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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Kissed someone else 5 years ago

65 replies

Immyreeves91 · 12/04/2019 19:51

Hey all

Not sure what I’m looking for in posting this, wondering I guess if anyone’s ever been in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for six years now - we live together, have our own home and are generally very happy. About a year into our relationship, I got extremely drunk at a work leaving party (actually went downstairs into the toilets to get sick and then came back upstairs) and ended up kissing a colleague, who I had never spoken to previously but who I was aware of. He kissed me, and it lasted about 5 seconds. He is a right sleaze and asked me to go home with him, I said no and went home alone. In hindsight I should have told my boyfriend right away and I think after some upset that would have been the end of it. However, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The man left the company shortly afterwards and I also left not long after. We haven’t spoken since, not on social media or anything and I doubt I’m even on his radar. Nothing has ever happened since and for the most part I’ve managed not to think of it, but I have occasional moments when I actually wake up in the night feeling like a really disgusting, terrible person and so ashamed. I’m not trying to excuse myself but I’ve had some real issues with intimacy and sex in the past (before I met my partner), I used not to value myself at all and let things happen to me that I now regret, and I think what happened, passively letting something like this happen, was a leftover from that side of me. I feel that I have changed a lot in the past 5 years, one being that I have stopped drinking almost entirely, and I just wouldn’t let something like this happen now. But I feel very anguished imagining that if my partner knew of this he would disown me and feel violated. Please somebody tell me what I should do? I know I should have told at the time, but I’ve left it and left it and I fear saying something would mean the end for us and our lovely life together.

OP posts:
Amy326 · 12/04/2019 19:57

Oh my gosh you really need to stop beating yourself up over this, it was nothing and it was years ago! It’s not like you slept with him or had a full blown affair, and you’re not in contact now. Just forget it. There’s absolutely no point telling your partner about it, it’ll make it seem worse than it is that you’re still thinking about it so I would honestly just forgive yourself and move on!

AvengersAssemble · 12/04/2019 19:59

You forget it, it was a Merry Christmas peck, nothing more, end off.

Mommaof2x · 12/04/2019 20:00

It’s nothing tbh, chances are he will think it’s nothing if u tell him and will get over it.
Y don’t you say he kissed you and you pushed him off to ease it
If he’s ok then shove in yeah I didn’t know what was going on for 5 seconds

AvengersAssemble · 12/04/2019 20:00

Sorry meant Leaving party peck. Just move on OP, you are making yourself ill over nothing.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 12/04/2019 20:09

I used not to value myself at all and let things happen to me that I now regret

I think that worrying about this kiss is the anxious, self hating part of your brain using it as a stick to beat yourself with.

You don't need to tell your partner, and I honestly don't think you would feel better long term if you did. You need to process and come to terms with the things that you "let happen" when you were younger.

Right now, you are blaming yourself and beating yourself up because a sleazy guy at a party took advantage of someone who was so drunk they vomited. You feel to blame for "letting it happen" and have found all sorts of ways to make it your fault.

Could you find a therapist to talk this through with? I'm concerned that there are a few other, darker things that you blame yourself for "letting happen" and this kiss is standing in for them.

Hugs if you want them OP

waterrat · 12/04/2019 21:55

Op have you thought if having counselling ? I agree this is self hatred trying to undermine your happiness. It was nothing and nobody needs ever to know. Please forget it and forgive yourself

formerbabe · 12/04/2019 21:58

Just forget about it. It's nothing.

Candycats · 12/04/2019 22:02

This happened to me a long time ago while I was at uni. I told my then boyfriend at the time (while still very drunk) and to be honest I don't think it benefited either of us. I think I told him to unburden myself of the guilt but it just made him feel awful. Thankfully he was able to forgive me (and is now my husband!) but I do sometimes regret telling him. My point is telling him may not help anything, especially with it being 5 years ago. Please forgive yourself and allow yourself to move on Thanks

Angelinthenightx · 12/04/2019 22:03

Just forget what happend it was nothing and a long time ago, i think the fact that your feeling the way u are shows what a nice person u are, dont let this take over your life it really is nothing to be thinking & worrying about.

dragonflyflew · 12/04/2019 22:10

I never valued myself and was that passive person. You are not the same person now and neither am I. This was a one off that stopped as soon as it started. If you need to say something then do it but honestly I wouldn’t bother. You can speak to a counsellor or a friend or use this as a place to offload. You did nothing wrong and you feel terrible about it because it takes you back to those low self esteem ‘what the fuck have I done’ days.

FifisLovelyApron · 12/04/2019 23:29

If you were a terrible person you wouldn't have thought twice about it since it happened. Let it go.

RiversDisguise · 13/04/2019 05:19

I bet your boyfriend would be more grieved that you are tormenting yourself over something so trivial than at the kiss itself.

S021 · 13/04/2019 05:42

I thought this said ‘killed’ Grin

Try to move on OP Flowers

category12 · 13/04/2019 06:27

Don't tell him. It'd be difficult to believe you're this tortured by a drunken kiss so long ago and there isn't more to it.

As suggested by pp, counselling? This sounds like an intrusive, obsessive thought pattern.

FiveStoryFire · 13/04/2019 06:34

The kiss is not something you need to worry about.

user1493413286 · 13/04/2019 06:36

Honestly don’t beat yourself up; put it down to experience and move on. It was a long time ago and it’s time to move on and forgive yourself

MsTSwift · 13/04/2019 06:42

Gosh you’re very hard on yourself. We’re human you made a mistake years ago don’t tell him try to forget about it if you can’t I would speak to a counsellor

Marlena1 · 13/04/2019 06:55

I think if you tell him it will seem much bigger than it was. It really was nothing. And so long ago, I would have written it off.

StayingWithAuntySue · 13/04/2019 07:03

What would you say to a friend if she told you this? Doubt you would berate her. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to others.

Original poster
Immyreeves91 · 13/04/2019 07:27

Thank you all for your kindness. I do have a lot of self hate, and it probably is more general than this, dating back to things that I let happen to me when I was younger. I don't know why I find it so hard to move on but it's like my current self is a 'wholesome persona' and the real me is this slutty person. I can't afford counselling/therapy unfortunately - I wonder can anyone recommend a book on this sort of thing?

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 13/04/2019 07:38

So you kissed someone. The only problem here is you kissed him after you had been sick!

Aside from that, this is a non-issue.

Please just enjoy life Flowers

StayingWithAuntySue · 13/04/2019 08:38

It's isn't a 'wholesome' persona with the 'real' you hiding underneath- it is now YOU
We are all allowed to change and become who we want to be, you are a wholesome person because that's who you now want to be, let the old you go, 'she' is irrelevant.
Enjoy the person you were meant to be and if you can't afford counselling, try very hard to let thoughts of the past go, take a deep breath and decide to stop punishing yourself Thanks

MumsyJ · 13/04/2019 08:48

If you had done this last night, I would have said to tell your partner. Just move on, I know it's hard as you're the one wearing the shoes, but it's been 5 years and you're not even in contact with him ( I'm sure he moved on the day after the event ).

IvanaPee · 13/04/2019 08:52

I do have a lot of self hate, and it probably is more general than this, dating back to things that I let happen to me when I was younger.

OP, stuff that happens to us when we’re younger is not stuff that we “let happen” to us. Nine times out of ten anyway. Sad

Listen, you were vomiting then this sleazy guy took advantage of your drunkenness. You said no. He’s out of your life. It’s done.

You’re not playing at being a good person, you ARE a good person.

You didn’t cheat. You’re happy with your boyfriend. Please try to put this past you. I would say forgive yourself but you didn’t do anything to be forgiven!

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 13/04/2019 08:53

You keep using the phrase "let happen" to describe traumatic events when you were younger. May I be honest? This self blame is very common to abuse survivors - they are filled with guilt and shame and feel that they must be the one at fault for not "stopping" the person/people who assaulted them. They are often also extremely harsh about their past self, using words like slut and whore to describe their own behaviour. This is because it is (weirdly) easier to frame this as "I was a slut who let things happen that she could have just said no to" than "I was vulnerable and the people around me, rather than looking after me, sexually exploited that vulnerability".

Please don't feel like you have to go into detail with us here but please really do consider therapy to explore these events in your past. I think you are carrying a lot of shame over things that were not your fault.

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