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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being warned off....?

93 replies

Sausage01 · 15/04/2019 22:17

First ever post of my own but long time lurker and occasional responder. I'm being a bit vague but its a wwyd.

A man that I pay for a service, have done for a while so we see each other regularly. We get on well and at some point we started using WhatsApp, just chatting about things in common, odd pics etc, not everyday but reasonably regularly.

About 6 months ago this reduced. All fine in person though. Then I got what seemed to be a gentle back off talk from his DW (who I don't really know). I was a little bemused as I'm not sure what I'm backing off from!

Recent increase in chat, mainly initiated by him. Then a passive/aggressive message on his whatapp to me from DW. Again, felt like back off but also telling me she reads his messages. I think that's weird and controlling.

To be clear, no sexual messages, I love you's, kisses etc and she has presumably read them anyway. WTF is going on and what do I do?!

Thoughts appreciated....

OP posts:

SpinneyHill · 16/04/2019 10:29

I'm with the sensible people on this one for once, you don't contact your DHs 'employer' (for want of a better word) to let her know you have insecurity issues and humiliate your DH in one. She doesn't own him they are married

To those suggesting OP must have earned a talking to? it is weird how so many on Mumsnet say the exact same things that my ex used to say but think it is reasonable despite being textbook controlling arse behaviour
How embarrassing for an adult man to have to his wife police his conversations because he can only have a friendly chat with her permission presumably with men

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 16/04/2019 10:34

You’re being irritatingly vague.

Stop messaging him, she’s uncomfortable with it and if it really is meaningless chat you won’t miss it will you? Save yourself the bother and just don’t reply.

Pinkmonkeybird · 16/04/2019 10:39

This is bothering his DW, so if you have no intention of anything towards him you back the fuck off and stop responding to his messages. How do you know he hasn't got form and his DW has seen him do this before?

FfionFlorist · 16/04/2019 10:47

Blimey, yet again my opinion is different to nearly everyone else here.

If I take your post at face value, your friend has a jealous and controlling wife, if your female friend had a dh who behaved like this about her friendships what would you do?

But I think there may be more to it than that.

User7308cftj35902z · 16/04/2019 10:57

OP - "A man that I pay for a service, have done for a while so we see each other regularly."

Your wording is interesting. Is it just to keep the type of service very vague or is it a euphemism?

You then say of your texts "no sexual messages, I love you's, kisses etc"

It just struck me that in saying this it's like prostitutes who don't kiss clients but perform all manner of sexual acts.

Original poster

Sausage01 · 16/04/2019 11:18

Someone hit the nail on the head, I have a bigger connection to the relationship because its involved a big change for me and he has been key to achieving this. This has been over a longish time and the DW has only become bothered by me recently although behaviour hasn't changed. I really don't want to reveal more than that.

Thanks to those that have read what I've actually written rather than jumping to conclusions. You've been helpful. I think I have to resign myself to the need for change.

OP posts:

AhhhHereItGoes · 16/04/2019 11:24

I think it is quite odd to get a message from a partner like that unless there's inappropriate conversation.

I disagree with most and don't think it's unprofessional at all, unless there is a power dynamic there (teacher, counsellor etc). If it's a business partner, local barista, family accountant etc I don't see the issue.

By talking about mundane things they aren't doing anything wrong.

"Just went out to a restaurant, lovely the penne pasta dish"
"Such a shame about X being ill isn't it?"
"Have you seen X recently? I need to contact her about next weeks meeting"

Etc doesn't make for EA material.

If the DW is uncomfortable as he's acting suspicious/has previously cheated that's fair enough. But she really should be dealing with him, as he is the person she knows.

Original poster

Sausage01 · 16/04/2019 11:28

@User7308cftj35902z that did make me laugh! I assure you I'm trying to be vague and to demonstrate that they weren't flirty. No prostitutes were used or employed in the making of this post....!!

OP posts:

headinhands · 16/04/2019 11:28

*You're out of line. His DW has told you not just once but twice to knock off the personal chit chat.

Since you seem not to understand boundaries,*

So I'm not allowed to have personal chit chat with anyone other than my spouse? If one of my male friend's wives sent me such a message and we were really just friends I would tell my friend. How is the wife controlling his conversations that happen in person? It's just all too weird.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/04/2019 11:29

Is he your personal trainer?

Musti · 16/04/2019 11:29

To be fair, if the wife is uncomfortable she should ask her dh to stop messaging OP. It is weird and unprofessional to message her husband's client if the messages are completely mundane. I'd also be pretty pissed off if my oh would tell me who I could message. And my ex was very jealous and controlling and I was always completely innocent. Having said that, I don't tend to message men other than very very old friends. I've had a few messages from friends' husbands etc and I politely reply but don't encourage the conversation.

In your case OP, please stop messaging the man and keep it to just completely professional topics.

headinhands · 16/04/2019 11:31

I wouldn’t consider her strange. I’d accept that this is her relationship boundary, end of.

She doesn't own her husband and get to choose who he can and can't talk to. I would be beyond furious if my dh did this.

Whodafeck · 16/04/2019 11:33

Is he a counsellor? Or a personal trainee? Someone who provides you with some kind of “personal” service related to health or mental well being?

You should look at your own boundaries because they seem to be blurred and reinstate them.

headinhands · 16/04/2019 11:36

You should look at your own boundaries because they seem to be blurred and reinstate them.

The responses on this thread are revealing and concerning. Other adults should not try to control who other adults talk to. That's a proper boundary.

AnneTwackie · 16/04/2019 11:36

have you thought that it might be him pretending to be the wife gently hinting this inappropriate? Either way they’re just letting you know they have boundaries and you’re crossing them.

Whodafeck · 16/04/2019 11:37

This is a person she pays for a service, not a friend.

That is where the boundary should sit, in my opinion.

Bluntness100 · 16/04/2019 11:38

Actually I was with the other posters till you pointed out if this was a man reading his wives messages and texting as per this wife, there would be an outcry of it being controlling, if as you say it's just friendly messages, and I believe you when yiu say it is. People are allowed friends of the opposite sex in my view.

On one hand I do think this isn't your problem, but again I'm not sure I'd say that if the genders were reversed, if it was a man doing this.

So actually I'm not sure for once. I think I'd back off, but be concerned that he was in an abusive relarionship.

Mapofthesoul · 16/04/2019 11:43

Whether the wife is controlling or the op is out of order with the messaging, I think op should back off anyway and leave this guy and his wife to it.

headinhands · 16/04/2019 11:45

have you thought that it might be him pretending to be the wife gently hinting this inappropriate?

Oh come on, you have to be joking.

User7308cftj35902z · 16/04/2019 11:52

Yep. Presumed there was nothing dodgy. Just really laughed that it was my first thought (and I don't normally have a dirty mind).

Mymycherrypie · 16/04/2019 12:05

Is he a contractor for your business? So could you possibly be considered his “boss” as such?

PineapplePatty · 16/04/2019 12:12

I hope it's not a therapist.

ChristmasFluff · 16/04/2019 12:38

I've paid my gardener for about 10 years now - we are 'friendly', we chat whenever we see eachother in town etc. But why would I message him outside of gardening matters?

Likewise, I am 'friendly' with many parents of students. Again I've known some for over 10 years. But not once has one of them messaged me to tell me how good the pasta is in some restaurant.

If anyone's spouse messaged me to not message any more, I'd raise an eyebrow and leave them to it. But they wouldn't, because my messages are all work-related in every case, as is the professional way to behave.

I do however remember a relationship where I had to be clear about boundaries. I was working in mental health, and so was giving very supportive responses to my driving instructor when I was doing an intensive driving course, as he was divorcing. He then messaged me about his relationship with his son one day. I messaged back that I wasn't comfortable discussing his personal life outside of lessons - in fact it wasn't appropriate that he was discussing his personal life with me during lessons, but I was young and less experienced in those days.

So the fact this man didn't shut down the OP right off the bat says something about his own boundaries.

I think a PP had it with the 'I fancy him, does he fancy me?' comment.

bellareena · 16/04/2019 15:41

I think the majority of women are here are trying to see it from the POV of it being their dh/dp @Sausage01
Which I totally emphasise with having gone through my dp "innocently" txting ow and then became sexting/EA

A wise lecturer once told me in University that a straight woman and men can't be friends because their would always be a temptation especially if you share emotional problems with them etc.

I do think you're getting a hard time though, and apologies I recognise your name from commenting on a few of my posts but can't remember what they were about exactly. I think one was referring to a crush I had at work and you being very persistent about not being unfaithful to my dp! Which is ironic now!!

AventaRizon · 16/04/2019 15:54

Could it be that he has been suffering from mentionitis about you at home, and the DW has twigged that he is slightly more fond of you than he should be?

Honestly, just back away quietly.

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