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Relationships

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Original poster

Would it bother you that someone lied about their weight?

81 replies

occyyy · 10/04/2019 23:17

Hi,

Namechanged for this.

Met a guy online around a year ago now. We got on really well, but he was always very reluctant to meet up (we are from different countries) and it took about 3 months of regular phone calls and texts before I really felt super connected to him, to the point I couldn't think of anyone else. I was dating in real life and I felt bad because I didn't click like I did with any of them like I did with the guy online. However, like I say, very reluctant to meet which put me off. He said he had a lot on and would love to meet but has social anxiety ... I've seen Catfish and was just really put off. Especially as he only really sent a couple of face pics.

Anyway I kept talking to him because I genuinely loved our phone talks and then last month said he was coming here to meet. We met and it was bloody fantastic, exactly how I had imagined him. However he said that he had actually lost 6 stone over the period we had been speaking and that was the real reason for not meeting. AIBU for this to put me off? That he lied about that? Like he couldn't trust me to accept him how he was?

OP posts:

OoohAyyye · 11/04/2019 08:07

I can understand why he did it. Chatting and potentially dating someone gave him the motivation to lose weight.

But from reading your posts I think it's probably best you let him date someone who won't be so bothered.

pictish · 11/04/2019 08:12

Society is especially unkind and judgemental to those with weight problems. Many people have other addictions, compulsions, health issues, personal weaknesses and unhealthy coping mechanisms to declare but the difference is, you don’t know about it just by looking at them. Not so with the obese, whose issues are obvious, making them a sitting duck for disapproval and castigation in a bald and public way.
It’s a tough and humiliating life being fat.

I can understand why this chap didn’t let on. Speaking to you has obviously triggered something in him whereby he has decided that he needs to lose the weight in order to pursue a relationship...any relationship...without being terrified of (perhaps inevitable) rejection.

I’m not saying you owe this guy a chance. That’s up to you. You don’t get together with someone because they deserve a chance...you team up because you’re compatible and it feels right. I’m saying that there is a LOT of shame surrounding a weight problem so he kept it quiet while doing his best to slim down.

No one promotes themselves by declaring their sticky points. Being overweight isn’t worse than anything else. It’s simply more evident and therefore the greater crime in the eyes of other people.

StormcloakNord · 11/04/2019 08:13

Yeah I honestly think he deserves better. He didn't lie to be malicious, he didn't give you a specific weight. He said he was "average" which when he came to see you, he was.

He lost weight so he would be confident enough to meet you and now you're here trying to pretend its the "lying" that bothers you when actually you're just worried he'll get fat again.

Do this guy a favour and let him meet someone a hell of a lot nicer than you.

Loopytiles · 11/04/2019 08:18

You met him after he’d lost weight though, right? After time online chatting and talking on the phone, after he lied to you about his weight.

Loopytiles · 11/04/2019 08:19

Not wanting to date someone who has been obese, or who smokes, or whatever else doesn’t make one a bad person.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 11/04/2019 08:22

He's a really great guy but lying is my biggest no, no. I also do worry will he gain if all back on now we have met? Not sure about loose skin, didn't really think about that.

Puh-lease
Just be honest
dating an overweight person is a deal breaker for you - there is nothing wrong with that but let’s not go down the “he told a lie” route

JuniperNarni · 11/04/2019 08:22

If you don't get with someone on the basis they might gain weight then you might as well not get with anyone.

unique1986 · 11/04/2019 08:27

So how tall and big is he?
Was he over twenty stone before?
Is he slim now or average bit chunky?

cricketmum84 · 11/04/2019 08:30

Who says he doesn't have social anxiety.

Social anxiety isn't exactly helped by being different. Especially being overweight. That woman who just looked at me on the bus - she's wondering if I've taken up more than one seat. That man who looked over in the boarding queue - he's hoping he doesn't get seated next to me. That kid who stared when I was picking up a multipack of crisps for my family / he's asking his mum if I'm gonna eat them all.

The fact you are already asking yourself if he's going to put it all back on shows that you wouldn't have been ok with his size in the first place.

He deserves better.

DocusDiplo · 11/04/2019 08:32

Poor guy

mama1980 · 11/04/2019 08:33

Honestly this wouldn't bother me.
He had the determination to make changes to his life and wanted to impress you. These are good qualities.
I wouldn't be bothered by a white lie in this circumstance.

Zoflorabore · 11/04/2019 08:44

Hi op, your post has resonated with me as I've lived through a year of my ds losing 6st and the sheer and utter dedication it took him, still in school and studying for GCSE's and he still thinks he's fat :(

If this man is genuine ( and it sounds like he is ) then he was probably very embarrassed about being on a diet. Lots of men are and it's quite a taboo subject whilst us women can happily discuss different plans, calories etc.
Ds still has it in his head that he's big. It's definitely psychological and he's receiving help with it.

Please don't discount this man yet. My ds hasn't got any loose skin at all as combined his SW with going to the gym.

You obviously connected with the person before any photos were shared. This is him now. The old him doesn't exist any more.
Focus on the future and how you feel. It's very exciting and I wish you well

Dieu · 11/04/2019 08:48

I don't think he has done anything wrong. And as an overweight person myself, I can completely get where he's coming from.
Losing 6 stone probably wasn't easy, yet he did it for you, so that he didn't disappoint you in real life.
I honestly can't see why you'd feel let down by that

Dieu · 11/04/2019 08:51

It's honestly ironic that you would judge him now Are you sure you fancied him in person, as it sounds like you're looking for problems now?

mummmy2017 · 11/04/2019 08:53

So you meant so much to this man, he list 6 stone, it shows commitment to you....
Please give him a chance, it means he will be willing to put effort into the relationship, because he already has .
He did not lie to you... Had you asked he would have told you. ...

BillywilliamV · 11/04/2019 08:56

This is a non -question, just meet the poor sod and then see how it goes. He’s not asking you to marry him ffs.

stacktherocks · 11/04/2019 08:58

People criticising OP for judging this guy are missing the point. Dating isn’t an equal opportunities exercise. Everyone has the absolute right to make their own judgments on the attributes they want their potential partner to have. Would you be so unkind as to say OP is being judgmental for saying she didn’t want to date someone who lied about being a non smoker and then only met her when he’d quit?

OP gets to decide what she does and doesn’t want in a partner, if she doesn’t want a liar that’s fine. If she doesn’t want a smoker or a non smoker that’s fine, if she doesn’t want someone who has recently been morbidly obese that’s fine, if she doesn’t want someone who has a terminal illness that’s fine, If she doesn’t want someone unemployed that’s fine.

Having a go at her for being judgmental misses the mark. We’re all judgmental when it comes to choosing a partner as we should be, it shouldn’t be the expectation we have zero standards and aren’t allowed to have preferences.

Not to mention OP has said the lying is what has bothered her most, how hard would it have been to be honest? I’m overweight right now and don’t want to date until i’m at a healthy weight. Let’s meet in a few months and if you meet someone before then that’s the risk I’ll take.

It’s also not wrong to be wary dating someone who has recently had very serious weight problems, many people gain it back, it would be much harder to be in a relationship where someone piles the weight on (as in a LOT not just the odd stone or two but within a normal range) and then have to decide whether that’s something you are okay with or not (being fat isn’t a moral failing but I wouldn’t really want a long relationship with someone who couldn’t come on long walks with me or be a health role model for potential future children).

OP if this has put you off him just be honest about how the lying has scuppered things, if that truly is the main problem for you. He might not realise and might do it again in the future.

Lies so early on are a red flag whatever they’re about tbh.

stacktherocks · 11/04/2019 08:59

For those who think it’s a compliment would it not put you off he never lost it for himself? Just OP?

LetsSplashMummy · 11/04/2019 09:02

If you were okay with him putting off meeting up, I can't see this as worse. This is the nicest, sweetest reason for putting it off - he desperately wanted to make a good impression. If he had just been busy, not bothered etc. (like you thought before his confession) surely that would have been worse?

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 11/04/2019 09:06

Would you be so unkind as to say OP is being judgmental for saying she didn’t want to date someone who lied about being a non smoker and then only met her when he’d quit?

Yes if she was judging him for it.

For those who think it’s a compliment would it not put you off he never lost it for himself? Just OP?

No because sometimes you need something to motivate you.

If OP doesnt want to date him. That's fine.

But she is judging him and he was right to worry about being judged. OP is trying to pretend she isnt judging him when she is.

seven201 · 11/04/2019 09:09

I think I could forgive in this instance. However, you need to have a chat with him about how important being truthful is to you.

jelliebelly · 11/04/2019 09:09

FFS you really are overthinking this. You ve met somebody you really like, you have a great connection, he's told you the reasons why he didn't want to meet up earlier, meeting you has motivated him to change his lifestyle and lose weight - give him a chance!

Thingsdogetbetter · 11/04/2019 09:12

He didn't have to tell you the truth, but he did.

He didn't have to work his arse off and diet, but he did.

He didn't have to meet you, but he did.

Ok he lied at the beginning. But how was he supposed to know online chatting was going to turn into a full blown relationship?

Are you sabotaging OP?

And can you get his exercise and diet plan please?.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 11/04/2019 09:16

"But in MN land judging someone for weight makes you the bad one."

Lol you must be on a different website from me.

Whoops75 · 11/04/2019 09:22

Ye are not in a relationship yet, he doesn’t have to tell you everything.
This wasn’t a lie, it was information he didn’t share because it’s sensitive.
Your relationship has moved on and he has told you now so please don’t be cruel.

I think your excuse is weak
Take him as he is or not at all

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