Kissed someone else 5 years ago

[Immyreeves91]

Hey all

Not sure what I’m looking for in posting this, wondering I guess if anyone’s ever been in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for six years now - we live together, have our own home and are generally very happy. About a year into our relationship, I got extremely drunk at a work leaving party (actually went downstairs into the toilets to get sick and then came back upstairs) and ended up kissing a colleague, who I had never spoken to previously but who I was aware of. He kissed me, and it lasted about 5 seconds. He is a right sleaze and asked me to go home with him, I said no and went home alone. In hindsight I should have told my boyfriend right away and I think after some upset that would have been the end of it. However, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The man left the company shortly afterwards and I also left not long after. We haven’t spoken since, not on social media or anything and I doubt I’m even on his radar. Nothing has ever happened since and for the most part I’ve managed not to think of it, but I have occasional moments when I actually wake up in the night feeling like a really disgusting, terrible person and so ashamed. I’m not trying to excuse myself but I’ve had some real issues with intimacy and sex in the past (before I met my partner), I used not to value myself at all and let things happen to me that I now regret, and I think what happened, passively letting something like this happen, was a leftover from that side of me. I feel that I have changed a lot in the past 5 years, one being that I have stopped drinking almost entirely, and I just wouldn’t let something like this happen now. But I feel very anguished imagining that if my partner knew of this he would disown me and feel violated. Please somebody tell me what I should do? I know I should have told at the time, but I’ve left it and left it and I fear saying something would mean the end for us and our lovely life together.

This sounds like anxiety with purity themes, 'If I'm not perfect I'm ruined forever!'

I am writing a letter, not sure when I will have the courage to give it to him. I have come across other threads on here where it's happened to a woman (her partner telling her he cheated in the early days), and virtually everybody has said 'dump him he's disgusting' so not really sure what the difference is. I expect I will give him this letter, ruin my life and be at rock bottom for a good long while.

I expect I will give him this letter, ruin my life and be at rock bottom for a good long while

Is that what you want to happen? It sounds like you are deliberately pressing the self distruct button.

Why not ask your GP about help for anxiety and intrusive thoughts first? You can still tell your partner (if you want) but why not get some support before you take that step?

Actually, this reminds me of a shame/anxiety spiral one of my friends got into. He convinced himself that something had happened between him and a female friend at a party a year previously (it absolutely hadn't, as confirmed by the female friend in question) , and nothing would convince him not to "confess" to his girlfriend, since he was so sure he was unworthy of her love and deserved to ruin their lives together.

He did exactly what you want to do - wrote a long, rambling, self hate filled letter, gave it to her and then walked out.

What an absolute twat.

He was also a very ill and unhappy person who needed love, support and professional help (all of which he got, and is now happy married to the girlfriend). But honestly, it was about the most risky, dramatic and unnecessary way he could have gone about getting that help.

Pleasr don't write the letter and disappear for a few days. You started this thread to ask for help, and we've all told you that you both need and deserve it. Literally no one here has told you that what happened was bad, shameful or makes you unworthy of love and understanding. Take the next step and ask for some real world help from your GP.

You really need to step back and get some perspective here, OP. And I agree with others, you are using this to self-sabotage. Try, for your own sake, to step back and view this objectively as if you were your closest friend (and viewing yourself as your friend is something you need to start doing becauseyou hate yourself) You were drunk, you’d been vomiting, Mr Office Sleeze tried to take advantage of you - he hit on you. You SAID NO.

What you need to ask yourself is why you are determined to ruin your own happiness or even if you are truly happy in this relationship (in which case if you’re not do something about it but not by dropping a nuclear bomb and then walking out)

It’s much easier said than done, I suffer horrible guilt/shame and anxiety over all manner of things and am constantly doing things to keep myself stuck - but you really do deserve to treat yourself better than this.

Have a look at imposter syndrome and see if it rings a bell.

Op, please talk to someone before you do anything like giving him the letter.

Consider your boyfriend in this. You're talking about dumping a lot on him, of things you yourself haven't even begun to deal with, and then running away and going incommunicado on him.

If you want to end the relationship, there are less messy, and sorry, but less cruel ways of doing it.

Write your letter, take it to a counsellor.

@category12 I don't want to end it, I want the opposite! I honestly want to marry this man and have children with him but I feel I have this terrible dark secret hanging over me and overshadowing everything.

I don't want to run off. I want to write the letter as I can express myself better and get everything down that way, and then I will come back when he wants me to talk.

I will come back when he wants me to talk

In the nicest way, don't you think that's a bit selfish? Dump all this on him, and expect him to do the reaching out? At least be there while he reads it.

But honestly, seriously, please contact someone for some support. Rape Crisis, your GP, a counselling service - you need and deserve help dealing with your experiences.

I think just giving him a letter and buggering off is not a great start, if you are wanting to admit to him then you need to stay and face the music so you can work through it together. This may give you a greater chance at working it out rather than taking the cowards way.

I stand by what I have said previously though, ignoring all other posts on mumsnet and just focusing on yours. You have beaten yourself up for to long, go get some help, get healthy with your thoughts and then you can decide if you want to tell him. At the moment I think you are just using it to self sabotage because you dont feel worthy/dirty. Which is bollocks.

I don't want to end it, I want the opposite!
Yes, love, but the way you're planning on dealing with it, is really self-sabotaging and destructive.

And it just seems like you feel you don't deserve to be happy, so you're hellbent on telling him in quite a cruel way, by the dump and run.

You're letting your anxiety about it and desire to offload do your decision making, not what's best for him or yourself. It's all about your misplaced guilt and self loathing. Where are his feelings in this, when you're contemplating switching off your phone and hiding?

Get yourself on a more even keel. Get some support with all this.

Following advice on here, I have decided not to tell partner about any of this as I don’t know what good dredging the last up would do now. However I went to therapy and confessed that 2 weeks into our relationship I slept with someone else and am now obsessing over it, feeling like I am living a lie, and she seemed to be pushing me towards one day telling him. I just want to scourge it from my consciousness but it’s like I’m stuck on it. I have visions of being ‘found out’ one day far in the future and a real sense of doom.

I’ve also deleted all social media as I feel persecuted and had a nightmare last night that people from my past are watching me and laughing. I know I sound absolutely psychotic and this is absolutely ludicrous when written down.

Well, you know what you're feeling isn't right. I think you should go to your gp and talk about how you're feeling before you come to a crisis point.

Please get help.

OP, it sounds like you’re having a really tough time, why did you delete your social media because of a nightmare? Which wasn’t real?? How is your mental health these days? Are you okay?