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Original poster

Would it bother you that someone lied about their weight?

81 replies

occyyy · 10/04/2019 23:17

Hi,

Namechanged for this.

Met a guy online around a year ago now. We got on really well, but he was always very reluctant to meet up (we are from different countries) and it took about 3 months of regular phone calls and texts before I really felt super connected to him, to the point I couldn't think of anyone else. I was dating in real life and I felt bad because I didn't click like I did with any of them like I did with the guy online. However, like I say, very reluctant to meet which put me off. He said he had a lot on and would love to meet but has social anxiety ... I've seen Catfish and was just really put off. Especially as he only really sent a couple of face pics.

Anyway I kept talking to him because I genuinely loved our phone talks and then last month said he was coming here to meet. We met and it was bloody fantastic, exactly how I had imagined him. However he said that he had actually lost 6 stone over the period we had been speaking and that was the real reason for not meeting. AIBU for this to put me off? That he lied about that? Like he couldn't trust me to accept him how he was?

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 11/04/2019 01:17

that's quite a lot and I'm not being judgy when I say that at all

Yes. You are. You’re entitled to judge and find him lacking (or should I say gaining?) but at least bloody well own it.

He lied because of attitudes like yours. He was hoping you’d get to know him and not judge him for his size. He thought you liked him, he thought having lost the weight would be enough, he trusted you enough to tell you. Now you’re proving that his excess weight would have stopped you getting to know him. Gee What A Surprise. 🙄

pissedonatrain · 11/04/2019 01:24

You either like him or you don't.

Your reaction is EXACTLY why he didn't want to tell you.
Like others said, he's been harshly judged based on his appearance for as long as he's been overweight.

I've stalled off meeting or something from having a giant zit or a facial peel or not having my grey roots touched up; not because I'm lying or hiding but because I want to put my best self forward.

If he had said he was a lot heavier, you wouldn't have given him the time of day.

So yeah you would have and do judge him for having been overweight.

He was really smitten with you and it motivated him to lose all that weight!

It's quite an achievement.

I imagine there are annoying thing about you, that you have omitted.

So stay with him or not. He worked hard to lose it and if you don't appreciate him, guaranteed another woman will.

Raspberrytruffle · 11/04/2019 03:00

Maybe op he was ashamed of his weight and probably has been judged alot for it so I don't think he was intending to be deliberately sly. I'd take it as a complement that he liked you so much it motivated him to loose the weight to impress you. You need to be honest with him if you can't get past this and explain its because he hasn't been honest, I don't think he's been a bad person, and please find out before you dump his secret to loosing it so quick Grin

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 11/04/2019 05:21

You are judging him.

That's why he didnt say. Because hevisbused to being judged because of his weight.

If someone gain weight is an issue for you, you need to be careful. Anyone can put weight on.

category12 · 11/04/2019 06:12

But his social anxiety could have been directly linked to him being overweight, so not a lie?

But whatever, if it's a dealbreaker for you or you're not feeling it, then call it a day. You get to draw your own boundaries.

KooMoo · 11/04/2019 06:48

You say you’re not being judgy occyyy. But you are. That the whole premise of your post.

You’ve said he lied about his weight.

You’re questioning if he’s lied about anything else.
You’re wondering if he’ll put the weight back on.

All value judgements.

You forged a relationship with someone over the internet. When that happens the person becomes in part whom you want them to be in your minds eye. It sounds like he hasn’t made the cut.

From his perspective he wanted to be what he felt you were expecting and successfully lost 6 stones so as not to judged about being 6 stone heavier.

Let him go, he deserves someone who will value him as he is.

Pianobook · 11/04/2019 06:53

I think what he did was understandable. In your position I would be more worried about how you are going to sustain a relationship with a man you met online who lives in another country.

ukgift2016 · 11/04/2019 06:56

Omg give the poor guy a break.

Totally understandable what he did and wow, 6 stone weight loss...he must really like you.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 11/04/2019 07:04

I get what you mean OP

But in MN land judging someone for weight makes you the bad one.

Even though you have explained patiently that your main issue is that he lied about it

I would not have liked that either

But there is something very touching about his effort to live up to his lies, and lose the weight, just for you. Give him a chance

LynetteScavo · 11/04/2019 07:06

Well I've never met anyone who openly says "I'm fat" in real life. So many people use the words "slightly larger" etc, even though they must just know they're very overweight.

If you can't accept he wasn't up front about everything then move on. He was trying to sell himself to you, which is normal at the start of a relationship. He was hardly going to say "I'm six stone overweight, hardly ever wash and eat baked beans with my fingers" was he?

I think your looking for permission from MN to dump him.

Pianobook · 11/04/2019 07:19

Women on here are always advised not to share too much personal information at the start of a relationship as it creates false intimacy and it can make you vulnerable so I can understand that he wouldn’t tell you when you were just chatting online.

SammySamSam09 · 11/04/2019 07:19

I hope he finds someone nicer than you OP.

Loopytiles · 11/04/2019 07:21

If you’re looking for a relationship it seems pointless to message people overseas and to wait so long to meet up.

scratchyfluffface · 11/04/2019 07:31

Of course he didn't trust you to be OK about it, he didn't know you and people can be judgemental arseholes about others weight! I don't think he was unreasonable, and I don't think you should take it personally, he was probably just protecting his self esteem

Original poster
occyyy · 11/04/2019 07:35

To be honest I didn't meet him online in a dating setting. It was just through a mutual interest and we really did just hit it off, major chemistry after the first call to be honest, which sounds strange I know!

He is wonderful though and I did enjoy our time together. I suppose the fact he is in a different country doesn't help the situation, he is in Germany so not too far from England.

I think you're right actually, it is lovely that he did that to meet me and it feels lovely to know I mean a lot to him for him to want to go to that effort. Although he is very pleased he has done it for his own confidence.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/04/2019 07:40

Oh. Cmon. He was embarassed and didn't wish to tell you, he thought you'd not wish anything to do with him if you knew, and he had never met you. He didn't lie because he's malicious, he lied because he was embarassed.

azulmariposa · 11/04/2019 07:41

You need to watch some of the catfish series.
There is always a reason behind the not wanting to meet up.

Monty27 · 11/04/2019 07:44

Poor guy. Stop judging him. You either fancy him or you don't.
The weight omission is understandable.
A white fib?

IvanaPee · 11/04/2019 07:44

Actually I don’t think six stone is that much for a man. Is he tall?

Great achievement for him but I’m referring to you saying it’s quite a lot. A six stone loss will be easy enough for him to maintain if he sticks with it.

Is he still overweight now?

Tbh, I don’t think it means he’s a pathological liar or anything like it. He was obviously paranoid about it (and with good reason judging by your reaction!) so he did something about it then met when he was ready.

I feel a bit sorry for him.

Loopytiles · 11/04/2019 07:45

It’s not U or judgmental not to want to date someone who is or has recently been morbidly obese.

Don’t think it’s sensible to have had a phone/online relationship long distance without meeting in person. Unless you’re only looking for friendship or something very casual.

The “chemistry” may not have been there had you met in person or seen photos.

Loopytiles · 11/04/2019 07:46

I can understand why he lied/avoided meeting, but don’t think it was OK.

UCOinanOCG · 11/04/2019 07:52

He was probably embarrassed and ashamed of his size and didn't want to put you off at your early stage of chatting. He has set about losing weight in order to make a good impression on you. He hasn't omitted to tell you his weight for nefarious purposes. Give the man a break. He has will power and commitment. These are great qualities.

LetsDialDownTheIanPaisley · 11/04/2019 07:53

Are you gamers?

Original poster
occyyy · 11/04/2019 07:57

Not to be rude but I did say in my OP I saw Catfish and that's why I was originally really put off. I have MET this guy (also talking to the one saying it's not sensible to have a relationship without meeting/might not be chemistry there irl) I have met him and we in fact spent 4 days going around London together. Was fantastic, it's a shame he is back in Germany now though but we plan to meet again soon. I don't know, I just don't think it's okay to lie. I find it quite hard actually because I do really like him - it seems most think it's okay which is making me feel more positive but what other "white lies" are ok?

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 11/04/2019 08:02

But look how you’re reacting!

You’ve said that it bothers you. Not just the lying but the weight.

And this is very obviously something he’s used to so it could have been a self-preservation thing.

Look, we don’t know him. He could be a pathological liar. If it’s a deal breaker for you that’s fine, you’re not obliged in any way to see him again.

Maybe talk to him and tell him how much the lying bothers you.

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