Husband loves me but isn't in love with me

[Hjb2410]

That's what my husband told me on Mother's Day, that he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore.

I know there's never a good time to be told that but Mother's Day was the absolute worst, as it was my fourth Mother's Day with my mum after she passed away very suddenly.

I'm at a complete loss what to do or think.

We spent the first week of April awkwardly trying to act normal but not succeeding very well to this Monday my husband telling me he needed some space and time to get his thoughts together so has gone to his mums/ best friend.

I'm devastated.

We will have been together 6 years this week and will be our third wedding anniversary in July. I love him with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I feel in total limbo and that my life's on hold because he doesn't know whether he wants to be with me or not?

I'm considering us going to relate counselling however when I mentioned this to him he replied 'it's up to you' to wish I said no it's a joint decision if we want this marriage to work.

I agree we both need to make an effort at us spending more quality time together as we have both been incredibly busy and almost been like ships passing sometimes. So a few weeks ago I booked us an Easter break away to which he didn't disagree at booking and suggested at the weekend for us to go out for tea to which he didn't take me on. When asked about tea and why he didn't want to go he replied he didn't 'have the desire to go out for a meal with me'

I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do

I feel your pain completely, I was you 11 months ago... completely out of the blue my now ex husband told me he no longer loved me like he “should”.. My entire world fell out of my arse. Together 11 years since I was 17 and I thought my entire life was over, same as you no children (3 weeks away from me coming off the pill.. his decision!) but a dog and a mortgage!

I promise you, it gets easier but you have to help yourself in order to move on. I know how hard it is but you have to accept his feelings and focus on building a life for yourself without him in it. It’s still very fresh so allow yourself to cry, scream and shout but don’t beg or smother him with love, it won’t help. Prepare yourself for there to be someone else or for him to move on very quickly .. it’s likely he’s felt this way for a long time and hid it so has had time to process the decision whereas you haven’t. My ex met someone at a wedding 3 weeks after walking out on our marriage.. it hurts but it helped make things more final for me.

I never thought I’d be writing this but I’m happy and content with my life and you will be too.. it’s just a long and painful process... lean on friends, family and MN for support.

Sending you love

Yes, I agree with everyone else. Spare yourself more pain - don’t try chasing after him. Focus on yourself.

OW or not, he’s made up his mind. He doesn’t seem confused.

I think that you need to take a deep breath and sort out your finances/see a solicitor. Lean on your friends, keep busy, work hard.

You WILL get through this.

Don't beg or plead no matter how much you love him. He's made up his mind and ILYBINILWY... is a typical line when a third party is involved.

Assume there is and adopt what you wish from here.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in the marriage or relationship.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not say “I Love You”.
9. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

10. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 11. Don’t sit around waiting for them – get busy, do things, go out with friends, etc. 12. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without them. 13. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back 14. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse/partner happiness and contentment. 15. Never lose your cool. 16. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 17. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 18. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 19. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 20. Be strong and confident. 21. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever 22. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 23. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Cherchez la femme. I’d put money on it.

For whatever reason, he has disengaged, so I would tell him to stay at his mother’s indefinitely. He cannot say such a thing and then be welcomed back. He needs to feel a consequence. As others have wisely advised, do not beg and plead.

Make a stand with your self-respect.

If you do allow him back temporarily, do not perform any domestic services for him. No cooking, no washing, running errands, sex, etc.

There very well may be another woman in the background who will soon come up front.

I'm wondering what prompted him to tell you this op?
Were there any "signs" this was coming?

I'm thinking he may have been given an ultimatum by the OW...

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

My fiancé ( now husband ) did that too me too.

He said the same thing.... we had just agreed to move apart back to parents to save for house together as rent was making it hard going / and wedding ... we had been together 9-10 years at this point

It’s awful especially when they tell you there is nothing you can do, he would say we should continue with the plan and if he wants to see me then take time to figure out how we feel ( 🙄trying to suggest I had same concerns )

I don’t think he expected me to put notice on flat and pack up our stuff double quick ... so t get me wrong I freaked too and we had a few arguments as time went on ( had to live with him under the i love you but am not In Love for 2 months ... I couldn’t figure out if it was worse with or without as I craved to be near him but felt so confused and betrayed at the same time ( in the end I had a back pack packed with 1 nights goods ready to run at any given time ... knowing that would be it)

I found in the conversations / arguments he would put his feelings into me , I didn’t allow that as he needed to take responsibility for his own feelings.

Somehow living apart (but still seeing each other / going back to dating worked)

But I had also advised him that I was going to live my life and not wait forever ( I was waiting but wasn’t letting him know that otherwise why would he bother trying to try when I am just there)

You can’t live your life I limbo, but I had come to terms with the fact I was willing to part with him too... not because I didn’t love him but because I deserve to be loved fully, I made him aware Of this and somehow after a few weeks of being crazy ( affair scenario which like you I think there was someone he liked but I think it was he would break up with me first and was testing the waters ) we managed to re connect

I have also informed him if he ever wants to put me through the same soul search again he can just bugger off because I have never felt heartache like it and never want to again at least let a lady now where she stands.

Big hugs lovely lady .... I hope you managed to sleep some and know you are being thought of x x

I think OW or not, it would be rare for a man to say what he has and not mean it. He has probably felt like this for some time.

I’d cut my losses and go through the pain you will inevitably suffer. It’s still
Preferable to begging someone to stay

It's the cheaters script.
Sorry OP but there will be another woman.
Please stop doing the 'pick me' dance.
You don't have kids together so it's time to cut your losses.
You may love him but he loves someone else now.
So it's time to find your dignity.
Confide in friends and family. Lean on them for support.
But do NOT chase him.
You will come across as desperate and needy and that's not attractive in anyone.
It's painful. It hurts like hell. But you need to be able to hold your head high.
Google 'the scrip' and google 'pick me dance' and google 'hysterical bonding'

I'm so sorry OP, my ex did this to me too after seven years. Everything seemed fine and then one morning he dropped the bomb out of the blue. We also plodded along for a couple of weeks pretending everything was ok, but it was eating away at me and eventually I had to move out and stay with a friend for my own sanity. A week later we broke up. I wanted to try but he had checked out and there was no going back.

There's not necessarily another woman. My ex stayed single for a long time after we split. He was just an emotionally stunted man child who couldn't hack being in a committed relationship.

The aftermath of the split was really hard, but once I got over the shock of it all I found I was much happier single. And happier again when I met my current DP, who is so much better for me than my ex.

The best thing you can do now is protect yourself, don't run around after him, just let him go. It's really hard I know, when your instinct is to get to the bottom of what's wrong and try to fix it. But he doesn't want to fix it. He's being a fucking coward behaving like this and hoping you'll leave so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. Value yourself and don't let him mess you around.

I remember that gut wrenching feeling so well, but you will get through it and come out so much stronger.

Please look after yourself.
Love can be rekindled where it once was there.

What has the relationship been like in the last 6 months?

How's the sex been?

Break ups are always hard.

Sometimes you are well rid.
But others you can pin point where it went wrong and decided if you want to fix it ?

It all takes time and patience which ever road you chose.

Ps if an ow does turn up remember the grass is not always greener (because you take all your issues with you )

Any of this helping, op?

Don’t know if it’s helping the OP but number 1 on @SandyY2K list is certainly helping me - I’ve written down as a screen saver. Thank you

Op there may or may not be another woman. I fell out of love with an ex and said the exact phrase and there was no one else, I just simply loved him like a brother and no longer had any sexual feelings for him.
The flip side, I have had this phrase said to me and there was another woman waiting in the wings.
Regardless, it’s fairly irrelevant although more hurtful if there is a woman involved. The fact is he is not in love with you anymore, and if there is someone else you’ll soon find out.

@SandyY2K has made a brilliant list. I know exactly how you are feeling and cliche but it will get better.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

I'm definitely writing every piece of advice down and the list definitely!

I've not had a very good day today but made it through work without getting upset so that's a bonus I guess.

One or two of you who have advised you've been through it before I might message you privately if you don't mind for abit more of a chat.

I'm not going to lie I am heart broken but I'm going to try to put my big girl pants on, a smile on my face and go from there!

Feel free to message me directly, I was you 10 months ago and more than happy to listen, offer any advice I can or help in anyway xx

That’s a euphemism for, I have another woman.

Hi I was in your position four months ago and unfortunately there was somebody else. All I can say is nothing is as bad as that gut wrenching first moment and time is honestly a great healer (hated hearing that advice at the time). I'm by no means back to normal but I'm getting there and there is a light at the end of the tunnel feel free to message me if you want to x

It's the same line as h used on me, he chose Valentine's Day! Got the identical response about relate too. I don't know is the answer, but men are strange creatures. Hope it works out well for you, whatever path that takes

Nothing wrong with feeling what you are feeling, don't try to hide it. It is like grief and it is a loss.

Do you have supportive family and or a close friend you could talk to for support? The main thing is that you need to protect yourself, this line is the oldest line that men and women say to try to make themselves sound better when they have been cheating or are interested in someone else. Once the trust is gone and they are thinking of someone else you need to look out for yourself.

Also don't agonise over the other person, they never anything special they are just new and different. To be honest they are usually the dregs at the bottom of the barrel as they have gone for someone with a family or in a relationship with no regard for anyone or anything but themselves. Remember that op.

I agree we both need to make an effort at us spending more quality time together as we have both been incredibly busy and almost been like ships passing sometimes

It’s a classic, that seems to make men stray. If there isn’t an OW, I would be extremely surprised.

Good luck OP, you can get through this

Again don't assume there's another woman. We men do have other drivers other than lust. We do have existential crises, and fits of depression, and bouts of "what the fuck is the point of it all?"

We're not all looking to be sticking our dicks into someone else as soon as we get the chance.

There is the possibility that his "falling out of love" with you is a side product of some other deeper different problem he's struggling with. Getting old... Brexit... erectile dysfunction... the fact that he's not as 'successful' as he thinks he should be... maybe he's discovering something about himself he doesn't like or scares him... the list of possibilities is endless.. Men are shit at being open about their problems and honest with themselves. They let all sorts of other people get hurt in collateral damage before they finally get to the point.

All marriages have ups and downs. You're in a trough at the moment. Don't assume that it's all over.

Feel free to message me too OP. It's an utterly shit situation to be in and at the moment it's just a case of trying to get through each day. But it will pass.