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Original poster

I feel like SIL is taking the piss

70 replies

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2019 16:06

I would like to start this by saying that my brothers fiancée (who I will just refer to as SIL as they will be married soon and have been together for a decade) is a hugely important part of my family: we all love her. She is wonderful and kind, and makes my brother happy. However, I am starting to feel increasingly irritated and resentful of her, as is my mother, because of the following:

She quit her job 18 months ago as she was not happy there any more. Since then she worked once for a month a year ago, but did not like that either so quit. None of our business...except that my brother and her live in a flat my mother owns at a greatly reduced rent to help out my brother who has started his own company. If she was working she could contribute more rent, and my mother would be better off financially. My mother and i are just getting more and more annoyed as all she does is watch tv all day and now and then “looks for a job”. My brother is under a lot of financial pressure so is not able to look after her comfortably, and I can’t understand why she doesn’t feel guilty about my mother receiving a pittance of rent in such a nice flat while she sits on her arse!

Can I say anything?! Can my mother?! Not really sure how to handle it, neither is my mother.

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 10/04/2019 16:11

No, it’s down to your brother to discuss it with her.

melissasummerfield · 10/04/2019 16:13

Its absolutely nothing to do with you thats for sure.

Its between your mum and your brother.

Springwalk · 10/04/2019 16:13

It is none of your business op. Stay out of it. If your mother wants more money for the flat, she can put the rent up. Otherwise keep quiet. Your brother and his wife to be can choose whatever arrangement suits them.

SchoolOfLife2 · 10/04/2019 16:13

Your mother can tell your brother that he Needs to downgrade to a flat he can afford as she needs to rent it out.

But she can’t tell his wife what she needs to do in her life. That’s absolutely up to her.

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2019 16:14

Should we mention it to him though? We have tried to bring it up a few times with him but he gets defensive so we just casually asked about her job search and he laughed it off like “ha if she is even looking” type thing.

OP posts:

NameChangeJustBecauseICan · 10/04/2019 16:14

I presume when the arrangement was set up your DM laid down the amount of rent to be paid. If so, is this amount not being paid to her still ?

We need more info, I think, as it depends on what arrangement was made. Did it change when SIL left her job?

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2019 16:15

Obviously you are all completely right that it’s none of my business - but I have my mother complaining daily to me about it, and to be honest even though it’s 100% SIL’s life and decision, this is somewhat clouding my very high opinion of her. I just don’t understand why she doesn’t feel bad about this.

OP posts:

SchoolOfLife2 · 10/04/2019 16:17

We have tried to bring it up a few times with him but he gets defensive so we just casually asked about her job search

Again, the details about who contributes to household finances is only their business to agree on.. your curiousity should stop at asking him whether they can afford it and if not you suggest they downgrade or share accommodation like what every young couple do..

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2019 16:18

NameChangeJustBecauseICan

My mother and brother were very naive and assumed that after 1-2 years he could pay her full rent. Initially they paid 0 rent, although she was working. It’s only about 6 months ago they they started paying about 1/4 of the full rent. And my mother feels uncomfortable saying anything. I think I feel resentful too as I live in another one of my mother’s properties and I pay full rent, always have, and don’t understand why they don’t mind doing this. My brother is at least working very hard and paying now the best he can afford.

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 10/04/2019 16:18

She doesn’t feel bad about it because your brother and mother enable her lifestyle. If it came to the crunch and rent was raised what would they do as a couple?

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2019 16:21

This really is nothing to do with you, so no "we shouldn't say anything". Tell your mother you are happy to listen to her, but you cannot get involved, it would be wrong.

She needs to speak to her son, and give a timeline for him to be paying full rent or move out, as she needs someone who will.

And quite frankly she shouldn't be whinging to you about it either.

ineedaholidaynow · 10/04/2019 16:21

Can your mother sit down with them both and tell them that they need to start paying more rent from a certain time (not too far in the future). Doesn’t have to comment on whether SIL is working or not. Maybe give them a couple of month’s notice

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2019 16:22

Finfintytint

Christ i have no idea! I really don’t - they used to pay an extortionate rent to live in a tiny flat in central London, but she has also been commenting recently that their large 2 bed is not big enough for her as they want a baby soon. I think this is also driving some of my feelings, I feel like it’s an ungrateful thing to say as they aren’t even paying rent and I don’t see where she can afford to move that’s bigger! My mother is also very offended by this and again I am listening to her complaints every day which is riling me up somewhat.

OP posts:

SchoolOfLife2 · 10/04/2019 16:22

I understand why you would feel resetful.

I think you can have the word with ur brother on bahalf of your mom.

“Bro, I think to be fair on mum, she isn’t happy with the amount of rent being paid to her as she can her much more for it. She hasn’t been telling you as She knows ur working for hard and doing what u can. But she was under the assumption that with your combined income, you would be able to pay more within 2 years.

I think if you don’t think your finances will improve, it is best you move to a flat you can afford. So that mum can earn from the flat what she deserves. I think ur mum hates to see u struggle and wouldn’t want u to move out but I think you need to be fair on her and do the right thing”.

Depending on ur relationship with your brother.

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2019 16:24

And quite frankly she shouldn't be whinging to you about it either.

Tbh I think the only course of action is to tell my mother I don’t want to hear about it! It’s only stirring up my annoyance and it’s not my place to say anything. Either my mother speaks to them or not, but it’s not really fair that she is allowing them this rent free situation while we pay full rent. And actually we are moving out as we bought somewhere, and if we move out before the contact ends are expected to pay until the end of contract, despite them having paid nothing for 3 years.

My mother would never ask them to leave if they cannot pay more rent.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2019 16:26

I agree op, it's not fair for her to allow it to continue whilst charging you full rent and whinging to you about your sibling. It's not on at all.

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2019 16:27

I agree op, it's not fair for her to allow it to continue whilst charging you full rent and whinging to you about your sibling. It's not on at all.

God, massive hug from me to you - thank you! Just having the unfairness acknowledged has made me feel a million times better. Will discuss with mother next time she brings it up.

OP posts:

SchoolOfLife2 · 10/04/2019 16:27

Yeh seems here like the real issue is differential treatment from your mother that favours your brother..

Amongstthetallgrass · 10/04/2019 16:37

I’d 100% say the next time you are with them both

‘So when are you two going to start paying full rent as I am and mum needs the money’

I don’t get why some families have to be a simmering hot bed of resentment when they should just be honest with each other. If you can be honest with your family, who can you be honest with? And that goes to confiding in when something is worrying you. Maybe it’s a British thing...

It’s absolutely normal for the mother to be discussing this with her daughter. And yes it is her daughters business because both the son and dil are taking the piss out of her mother.

OP you might be throwing a hand grenade but hopefully it will shame her in to getting off her arse. Maybe she is hoping on getting pregnant soon so she can legitimately stay off work. Getting more rent out of them then will be next to zero

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2019 16:43

I like to think this way and usually prefer to say when something is bothering me, but I think my mother would be furious for bringing it up. Really furious. She walks on eggshells around my brothers for fear of being abandoned by them.

OP posts:

GarthFunkel · 10/04/2019 16:43

You need to tell your mum - once - that she needs to shit or get off the pot put up or shut up. It's nothing to do with you. Either she asks them for more rent/to move out, or she stops whinging about it but either way you aren't doing her dirty work for her.

SchoolOfLife2 · 10/04/2019 16:51

Really furious. She walks on eggshells around my brothers for fear of being abandoned by them.

Which is why she wants him staying in her house.. and it’s why your brother knows this and is being laid back about rent.

This really isn’t about sil at all. If I was your brother I would move out of my mum needed the money to somewhere I could afford if my other half wasn’t working. Could be a legitimate reason that u don’t know about. Or could be both their preference.

Ur mum needs the money but finds it easy to take it out on someone other than her son because she “doesn’t want to lose him.

Why would she lose him? Does he have little value for ur mum? Do they have a fragile relationship? Is she compensating financially because of strain in the past?

This is absolutely about ur mum and ur brothers relationship... nothing to do with sil.

Snuggz · 10/04/2019 16:57

Sounds like your brother is the golden child and that’s why your mum fawns over him and thinks he can do no wrong. You are the family scapegoat and expected to do things that he never is. Your mum made her bed - let her bloody well lie in it!

If she starts to moan to you about it/them - you need to shut her down. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you don’t want to hear it and if she has something to say to say it to them.

As for your brother - he is a coward. He will get walked all over by his partner and end up bitter and resentful at her laziness (if he hasn’t already) especially if they are planning to have a child AND move to a bigger place. He knows how easy he has it with your mum hence why he continues to take the piss regarding the rent and hasn’t said shit to his partner.

Your mum’s favouritism will eventually bite her in the bum one day soon. Leave her to it. She has clearly picked sides between you and your brother.

Alysanne · 10/04/2019 17:16

I can see why your annoyed OP. You are paying full rent on a property while your sibling and his partner aren't even paying half of their agreed rent. On top of that your having to deal with your mum complaining about the situation but not doing anything about it. It must be frustrating!

Harsh as it sounds you'll have to sit your mum down and talk about this . Tell her that although you will always support her if she is only going to complain to you about your brother yet not do anything about the rent situation you want to hear nothing about it.

I don't get why your soon to be sil is happy to take advantage of your mum's good nature (it doesn't matter how nice she is) We rent from my in-laws but money is always on time and whenever they visit they are treated to a meal out. Fingers crossed she gets a job soon and your situation gets better!!

corinne97 · 10/04/2019 17:27

how can they afford a wedding if they can't pay rent?

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