Kissed someone else 5 years ago

[Immyreeves91]

Hey all

Not sure what I’m looking for in posting this, wondering I guess if anyone’s ever been in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for six years now - we live together, have our own home and are generally very happy. About a year into our relationship, I got extremely drunk at a work leaving party (actually went downstairs into the toilets to get sick and then came back upstairs) and ended up kissing a colleague, who I had never spoken to previously but who I was aware of. He kissed me, and it lasted about 5 seconds. He is a right sleaze and asked me to go home with him, I said no and went home alone. In hindsight I should have told my boyfriend right away and I think after some upset that would have been the end of it. However, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The man left the company shortly afterwards and I also left not long after. We haven’t spoken since, not on social media or anything and I doubt I’m even on his radar. Nothing has ever happened since and for the most part I’ve managed not to think of it, but I have occasional moments when I actually wake up in the night feeling like a really disgusting, terrible person and so ashamed. I’m not trying to excuse myself but I’ve had some real issues with intimacy and sex in the past (before I met my partner), I used not to value myself at all and let things happen to me that I now regret, and I think what happened, passively letting something like this happen, was a leftover from that side of me. I feel that I have changed a lot in the past 5 years, one being that I have stopped drinking almost entirely, and I just wouldn’t let something like this happen now. But I feel very anguished imagining that if my partner knew of this he would disown me and feel violated. Please somebody tell me what I should do? I know I should have told at the time, but I’ve left it and left it and I fear saying something would mean the end for us and our lovely life together.

Op, if you're a survivor of sexual abuse as a child, young person or adult, there are a variety of services you could access. It's not uncommon to feel like you're a slutty person or that you let it happen afterwards. Rape crisis, Rainn, the Survivors Trust, Women's Aid, any of them might be able to offer you support.

Something else happened when we had been going out for a fortnight or so. I let a man I vaguely knew have sex with me - I know that is odd phrasing and makes me seem passive and without responsibility, but it was a case of him lying me down on the bed and having sex with me. I lay there feeling ill. Again, really can not explain why I did this as there was absolutely no pleasure or excitement or anything in the act - I was 20 years old and did not know how to say no or even think about saying no. I can’t understand it, as the current me would say ‘what the fuck’ or I certainly hope I would anyway. I know people will say I seem like I am saying I was detached and removed from these encounters to avoid responsibility - but I have to put all this down to my emotional state at the time. I could forgive myself if it was an ex but as it is this is a stain on our very early days together. I suppose this is why I feel so guilty about the kiss a year later, because it seemed to confirm something about my essential character. As I said, nothing has happened since that kiss and I would never even put myself in a situation where I’m with men on my own again because of this vulnerable side of myself.

Freezing is a common reaction, it's not just fight or flight. Be kind to yourself, op. Think about talking to one of the charities I mentioned above.

Oh op, you are very hard on yourself. Your brain and body are very good at keeping you alive, and this doesn't always involve priming you to fight. Google dissociation and compliance. Often if we feel vulnerable our first instinct is to comply in order to survive. Our brain disconnects us from our bodies to protect us. This sounds very much like that. It is very common if you have been hurt as a child, but is an adaptive response even if you haven’t. I’d really advise some counselling. It can be expensive but you are worth the investment. If you really cannot allocate any funds for this, maybe speak to your gp? Be kind to yourself op.

This is a not uncommon reaction - freezing when faced with a threat is a survival strategy (and often an effective one to minimise physical damage). But looking back, you think "why did I just let that happen?" when the truth is you sensed that resisting would be ineffective and possibly lead to greater danger. The general narrative is that, faced with rape it would be better/nobler to fight and fight, even if you ended up bruised and with missing teeth and with broken bones, rather than "give in" but your body's evolutionary strategy is unconcerned with notions of "honour" and is just trying to minimise damage to itself.

It is (tragically and outrageously) not uncommon for women to comply with sex because the unspoken alternative is rape. The victim knows that this is not a case of simply saying "actually, I don't feel like sex" and being instantly and politely respected. So they comply because this is the quickest and safest way to get through the encounter.

OP, I'm so sorry that you experienced this - it was not your fault and you are not "slutty" or "easy" or any other unkind word. You survived an extremely dangerous situation in the best way you could and you are in no way to blame for anything.

You poor sweetheart

You are not to blame xxxxxxxx

Please stop being hard on yourself. You were taken advantage of both times. I wonder if you could talk to someone? I know you say you cannot afford counselling but I am sure if you googled it there are free counselling services where you make a donation. It might help to talk it through.

Whenever I feel guilty about something I try to analyse why I did it and make a plan for how to avoid doing it again.

And then I try to encourage myself to let it go because I have paid the price in guilt and know I will do my best to avoid it in the future. Also if I'm feeling extra guilty I donate a small amount to a charity relevant to whatever I'm feeling bad about.

For example I was still feeling bad about rehoming my dog years after the event. So I reflected on my guilt and then donated £10 to a dog charity for that breed of dog.

It actually works because you have paid through your feeling bad and then literally paid - you cannot do anything more to pay. Maybe a charity for empowering women in some way or donating something you don't want to charity - it doesn't even have to be expensive. You're then making something good out of the guilt you feel.

What happened was tiny and such a long time ago. You are sorry it happened and you have 100% paid with your guilt. I hope you can feel better about it in time.

Hi again everyone, thanks for being so kind. I'm booking an appointment with a therapist to deal with some of these past issues. I am still struggling with this though to the extent I'm waking up in the middle of the night feeing honestly like I've committed a terrible sin. It's more the sleeping with somebody else weeks into our relationship and not even being able to explain why beyond I was a vulnerable/stupid 20 year old who didn't know my partner would come to mean so much to me. I know telling him would hurt him and I feel it will mean the end of us. I can't bear this but I also can't bear living a lie, I feel deceptive and worthless. What would your honest reaction be if you found out that your husband/partner had cheated in the early days of a relationship and concealed it for years?

Do don't any telling him until you've had some counselling.
I think you've been taken advantage of and hopefully talking to someone about it will help you see this.
Sex 2 weeks in (or maybe even rape from what you have written), at the age of 20, is not a hideous crime on your part. You weren't even serious with your partner back then.
And as for a 5 second kiss 5 years ago. It's not healthy to think about this like you do.
If you feel the absolute need to tell him then please do so.
But I really do recommend you wait until you've had some therapy.

I agree with PP’s, it sounds like you were taken advantage of, also 2 weeks after getting together you can’t have known the relationship would turn into anything serious. I would let it go now and forget about it. You have moved forward and have a happy life!

OP, please hang on until you've had a good few sessions with your therapist before making any decision about telling him.

Be aware that sometimes it takes a few goes to find the right therapist or type of counselling for yourself, and that it can bring things to the surface and make things feel worse to begin with. It would still be a good idea to get in touch with Rape Crisis or the Survivors Trust to get all the support you can.

What would your honest reaction be if you found out that your husband/partner had cheated in the early days of a relationship and concealed it for years?

Actually, the question, is how would I react if I found out my partner had survived a coercive sexual encounter and felt so ashamed he never told me until years later? I would feel desperately compassionate towards and protective of him, I would be filled with hatred towards the person who had done that to him, and I would do whatever I could to support him in processing what happened.

But I agree with other posters - you don't have to tell him ever, and certainly not before you have found some therapy /support. I worry that right now, you are using this as a way to punish yourself, and want to deliberately destroy your relationship because you feel that you "don't deserve him" or similar. Don't give in to that self hating impulse - you are worthy of love and support and compassion.

To me it sounds like you might have low self esteem - things are going well for you at the moment and you don't feel like you deserve good things. You think this new 'wholesome' you is a lie and really you are still truly 'slutty'. This memory is haunting you now as you feel like it is the one thing that will disprove the legitimacy of your now happy life, and reassure you that yes you deserve misery after all.
In reality, humans are far more complex than being 'wholesome' or 'slutty', those are just pointless labels.

I think this obsession is your low self esteem talking. If it wasn't this you'd probably find something else to beat yourself up for to remind you that you don't deserve this happiness you have now.

I think therapy to work on your self esteem sounds like a great idea. Don't lose everything you've built in your life because of negative self-beliefs which are likely formed when you were young in situations you had little control over.

Op I've been with my husband ten years and hand on heart if he told me he had slept with someone a couple of weeks after we met it would mean absolutely nothing to me

Also I was 30 when I met him -you were so young. It's natural that things like that happen in early days. Honestly. Please forgive yourself.

@KittyInTheCradle @waterrat thanks both - it is low self esteem and it's also a deep sense of dissonance that I experience whenever my bf says he loves me, or when he does something nice for me. I hope therapy helps but if not I am thinking of writing a long letter explaining everything, leaving it for him to read and then booking myself into a hotel somewhere with my phone off for a few days. If he decides that he cannot get beyond this, at least I can move forward authentically. I don't know why this has flared up so much recently to the extent that I feel physically sick, as I've managed not to dwell on it for years.

OP you are trying to sabotage your relationship because you feel so scared by being loved. It's making you want to run away.

It may be at some point the right thing to tell him - but not in the way you describe. Have therapy and discuss this = I have had therapy myself for really deep rooted issues and it completely transformed my life - but it took about a year to get there.

"But your partner has intentionally used a naked woman for his own sexual gratification."

I really don't think this is the point of the dance, any more than a woman with a black rubber cock hanging around her neck on her hen-do could reasonably be accused of selfishly intending to pleasure herself as an alternative to sex with dp. The whole stag-do stripper thing is, for most men, I suspect, just a silly ritual. Tasteless, deffo yes.

I really don't think that's a good way of telling him, it's almost guaranteed to be disastrous. Don't let your anxiety over this rule you.

@category12 disastrous to do it by letter or to go away for a few days? I can't imagine being able to broach it in person.

I could of written your post.

I met my current partner, who turned out to be the love of my life, whilst I was in a spiral of self harm and hate. Weeks into us 'seeing' each other I slept with another man whilst drunk and he found out. He understood that it was something I regretted and was beating myself up about because it 'wasnt me'. We are now 7 years along. Please let it go, you need to stop trying to hurt yourself even years after. Forgive yourself more importantly.

You are worthy of love, please dont think that you arent. I think therapy is a good step for you and would recommend waiting until you have spoken to an impartial person before confessing everything.

x

Going away and switching off your phone. I know you're really scared but doing a disappearing act would be a really bad idea.

Just hold on, talk to a counsellor or therapist.

For some reason, you're dying to press a self-sabotaging self-destruct button. Is there anything else going on in your life that could be triggering you?

Just wondering if you've ever had these similar feelings about anything else? Like fixated on a thought/intrusive thoughts/rumination? It sounds a little bit like you could have some kind of anxiety disorder... like OCD or GAD.

Just wondering as the need to tell partner about this could be seen as 'reassurance seeking', which is actually not helpful if you do have an anxiety disorder, because it gives legitimacy to the thought/fear.

It could be what you are experiencing as a fear/guilt (my boyfriend might leave me if he really knew what I did) could be a way of your mind acting in an anxious response to hope (I want a long happy life with my boyfriend who I love and who loves me)

@KittyInTheCradle yes this is exactly it - I've always been anxious but last time I felt like this, waking up in the night with a churning sensation in my brain and gut and overwhelming sense of doom, was years ago. The thing is though is that I don't think this thought pattern is wrong - fact is, I think he would leave. And so I face a choice between losing the love of my life or living inauthentically forever. I'm really sorry if I sound dramatic and like I just need to take a deep breath, but I can't help feeling like disaster is just around the corner whatever I do.

You're not being dramatic I really do relate as I have anxiety disorder myself. I myself am prone to 'catastrophising', feeling overly responsible and feeling like I could easily ruin everything!

I have found a combination of medication and therapy to be very helpful.

It is the anxiety which is telling you that you must act on this right now. In reality, there's no reason at all why you'd have to resolve this right now! As you said, this happened ages ago!

I'd say yes therapy is the best idea, and if you are able to delay the thought til you get therapy that might help... 'I've thought this through today, I won't revisit it until next week'.

Believe me, I know this is a lot easier said than done. But I really think it's the anxiety that's the issue, not what actually happened. I've 'confessed' to some reaaaaaaally weird stuff in my time, that I thought would be the be all and end all. But they weren't. And as soon as that situation was resolved, my mind would find something else to catastrophise about. Following the urge to confess actually reinforces the cycle...