He refuses to use the family calender

[MrsStiltskin]

Most of the organisation at home is left to me. Fine. I just ask DH to include his commitments on the family calender as we're both busy people and want to avoid clashes. Also, I try to preserve 2 evenings a week for us as a couple and this only happens if I'm organised about it. DH is much busier socially and professionally than me.

I forget things he tells me verbally as I'm very busy with family life and children etc so as a way to minimise my forgetfulness, we use a family app.

DH however still isn't adding his commitments to the calender. We have had atleast 6 arguments about this I would say. Not sure if this is forgetfulness, awkwardness or stubborness. He also is not preserving time for us as a couple which upsets and disappoints me and makes me wonder if this is why he isn't using the app, because it's clear to see that he isn't honouring any "Us time."

Our relationship is very much in trouble so it's important we get time to connect properly. We were going to have some Us time on Monday evening but the children were poorly which meant this did not happen. So another evening has not been prioritised to replace it. I have also been sleeping on the floor in one of the children's rooms so we aren't even sharing a bed at night. He was out on Saturday evening, Tuesday evening and also tonight, so I am home with the children who are still unwell and my own company.

The last time we fell out about him not using the calender, he promised me he would start as he actually really likes it. He hasn't. It's as if he sees it as an app for me to inform him my plans for me and the children and doesn't realise he has to inform me his plans too.
He announced at 5pm today that he is out tonight again, he says he has told me, but I haven't remembered so it's all my fault even though its not on the fucking calender AGAIN. I was really hoping to spend some time with him tonight having had an emotional and worrying couple of days with the children, along with terrible sleep. I've also not been well myself.

He knows I'm upset but he has gone anyway. Some may not care about having an organised system like ours at home which is fine- I don't judge, but it works well for our lifetsyle and this is agreed by DH entirely. He loves the app. But he refuses to add to it, leading to last minute outings (or atleast they are to me) and not much time for us at all.

I've been really angry and frustrated in the past, but today I just feel upset and let down. Fed up of being taken for granted as being available to be here with the children whilst he pleases himself. I feel like I've had enough and to be frank, it's killing my love for him. I have told him this and the only response I've had is "you're ridiculous." He has since added his commitment to the calender under "selfish twat out tonight."

I know it sounds silly over a bloody calender but I feel depleted by it all. I am tryjng to hold the family together and keep everything organised etc and I feel I'm all alone in doing so. I am getting to a point where I want to leave him over this.
I'm exhausted by his lack of communication, lack of connection and lack of team spirit.

What do I do next?

Take the DC and turn up at your in-laws?

Yes how would going to your in laws and an honest and open chat about his behaviour go

then get legal advice and go from there

What behaviours did your counsellor raise concerns about?

You can talk to Women's Aid and get some ideas of options.

You might need to go to a women's refuge, even if only to shake him up. It's not necessarily a long-term plan; sometimes it can be the wake-up call he (and his family) needs.

in the first instance, talk to your local women's aid/council equiv, see if you can get some legal help. They can whip up a residency and/or non-mol order swiftly, if circumstances deem

Sorry to hear this is going down the drain so fast MrsS. This still reminds me of the time while my ex was having an affair, especially just gets angry and defends his position as if I'm his enemy or something. Not that I think yours must be having one (who knows), but this "me and them" attitude where he isn't part of the family. "Already checked out" as they say on MN.

This time is awful, when you still have to live with someone who's suddenly become your enemy. At this point mine was also refusing to go. When I started looking for places I could take the kids, he agreed that he would leave after all. But didn't actually do anything for ages. In the end what it took for him to leave was me refusing to tiptoe around him. Making him sleep in the other room, not me. In his face all the time. Going into the living room and sitting right next to him, rather than letting him sit there undisturbed texting his OW. Having conversations with him at any time of day or night rather than staying out of his way - I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd give him a taste of that too. Telling his family what he had been up to. He got fed up with it and suddenly found a place after all.

But basically, you both have a right to live there and neither of you can force the other out.

Do your inlaws have any space?

Inlaws have space but he won't go. Me living there with the DCs even if just for a short time is not an option. I am fairly confident they will take his side and blame it on PND. He is considered "lovely" "gentle" "kind" by most who know him. It has taken a while to get my own best friend to see what's going on. His sister told me I just need a good night's sleep and a long bath.

Many abusive people can often appear plausible to those in the outside world but it is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. His family of origin will continue to side with their son/brother post separation out of loyalty so they cannot be relied on either.

I would talk to Womens Aid asap if you have not already done so and seek legal advice re separation and divorce. You may also want to look at non molestation orders.

What other behaviours of his did your counsellor cite as a concern?.

Abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset and can creep up on people unawares.

Read the thread and it doesn’t sound great. I really would chat to MIL (if you’re close) and explain exactly how you’re being treated. It’s not “lovely”, “kind” or “gentle” and his sister is most likely getting told another story about you... so they are trying to reassure you on his information. (My brother does this and I take him to task usually as I can read between the lines)

If they really won’t listen to you, then you may need to consider asking for other help and your counsellor might be able to suggest routes in your area.

If you’re not scared of him then I’d literally lock the doors with keys in and tell him he is categorically not staying and can stay at his parents for a few nights. This would work with a selfish partner but not an abusive one. Please look after yourself x

MrsStiltskin - your posts have rung so many bells with me. I’m so sorry he is treating you like this.

You sound so ground down. Which is, of course, his aim.

I suspect he is breaking you so you end the marriage, he can blame you, be the victim and still carry on the facade of being an all round ‘great guy’. Poor, poor him. He’ll do the bare minimum and you’ll be grateful for the crumbs he throw you. Sure he’ll do the school run - just so everyone can look at him and say ‘what a great guy!’. It’s not about being a decent parent, it’s about his ego. He’s too special and important to be required to add to the family calendar.

What I found when I ended my marriage was my mental health improved no end.

I had a very strong sense of ‘if I don’t get out now, I’ll lose every part of myself, there will be nothing left’. That made me incredibly sad.

It also struck me that if my DD was in this relationship, that man would not be good enough for her - so why was he good enough for me? I didn’t want to teach my DCs that this is how men are, and this is how relationships work.

My heart goes out to you OP. I had three year in between going through the pain and hurt he caused and then actually ending it. It made it easy to walk away because I was detached already. I don’t think he was ever truly invested.

Sorry. That was a very long post. Didn’t mean for it to be. I hope you are ok.

How are you now @ohfuhfoxsake?

Op, I am so sorry you are in this situation.

I would suggest getting yourself well, making plans that don't depend on him. Don't enquire what he is up to, don't ask anything of him, don't tell him anything.

Quietly make plans as to how you can leave at some point in the future. I agree that H and in laws are likely to use your pnd against you, so don't give them information.

Interestingly, my counsellor pointed out yesterday that although she believes I am depressed, she does not attribute this to PND.
It was the HV who told me she believes I have PND.

You don’t need his agreement to end your relationship, makes sense to plan, to be as safe as possible. What others think doesn’t matter.

Please seek help from a womens organisation, and a lawyer. It’s good you have your counsellor, building RL support up.

Lawyer up

It all sounds overwhelming. One bit of advice is dont get upset. Get rid. If you show upset or anger it will be put down to PND. Start repeating every time he accuses you of PND you have realised that its not medical depression, its a perfectly normal human response to an intolerable living situation. You are trying to raise 3 young children with an abusive gaslighting husband. If he wants you to get better he needs to leave and arrange coparenting with him from his parents house.

He sounds so much like my ex H. And like yours @ohfuhfoxssake.

He is still a twat now but plays the “loving family man” to the general public. He also refused to leave, it took 18 months and it was shit.

But after he went, no matter how tough it has been at times with the stunts he has pulled, I never regretted a day.

He still doesn’t communicate about the kids. It’s a control thing and he sees himself as far too important to have to inform other people about his plans.

And after we split up, he tried to make me life as difficult as possible by making sure I had little time without our 3 DC.

When I took his key off him, six months after we split up (by which time he’d had a new girlfriend for a while already), he called me a psycho, in front of the children, and was shouting and swearing at me “if you are going to be like that, I won’t help you by babysitting on a Monday anymore!!” (As, obviously, spending time with his own children is ‘helping’ me & is to be withdrawn as a punishment if I step out of line )

This was because I asked him to stop letting himself into the house without warning and to knock on the door instead. Sometimes just wish I could film him like that so other people could see his true colours - as I think few people would ever behave the way that such a “nice guy” would behave.

But, to cut a long story short, I am now in a relationship with a kind, funny (and absolutely gorgeous 😊) man. He knows I am finding half term with the DC a bit stressful, and phoned me earlier to see how I am, and to tell me he will pick up a takeaway on the way home so I don’t have to think about cooking.

My ex never even told me if he would be late home, but expected dinner on the table when he got in, and seems to think he was doing something incredible if he “helped” with bedtime or even loaded the dishwasher.

I had no confidence when I finally got DH to leave, and wondered who on earth would ever want me, especially with 3 DC. It turns out my confidence has grown and I’ve achieved things I never though I would. He, on the other hand, is still as angry as ever, and his girlfriend recently left, after he appeared to be using her as a housekeeper and free childcare for what was supposed to be his contact time. No change there then.

Good luck, hang in there

He probably is lovely, gentle and kind with people he only sees for a short time. Easier to do; takes less effort. And when he gets home he can just relax and be himself. After all, there's no-one around he needs to impress.

Your SIL wants you to sleep on it etc. How about if you use that pretext to take, say, a week off, go away somewhere leaving him to take care of the kids while you "work on your PND" and "clear your mind". (I presume you trust him to look after the kids.) In that time you could indeed get some sleep, but you could also do some quiet planning and research.

Oh for goodness sake OP your running a family not an office! Millions of parents across the globe manage quite successfully without putting everything into the bloody calendar! Seriously you sound militant, no wonder your DH does not bother.

@AvengersAssemble - you clearly haven't RTFT beyond the OP

I don't know any families whatsoever in the developed world of work/schooling/daycare/ clubs etc that don't keep some sort of calender/diary when there are DCs? How would anyone know what was happening from one day to the next?! I'd waste a lot of time trying to remember/find out that's for sure! My DCs would have nobody to collect them from preschool/daycare either as we wouldn't know who was available as we both have random meetings etc to attend.... good job we have a calender to keep track!

Oh dear Avengers, the poster's husband has agreed to this sytem but is abusing it by "forgetting" to use it or tell her that he plans to go out yet again.

I can't imagine a family running smoothly without some sort of shared calendar system, whether it is done by sitting down and talking though diaries, having everything always done the same time on the same day by the same person, an app, or whatever. The point is, he had agreed to the system, said he liked it, then blatantly ignored it!

You poor thing. You are not as trapped as you believe. A good man does not leave his upset wife at home with sick kids while he ducks off to the pub, does not shout at her, lets her know where he will be, etc etc

Try to envisage a future- you and the kids happy in a home with no shouting, no disrespect, no man controlling you and gaslighting you

@MrsStiltskin I was worried after posting that, that I was projecting. But I do see striking similarities in our relationships.

I am really, really good thank you. Ending the relationship was like coming up for air. Breathing lovely clean fresh air. I didn’t realising that I was living every day in a state of hightened anxiety.

XH still won’t plan. As PP said, he feels he is too important to have to commit. He sees them when he hasn’t got anything else to do, and will never have them to help me out. He does see them, and he pays maintenance, he needs to be seen as a great dad, poor man. He plays on being helpless so others rescue him (his family have taken over now I’m not there).

I don’t know if any of this resonates with you?

Sometimes, I think, when splitting up is inevitable, the timing is about being strong enough to do it.

Again, i’m Sorry if I’m off the mark here. It’s only my experience.