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Original poster

DP ALWAYS OUT OF THE HOUSE

59 replies

littlemouser · 13/04/2019 10:45

Looking for some other opinions on a problem I have. DP and I have been together 17months and have a 3 month old baby together. I am on mat leave and he works 5 days a week 9-4 and the occasional weekend night as a musician. I feel like he's never here....he goes to work, comes home and has dinner then goes off out to the gym. Leaving me again with sorting my own children or bed (fair enough) and trying to wash/make/feed bottles. By the time he's back the baby is usually getting put to bed (and me too for that matter, I'm exhausted)
This happens every night of the week. We also have his children here 3 evenings, he goes to the pub after work on a Friday and goes out with his friends most Sunday afternoons. There is NO downtime. There is no us time. I tried having this out with him yesterday and instantly was met with 'fine I'll just cancel the gym', 'what do you want me to do', you tell me what to do.
I'm not being drawn into this, I'm not going to be the person that says what I think he should do for him to throw it in my face down the line. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to give more time to us as a family? I mean our baby is only 3 months. I feel like I am always on my own

OP posts:
MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 13/04/2019 10:53

I hesitated on replying as if my maths is correct then you were only together 4ish months before becoming pregnant, which might be why you’re feeling unhappy now. You’ve bypassed the getting to know and enjoy each other’s company, going straight into the stressed sleep deprived baby stages.

Now, this shouldn’t prevent you having some time together but perhaps you’re resentful as he’s off “enjoying” himself able to do things whilst you’re at home with your baby and his kids. You both need to discuss this and carve out some individual time and time as a family. Him going to the gym every night would be unacceptable to me, but say 2-3 times a week would be fine or before work maybe. Equally you should be able to have a few hours every week to yourself. Also if you can, get along to a baby group or soft play thing for adult chat. Some aren’t too bad and you may find a friend.

Be kind to yourself, your baby is still young

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/04/2019 10:55

You've been targeted Sad

HollowTalk · 13/04/2019 10:58

Are his children there when he's out?

Original poster
littlemouser · 13/04/2019 11:03

No the evenings his kids are here he is here until he drops them back then goes straight to the gym

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemouser · 13/04/2019 11:07

@MrsGrannyWeatherwax
Just over six months

OP posts:
BiscuitDrama · 13/04/2019 11:09

So are you out as much as him? If not I would start being.

BiscuitDrama · 13/04/2019 11:10

Ah I missed you have your own children.
So is there much point to him being there?

LemonTT · 13/04/2019 11:15

I don’t think you built a relationship before having a child. You certainly didn’t get to know one and other. Now you know more about him and his feelings for you. He isn’t interested in parenting a young baby, he has no empathy or understanding of your situation and he is selfish. Maybe you should have looked at his past relationship and how he parented the children he already had. By the sounds of it he is doing the bare minimum by having them 3 evenings a week but not overnight. That’s babysitting.

What are your living arrangements, is the property in your name? Because you may as well be single and on your way to independence than living with someone whose behaviour towards you is demoralising.

Original poster
littlemouser · 13/04/2019 11:26

He's fighting his ex in court for more access with his kids.

I'm a complete mug aren't I. I've been an idiot.

OP posts:
sevenyears · 13/04/2019 11:30

When he says, I’ll cancel the gym, say go on then. He doesn’t need to go every night does he? What involvement does he have with his own baby?

Btw I know plenty of men who suddenly joined a gym and got fit and active when they had small children to avoid being in the house or going home from work, exh included.

kamikazeshady · 13/04/2019 11:32

I can totally empathise with this. When I was with my ex husband, he did the same albeit slightly different circumstances. We had our first child together when we had been together 5 years. I had a son of my own. He'd decided to join the army without any thought of what I wanted. So that meant he was gone Monday to Friday. Would try and come home weekends, (he really wasn't that far away) and when he came home he'd go out or he'd decide to stay at work and go out with his mates. He was so useless. He was actually better before our son was born. When he was home, he'd do fuck all. He ended up not bonding with our son. Safe to say I'm going through a divorce now. Now he only sees his kid in a contact centre because social services said he had no relationship or bond with his son so it wasn't suitable for him to have him for longer periods until the relationship built up again.

missmouse101 · 13/04/2019 11:40

Yes, cancel the gym. Fgs, loads of us had to give up our hobbies, desires and spare time when we had children. Or is it just because he's a man that he thinks he can carry on as before?

Sarahjconnor · 13/04/2019 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigchris · 13/04/2019 12:50

Now you know why he's not with his ex anymore

Why is he trying to get more access with his other kids ? What access does he want and who will look after them ?

LemonTT · 13/04/2019 13:05

OFFS, why does he need to be told, he is at least 3 kids into this. It’s not his first foray into parenting or even second. He knows the score and chooses to ignore it unless told what to do. Another tick on the wrong side because it shows he won’t even be responsible for his own decisions. He gets to shaft that onto you too.

Sorry but you need to forget about relying on him in any other way than providing money to raise his kids. Parenting is an abstract concept for him and if he does get more access he will not stop going to the gym. He will leave the children with you. He probably didn’t try before because it got in the way of his life. Now he has you to do the difficult bits for him.

The fact he even got with you and had another baby before sorting out the access with his existing children tells you were his priorities are.

HollowTalk · 13/04/2019 13:36

You need to get yourself out of this situation as quickly as you can. He sounds like a child and I bet his demand for extra access is linked to paying his ex less money, too.

Whose house is it?

ScrambledSmegs · 13/04/2019 13:40

You're the unpaid childcare. You had a baby with him so now he thinks you can't/won't leave.

You can.

ArkAtEee · 13/04/2019 13:45

Yes get him to cancel the gym. When our child was that small, my partner would be out one night a week with friends and did fitness activities during lunch hour. Also I got a lie-in one weekend morning even when I wasn't working outside the home as it was acknowledged I had the harder job. It was a busy time and we both made sacrifices.

Your partner is very selfish and low on empathy; as others have mentioned, he's not new to this and knows how much work it is. Sounds like short-term you need to be very firm with him and long-term you should prepare to leave the relationship.

ineedaholidaynow · 13/04/2019 13:49

Do his children ever stay overnight? Do you have them at the weekend?

ALannisterInDebt · 13/04/2019 13:49

*You're the unpaid childcare. You had a baby with him so now he thinks you can't/won't leave.

You can.*

This x 10000

justasking111 · 13/04/2019 14:06

So he and his ex. are expecting a free babysitter. Well knock that on the head, tell his ex. you are not prepared to look after their kids.

Original poster
littlemouser · 13/04/2019 14:08

I really thought I'd walked into this with my eyes open. I have absolutely no fear of being on my own, in fact my life would run a lot smoother without him. I guess my concern is that it's recently changed to a joint lease on private rental and he could refuse to leave. Everything in the home is mine. I've worked so hard to make my children and home happy and i dread the upheaval this is going to cause

OP posts:
justasking111 · 13/04/2019 14:17

Tell him his ex. and the court that you are not having his kids let alone for more time. If he really wants his kids more he will move out.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 13/04/2019 14:18

This is the hardest time in lots of relationships - it might work out still. Worth trying to get some time together and seeing how you feel rather than just assuming the worst. Some of us are probably projecting our experiences and you maybe otherwise happy with him. But if he doesn’t change then there’s very little point to being in a relationship and feeling so alone.

Sending un mumsnetty hugs x

LemonTT · 13/04/2019 14:53

I don't think anyone is projecting anything here. The opposite in fact, this is not the way even half decent fathers behave.

OP if you already had children before this and within 19 months brought this man and his existing brood into your home then avoiding upheaval is a boat that has sailed.They are living in upheaval. Now you need to put things right because this is a really poor example of adult life.

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