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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP ALWAYS OUT OF THE HOUSE

59 replies

littlemouser · 13/04/2019 10:45

Looking for some other opinions on a problem I have. DP and I have been together 17months and have a 3 month old baby together. I am on mat leave and he works 5 days a week 9-4 and the occasional weekend night as a musician. I feel like he's never here....he goes to work, comes home and has dinner then goes off out to the gym. Leaving me again with sorting my own children or bed (fair enough) and trying to wash/make/feed bottles. By the time he's back the baby is usually getting put to bed (and me too for that matter, I'm exhausted)
This happens every night of the week. We also have his children here 3 evenings, he goes to the pub after work on a Friday and goes out with his friends most Sunday afternoons. There is NO downtime. There is no us time. I tried having this out with him yesterday and instantly was met with 'fine I'll just cancel the gym', 'what do you want me to do', you tell me what to do.
I'm not being drawn into this, I'm not going to be the person that says what I think he should do for him to throw it in my face down the line. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to give more time to us as a family? I mean our baby is only 3 months. I feel like I am always on my own

OP posts:
HopefulAgain10 · 13/04/2019 16:45

So you've been with him for 5 minutes, had a baby and shipped him into your older kids lives as well. Cant you see where you've gone wrong here?
Dump him, take a breather before jumping with someone else so soon again.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/04/2019 16:57

I really thought I'd walked into this with my eyes open

Really?

It rarely works out when having a child with a person after a few months dating as there's no time to get to know each other let alone form strong bonds. It's the children who are left with the pieces afterwards.

OldWomanSaysThis · 13/04/2019 17:05

The bottom line is if he wanted to spend time with you, he would. If he wanted to spend time with his new baby, he would.

He doesn't so he doesn't.

Mintandthyme · 13/04/2019 17:08

How many children do you have ?

DeeCeeCherry · 13/04/2019 17:27

This man already knows what family life with kids is. & hes not interested in it. Also if someone wants to be with you and by your side then they will be. You wont have to beg or plead or argue or cajole. His actions are telling you who he is. This, too:

The fact he even got with you and had another baby before sorting out the access with his existing children tells you were his priorities are

You dread upheaval but you're going it alone anyway as he's opted out of family life. & What if you choose to stay with him then he doesnt actually choose to stay with you? Its an awful thing and so rude and selfish of him but, the best you can do when a man shows his disinterest is, make your own life plans.

Hopefully youre not going to look after his kids

Im wondering if he wants to up the contact hours to more than 50% so he can seek alternative. accommodation based on that. I know a guy who did this and got a residence order and then applied to local council for re-housing incorporating space for his children as they were (supposedly) with him 50% of he time. He got it, too.

Your man is never around why would he want more time with his kids? Noting hes not even around to spend time with his newborn.

He needs to move out. Youre not married and dont own a home together so youve not got all that to sort out. He can rent somewhere else have his kids round there. I bet he wont bother, as youre not around to facilitate.

He's a loser. You dont have to be. Life for you would probably be easier without the angst hes causing.

Original poster
littlemouser · 13/04/2019 17:38

For everyone who is criticising my having a baby with him after a few months, it wasn't a planned pregnancy. I hadn't been well for several weeks and my pill failed. My fault I know, but I never even thought about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemouser · 13/04/2019 17:40

And both sets of children already knew each other for a few years. We knew each other through them for a while

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 13/04/2019 17:45

You hardly went in to this with your eyes open...
You knew him for all of 5 minutes, moved him in, unsettling your existing children and added a baby to the mix. It is common knowledge that the pill can fail if you have been unwell, so you should have taken extra precautions. Did you ever consider your children in any of this?

Mintandthyme · 13/04/2019 17:49

I think in your heart of hearts you know you are going to be a single parent to this new baby before too long.

kamikazeshady · 13/04/2019 18:23

Wow, there are some seriously harsh comments on here. Really not necessary.

RomanyQueen1 · 13/04/2019 18:29

You had a baby with someone you just met who already had children from another partner, who he is no longer with and you are wondering why he is doing the things he does? Hmm

sevenyears · 13/04/2019 18:35

Why does he want his children more when he is never at home?

Original poster
littlemouser · 13/04/2019 18:48

Wow. When I said I was looking for opinions I didn't mean to tear me to shreds. I'm fully aware of all my faults in this, what I have discovered though is to not count on fellow mums/partners/women for anything other than nastiness and catty remarks. I'm glad so many of you seem so damn perfect. I wonder how perfect all your lives are when you scratch under the surface a bit.

As for the few who commented and didn't judge, thank you. You are the type of people we need more of

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/04/2019 18:50

So he barely spends any time with your joint child, but is fighting for more access with his other DC? Does that make sense to you OP?

Why can't he do 2 nights and daytime at the weekend?

It sounds very much like an excuse to get out of doing anything.

SandyY2K · 13/04/2019 18:56

I'm fully aware of all my faults in this

You would probably have got different comments if you said this in your OP.

The kids knowing each other is very different to spending time as a blended family.

Did you observe how involved he was with his DC, before you formed a relationship with him?

justasking111 · 13/04/2019 18:57

I gave you the same advice I would give my DD no more babysitting his kids while he swans off. Tell him his ex. and the courts that you are not prepared to be in loco parentis. You need to draw a line and say no more. He needs to know this categorically.

You really have so much on your plate with a three month old.

kamikazeshady · 13/04/2019 19:04

@littlemouser honestly mate delete this app and run for this hills 😂😂 literally been on here less than a week and I'm stuck in awe and the rudeness of some people and those with a silver spoon up their ass or think they're better than everyone else. RUUUUUN

MaybeDoctor · 13/04/2019 19:09

What’s done is done. Flowers The glimmers of hope that I can see are:

He did offer to give up the gym, even if he was a bit petulant about it. He can go for a run instead surely? Go back to him and say that yes, it is a good idea Grin and you soooo appreciate it!

He doesn’t go out on the nights that he has his children here. No, he isn’t father of the year by a long stretch, but at least he is making some motions towards fatherhood. Even though they are fairly pitiful gestures.

I think your best course of action is to be really crystal clear about the support and relationship you need. Spell it out for him! Then see what he does with this information.

JaneEyre07 · 13/04/2019 19:14

There's a saying that when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

He's not interested in being a father; his needs come first last and in between.

Your choice is to shut up and put up - or walk away. But don't for one second think he will change, because he won't. In some ways, you're already doing this alone. I hope you find the right way forward for you Flowers

Sunonthepatio · 13/04/2019 19:30

Tell him absolutely to cancel the gym. He's trying to make you feel guilty about agreeing it.

Ask for what you want. If he then says no, don't try to change him, you will know where you stand. Assess your future from there.

AvengersAssemble · 13/04/2019 19:32

You need to kick him out, he is not into the relationship and you are just there as his childminder. No point in trying to put things right when the other party has already checked out. Don't be a doormat OP.

AvengersAssemble · 13/04/2019 19:39

OP take no notice of the MN perfect parents who probably have such shit personal lives they come on here to try make themselves feel important. Don't be discouraged by them, just tell them to fuck off!Wink

Honeyroar · 13/04/2019 20:37

I would start looking into how you can separate, how you can split the tennancy. Next time he throws that he will cancel his gym membership tell him you'd rather he cancelled the relationship. Tell him you've had enough.

DeeCeeCherry · 14/04/2019 00:49

He doesn’t go out on the nights that he has his children here

MaybeDoctor thats nothing commendable. He SHOULD go out - with his children. He can go out to the gym cant he, so whats wrong with cinema or park or a meal etc, a fun activity with his children?

So many men stay in because. their partner is there to help facilitate the visit so its easier for him. God forbid he should go out and actively spend one-one time with his offspring.

Seems as if hes the only one to get Me time. His children dont, and OP definitely doesn't.

I think you may be better off without him OP. He's absented himself and thats beyond nasty. You dont have to lower your bar - raise it and get rid, because you can and will do better. Youve a new baby, this should be your bonding happy time yet hes cruel enough to spoil it with his behaviour.

& that isnt to say get rid of him immediately, because often real life doesn't work like that. But you'll know when the time is right.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 14/04/2019 02:04

I’m not going to “tear you to shreds” but that timeline is shocking (and that’s before you throw in the fact-bomb that you had existing children to consider before you started doing the tango that is merged families)

However, what’s done is done and the situation you are in sounds crap.

I laughed when you said he was taking the ex to court for more access...

Presumably this is just so he can avoid making any CSA payments? And presumably he will expect you (aka Dobby the house elf) to cook, wash, clean, generally look after them...?

The reality is you have had a baby with a stranger who already isn’t a great dad (or partner) from the sounds of it.

Tell him yes, cancel the gym and insist on some time off for yourself - I’d use this time to think about how you can separate.

I’d also be moving heaven and earth to stay in employment (ie return after maternity leave)

Good luck as it sounds miserable and the faster you untangle this the better (for you and your children)

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