If you AREN’T no contact with toxic parents..

[kingjoffreythefirst]

First things first, I know I should go no contact, but I don’t seem to be able to manage to. It didn’t bring me peace, and that’s what I want to achieve.

I have toxic parents. I’ve lost a lot of respect for them over the past year with decisions they have made, and the way they have treated me. They dropped me like a hot potato when I needed support the most, all because I didn’t do what they wanted.

I have been no contact for a few months now, but I have gotten back in touch with them now. I’ll never be free of them and their flying monkeys anyway, and I’ve been isolated from the wider family if I don’t see my parents.

I just want to find a way that I can continue to have some civil contact with my parents and see the rest of my family. I don’t want to go there for all the Sunday dinners, birthday party, bbqs, etc. It’s too much. I am happy to see them for some of these, but certainly not all. But I know they won’t accept this, and I can’t find a way to explain that I don’t want to without it sounding like an attack, which will start the whole cycle of nastiness again.

If you aren’t no contact with your toxic parents, how does your relationship work? I’m trying to find real life examples of what I can aim for. It surely doesn’t have to be all or nothing..

Could be one for the 'always apologize never explain'. You don't need to actually give them a reason, that will result in discussion. Go to what you feel comfortable with, otherwise - just say NO.

I moved overseas twenty years ago and never came back. It works for me I see them once a year and that's a struggle. Good luck having crap parents is awful hope you can find a solution.

@ZaraW Moving overseas could work..! I'll save that for plan b

I couldn’t go non contact with my toxic mum but in the last few years of her life I just stopped seeing her so much. I would pop over for an hour a week but wouldn’t stay longer than that and wouldn’t go out anywhere with her. She was annoyed with me but to be honest you just learn to put yourself first- they have never put you first so there’s no need to feel guilty.

She died in March and I haven’t felt sad about it at all. It sounds dreadful to most people but the sense of relief is immense.

I can’t find a way to explain that I don’t want to without it sounding like an attack, which will start the whole cycle of nastiness again.

Lie.

Don't say you don't want to. You don't need to die on the hill of truth on this one.

Can you think of a list of good excuses and practice saying them so that when you are asked to another event you already have a prepared response on the tip of your tongue?

I am NC with mine, and I am now isolated from my entire family circle as a result...so I know why you would rather avoid that option. It is incredibly hard no matter how you choose to deal with this dynamic. NC is isolating and LC is hard to maintain.

Thank you everyone. This is the only place I can come where people understand. I'm sorry for everyone who has parents like this

kingjoffrey most people with well adjusted, supportive parents don't really get it. My mum sits in judgement of others and thinks she's a better parent. I'm truly lost for words when she does this because she has zero empathy and parenting skills.

The easiest way to avoid going to every event is to just say 'I don't want to' and when asked why, say 'It's it my thing' or 'I just don't want to'. I've withdrawn from my parents like this, along with a disbelieving tone eg told i should travel 5 hours for a cousin's friends birthday. 'Ha ha, no, of course I'm not coming up for John's 40th, that's ridiculous.' It helped to move away and having multiple animals who can't be left.

kingjoffrey I'm so sorry you've had this problem. My parents walked out on me when boundaries were asserted. I've made the decision to let them go. NC is very hard and I've lost all my family.

@Lisette1940 I'm so sorry that's horrible. I have a feeling something similar will happen to me. They backed away after they realised I wasn't going to play their games. They won't admit that's why, but I know that's why.

They won't respond well to boundaries, so I need to be strong and stick with it.

kingjoffreythefirst thanks there are lots of other good things in my life, thankfully. I do feel for them as their lives and other relationships are very dysfunctional.

@Lisette1940 that's a very good attitude to have. I also try to think like that. My parents are missing out on so much. They will miss out on more than we will. But it's so hard too.

I’ve been isolated from the wider family if I don’t see my parents
Same here....and i still choose to go no contact with the lot pf them.
If adults can't be strong enough to have their own relationship with me and instead choose to let my parents triangulate everything then they're not the kind of people i can trust or want in my life.

I am LC with my dad. I see him on routine but infrequent times. There are three "occasions" a year that I go to and I'm bound to nothing else. I have little contact with the rest of that side of the family but that doesn't bother me much.

I am low contact with my DM. I see her 4-5 times a year and have no qualms declining visits etc. I always tell her I have plans. I cut telephone calls short to avoid conflict and I plan get togethers carefully.

I'd make excuses - I'm busy/not well/prior engagements. They'll soon get the hint.

Ordinarily you should be able to just say no, but with toxic, manipulative people it can backfire.

Another few that work well is 'I'll see' and 'I'll let you know nearer the time' or 'I'll try' and say no nearer the time when they can't rearrange their plans, and you can actually go if it suits you. You'll get the reputation of being a flake but it's a small price to pay.

Also little things that help keep a distance help too eg put their phone numbers and texts on silent so you don't get bothered by them and feel the need to reply straight away.

Edge wash very slowly so that they don't notice that you have gone LC. I've done this with my ILs and it's helped our relationship loads.

I’m currently in this situation but I can’t get out of it.

Honestly it’s a dream of mine to walk out and never look back and I just don’t have the money for this.

I see my dm purely because she's a much better grandmother than mother.

I limit contact. I hang up on her if she pulls any stunts but since my df died last year she's been mostly on her best behaviour so far. I don't always answer when she phones if I don't feel up to talking to her. When I phone her, I always have an excuse for ending the conversation. I think it's helped by the fact that she knows that dh feels we should cut her out of lives completely for the things she did, especially when I was child.

I think it works for us because I have something she wants, access to my children and she knows that now my df is dead, there is little tying me to her.

DP moved 400 miles away. I book up holidays and activities in advance. Ring them briefly usually when out going somewhere. I made a regular slot to see DM. Seems to work.

Access to DGD is what is working for us right now. Sadly both me and DH have toxic parents in different ways. Mine blow hot and cold so one minute they are letting themselves into our house and constantly contacting us (escalates with no immediate response), as well as fully inserting themselves between me and DH. The next they dont want to see me mothers day or ignore our engagement. With them I control the flow of info so think about what you put on social media or control what they can seem. I think control the tone of information so I dont really want to see them this weekend so I sent a couple of cute pics of DD (8 months) making a mess at snack time. I just back a response of 'She'll have wind'. The photo was of DD eating broccoli and cauliflower florets. So I sent back 'recommended snack by the HV but she doesn't have do the cleaning up Haha'. Dont get upset by it. Just control the tone and the info. Remember they are adults and their reaction isn't your concern.

Then there are DHs parents who live in a weird fantasy land where everyone is beholden to their family obligations, events are changed/distorted and every incident is a catastrophe (everytime they drive the 20-40min journey to us they 'nearly died' due to some incident or another). So again, control the flow of info. DD has a lot of health checks which I rarely tell them about as they will continue to go on about the worse case scenario which they then spout to other relatives and random strangers. They can't spread what they dont know. DH sees them monthly so I take DD to see them weekly. I can be more detached then DH can. I make it clear each visit that I will not parent adults and I will not buy into distorted events so when they are bullying or just being idiots I simply ignore it or pretend not to understand. When they complain that they haven't seen DD for a week I play dumb and do the 'oh were you planning to visit last week, you didn't say but you know I have stopped you from seeing your DGD'. Stop the incorrect scripts in their tracks. They would like people to think that they are her parents and I'm simply a uterus on legs, and that they would do oh so much more if only I let them. BS! so always gently and assertively (but non aggressively) correct. This works us although I should add that DSS (15) struggles with his grandparents and will often distance himself

Ok so there are a lot of typos there but it should say I haven't ever stopped them seeing DGD

I have a carefully managed facade for parents, which for decades now is all my parents ever saw / see .......... and the rest of me. I'm down to just one very elderly parent now and can neither bring myself to cut contact completely nor confront decades worth of issues.

And I have significant issues due to my severely dysfunctional childhood and have had quite a lot of therapy.

I limit contact to one phone call a week and one brief visit. During those times I am dutiful, polite and reveal very carefully controlled information about my life, so there is no ammunition. To an outside person it probably looks as though we get on fine and to all extents and purposes we do, because while there is contact I behave exactly as she wants me to behave.

I can't exactly recommend it as an option for anyone else, but it is tolerable and manageable most of the time.

I am low contact with mine. For me this means I don't go to their house or invite them to mine. I text mother every 8/9 weeks or so and suggest meeting for dinner, in a pub/restaurant. Mostly she accepts. I always have DH with me and my DSIS comes too. I only ever phone on Xmas day when u know they have people over. I have a good relationship with my DSIS but we don't really talk about my parents as she thinks I am in the wrong.

I do attend wider family events (when I want to rather than because mother insists). On these occasions I am polite to my parents but do not spend any time alone with them. I don't know if the wider family are aware of the situation, I suspect some are but mother is unlikely to talk to anyone about this as she likes to put on a front of a perfect family (she used to forbid me from telling DH things that she would say to me etc.)

It all works well enough for me -its been like this since I ended up very distressed about the relationship with them, and had some counselling, back in 2011, and wrote them a letter advising them I was reducing contact and the (many!) reasons why.

I'm in the same boat OP so watching with interest.

For those of you who still let your dc have contact with your toxic parents I hope you don’t find yourself in the situation I find myself in, with my teenage dd angry and upset with me for not mourning / being more upset about the death of my mum- her beloved grandparent who she got all the good bits from. It’s a very difficult and odd situation for both of us. I wish I had cut contact earlier.