Received anonymous letter about my new bf. WWYD?

[torquewench]

Hi, apologies if this rambles on a bit but here goes.

Im in a newish relationship (4 months or thereabouts) with someone who lives about 200 miles away. We met via a mutual friend (he sees this friend maybe once or twice a year).

I see him every couple of weeks. We always have a nice time. He always comes down to visit me and I havent met any of his other friends or family. He's seemed absolutely wonderful so far,very attentive, eg buying flowers at valentines and on my birthday recently. This was also the day after his dads funeral and I was actually a bit surprised that he chose to spend time with me rather than his mum and siblings/family. Im mentioning this as someone may think its relevant (not sure if thats the right word).

However in todays post Ive received an anonymous letter (sent to my business address) that says its not being sent maliciously but is giving me some genuine advice and that I should steer clear of him because, among other things: theres a reason he's still single (never married but a couple of LTRs) in his early 50s; I should ask myself why hes picked someone who lives somewhere that no one else knows him; he's a narcissist; hes an alcoholic (he does drink quite a bit when he's with me), bipolar and depressed but wont get help and a few other things. Ive also been sent screenshots of his OLD profiles and the detail behind the screenshot, apparently showing him as being online whilst we were out celebrating my bithday. Also, the letter mentions that he "targets" ladies who had children very young - I had a child when I was 16.

Id not previously worried about anything as regards his behaviour, but on reflection, he does hide his phone a lot - its always face down and he always takes it with him to the toilet and Ive noticed hes been on whatsapp while hes in there. His Facebook friends list is also hidden and Ive noticed that one of his exes (I asked who she is, its his ex fiancee) comments on all his photos, usually really inane comments but shes always the first to pipe up. There is also, now I think about it, some strange bedroom behaviour but i dont know if its appropriate to mention it here so apologies - he never ejaculates, just stops "for a rest". He doesnt have any children.

The letter also bizarrely suggests contacting any one of his ex gfs (and listed a LOT of names over the last 5 years) via Facebook to find out what hes really like.

So ... do I ignore this and assume its from a jealous ex, or do I tell him about whats happened and see what he says? The tone of the letter doesnt strike me as being particularly spiteful or jealous - it does say theyre not interested in getting him back.

Letter also suggests maybe i should set up an anonymous OLD profile to try and "flush him out" as they put it.

My track record with men isnt the happiest to be honest and now Im wondering if my judgment has let me down yet again. But he does seem lovely so far. I cant talk to any of my friends about this as id be mortified.

Mmmm clearly a few posters here haven’t been in a relationship with a narcissist.
Believe me, they have a cycle, they have a script for every conversation and every possible scenario you give him because he’s done it a dozen times.
It’s a 4 month long distance relationship, ask yourself if it’s worth agonising over

I don’t think the op said the letter writer sounded ‘outraged’, more giving advice.

I'd agree people with bi polar, depression or alcoholism can hold down jobs, they may have periods off sick, but they can indeed stay in jobs long term. And being a postman, whilst I'm sure it has its challenges, isn't probably a highly stressful number in comparison to some other jobs.

The op has already said he drinks heavily when he is with her. He's not particularly well groomed. He seems to be prone to long distance relationships. The tone of the letter isn't malicious.

Op, I'd not wait a few weeks, I'd simply suggest to him next time you talk yiu come to him next. See what he says. If he is indeed living in squalor. Then he's not going to be amenable at all.

OP, do you earn well or have any money? Who pays for things when you are together?

Even if the letter is from a jealous ex - that doesn’t meant it’s not true and anyway, he’s got enough strikes against him without it - phone guarding, drinking, weird sex.

I think Im going to set up an OLD profile and see whats what, and also a fake fb profile or non-identifying email address to contact the exes. That way, my curiosity may be satisfied but I might retain a bit of dignity in the process.

Really? No dignity in most of those actions. Move on.

The letter is sinister. It is creepy, it is full of insinuations and aims to manipulate you. That may be done for good reasons or bad. What you have to do is not respond to the invitation to make a fake profile for OLD. Please don’t do this - it’s a very off suggestion. A warning letter does not suggest or ask you to do something. It just warns you.

Don’t get engaged in the drama of it. You don’t have to.

Don’t show him it. Just make a decision to move on. Do your own digging but don’t do what is suggested.

For me I would run a mile from this man because he sounds like bad news, but don’t act on invitations from anonymous people. Their motivations are not good, I think.

Someone who writes an an anonymous letter to a stranger has there own interests at heart not yours. Which could be good or bad but either way it is unhealthy. No matter how undramatic, the writer’s aim is to interfere with your boyfriends life in a non positive way. So I agree it is sinister and malicious. The fact that the person has a list a people for you to contact implies an obsession or perhaps a stalker. There is also the possibility that the identifies are fake. The writer gives no substance to the accusations, they are opinions with no evidence or example. I would show the letter to your boyfriend so he is aware of this issue in his life.

As to whether you have should be involved with him make that decision based on what you know. Drinking heavily in the UK is often just a guise for an alcohol problem. It is never a good thing in a relationship as drinking causes depression, violence, sexual dysfunction, ill health and financial problems. Problem drinkers will display narcissistic traits because it makes them prioritise their drinking over all else and gives them false bravado. Heavy drinking can also be a guise for self medication masking hidden mental health problems or personality problems.

You do not need to indulge in setting up a fake account to find this out it is a reality. But you should accept it and then decide if you want this man in your life based on what you do actually know. It would be enough for me to say no. I don’t need a letter or to catfish to find that out.

I disagree LemonTT. There have been a couple of posters on here recently who have debated contacting wives of men who were cheating. Their intent was not at all malicious; they were genuinely concerned that these women weren’t getting the opportunity to decide if they wanted to stay with someone who was cheating on them plus their sexual health was being put at risk. It’s certainly not always the case that these sort of letters are motivated by self interest.

I understand that dilemma but the issues isn’t about just contacting someone it is about doing it anonymously to a stranger. Not directly to someone you know. In almost all of those posts the OP is told to be direct or not do it at all. The writer claims to not know the OP so cannot have her interests at heart.

The letter writer is not to be trusted on any level even if right. They have stayed anonymous but given other people’s names. This is reprehensible. The writer could just as easily but connected to the OP and be trying to interfere in her life. This is unlikely to be a healthy well intentioned person.

The OP has enough information to decide to continue the relationship anyway. One big red flag. She is refusing to see it or accept what it means. The letter is a big distraction from what is staring her in the face.

Whether the letter content is true or not, he has someone in his life who clearly has it in for him, and feels the need to poke their nose in your relationship.

Some old drama there you don't need to be part of. I would say the long distance relationship is not for you and move on. And I wouldn't be contacting anyone off that list of setting up new dating profiles, don't get drawn in.

Re the ejaculation thing....

My ex couldn't either. Well- he couldn't from PIV sex. I believe that it was another symptom of his tight grip on control. Everything was about control.

PS- can a friend set up an OLD account? If you do it, then he could muddy it up by saying he was looking for you, and he would have found you...

This letter is sinister.

It has a list of other people

It suggests further engagement via setting up a fake profile

It insinuates nastily about paedophilic intentions

It says, narcissistic, alcoholic, man

When you think about it, you can just write a warning without listing other women. It’s been sent to her business address, which certainly implies quite the effort to track the OP down and all the others.

Whoever wrote this letter does not sound okay.

They may be right about this man of course, but one would have to be very naive to do something on the basis of an anonymous letter.

Make your own assessment OP. I suppose what alarms me is how non specific it is, it’s anonymous nature, and tracking you down. Someone is watching you and that is not good.

Are you sure it's not from the mutual friend who has been hoping the relationship would come to nothing but now feels the need to step in?

How do they have your business address? And did they send the letter there do you wouldn't open it in front of this fella or leave it lying around where he might read it?

Hmm, I'd be wary. I think I'd set up a fake OLD profile and see if that brings up anything and like you said, suggest coming to see him. I'm guessing you'll get some answers after that.

This is interesting and previous posters make excellent points on how to proceed. I like a good drama mystery but at the same time appreciate this could be from someone unhinged and looking to do some damage.

I don't think I saw this answered and I read all the OP's posts and several other posts but I am assuming here your bf shared posts of you two out for the author of this letter to know what times you were out/together (to then provide screenshots and timestamps)? Again apologies if I missed that upthread. I wondered how the author of the letter knew the times you two were together.

He sounds suspicious, have you visited him at home and met his relatives and friends? Take care. A warning should be recognised as such.

@Easilyflattered i already suggested mutual friend few pages back.He knows both of them,knows where op would work.Knows the the bf is really like.Knows previous partners and certainly would be privvy to some more of the bf dubious encounters.

My dad was bipolar/depressed/alcoholic, held down important jobs somehow although he was in the oil industry in the 1980s so a lot of drinking and crazy stuff going on.

I think he wants LDRs as basically he's living in squalor by the sounds of it. That's a MH issue. So he's functioning in someways but the MH issues are coming out in others - can't ejaculate, is perhaps a hoarder etc.

You could finish with him on any number of things - I wouldn't necessarily on the sex thing but would if he's still trying to meet other people off OLD while he's been with you, if his home isn't fit for you to visit and he's not going to do anything about it. He's keeping you at arms length and has done the other women - he sought out on OLD people that live so far away it's inconvenient from them to get to his, so he goes to theirs and for a weekend can leave all his problems behind him. He's got MH issues for sure. Depends how much deeper you want to involve yourself.

I'd be very concerned about this letter. Whether because of the BF and his back story/character or because of the person who has taken the trouble to track you down, research you and write. I'd get out of the situation - if you ignore the letter what then might happen? Will the writer escalate efforts to speak to you? It sounds messy and potentially scarey - I'd get out of the situation. Now.

Whether or not this is unfair to the BF - he has been embroiled in a messy situation with at least one person and this will bring trouble to your door.

I had a BF once who set up a fake OLD profile to spy on me. I suspected it was fishy. I dumped him. Don't do it. It makes you into the psycho.

It has only been 4 months and games are being played, why invite this energy into your life?

How does this letter writer know you had a child at 16?

Honestly.

This is new.
It’s long distance.
He drinks too much.
He hides his phone.

And now this?

It’s not worth it. I’d cut your losses before you get in too deep. Life is way too short and to be honest, he sounds weird anyway!

I disagree with the posters who assume the letter writer is only out for themselves. I mean, this could be the case of course.
For example, I got involved with a guy from OLD for 8 months and discovered he was an alcoholic among loads of other things. I think I would be very tempted to tell any new girlfriend what he's really like because he was a 'groomer' and liar and I wish I had known more about him before I got more involved.
I believe this person has listed lots of names to show there are others who would corroborate her story.

Ah Dustarr well I missed your post, but great minds think alike?!

OP how does your mutual friend know this chap? I'm wondering if it's a really old childhood friendship which they can't quite let go despite this man's life being a train wreck.

I have friends like this, one is a nice enough woman at the school gates, coffee meet ups, but I would never encourage any male friend to get involved with her in a relationship after knowing her past. So I'd be trying to draw the mutual friend into discussions about your partner, depth, length of friendship wise.