If you AREN’T no contact with toxic parents..

[kingjoffreythefirst]

First things first, I know I should go no contact, but I don’t seem to be able to manage to. It didn’t bring me peace, and that’s what I want to achieve.

I have toxic parents. I’ve lost a lot of respect for them over the past year with decisions they have made, and the way they have treated me. They dropped me like a hot potato when I needed support the most, all because I didn’t do what they wanted.

I have been no contact for a few months now, but I have gotten back in touch with them now. I’ll never be free of them and their flying monkeys anyway, and I’ve been isolated from the wider family if I don’t see my parents.

I just want to find a way that I can continue to have some civil contact with my parents and see the rest of my family. I don’t want to go there for all the Sunday dinners, birthday party, bbqs, etc. It’s too much. I am happy to see them for some of these, but certainly not all. But I know they won’t accept this, and I can’t find a way to explain that I don’t want to without it sounding like an attack, which will start the whole cycle of nastiness again.

If you aren’t no contact with your toxic parents, how does your relationship work? I’m trying to find real life examples of what I can aim for. It surely doesn’t have to be all or nothing..

@MoviesT that sounds so similar to my story. Me and DP are both so angry at how little they care for our DD. We are besotted with her and can't understand how her own grandparents wouldn't be. Part of me wishes I hadn't got back in touch and left it to them, and see how long it would have taken. But I appreciate that's very petty and not the right way to think. But they are fighting (and paying a fortune) to try and see their other grandchildren (my brother walked out on them and hasn't seen them in months, and my sil has been treated worse than I have by my parents so isn't exactly accommodating to them wanting to take the kids for overnights etc). It hurt that they seem to care so much about them and so little about us. They only want to see them on their terms though, and couldn't answer me when I asked why they don't go to sil's to see dc there, which sil has said she would be happy with. But that's a whole other issue and I'm trying to stay out of that.

@kingjoffreythefirst. The tableau with them fighting to see your brothers children and ignoring yours tells you everything about who they are. The situation with your sister in law tells me it’s all about your mum being told no and that’s the only reason they dig their heels in and want to see the kids and only their terms. Your mum has to be in control.

I doubt your mum really cares about the kids but she will want them as trophies to rub your nose in it, show off to her friends what fabulous grandparents they are and annoy your sil for sure and possibly your brother. Your mum will be happiest when wringing sympathy out of the situation for herself, poor grandparents prevented from seeing the kids. Before my fall out my dad delighted in telling my sister that he would favour her children over mine?! This was when I was on good terms. Some people just love to cause upset.

I agree the right thing to do is not to be petty, I try to aim for quiet dignity with a realistic view of what kind of person I’m dealing with. Always worth examining the motives of people like your mum.

We are no contact with my partner's parents. They caused it, and have turned my partner's whole family against us. There wasnt really another route for us to take, as they we just becoming so incredibly toxic and unreasonable. It makes me angry on my partner's behalf, but the sense if relief of not having to deal with them or ve at their back and call, listen to their lies and negativity is immense.

@MoviesT you have just perfectly described all the things I have thought and said about my mother and you don't even know her. That proves what she is like doesn't it.

I need to keep my distance from them. It's hard at the moment because she is still trying to stay in contact and be the doting mother. But it won't last. I know this and then it will be easier to gradually reduce contact without them even noticing probably.

@slapmyarseandcallmemary That sounds awful, but I'm glad you found peace in no contact. I couldn't stick with it. I wish I could, and I wish I had. I hated being the "bad guy". (I'm absolutely not saying you are the bad guy! Just that's how I felt, even though it wasn't true) But hopefully I'll find a way to make low contact work

I had a ready made excuse to leave early if I wanted. I think that's the way forward.
Yes, it is the way forward. And if you are ever there without an excuse to leave but feel you have to for your sanity, please remember: you don't need an excuse. You are allowed to get up and say, 'Lovely to see you. I'm off now,' and keep walking until their front door has closed behind you. Don't let them hook you with crazy delay tactics. Just go.

@woodcutbirds thank you. That's very true and easy to forget sometimes when in the moment.
The thing with my mum is she always wants to talk about it "to clear the air" (make you see things her way)
She's a master manipulator, and knows how to guilt me into believing her. Unfortunately I can still fall for it. This is something I'm working on, and I'm better than I was. But she ruined two days last week because she told me how it was my fault she stayed away this year because of something I did (that I don't remember) when they wanted to visit me in 2016. I fell for it and let it eat up at me about how terrible I was to say/do that. Except I don't actually recall it happening. And certainly not in the way she described. And my DP doesn't remember it. And it doesn't sound like something I would say/do But I do remember I distanced myself at the time for my own mental health. All her lies are based in a truth somewhere. That's why she's so clever at fooling people.

Kingjoffrey - that is very familiar. My dad does the same. Punishes you and gives you the silent treatment for months on end for some tiny slight that didn't exist. (E.g. you dare to disagree with him on something minor, like whether lime or lemon slices are nicer in G&T.) He takes it personally if anyone has an opinion that veers even faintly from his own, and gets bitterly hurt and angered by his children daring to have different taste or opinions from him.

@woodcutbirds my dad is exactly the same .
Totally and utterly argumentative , even when you don't want to get into it .

OP I guess I’m LC with my DM. We text short polite messages every few weeks, send cards at Xmas/birthdays and have spoken on the phone twice in almost a year. I live in a different country which “helps” create distance.

We got here to this point because I (finally) called her out on her terrible self-absorbed behaviour and we’ve barely spoken since. A lot of damage has been done and similar to a pp, I am hurt, sad and disappointed that she seems unwilling to try to fix things. Yet I’m somehow relieved to not have to be in touch much either. And I don’t know what I even want from her anymore. Going “back to normal” is not doable from my side. I feel liberated to have broken away, and can’t go back. Yet I’m sad we are at this point too.

Lots of confusing emotions tbh but I’ve gone into self preservation mode.

I’ve found a wonderful counsellor who’s helping me unravel a lifetime of subtle manipulation. It’s hard but worth it. I’m working it all through and trying to figure out how to please myself after years of being trained to please dm, and whilst I’m still doing this I need to keep her away. Bringing her back into my life would set me back.

It’s a shit situation and I worry for the future in terms of whether it’s possible to sustain this current level of contact if/when she gets older and/or suffers any ill-health. And whilst I do believe I’m currently protecting my own mental health, the guilt is still there.