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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He refuses to use the family calender

152 replies

MrsStiltskin · 10/04/2019 20:12

Most of the organisation at home is left to me. Fine. I just ask DH to include his commitments on the family calender as we're both busy people and want to avoid clashes. Also, I try to preserve 2 evenings a week for us as a couple and this only happens if I'm organised about it. DH is much busier socially and professionally than me.

I forget things he tells me verbally as I'm very busy with family life and children etc so as a way to minimise my forgetfulness, we use a family app.

DH however still isn't adding his commitments to the calender. We have had atleast 6 arguments about this I would say. Not sure if this is forgetfulness, awkwardness or stubborness. He also is not preserving time for us as a couple which upsets and disappoints me and makes me wonder if this is why he isn't using the app, because it's clear to see that he isn't honouring any "Us time."

Our relationship is very much in trouble so it's important we get time to connect properly. We were going to have some Us time on Monday evening but the children were poorly which meant this did not happen. So another evening has not been prioritised to replace it. I have also been sleeping on the floor in one of the children's rooms so we aren't even sharing a bed at night. He was out on Saturday evening, Tuesday evening and also tonight, so I am home with the children who are still unwell and my own company.

The last time we fell out about him not using the calender, he promised me he would start as he actually really likes it. He hasn't. It's as if he sees it as an app for me to inform him my plans for me and the children and doesn't realise he has to inform me his plans too.
He announced at 5pm today that he is out tonight again, he says he has told me, but I haven't remembered so it's all my fault even though its not on the fucking calender AGAIN. I was really hoping to spend some time with him tonight having had an emotional and worrying couple of days with the children, along with terrible sleep. I've also not been well myself.

He knows I'm upset but he has gone anyway. Some may not care about having an organised system like ours at home which is fine- I don't judge, but it works well for our lifetsyle and this is agreed by DH entirely. He loves the app. But he refuses to add to it, leading to last minute outings (or atleast they are to me) and not much time for us at all.

I've been really angry and frustrated in the past, but today I just feel upset and let down. Fed up of being taken for granted as being available to be here with the children whilst he pleases himself. I feel like I've had enough and to be frank, it's killing my love for him. I have told him this and the only response I've had is "you're ridiculous." He has since added his commitment to the calender under "selfish twat out tonight."

I know it sounds silly over a bloody calender but I feel depleted by it all. I am tryjng to hold the family together and keep everything organised etc and I feel I'm all alone in doing so. I am getting to a point where I want to leave him over this.
I'm exhausted by his lack of communication, lack of connection and lack of team spirit.

What do I do next?

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 10/04/2019 20:15

Well it's not just about the calendar is it?
He's selfish, the relationship is struggling and he's making no effort whatsoever to improve things, his behaviour shows that he doesn't really give a shit about you.
Would couple's counselling be an option, would he make time for it and engage with it?

AnotherEmma · 10/04/2019 20:16

Ps he is a selfish twat so at least he's self-aware 😜

BumbleBeee69 · 10/04/2019 20:17

sounds to me like he is actively avoiding the Family Calendar OP

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 10/04/2019 20:20

Yanking your chain & gas lighting you.

I'd stop chasing round after him & practice being a single parent.

Thehop · 10/04/2019 20:23

He’s priorities are himself and fun and it looks like he’s avoiding all attempts to include himself in repairing your relationship.

Do you want to suggest counselling?

Original poster

MrsStiltskin · 10/04/2019 20:23

He says he really likes it @bumblebeee69 so I'm confused. If he didn't like the system, we could do something else but he praises it and says it's a great idea.

But not when it suits him it seems.

I've got such a headache from it all. What's the point in me trying to make life work for us if he doesn't?

I'm finding it all soul destroying and so upsetting.

OP posts:

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 10/04/2019 20:26

Have you asked him outright "why WON'T you add to the calendar?"

What's his answer?

Original poster

MrsStiltskin · 10/04/2019 20:28

He says "I forget."

OP posts:

cupofteaandcake · 10/04/2019 20:31

He doesn't think he has to use the calendar because he just does what he wants. If he did put something on there you might say 'oh you can't do that as I am doing xyx', he thinks he is too important for this and won't accept being told he can't do something. He has little, if any, respect for you or his family.

How old are your children? Do they do lots of activites? How is he with sharing household chores?

RevealTheLegend · 10/04/2019 20:31

Look at what someone DOES not what they SAY

Singlenotsingle · 10/04/2019 20:32

So where has he gone that's so important it trumps family time, and ignores a stressed, worried dw who's at the end of her tether? Is he doing it on purpose to wind you up, or just does he have no fucks to give?

That would be the end for me, OP. How much more can you take?

IDrinkAndISewThings · 10/04/2019 20:34

He likes the app because he likes to know what you and the kids are up to, but that doesn't mean he feels like he ought to grant you the same courtesy.

If I were you, and he's not putting his own agenda on the calendar, I'd abandon the calendar altogether, so he has no idea what you and the kids are up to, and you keep your own diary for yourself. See how he feels about being in the dark.

FritataPatate · 10/04/2019 20:34

Missing the point, but why are you sleeping on the floor?

PinkBlueStripes · 10/04/2019 20:36

Tell him to tell you about it AND write it down. Sounds really tough sorry

Moffa · 10/04/2019 20:37

Mrs Stiltskin I’m afraid I have no advice but this is the kind of thing my H does and it pisses me right off. So just sending

Snuggz · 10/04/2019 20:37

He’s not forgetting, he’s just being lazy and selfish and doesn’t give a shit about your relationship. These are not the actions of a man who is trying to make his marriage work and spend quality time with his wife. He is actively doing the opposite!

FFS near enough everyone who owns a phone has it in their hands or nearby 90% of their day. He can’t be arsed is more like it or he doesn’t want to be told whether he can or can’t do something he has scheduled.

BoffinMum · 10/04/2019 20:38

I think you need to get your announcements about going out first before he does, so he's left holding the baby and missing you a bit.

He'll soon learn to get organised and write down appointments if he wants to see you.

MoreProseccoNow · 10/04/2019 20:39

You can't fix this on your own.

It sounds like he's checked out already, sorry.

Lantern92 · 10/04/2019 20:39

OP I would be very concerned about him telling you that he had told you he is out or whatever but you're the one that has forgotten. Typical gaslighting. He is trying to turn it onto you and blame you for 'forgetting'. My ex did this and I thought I was going mad (of course he happily agreed I was)

rookiemere · 10/04/2019 20:39

Your H sounds like an ass, I wonder if he is passively aggressively pushing against the regime which does feel a little overly structured with the two evenings of us time.

If you want things to change,I'd give up on the us time for now. Prioritise your social life a bit more, sign up for an evening exercise class or meet friends for a drink. Make sure you get them in the calendar nice and early so he can't say he hasn't seen them. At the minute you're the drudge and de facto primary childcare 24/7 so give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it.

Happygolucky009 · 10/04/2019 20:39

If its not on the family calender, its not happening !

To not share plans is plain disrespectful and I would be feeling very under appreciated in your position. Are you sure this is the man for you?

feelingsinister · 10/04/2019 20:44

I agree with @rookiemere, schedule time for you, forget the us time.
Text him so he knows it's happening if he can't be arsed to use the calendar* and get on with having a life yourself.

*Seems to me like it's deliberate. He doesn't like having to plan and account for himself so he won't use it.
You're doing the organising and planning and the rest of the 'wife work' so why should he need to use it.
Selfish prick.

ravenmum · 10/04/2019 20:47

I would guess that he isn't using the calendar because that way, he can get out of doing stuff with you at the last minute by claiming that he told you he was going out, and claiming that you have forgotten.

What's he doing going out every night? Is he trying to make out that you are controlling and that this is a tiny, brave act of rebellion by a poor downtrodden husband? Reminds me of my ex during his affair.

spinn · 10/04/2019 20:47

First item on the calendar wins in our house....it's in everyone's interests to put their things in it.

A few times of having to reschedule/miss out and they have all stepped up!

OrianaBanana · 10/04/2019 20:49

How does he check that you don’t have plans for when he wants to go out? If he’s using the app to check, he can put his own plans in then. If he’s not checking, do you have clashes when you’re out and he wants to go out too?

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