeral cost. I am pretty sure that the life policy has a legal duty to pay the funeral costs first and foremost when they fall due before any other debt. Leave it to the Executor to sort out.

Look, have you any experience in living alone, in paying your own bills or anything like that? Do you have anyone who can give you advice about practical things like this? I get the impression that your world has shrunk down to your mother and other relatives and all their dramas and somehow you cannot see that this is not the only world.

The funeral director is going to phone again Tuesday to tell me how much the funeral costs - she said "I've seen there's a stone on your fathers plot and all I could think of was I've paid for that plot". How horrible is that? (he was cremated by the way).

I will have to tell her to speak to the solicitor again. He hasn't enough funds in his estate but once the policy goes through it should pay the funeral then the solicitor hopefully. If not she will have to have it in instalments as I simply can't afford to pay half of my share up front (£1750).

I pay all my own bills etc and am good with money but no one to help me with the practical side :( My world has indeed shrunk down to my mother and family and their dramas indeed. I'm always asking random people for advice on the simplest and most difficult of things and can't help feeling like I should be able to make these decisions on my own.

Is there anyway you could get accommodation with your job? Then move out and pay back the funeral costs through the solicitor ?

I think you should speak with the solicitor. They should be dealing with the funeral director if the money is coming out of the estate. Do you know the approx value of the estate, debts and life policy? Are you now co-owner if the house with your mother?

I think you should move out into a flat share. Given distance, your relationship with your mother might improve.

I think you should consider the stress your mother is under. Recently bereaved. Her own mother very ill and needing care. You refusing (understandably) to help. You criticising her family who she seems to close with. For all her faults, she is definitely going through a difficult time.

If the solicitor has been appointed as executor, they should be dealing with this. I acted as executor for a relative, and I paid the funeral expenses and took it out of the estate. If this is the case, don't engage with anyone on debts including funeral costs. Refer them to the executor. Don't pay this yourself - it will be paid from his insurance payout. If you pay it, it may be very difficult for you to recover the money from the solicitor afterwards.

I've just done a search, and apparently the cost of the funeral is honoured before other debts. So, the solicitor will sort that out. The solicitor can argue with the funeral director about whether interest will be allowed.

It sounds as if the funeral director thinks it might be easier to get the money from you than deal with a solicitor. Don't let them bully you, people often need to wait for insurance payouts to cover costs like this. They are being very unkind, but I suppose they want their money.

Can u get a cheap house share somewhere op? I know your dream is to own your own but personally for my sanity thats what I would do.

If your mother co-owned the house with your father, she needs to engage with the solicitor about the house. Any debts he had might have an effect on her. You are not liable for his debts including funeral costs, even though you are stated as next of kin.

You've totally misunderstood, Orange. My point was that it's all very well congratulating yourself on not living with your parents for as long as the OP has, and instead you developed a healthy independence. Good for you.🏅 But if you haven't had the same difficulties as the OP, it isn't fair or appropriate to compare.

The funeral is the first debt on an estate so should be paid before any other debts. As a solicitor has been appointed to administer the estate I would direct the funeral director to them. I used to work with accounts of deceased persons and sometimes yes we received funeral bills from family which we paid from account of deceased and we equally received funeral Bill's from solicitors which we would have paid also from account of deceased. Not sure how she is demanding payment if she has not issued you with an actual bill yet. I would just pass the bill to the solicitor as that is what they are being paid to do ie administer the estate. She might not be so bolshy with them. Was there a will and if so who is the executor or executors. One other thing the life policy may not form part of the estate and be paid directly to you and your brother

BTW, OP, I am an old fart (47) whose crazy mother died a couple of years ago. I started studying nursing just this year. I take my hat off to you for finishing under these circumstances. You have shown incredible tenacity and intelligence already. Now you have to once again, put yourself ahead of the pack and show some emotional intelligence and stand up for yourself. Your father probably wouldn’t have wanted to put you into this emotionally messy position. Refer all conversations from the funeral director to the solicitor. That will put them off and de-stress you. Your mother is behaving like a bitch because she has put herself into an impossibly hard situation as well. Maybe she needs to get some council help. As a nurse, you can maybe write down a list of council numbers to get some assessment for this. That is about all you can do to help her and not damage yourself. Your mother’s attitude probably won’t change while she is playing matyr, being the only one who ever does anything for anyone and gets no help. She doesn’t have to be that person and she probably knows it.

Good luck justilou1 with your degree!! 😊 and thank you all for your help and advice.

The solicitor is doing a search for the Will but she says the policy people are not getting back to her. She doesn’t know if we have been named on the policy to receive it or if it will just go straight into the estate. In fact she’s very slow full stop at getting anything done. I’ll keep directing the funeral director to the solicitor as I don’t want to deal with her anymore as she is so rude about the situation, I’ll just let the solicitor handle her. I’m hoping I am named on the policy so that I can put it down for a house deposit, it’s not much by the time it is split and some of it will go towards costs etc but it’ll be enough for a small deposit. So fingers crossed 🤞🏻

Craziness, I think you have realised it. Detach.

Sorry for the loss of your father.

You can do this. 100% move out. She must be able to get help at home if she needs it. Make some enquiries re. funeral payment - there must be options.

Go for it OP

Move out You can always flatshare etc. Anything is better than this toxic environment. It also sounds a bit off about you having to pay for the funeral without a proper bill or having arranged it all. How come you don't know the costs? Who actually arranged it? I would not pay a penny if I had not actually had a precise say in it and chosen everything.

The funeral was arranged between myself and my half brother. We asked for the bill to be sent straight to the solicitor who told her my dad didn’t have enough funds in his bank account to cover the cost of the funeral but that the life insurance policy will pay it but it may take a couple more months. The funeral director then called me trying to scare monger me into paying even though there’s no way I am capable of paying my share (££££) upfront. I’m in the midst of writing a formal complaint as she was so disrespectful and rude to a grieving child. I visited my father at his viewing and was shocked because it didn’t look like him and she stood there and said “well YOU wanted to see him didn’t you? I told you not to see him but YOU wanted too.” With her hands on her hips. Then calling me to say she’s not prepared to wait for the policy and that I should go to loan sharks to pay for it. Feeling victimised from all directions I tell you :(

Your mother isn’t good for you. You can find a shared house with other young professionals. That’s a great chance for you to make new friends and social connections. You will never, ever be happy living with your mother as she won’t let you be happy. Get away now whilst you are young and have the chance of a good life. I did it myself. It’s hard but it can be done. You might need to cut contact with your mother in which case you probably need counselling to push you past the feelings of fear, obligation and guilt that you feel towards her. She is an adult and NOT your responsibility. You have the right to be free and happy. Good luck xxx

She’s lost it again guys . Completely immature!! Honestly can’t live with it. When I am going to be moving out after this palava with the solicitor and funeral director is all sorted I will definitely be cutting contact down to a minimum. She’s nice one minute then switches the next. Not a healthy environment and PP is right I’ll probably need some help with abolishing the feelings of guilt etc that’s come from years of being manipulated by my mother.

I definitely recommend spending some quality time with a fabulous counsellor who specialises in personality disorders. Children of parents with personality disorders pretty much have until they're 30 to undo the damage done by their parents (lots of counselling) so they don't repeat patterns and develop personality disorders of their own. I think you sound smart enough and determined enough to do it.