Received anonymous letter about my new bf. WWYD?

[torquewench]

Hi, apologies if this rambles on a bit but here goes.

Im in a newish relationship (4 months or thereabouts) with someone who lives about 200 miles away. We met via a mutual friend (he sees this friend maybe once or twice a year).

I see him every couple of weeks. We always have a nice time. He always comes down to visit me and I havent met any of his other friends or family. He's seemed absolutely wonderful so far,very attentive, eg buying flowers at valentines and on my birthday recently. This was also the day after his dads funeral and I was actually a bit surprised that he chose to spend time with me rather than his mum and siblings/family. Im mentioning this as someone may think its relevant (not sure if thats the right word).

However in todays post Ive received an anonymous letter (sent to my business address) that says its not being sent maliciously but is giving me some genuine advice and that I should steer clear of him because, among other things: theres a reason he's still single (never married but a couple of LTRs) in his early 50s; I should ask myself why hes picked someone who lives somewhere that no one else knows him; he's a narcissist; hes an alcoholic (he does drink quite a bit when he's with me), bipolar and depressed but wont get help and a few other things. Ive also been sent screenshots of his OLD profiles and the detail behind the screenshot, apparently showing him as being online whilst we were out celebrating my bithday. Also, the letter mentions that he "targets" ladies who had children very young - I had a child when I was 16.

Id not previously worried about anything as regards his behaviour, but on reflection, he does hide his phone a lot - its always face down and he always takes it with him to the toilet and Ive noticed hes been on whatsapp while hes in there. His Facebook friends list is also hidden and Ive noticed that one of his exes (I asked who she is, its his ex fiancee) comments on all his photos, usually really inane comments but shes always the first to pipe up. There is also, now I think about it, some strange bedroom behaviour but i dont know if its appropriate to mention it here so apologies - he never ejaculates, just stops "for a rest". He doesnt have any children.

The letter also bizarrely suggests contacting any one of his ex gfs (and listed a LOT of names over the last 5 years) via Facebook to find out what hes really like.

So ... do I ignore this and assume its from a jealous ex, or do I tell him about whats happened and see what he says? The tone of the letter doesnt strike me as being particularly spiteful or jealous - it does say theyre not interested in getting him back.

Letter also suggests maybe i should set up an anonymous OLD profile to try and "flush him out" as they put it.

My track record with men isnt the happiest to be honest and now Im wondering if my judgment has let me down yet again. But he does seem lovely so far. I cant talk to any of my friends about this as id be mortified.

Also, it would be virtually impossible for someone with severe depression/bipolar to hold down a steady job with Royal Mail. As far as I know they are DBS checked. Their hours are usually early starts, so if he's an alcoholic, he wouldn't manage it.
This is sounding more malicious the more you talk about it.

Does he go to work every day do you know or does he ring in sick a lot? I know that since he's far away, you probably don't know.

Does he seem well groomed, cheerful, well dressed?

He could be a binge drinker on his time off.

The label alcoholic is thrown around in the same way "narc" is. He could be a functioning alcoholic that binges on his time off.

The only thing that makes me think this is definitely real is the list of exes and their contact details. Is it phone numbers and email addresses?. Curious as to how an ex would have all of these. Unless the email addresses are fake. How many are on there? A few email addresses could be easily faked, phone numbers less so.

I wonder if this is the ex that is all over his Facebook.

Also, it would be virtually impossible for someone with severe depression/bipolar to hold down a steady job with Royal Mail. As far as I know they are DBS checked. Their hours are usually early starts, so if he's an alcoholic, he wouldn't manage it.

^ Literally none of this is correct!

Penguin i think its just a coincidence of the time stamp of the screenshot being at the same time as we were out.

Fjfs ive no idea what any of his exes do, but anyone can use a postbox?

Hes not particularly well groomed, no. But neither am I most days

Also, it would be virtually impossible for someone with severe depression/bipolar to hold down a steady job with Royal Mail. As far as I know they are DBS checked. Their hours are usually early starts, so if he's an alcoholic, he wouldn't manage it.

^ Literally none of this is correct

Honey, I know, because I am struggling with 2 of the above. I haven't worked in over 6 months. So yes, 'virtually impossible' is 100% correct.

You might be able to keep it up for a few months, but no way would a depressive/bipolar/alcoholic be any way capable of holding down a job for a lifetime.

It's a malicious letter.

You can speak for yourself but please don't generalise about other people in that way.

Of course anyone can use a postbox, but it's highly likely this well-meaning concerned citizen is an ex he met through work.
Most of these contacts are made through FB, particularly since that's how she has found your address.

You can speak for yourself but please don't generalise about other people in that way.

The letter said he refuses to get help. NO-ONE with that combination would be able to hold down a job without help.

I wish someone had wrote me a letter about my no ex.

Love bombed and discarded with painful memories to try to erase.

As a previous poster suggested, contact some of the exes for some other POVs.

And I wish I could write a letter to warn people from my ex. It's not a jealous ex thing, I still genuinely think he can be a truly good person and I don't wish him any harm, he just needs to get clinical help first!

Doesn’t sound like a jealous ex to me. Sounds like somebody has been badly burnt and he has a history of doing that and this person wants to warn others. Why is he targeting ladies who had children young? Is this person suggesting some sort of intent? Have you checked that he’s not on the sex offenders register?

Just because someone posted a letter it doesn't mean they were a postman/woman, ffs!

I suppose it depends if he is medically diagnosed with these conditions or someone is just saying he is an alcoholic, etc. Depression can be mild, moderate or severe and sometimes people that are really moody are labelled bipolar.

Many depressed people hold down jobs

Have you checked that he’s not on the sex offenders register?

Given the amount of detail given, I can't imagine this would have been kept off he was.

Surely any partner's children would be grown up, I think the guy is 50+

Also, it would be virtually impossible for someone with severe depression/bipolar to hold down a steady job with Royal Mail. As far as I know they are DBS checked. Their hours are usually early starts, so if he's an alcoholic, he wouldn't manage it.

What's a DBS got to do with anything?

MH illnesses affect people differently, so you can't talk fir everyone with bipolar.

I work in HR and my organisation has a number of employees with bipolar, who have been there for years.

Most have periods of time off sick, but as they are protected under the equality act, we cannot just dismiss them so easily.

Yeah I wondered what that bit is getting at Shamu.

Presumably if he dates women roughly his own age and doesn't much like young kids (not having any of his own) it's just easier dating women who had their kids young so that their children are older/around less/less of a tie.

Or is it meant to be a implication of paedophilia** or liking women who are somehow vulnerable?

Their hours are usually early starts, so if he's an alcoholic, he wouldn't manage it.

Plenty of high functioning alcoholics hold down early starting jobs. You might be surprised.

Show him the letter. Say that it has shaken you. Say that you want, need, him to say what he thinks might be going on. Give him the chance to explain. And then decide if you trust his explanation.

If you do, tell him you do, but that before the relationship becomes more serious you would like to meet some of his friends/family and visit his place. If he is fine with that, do it. If not, then you can make a decision.

If you don't trust his explanation, say that you will be drawing the relationship to a close and say goodbye.

Setting up dating profiles and chasing down random women on Facebook is all quite creepy, frankly.

There are plenty of pisshead posties. I'm related to one.

I think the worst thing to do would be to show him the letter.

*Plenty of high functioning alcoholics hold down early starting jobs. You might be surprised.

I agree. I know this from a few people including a recovered alcoholic.

I don't believe the person would go through that trouble for malice.

I'd be suspicious of why all his relationships are long distance.

He sounds dodgy.

I'd be suspicious why some randomer would send a character assassination of her ex to a new girlfriend.

That sounds like the sort of letter you'd love to send when somebody you met on line hurt you and betrayed you and lied to you.

So........... I think that's what it is. He hasn't hurt you yet. He hasn't lied to you that you know of yet. But that letter doesn't sound like it was sent by somebody who wants him back. It sounds like it was sent by somebody who is outraged that he can just get away with 'it' again.

I'd do some digging. Maybe do what the letter writer suggests and see if he's still on OLD.

I'd be suspicious of why all his relationships are long distance.

Hard to know if all of his relationships were long distance or just the ones listed in the email. He's old enough and never married, not a surprise he'd have a few relationships under his belt. I've had quite a few LDRs. I don't think I'm dodgy. If I like someone, I don't mind the distance.