DP ALWAYS OUT OF THE HOUSE

[littlemouser]

Looking for some other opinions on a problem I have. DP and I have been together 17months and have a 3 month old baby together. I am on mat leave and he works 5 days a week 9-4 and the occasional weekend night as a musician. I feel like he's never here....he goes to work, comes home and has dinner then goes off out to the gym. Leaving me again with sorting my own children or bed (fair enough) and trying to wash/make/feed bottles. By the time he's back the baby is usually getting put to bed (and me too for that matter, I'm exhausted)
This happens every night of the week. We also have his children here 3 evenings, he goes to the pub after work on a Friday and goes out with his friends most Sunday afternoons. There is NO downtime. There is no us time. I tried having this out with him yesterday and instantly was met with 'fine I'll just cancel the gym', 'what do you want me to do', you tell me what to do.
I'm not being drawn into this, I'm not going to be the person that says what I think he should do for him to throw it in my face down the line. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to give more time to us as a family? I mean our baby is only 3 months. I feel like I am always on my own

This is appalling. You have recently given birth, and yet he has no desire to be with you and the baby, or to help in any way.

He is behaving like a single man and his priority is going to the gym. He will spend time with his other children when they come over, but then heads straight to the gym. Has he always spent so much time there? Are you sure that is where he is going?

It is troubling that he totally disregards your feelings about his absence, and actually gets hostile to make you back off when you try to discuss it.

He is treating you with such contempt. I would be making plans to separate.

I agree with the two PP above.

He obviously is hoping to get 50:50 contact with his elder children and you will serve as bottle washer etc, whilst he swans out to the pub/gym/nights out.

You and your children are worth much more than this.

Firstly, tell him to cancel his gym membership and that he is to remain at home whilst he has contact with his elder children. I would then use that time, to do something yourself (go out) or spend 1:1 time with your elder children.

He may rise to it, or he’ll either make an excuse as to why it won’t work or do this for a while (especially as he is going to court) and then slip back into his old ways.

What you need to decide is, what is right for you and your children? Being alone and single parent or burdened with all the wife work of a blended family for someone who couldn’t care less...?

Op, people are tough with you because you didn't show insight or understanding to how you have impacted your children.

However if you regret what you have done then it is time to correct the situation..staying with him won't be the answer. It would be best to admit it was a mistake to get involved and move on without him in your lives.Your children will learn more by this rather than staying with a man who clearly is just a user.

Sadly I think he will also try to take you to court so whilst your child is so young he has less chance so it is best to act now. Start recording how infrequently he is around.

Re the house, can you get advice from housing organisations? Don't let this be the reason to stay.

He's clearly checked out and just using you to take care of him and his kids.

I bet he was like this with his first wife too.

The only thing you can do is make plans to leave or have him leave when you're ready.

@littlemouser I really feel for you. Going out to the gym 3 nights a week isn't normal for a dad with a 3 month old baby - he's being a selfish prick. Insist he cancels and does his share. If you can't - make plans to leave. You need to be crystal clear with him and follow through as he is massively taking advantage of you.
I agree that he is likely seeking more contact with his kids to avoid paying any maintenance (although 3 nights a week is close to 50 50 anyway where he wouldn't be liable for any).

although 3 nights a week is close to 50 50 anyway

It's three evenings, so no overnights and he goes to the gym once he's dropped his kids home.

This isn't 50/50.

Oh I didn't realise they don't stay overnight, sorry

I don't think There is nastiness and cattiness. A large part of the problem was the relationship was very new when you both decided to proceed with bringing a child into it, and are now learning who each other are. It's still a very new relationship and it sounds like neither of you are happy.

No baby and you'd probably just have split, but now you both feel trapped. His answer is to fuck off out of it as much as possible, you don't have that option currently so are trapped in a different way.

I think both of you need to sit down and talk. When the kids aren't there. And accept it's not working out for either of you as it is. So how do you proceed.