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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband loves me but isn't in love with me

52 replies

Hjb2410 · 10/04/2019 21:13

That's what my husband told me on Mother's Day, that he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore.

I know there's never a good time to be told that but Mother's Day was the absolute worst, as it was my fourth Mother's Day with my mum after she passed away very suddenly.

I'm at a complete loss what to do or think.

We spent the first week of April awkwardly trying to act normal but not succeeding very well to this Monday my husband telling me he needed some space and time to get his thoughts together so has gone to his mums/ best friend.

I'm devastated.

We will have been together 6 years this week and will be our third wedding anniversary in July. I love him with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I feel in total limbo and that my life's on hold because he doesn't know whether he wants to be with me or not?

I'm considering us going to relate counselling however when I mentioned this to him he replied 'it's up to you' to wish I said no it's a joint decision if we want this marriage to work.

I agree we both need to make an effort at us spending more quality time together as we have both been incredibly busy and almost been like ships passing sometimes. So a few weeks ago I booked us an Easter break away to which he didn't disagree at booking and suggested at the weekend for us to go out for tea to which he didn't take me on. When asked about tea and why he didn't want to go he replied he didn't 'have the desire to go out for a meal with me'

I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do

OP posts:

ScreamingLadySutch · 10/04/2019 21:14

Look for the woman you will find her at work

ScreamingLadySutch · 10/04/2019 21:18

Hardest of all, listen to him. When they say this stuff, they mean it. Do not chase after him. Google pick me dance

When my ex said 'I don't love you any more [because the junior co-worker makes me feel soo much better than you] - it was so incredible I didn't believe him. But I should have, and dumped him on the spot. instead, I chased after him which = having his cake and eating it.

Original poster

Hjb2410 · 10/04/2019 21:18

@ScreamingLadySutch
I did wonder whether there was someone else but I didn't think he was the type of person to cheat on me?

OP posts:

bigchris · 10/04/2019 21:19

Do you have children?

I'd stop letting him call all the shots , tell him if he's going to get on with it, start talking finances, ask him to move his stuff out, shock him into thinking about what he's actually doing

AfterSchoolWorry · 10/04/2019 21:19

Uh oh.

Another woman. Classic script.

Nanalisa60 · 10/04/2019 21:21

I think it sounds like he has found someone else he desires to go to tea with!!

Original poster

Hjb2410 · 10/04/2019 21:21

@bigchris
No children yet, just a dog.

I still love him thou and want the marriage to work. Do you think there's any chance of us getting back to how we were?

OP posts:

Nanalisa60 · 10/04/2019 21:22

He a man of course he’s the type of person who will cheat!!

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/04/2019 21:24

I was told pretty much the same thing and then I found out a couple of weeks later he was having an affair. It might not be the case with you but I don’t think men “fall out of love” with no-one in the background to go to.

If you think you can fight for this then do what you can but make sure you’re not the only one fighting. If he checked out a while
ago, it may be too late as he’ll be a few steps ahead of you on the healing/moving on process x

Snappedandfarted2019 · 10/04/2019 21:25

As harsh as it is he doesn’t love you anymore and sounds like he’s found someone else you can’t make someone love you op.

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/04/2019 21:25

I didn’t think in a million years my ex husband would cheat either but anyone is capable...man or woman.

RomanyQueen1 · 10/04/2019 21:26

it's usually another woman when they say this. he will minimise.
Don't do the pick me dance. sorry you are going through this, its textbook script.

HappyLife21 · 10/04/2019 21:27

Do you think there's any chance of us getting back to how we were

No. Because this has happened, so you can’t trust him as you used to.

ShhhItsMySecret · 10/04/2019 21:29

I think his head has been turned by somebody else, too.

bigchris · 10/04/2019 21:30

Oh I feel so sad for you

It is possible to save things but it's better not to run after him, live your life , tell him you are off out with mates, ask him when he's picking his stuff up, call his bluff, tell him you've told you're family

If he wants to fight for you ,change his mind then you can suggest counselling etc , but at the moment he's holding all the cards, show him you're independent and don't need him , oh and tell him the dog stays with you!

Singlenotsingle · 10/04/2019 21:30

It's no good making yourself too available, OP. You've got to batten down the hatches and protect yourself. LTB. Without a shadow of a doubt, there's an OW.

Susanna30 · 10/04/2019 21:30

He doesn't want to be with you anymore. He found the courage to tell you and to move to his mums. He's not interested. His choice is made.

Don't lose your dignity by trying to force him back. I'm so sorry you're in this position, must be very upsetting. But have respect for yourself first and foremost.

Musti · 10/04/2019 21:32

People can fall out of love when there is noone else around too.

managedmis · 10/04/2019 21:33

Yeah it's another woman

TanMateix · 10/04/2019 21:35

Sorry OP, I disagree with some of the posts above. The fact is he wants to leave, he doesn’t want to try to work on the marriage or trying to rekindle feelings.

It may be another woman or it may not, no point hurting yourself trying to find out of such woman if he is not even confused. He has signed out already, you have no negotiating power, you cannot shame him into coming to his senses, the only thing you can do is take the bull by the horns and start preparing his exit:

Find exactly where you are financially. How much he has, how much you do, how much is owed, etc.
AFTER you have found the above, book a half an hour free appointment with your solicitor (don’t waste it in superficialities like not knowing enough of your finances or complaining about his behaviour, subsequent appointments will be very expensive so use the time well)
Find our if you can buy him out, keep the lease, afford a new place. No point expecting you will have some rights to keep the house on the basis of being a woman as this is only considered if there are children involved, otherwise you and him are pretty much equals.

Whatever you do, don’t beg him to stay, quite opposite, tell him to start packing, the more that you insist and the more upset he sees you, the further away he would like to run. Play it cool and if there is any “in love” left, he will come back. If there isn’t, nothing that you do can make him stay happily with you.

Sculpin · 10/04/2019 21:38

There's a chance this can work OP, but only if you're both prepared to make the effort. I think Relate is a good idea- at least that will help you understand what's going on in his head.

Sorry but I agree with pp that there is likely to be an OW. He hasn't necessarily cheated on you - it may just be someone he's got his eye on.

katy78 · 10/04/2019 21:39

If you want your marriage to work you need to do the opposite of what you are doing. Atm you are scrambling and it’s coming across desperate (as horrible as that sounds) and enabling him to be in the driving seat. You must take back control and call his bluff. Treat him as you would if you knew for sure he was having an affair. So go cold on him. Don’t communicate with him unless about practical things such as him collecting his stuff. Go and get your hair and nails done and plan to see friends. DO NOT BEG.

Echobelly · 10/04/2019 21:40

I wouldn't rush to assume other women. But I agree hard to recover from - unless he's just got unrealistic expectations. I think many couples do make it work just by loving each other and not being in love, but some people are really thrown when the 'in love' feeling doesn't continue indefinitely.

I've definitely had times I've felt less in love with DH, but I've learned, over 15 years together, that the feeling kind of come in waves and passes.

His muted response to counselling yes, it could be another woman or it could be feeling kind of numb and not knowing what to do right now

Beargrin · 10/04/2019 21:42

Op at the moment you're so available that he doesn't have to make any effort. You're begging him to stay and drowning him in affection, he could fuck someone else and turn up to you half an hour later and you'd probably fuck him too. He knows this! Stop letting him control you.
Probably the best chance you have of keeping him is to tell him to leave but honestly you shouldn't want him to stay.

orangejuiced · 10/04/2019 21:57

Sorry OP he doesn't want to be with you. Listen to him and believe him. People don't leave marriages on a whim.

There may be another woman or he may just feel he wants something different from the marriage. It's really sad but you have to move on

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