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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like SIL is taking the piss

70 replies

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2019 16:06

I would like to start this by saying that my brothers fiancée (who I will just refer to as SIL as they will be married soon and have been together for a decade) is a hugely important part of my family: we all love her. She is wonderful and kind, and makes my brother happy. However, I am starting to feel increasingly irritated and resentful of her, as is my mother, because of the following:

She quit her job 18 months ago as she was not happy there any more. Since then she worked once for a month a year ago, but did not like that either so quit. None of our business...except that my brother and her live in a flat my mother owns at a greatly reduced rent to help out my brother who has started his own company. If she was working she could contribute more rent, and my mother would be better off financially. My mother and i are just getting more and more annoyed as all she does is watch tv all day and now and then “looks for a job”. My brother is under a lot of financial pressure so is not able to look after her comfortably, and I can’t understand why she doesn’t feel guilty about my mother receiving a pittance of rent in such a nice flat while she sits on her arse!

Can I say anything?! Can my mother?! Not really sure how to handle it, neither is my mother.

OP posts:
PinkBlueStripes · 10/04/2019 17:36

PPs are right - this is between them. Totally unfair that she moans to you about it. I would tell DM you don't want to hear about it because you are not getting involved. You agree it is taking the and can't see why they can't pay as you manage to, and she needs to speak to them directly. I wouldn't directly say you feel its unfair (though you are right) as its not affecting what you pay, its emotional currency and if DM uses that it could drive a wedge and you become the bad guy!

KOKOtiltomorrow · 10/04/2019 18:03

As a,side note - I used to rent out a flat and on doing tax returns, my accountant said it was illegal to rent out property massively below the market rate and to let family stay in it for free as it could be seen as tax evasion/ a way to pass on money to children without paying inheritance tax or capital gains. This would have been about 15 years ago mind.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 10/04/2019 18:06

Also - people on here always say it's not your business - but it would piss me off massively if someone was taking advantage of a family member like this. I bet the SIL can't believe her luck and she is a massive CF. DB and SIL clearly know your mum is a soft touch about this so they are massively taking advantage. Shame on them.

Happynow001 · 10/04/2019 19:15

@crispysausagerolls
Either my mother speaks to them or not, but it’s not really fair that she is allowing them this rent free situation while we pay full rent.

Your mother is treating you both very unequally and unfairly. The solution to this is with her to deal with her son and his partner - BOTH in whom are hugely taking advantage of her: and she has by her inaction enabled this.

And actually we are moving out as we bought somewhere, and if we move out before the contact ends are expected to pay until the end of contract, despite them having paid nothing for 3 years.

My mother is also very offended by this and again I am listening to her complaints every day which is riling me up somewhat.
When she next brings this up tell her how you really feel about how she treats her children so differently- and sees no irony in complaining to you about how her son treats her.

She really needs to have a bit more respect for herself - and you - and do something constructive.

Moaning, unfairly, to you about this will not provide a solution. Good luck with this OP.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2019 19:48

Thank you everyone!! I really appreciate the input. feeling very galvanised about seeing her again and shutting her down.

OP posts:
ArkAtEe · 10/04/2019 19:51

Maybe she is depressed or has anxiety about finding a new job? Not many people would be happy sitting around watching TV all day for very long..

Bingandflop2019 · 10/04/2019 19:53

She will be receiving benefits and could be claiming housing benefit!

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2019 19:54

Maybe she is depressed or has anxiety about finding a new job?

I have thought about this, yes. But honestly, I don’t think so, I just think she is incredibly lazy!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 10/04/2019 22:43

Ask your mum if she wants you to speak to your brother for her. At least then you’re the ‘bad guy’ and not her if she’s worried about that. I’d be massively pissed off in your position. Suggest they get a lodger so they can immediately up the rent!

SandyY2K · 11/04/2019 00:30

At least as the house is in your mum's name, she won't have a claim in it when they get married.

AgentJohnson · 11/04/2019 04:51

The issue isn’t whether SIL is working or not it’s the family dynamic where your mother bitches to you about her decision to charge minimum rent to your brother. SIL is getting the blame because it’s easier and more convenient then challenging a long established dysfunctional dynamic.

The price that your mother pays for keeping your brother sweet, is this, she can change the arrangement at any time, you can’t. Quite frankly, given the preferential treatment, I don’t understand why you haven’t shut your mother down earlier.

There’s something of the golden child family dynamic going on in your family and I personally wouldn’t participate by getting involved by listening.

AgentJohnson · 11/04/2019 04:56

The funny thing is the likelihood of your brother repaying his debt to your mother by looking after her in old age is slim. As the daughter in the family, that expectation lies with you, unpaid of course because your brothers time is more valuable.

You need to get angry with the person perpetuating this bullshit and that’s your not so dear, mum.

PBobs · 11/04/2019 06:40

Yeah. Sorry - I agree that it sounds like you have a mum problem not a SIL problem. She's not your problem (although she might be your mum's problem or your brother's). But your mum is definitely someone you need to have an honest conversation with. What about that rubbish that she's worried they'll abandon her? Have they given her cause to feel this way? Seems a bit dramatic.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2019 08:09

The funny thing is the likelihood of your brother repaying his debt to your mother by looking after her in old age is slim. As the daughter in the family, that expectation lies with you, unpaid of course because your brothers time is more valuable

This is so truw

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2019 08:09

*true

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2019 08:12

What about that rubbish that she's worried they'll abandon her? Have they given her cause to feel this way? Seems a bit dramatic.

She has 0 reason to feel this way, it’s just always how it’s been. I am taken for granted and my brothers are treated with kid gloves.

The thing is it’s not possible to have a reasonable discussion with her, she’s just deeply unreasonable. But I can refuse to participate in the dialogue.

OP posts:
FundayFriday · 11/04/2019 08:21

There’s something of the golden child family dynamic going on in your family and I personally wouldn’t participate by getting involved by listening.

I think many of us recognise this from within our families. The realisation of it is quite powerful. Think about how much you say about the impact on you and how you say it. Look after yourself.

8FencingWire · 11/04/2019 08:25

OP, I would have a quiet word on the side with my brother to give him the heads up about what mum’s been stirring. But I am really close to my brother, and life has taught us we can’t rely on our spouses or parents.

FundayFriday · 11/04/2019 08:30

You said what I was thinking about gender OP. Move. Move far away!

Springiscomingsoon · 11/04/2019 08:41

This would drive me insane!
In my family the following would and HAS happened:
Me telling parent in no uncertain terms not to let sibling take the mick out of them.
Me going crazy at sibling telling them not to take the mick out of parent.
I don't understand how people don't talk about these things in families.
Sounds like the girlfriend needs a kick up the ...! Your brother is letting her get away with it too.
And why do you have to give your mum rent until the end of the contract if you move out early? That sounds unfair. You have a contract but they don't?

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2019 10:44

And why do you have to give your mum rent until the end of the contract if you move out early? That sounds unfair. You have a contract but they don't?

I think I have been accepting a lot of unfair bullshit. DH told me yesterday in no uncertain terms that he is NOT paying rent when we are not even living there whilst DB doesn’t pay rent whilst living somewhere. Hard to argue with that - plus we will be giving several months notice to find a new tenant.

My mothers reasoning is that our flat is nicer - 2k a month - whilst brothers is 1.5k a month. She “doesn’t understand” that this is irrelevant if people pay the value of the flat correctly....

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2019 10:44

(To clarify, brother has never and is not paying anywhere near 1.5k)

OP posts:
FundayFriday · 11/04/2019 11:02

are expected to pay until the end of contract

On the open market this can be negotiable at landlords discretion. You can only ask the question. Find out if what if any leeway you have with new home, put in writing the dates etc to DM to consider.

Enjoy your new home!

FundayFriday · 11/04/2019 11:08

You will be stuck in the middle of it all unless you detach from your deadbeat brother, at emotional cost to you. Sorry, I love my DB but learned the hard way.

Dieu · 11/04/2019 11:17

In my family, we would totally say something about this. The whole 'it's none of your business' thing really baffles me. It is, because the girl is taking the piss, and it's your mother who's suffering!