Received anonymous letter about my new bf. WWYD?

[torquewench]

Hi, apologies if this rambles on a bit but here goes.

Im in a newish relationship (4 months or thereabouts) with someone who lives about 200 miles away. We met via a mutual friend (he sees this friend maybe once or twice a year).

I see him every couple of weeks. We always have a nice time. He always comes down to visit me and I havent met any of his other friends or family. He's seemed absolutely wonderful so far,very attentive, eg buying flowers at valentines and on my birthday recently. This was also the day after his dads funeral and I was actually a bit surprised that he chose to spend time with me rather than his mum and siblings/family. Im mentioning this as someone may think its relevant (not sure if thats the right word).

However in todays post Ive received an anonymous letter (sent to my business address) that says its not being sent maliciously but is giving me some genuine advice and that I should steer clear of him because, among other things: theres a reason he's still single (never married but a couple of LTRs) in his early 50s; I should ask myself why hes picked someone who lives somewhere that no one else knows him; he's a narcissist; hes an alcoholic (he does drink quite a bit when he's with me), bipolar and depressed but wont get help and a few other things. Ive also been sent screenshots of his OLD profiles and the detail behind the screenshot, apparently showing him as being online whilst we were out celebrating my bithday. Also, the letter mentions that he "targets" ladies who had children very young - I had a child when I was 16.

Id not previously worried about anything as regards his behaviour, but on reflection, he does hide his phone a lot - its always face down and he always takes it with him to the toilet and Ive noticed hes been on whatsapp while hes in there. His Facebook friends list is also hidden and Ive noticed that one of his exes (I asked who she is, its his ex fiancee) comments on all his photos, usually really inane comments but shes always the first to pipe up. There is also, now I think about it, some strange bedroom behaviour but i dont know if its appropriate to mention it here so apologies - he never ejaculates, just stops "for a rest". He doesnt have any children.

The letter also bizarrely suggests contacting any one of his ex gfs (and listed a LOT of names over the last 5 years) via Facebook to find out what hes really like.

So ... do I ignore this and assume its from a jealous ex, or do I tell him about whats happened and see what he says? The tone of the letter doesnt strike me as being particularly spiteful or jealous - it does say theyre not interested in getting him back.

Letter also suggests maybe i should set up an anonymous OLD profile to try and "flush him out" as they put it.

My track record with men isnt the happiest to be honest and now Im wondering if my judgment has let me down yet again. But he does seem lovely so far. I cant talk to any of my friends about this as id be mortified.

If he’s tall, bald and his name is Terry, run like the fucking wind woman and don’t look back.

@ReallyReallyNo haha no, hes shortish and longhaired

I had a woman try to warn me about a guy once. She actually turned up on my doorstep (this was in the 90s when everyone and their dog was in the phone book.) I was 17 and full of stupidity bravado so told her to fuck off.

Turns out she was pregnant by him, he had lied to me about the nature and duration of their relationship. He later went on to abuse me emotionally, physically, sexually. Thankfully with the support of friends I was able to break free from him.

Some general notes.
As a PP asked, OP are you linked to him on FB as "in a relationship with" or has one of you made posts on there tagging each other saying "Can't wait to see [OP] tonight" or "Having dinner with [BF]"? If so then that's how the letter writer has found you and your business address - simply clicking on your tag and then visiting your business page.

If that hasn't happened, if there's no link between you on FB (or other social media), I'd suspect the mutual friend sent the letter.

Regarding delayed or absent ejaculation: there can be many causes for this. Certain medications can inhibit ejaculation. Drinking a lot of alcohol before sex can also do it. (You mention he drinks a lot when he visits you - if you're having sex at night then this would be a likely cause. If you're having sex in the morning then less likely.)

IME the other two main problems are that he masturbates while yanking himself too hard and can't get off to the gentler sensation of vaginal sex or oral. OR that he tries to "hold it back" early on (for fear of seeming like a Two Pump Tommy) and basically jinxes himself.

"Needing a rest" is common in guys who are overweight and unfit. Do you offer to finish him with oral or for him to finish himself off by hand when this happens?

Oh the other common one for delayed ejaculation is that he had a "tactical wank" beforehand (so as to avoid the Two Pump Tommy situ) but at the age of 50 his chances of having another orgasm within 4 hours is unlikely.

As someone previously said, it does sound like Dirty John, google him if you aren't aware of who he is

OP, you've described a short, overweight, long haired, scruffy bloke who drinks too much, hides his phone, has bedroom issues, lives nowhere bear you and then all this too. Mate, come on. Run. Fast. This is no catch without all this on top.

As someone who was a teenage mum you will very likely be a great target for someone as that in itself can make you more vulnerable and open to manipulation. It gives an indication to someone looking for it that you've had relationship problems in the past - unless you happened to have a baby at 16 and then go on to lead a completely normal unaffected life and was married to the father for 20 years or something. You said yourself you have problems with recognising this stuff. Think about this from an objective, outsider's POV, if he was looking for vulnerability, how would you look to him?

I think the letter is absolutely genuine. The fact he's still single/no kids is neither here nor there, she's alluding to something else and orobably avoiding too many details in case you write it off as a jealous ex. she doesn't sound jealous she sounds concerned.
I'd probably contact a few of the names just so I knew what I was dealing with but I wouldn't bother with all the OLD profile stuff, what's the point?! 4 months is no time especially long distance. Ditch this one and find someone lovely.

Completely agree with the above.

You seem to think because he sent your flowers a couple or times and texted he thinks he loves you that he's a great bloke. He sounds awful. And I would be amazed if the letter wasn't genuine.

(And fwiw Charles Bukowski worked for the postal service for years!)

So, I had a chat to our mutual friend last night to find out a bit about bf's relationship history. Two LTRs of 10+ years, the first at 24 ish with a 19/20 yo who had a months old baby when he moved in with her. BF openly says she was a psychopath but hes still in touch with her son and calls him his son (hes not) but has very little to do with him and hardly ever sees him. Mutual friend met her a few times but didnt really know her well. She threw him out because she found out about him cheating.

The second was with someone who had her first at 15/16. This is the ex-f and the one friend is friends with on FB. He says shes a bit of a fantasist, used to say stuff that was clearly all lies about various medical conditions she claimed to have. BF has told our friend that this one pressured him into their engagement and buying the house that he still lives in, but she never contributed towards the mortgage and is still named on the deeds even though she moved out years ago, she has had several relationships since and rents a house just around the corner. BF has said to me he asked her to leave because she was addicted to painkillers and it "was like living with a drug addict". Hes also mentioned her being lazy because she didnt work and didnt want to get a job.

The most recent live-in GF lasted about a year. Friend only met her briefly twice but he remembers bf being drunk and shouting at her belligerently in a pub about gim "just being a distraction" in front of a lot of people and said she seemed a bit shocked by this rather than upset.

Friend says theres also been lots of short term relationships that just fizzled out as quickly as they started and said BF talks about numerous women hes met via OLD and they all lived a long distance away from him.

Im.not sure if anything above is really relevant, but now im wondering why, if hes such a nice guy like what he seems at the moment, why he does he also appear to be phobic about commitment? He also talks about his exes frequently but im not sure what to make of that.

From that information I wod run for the hills op!

Well, he sounds like a keeper.

Hmm, what do you think after hearing all of that?
So he's a cheat. He's commitment phobic and he drunkenly shouted at a gf in a pub. You can do better OP. Time to finish it and move on.

If you haven't run for the hills yet you are clearly determined to find some evidence that he is actually a good bloke.

Bad-mouthing exes (psychopath, really?) is always a red flag. I think you probably know enough, now, to make a decision.

Ive also this morning found his OLD profile. It states that hes single and not looking for anything serious. Ive sent a message just saying "hi, nice photo" (its an old one from his fb page) and will see if he replies. I know hes working at the minute. I feel a bit sick.

Wow!! At least you will not be left with any what if feeling. Good to KNOW.

His profile also says "undecided/open" re having children. You might find that a tad difficult, mate, unless you work on your technique 🤔

BF openly says she was a psychopath

Big flag there, I suspect he thinks that because she dumped him quickly, did he say why he felt this? Ex is a sociopath and I would never tell a new partner this. I also could describe incidents that makes me believe this and I have proof of his lack of conscious and pathological lying.

He could have various girlfriends all around the country.

Hes replied and we're having a bit of a chat. Apparently hes been single 7 months and has only just signed up to the site at the weekend.

That's made it easier for you to bin him. I'm so sorry.

Sorry

So sorry OP
What a wanker, hope you are ok.

You could play cat and mouse for a bit... Arrange to meet somewhere extremely inconvenient and text him while he's been waiting a while.

Im very tempted to let him travel to where I live this weekend and make sure that Im not in when he gets here. Its a 400 mile round trip for him. It seems a bit spiteful though and im not usually like that.

Stop all the agonising over this idiot. It's an easy decision. Any single one of the points made it an easy decision. Now it's a no brainer. Don't even bother explaining why to him and be very thankful that you live so far away from him.

Well there you go, he’s a liar. Glad you’ve found out now rather than later.
Message him and tell him it’s over, don’t give a reason (you don’t have to) and give yourself a hug. Sadly he will quickly move on to his next ‘victim’