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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being warned off....?

93 replies

Sausage01 · 15/04/2019 22:17

First ever post of my own but long time lurker and occasional responder. I'm being a bit vague but its a wwyd.

A man that I pay for a service, have done for a while so we see each other regularly. We get on well and at some point we started using WhatsApp, just chatting about things in common, odd pics etc, not everyday but reasonably regularly.

About 6 months ago this reduced. All fine in person though. Then I got what seemed to be a gentle back off talk from his DW (who I don't really know). I was a little bemused as I'm not sure what I'm backing off from!

Recent increase in chat, mainly initiated by him. Then a passive/aggressive message on his whatapp to me from DW. Again, felt like back off but also telling me she reads his messages. I think that's weird and controlling.

To be clear, no sexual messages, I love you's, kisses etc and she has presumably read them anyway. WTF is going on and what do I do?!

Thoughts appreciated....

OP posts:

headinhands · 16/04/2019 15:55

Jesus people! She hasn't said anything inappropriate and so many of you think it's perfectly okay for the wife to be telling her not to message him. This is nuts!

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 16/04/2019 16:22

It doesn’t matter really how you’re connected, his wife has an issue with you talking to each other. Whether that’s down to her insecurities or his past behaviour is neither here nor there. You need to step back. If your dh was talking to someone and you felt uncomfortable wouldn’t you him to prioritise your feelings? It’s ridiculous that you’re even questioning why you should back off. His wife has asked you to, it’s just pig headed of you to sit there going “well why should I”. If your chat is as mundane as you say it’s hardly something you’ll miss. FFS just do as she’s asked.

Although if it is your therapist you’ve seriously crossed a line and l have far bigger issues than a disgruntled wife.

AhhhHereItGoes · 16/04/2019 16:28

@Wellfuckmeinbothears Yes I would but if I felt the same I'd tackle my DH not the woman - his behaviour would hardly be her fault.

I probably would leave it OP as to avoid the drama. It's ridiculous though that because someone's partner doesn't like them talking to you, you don't. Seems controlling to me.

stickytoffeegut · 16/04/2019 16:34

I think he possibly has previous for getting too friendly with customers

SpamChaudFroid · 16/04/2019 16:40

I really like my plumber a lot, he's bloody fantastic and has helped me out of a sticky spot or two. We have a laugh when he does jobs for me, he gets a card and a bottle at Christmas. I can't ever imagine hitting him up for friendly, pointless chat though.

headinhands · 16/04/2019 16:47

If a man said he had had a message from the husband of someone he knows and felt he was being told not to message her anymore, you'd be fine with that? That would be reasonable behaviour? Are people really this okay with this sort of controlling behaviour? I know I wouldn't be if my dh was messaging someone asking them not to message me. Weird.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 16/04/2019 17:27

Maybe she has asked him and he refused so she’s gone to the op? Unreasonable of the wife to bring the op into it but unless the op is considering an affair or being inappropriate why should she need to continue the conversation with him when she’s been asked not to? Why involve herself further in whatever martial issues he and the wife may have? As I say, sitting there saying “why shouldn’t I talk to him” is just pig headed. They aren’t long term, close friends. It’s no skin off her nose to stop talking to him other than possibly offending him and having to find another gardener/pt/electrician (etc) if it’s awkward. Just stop conversing with him!

onecardshort · 16/04/2019 17:40

I would take the line that this is between her and her husband and as long as you are comfortable with your communications you should not be dictated to by a stranger. I would be very blunt and say that you have no romantic interest in her husband and any further emails will be be seen as harassment.

headinhands · 16/04/2019 17:51

why should she need to continue the conversation with him when she’s been asked not to?

And you're quite happy with adults telling other adults who they can and can't talk to?

headinhands · 16/04/2019 17:54

It's just weird. I honestly can't imagine a scenario where this is anything other than controlling.

So you think she spoke to the husband and he was like 'give your head a wobble' so she speaks to you. And this is totally fine for adults to be doing?

stucknoue · 16/04/2019 17:57

If I was the wife I would be suspicious too.

forumdonkey · 16/04/2019 18:45

I just think is it worth all this agro and upset, if you're not actually friends?

headinhands · 16/04/2019 21:57

This has been so eye opening. 😱

crappyday2018 · 16/04/2019 22:12

If the wife doesn't like it then why doesn't she ask her DH to stop the messages?
The OP doesn't see anything wrong in these messages because she is happily married and assumes this man is too.
The fact he is clearly not happily married isn't her fault is it?
If I were you OP, I would tell this man (in person) about his wife's response and tell him you're probably best not messaging any more because you don't need the hassle (NOT because you're doing anything wrong),.

MsDogLady · 17/04/2019 05:35

I have a bigger connection to the relationship because it’s involved a big change for me and he has been key to achieving this. This has been over a longish time and the DW has only become bothered by me recently although behavior hasn’t changed.

You have a multi-layered professional and personal relationship with this man. You see him often professionally. You’ve personally messaged “reasonably regularly,” with chatting and pictures. Something has triggered DW’s discomfort, possibly his behavior at home.

It sounds like 6 months ago, DW thought a line was being crossed, perhaps into Emotional Affair territory. She warned you both and he reduced the messaging. Now he has upped the chat frequency, which possibly suggests to her that he ‘can’t stay away from you,’ hence her second back-off message.

Although the messages are not sexual or romantic, DW likely assumes that an inappropriate emotional connection or reliance has developed.

Regarding her reading the messages, he may have form for getting too close to other women. If so, they may have full transparency, something often suggested on Mumsnet for affair recovery.

Whatever is going on in their marriage, DW is uncomfortable, so I would cease the messaging.

TheStuffedPenguin · 17/04/2019 07:49

What are you sending pics of ?

headinhands · 17/04/2019 08:57

I would hit the roof if my dh did this and spoke to someone I was friendly with.

RiversDisguise · 17/04/2019 08:58

I think the poster who guessed personal trainer is right, and OP is sending him body shots?

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