Mean well or interfering in-laws?

[Belle33]

So, I have lived with my partner for the last 6 years. We are engaged and most of the time are very happy. My in-laws live less than 3 miles from us. My farther in-law comes round every morning, around 7.30am on weekdays and a little later at weekends. He returns in the afternoon and stays for a couple of hours. He does a few jobs like cutting the lawn, takes out bins and takes the dog for a walk. I feel like this is his second home and he enjoys being around us. My mother in law takes it on herself to come round once or twice a week to do my washing and ironing. She sometimes stays longer and cleans the windows or general housework. Whilst I appreciate their help sometimes I feel like my home is being invaded, sometimes after work I just want to chill out, play music and have a glass of wine which is difficult if my in-laws are here. My house sometimes I feel is not my home and I find myself going out to avoid them. They're passive aggressive in the sense that they hold it against me that they 'have' to do these things to keep the house ' in order' and I'm not cut out for domestic duties. The thing is, my partner and I are morethan willing and capable of doing all the things my in-laws do. Am I being ungrateful? I just wish they would get on with their own life and let us get on with ours. TIA!

How did this situation come about in the first place?. Your fiancé is key here in all this and he too is being completely walked over by his parents. They see you as two grown up kids unable to keep house and now you and he will have to do the difficult task of getting your house key back (and possibly now having to change the locks as well). I would also consider moving much further away from them, you need more distance both physically and mentally here.

What is to stop either of them going through your mail, other private papers, drawers with underwear in etc?. This is likely to be happening. You may still want to marry him but this will be your life with him going forward, they will be always in the foreground of your marriage. They will continue to want to charge about in your lives until you call a complete halt to this. Both of you need to present a united front.

I would think as well this has happened over a period of time by subterfuge in that this was sold as being helpful to you as a couple because you are both working. His parents feel you (they have not included their son in that comment) are not cut out for doing domestic duties!.

Your fiancé is key here. What does your man really think of his parents coming in to do such for you both?. Does he think they are being "useful"?.

I think tonight is you will see someone hanging around home - tomorrow you will be getting a new better lock fitted. Unfortunately it will only come with 2 keys. The sort you can't get copied. For insurance purposes you can't.

IE for cf purposes you aren't getting any cut!

OMG, I never anticipated such responses in the sense that I was unsure if my feelings were unreasonable and irrational. Turns out that it's inevitable for me to feel this way. My in-laws are elderly (but very active) and my partner feels like letting them 'help' is giving them a purpose in life. I just can't bring myself to speak frankly about it to them let alone changing the locks! Yes, totally was sold there attendance in our life is for a good, useful cause....I disagree. It's come about because me being 16 years younger than my partner, thus moving in to his house as opposed to finding a place together has given them a sense of entitlement and an empowerment to try and control us. I'd love to move away, I've been asking for years.

I couldn’t live like that. This is something that breaks relationships.

The solution here is to do the jobs before they arrive, hence meaning they don't need to do it.

Did they used to do the jobs before you moved in and they have carried on?

You need to put a stop to it today. It's not normal or healthy. You are being controlled and undermined. Your partner knows this isn't normal surely.
Next time one of them appears your partner should say thanks but no thanks. We can manage ourselves. If he won't then you tell them.

I would actually consider whether you want to marry your fiance at all now because this will continue to be your life with him going forward.

His parents need to find another purpose in life rather than clean his house (I would also think that the two of you going into theirs and doing the same would not at all be tolerated, let alone allowed to happen). This sort of thing can and does break up relationships. He has given his tacit approval into letting them into his home and do what they do.

You say his house as well; are you not named on these title deeds or mortgage?.

And you've been wanting to move away for years; I presume your fiancé has said no perhaps because of proximity to his parents. Apologies if I am incorrect here.

He is their man child and you are even younger therefore not capable of doing anything. This will only get worse after the marriage and they will take control of any children you may have.

Your DH will never grow up if they won’t allow him to.

Move away.

They probably did this when dp was living in his house on his own, and he accepted the help gratefully. Now that you are living there too, they don't see how anything has changed or why anything should change. In fact they're saving you a lot of money on window cleaning, dog walking etc.

Why don't you say to them how grateful you are, but you don't want to impose and that really you are quite capable of doing all this stuff (despite your tender years!) Emphasise that you don't want to take advantage, and they can relax now.

When they both turn up next - bundle them into the car and take them to a nice cafe for a "thank you breakfast " - then say their hard work has been wonderful - but now they should enjoy their time together instead of coming over to your home so much . Just be kind but firm - it's time for them now and you and your fiancé will enjoy taking over the jobs as the next step of your journey together.

Omg! This is insane! Your father in law comes over at 7.30 every morning?!?!! And the rest! Honestly this behaviour sounds so deeply entrenched I don’t see how you can change it beyond moving to a new house further away. What if you were naked?! Or having sex?!?? Only you know if you can put up with years more of this.

All great ideas...your all right. I can't keep living like this. My partner doesn't seem to see the error of his ways sometimes and I do think it's because his parents haven't allowed him to grow up. They have 2 other, older siblings who they don't even see that often, despite them living close too....what's that about? I think I need to have a frank conversation with them and him. I e forgotten what it's like to feel at ease at home, I'm a lodger and visitor in my own home and it shouldn't be this way. Thanks guys 😥

Have you seen the program ‘everyone loves Raymond ‘?

Don't say or do anything: it is not your responsibility to sort this mess, it's your partner's.

Why should you have the awkward conversation with them or need to take action? This gets him out of a tricky chat but also, conveniently, makes you the bad guy. Both he and the parents could turn round and blame you for any fallout.

First things first, a direct, honest, in-depth discussion with your partner. Cards on the table. You don't have to be mean, you sound like you don't mind his parents as people, it's just their intrusive behaviour you don't like.

See what he is willing to change and take it from there. If he will not do anything, why won't he? What does he think of you and this relationship? Why are you the one with no choices?

If he will change the situation, how will he and when? Don't let it slide on.

OP Go out and buy the biggest bunch of flowers and a large bottle of scotch and take them to the inlaws...Say you cannot tell them how much you love them and how grateful you have been for all their help in the past but you have been talking with your partner and have decided that you can really manage and as you both appreciate them so much you do realize what a strain this constant odd jobbing is for them now they are getting older....you just both want them to relax and enjoy their lfe without feeling they need to unneccessarily help you....(utter rubbish but if you can do it it will be far better moving forward without any bruised egos!!)
Thing is in getting them to back off you have to stick to it..that means no asking them for just dog walking for example.or just cutting the lawns...
Then change the locks and keep your keys...you know after the spike in crime in your area....!!!!
It would be suffercating for me too so I get how you feel...just box clever and maybe invite them for dinner one night a week.
Also get your partner to either marry you or make sure you are legally protected with the house and pensions and stuff...it is vital..6 yrs engaged is a long time and a bit weird to me....you need to protect yourself,not saying anything untoward is happening or will happen but no one knows what is round the corner these days....
Best Wishes sent

Do you think the dad sees it as like a job, so he has a routine.

"They have 2 other, older siblings who they don't even see that often, despite them living close too....what's that about?"

There are reasons why that happened too. His siblings ultimately had enough of their interfering and or otherwise overbearing parents and said no more. Its another red flag re his parents here OP, this is all a part of your fiancé's dysfunctional family of origin's dynamic (based on power and control).

Your fiancé will have to do the same but he may well never choose to do so. On some level his parents coming in as they do works still for him. You're also bearing the brunt of their criticism by implying that you (not their beloved son here) are not cut out for doing domestic duties.

Wow OP.
I'd have been out of there years ago.
This is insane.
You've had some good advice.
But if things don't change could you move into your own place and just date.
Imagine when you have DC???
It's going to get worse then.
Your DP is not tackling this and he needs to.

I would move. Far away. This is way beyond fixable by gestures of gratitude, why would they suddenly acquire boundaries when they haven't so far?

I'd find this situation unbearable and would simply have to either put a stop to it or leave. I'm also concerned about you living long-term in his house. What would happen if you had children and broke up? I would have a good talk with him soon about how you're going to move forwards. Be clear about what you want for your life.

They’re doing this and “banking” their favours.
As they become older and infirm (probably), you will be expected to help and support them “after everything we’ve done for you”.
And it will be expected of you and not your DP as they are passively aggressively telling you what they are doing for YOU.

Your in-laws are not the problem.

@Windygate the ILs are part of the problem, regardless of OP DP's inability to tell them to desist, why exactly would the ILs want to do this? It's very unusual.

What a nightmare, you both need to stand together and stop this. A total invasion of your privacy. Big difference helping with a bit of diy or if you are ill but they are taking over your life.