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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being warned off....?

93 replies

Sausage01 · 15/04/2019 22:17

First ever post of my own but long time lurker and occasional responder. I'm being a bit vague but its a wwyd.

A man that I pay for a service, have done for a while so we see each other regularly. We get on well and at some point we started using WhatsApp, just chatting about things in common, odd pics etc, not everyday but reasonably regularly.

About 6 months ago this reduced. All fine in person though. Then I got what seemed to be a gentle back off talk from his DW (who I don't really know). I was a little bemused as I'm not sure what I'm backing off from!

Recent increase in chat, mainly initiated by him. Then a passive/aggressive message on his whatapp to me from DW. Again, felt like back off but also telling me she reads his messages. I think that's weird and controlling.

To be clear, no sexual messages, I love you's, kisses etc and she has presumably read them anyway. WTF is going on and what do I do?!

Thoughts appreciated....

OP posts:
Absolutepowercorrupts · 15/04/2019 22:57

I've had a professional relationship with a builder for about 4 years, we message back and forth about stuff to do with the building work. We don't have chats, it's only ever work related. I think you need to back off and stop thinking his wife is controlling, what does his intimate relationship have to do with you?

ConfCall · 15/04/2019 23:21

Stop messaging him about non-work matters.

If his wife is controlling, that’s his problem not yours. Keep out of it.

Mymycherrypie · 15/04/2019 23:27

I think one way you could resolve this issue is not to message again?

OldAndWornOut · 15/04/2019 23:30

They maybe have the kind of relationship where they regularly do this kind of thing, and argue about it, and both get jealous and so on.
So, still the answer is not to get caught up in it all.

Original poster
Sausage01 · 15/04/2019 23:36

If I could show you the messages without outing myself I would because if they were between 2 women it would be a none issue because they are that everyday, which was my point. It doesn't matter that anyone reads them and my DH could if he wanted but he doesn't read or answer my messages!! Hence my confusion and feeling that it was controlling. However, I hear you mumsnet jury, they can keep the circus.

@absolutepowercorrupts Normally nothing, clearly!!

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 15/04/2019 23:40

She's clearly uncomfortable about it and letting you know/marking her territory.

Maybe he's cheated on her.
Maybe she's insecure.
Maybe she's jealous & controlling.

Whatever the case, since getting remotely chatty with him sets her off best to keep it very minimal with him. If he tries to make it chatty, shut it down politely and/or take a good while to reply keep all responses minimal and close ended.

Moralitym1n1 · 15/04/2019 23:43

You could also mention her message to you to him, but it's probably not going to help matters, probably best to just stay well away from it.

DBML · 16/04/2019 00:07

If a woman messaged me and asked me to stop texting with her husband, then that is what I’d do.
I wouldn’t consider her strange. I’d accept that this is her relationship boundary, end of.

joedo · 16/04/2019 00:21

Sounds like you're interested in him and are hoping he's interested in you so are in some way seeing if his DW's involvement is confirming his interest.

I'd delete his number and involve a different professional before everyone gets hurt.

MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord · 16/04/2019 00:57

Why do YOU think she's warning you off?

Did you mention this to him? What did he say?

pissedonatrain · 16/04/2019 01:20

You're out of line. His DW has told you not just once but twice to knock off the personal chit chat.

Since you seem not to understand boundaries, I would just find someone else to do the service.

NameChangeNugget · 16/04/2019 08:02

The real issue here is the man. How embarrassing for him to be belittled by his DW.

Not your fight though, so I’d back off.

Sculpin · 16/04/2019 08:10

The wife comes across as a little OTT, but you have no idea what is going on in their marriage - maybe he's been unfaithful to her in the past, and it started like this, or similar.

Just stop messaging him.

Aussiebean · 16/04/2019 08:12

You have no idea what happens in their house, and you have no idea of their past.

It’s quite possible that he has cheated in the past and now he is hiding his phone, changed his password and checking out.

You may think it is innocent, but have no idea what he is thinking or if he is laying the foundations for more.

It is good that you have decided to back off. You have been warned twice.

OberJean · 16/04/2019 08:17

You know what to do, it's blindingly obvious, just back the F offl!! Stop with the chatty messages and pictures... You don't know what's going on at home with him, maybe it is normal for him to be over friendlt with everyone but maybe it's out of character and alarms bells are going off for her. Just. Back. Off.

bellareena · 16/04/2019 08:22

You are being extremely vague.
For example, did you not discuss it with him after the first warning?
I'd find it so cringeworthy and would have stopped any messages after the first warning as it shows they have that kind of relationship where she reads his messages etc,
He might have also said to his DW something about you being nice or pretty or perhaps he talks about you a lot. Whatever it is, it's obviously made her uncomfortable
Tbh it would make me too. I don't think it sounds innocent from his side at all

PineapplePatty · 16/04/2019 08:37

You're married too?

Leave him alone, stop replying.

Original poster
Sausage01 · 16/04/2019 09:55

For clarity, neither message said "stop messaging my husband". They are more subtle than that, probably because their is nothing in the messages. As I said earlier though, you're right it's not my circus, I don't need drama in my life.

@PineapplePatty Yes, I am and my DH knows about the messages but isn't concerned.

@NameChangeNugget my thinking exactly, I'd be furious and embarrassed. If this was a man checking and responding to a womans messages people would be shouting controlling behaviour, LTB.

@bellareena Yes, trying not to out myself. Much more could be added but too identifying. BTW, I've never commented on EA's or told anyone to LTB...

@pissedonatrain I understand boundaries fine, thanks. I just don't have boundaries that involve not being able to speak to other people about stuff I'd say at the bus stop.

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 16/04/2019 10:03

OP do you class the man as a friend? If so maybe a solution to clear up any misunderstanding and maybe to reassure his partner would be to ask them to dinner or lunch with your OH? If there is nothing to hide then make friends with her too and then there can be no misunderstandings?

mindutopia · 16/04/2019 10:10

I wouldn’t be using the professional services of someone behaving so unprofessionally. I would let him know you no longer need any work from him, block his number and hire someone else. It sounds like inappropriate behaviour on both parts but I wouldn’t want anything to do with that situation.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 16/04/2019 10:11

It does seem as though this guy is important to you though in some capacity for you to have posted...not saying there is anything wrong with that if it purely a friendship thing with general things in common.Are you sure though that nothing could have been misinterpreted somewhere causing this ill feeling ? Texts can often
be misinterpreted by the reader its easily done...

AskEvans · 16/04/2019 10:16

OP i think you should rename your post "i really fancy this guy i know - can you tell me if you think he fancies me too?". Don't play the innocent with your "WTF is going on" rubbish - you love the attention he is giving you.

Dieu · 16/04/2019 10:17

You honestly think she's the one in the wrong here?! Hmm

And what exactly would you be sending 'occasional pictures' of?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 16/04/2019 10:17

I'd back off because I couldn't be arsed dealing with that shit.

If she's controlling then that's his problem to deal with.
If he's a cheat and checking out then that's her problem to deal with.

Don't make any of this your problem.

BookCzar · 16/04/2019 10:23

If a woman messaged me and asked me to stop texting with her husband, then that is what I’d do.
I wouldn’t consider her strange. I’d accept that this is her relationship boundary, end of.

Read this once more, OP.