Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I feel like SIL is taking the piss

70 replies

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2019 16:06

I would like to start this by saying that my brothers fiancée (who I will just refer to as SIL as they will be married soon and have been together for a decade) is a hugely important part of my family: we all love her. She is wonderful and kind, and makes my brother happy. However, I am starting to feel increasingly irritated and resentful of her, as is my mother, because of the following:

She quit her job 18 months ago as she was not happy there any more. Since then she worked once for a month a year ago, but did not like that either so quit. None of our business...except that my brother and her live in a flat my mother owns at a greatly reduced rent to help out my brother who has started his own company. If she was working she could contribute more rent, and my mother would be better off financially. My mother and i are just getting more and more annoyed as all she does is watch tv all day and now and then “looks for a job”. My brother is under a lot of financial pressure so is not able to look after her comfortably, and I can’t understand why she doesn’t feel guilty about my mother receiving a pittance of rent in such a nice flat while she sits on her arse!

Can I say anything?! Can my mother?! Not really sure how to handle it, neither is my mother.

OP posts:

CraftyYankee · 11/04/2019 11:29

Your DH has the right of it, certainly from a moral standpoint. Do you have a written contract?

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2019 11:31

Do you have a written contract?

Yes

OP posts:

Springiscomingsoon · 11/04/2019 11:35

I think you need to be clear to your mum that she shouldn't treat you differently - have you discussed the end of contract thing with her? Maybe she isn't expecting you to pay once you move out but you have been the one to suggest it because you are good with money and you know how to treat people nicely?

RomanyQueen1 · 11/04/2019 11:38

It's nothing to do with you or your mum.
If she needs more rent money then she should put the rent up to the going rate and then it's up to db and sil what they do about their money.

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2019 11:41

Maybe she isn't expecting you to pay once you move out but you have been the one to suggest it because you are good with money and you know how to treat people nicely?

Her reaction to us getting the house was “I have mixed feelings about this because of the finances and me needing tenants”, so we felt quite obligated to offer.

OP posts:

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2019 11:43

it's up to db and sil what they do about their money.

I don’t really agree with this, in this specific circumstance. If my DH quit his job and did nothing all day and we suddenly decided not to pay rent, I think other family members may well have something to say about it!

OP posts:

FundayFriday · 11/04/2019 12:40

Can't you repropose in writing and possibly take on some responsibility for helping find new tenants?

Yes and this is unlikely to happen because you wouldn't, but it does mean she is taking advantage. Talk to other family members and see what they think of SIL, sure they see it same as you.

Springiscomingsoon · 11/04/2019 12:42

It's obvious from the replies on this thread that different families deal with things differently.
As I said earlier I wouldn't have a problem getting this all out in the open and talking about it and also how unfair it is to treat me diff to my siblings. Obviously others disagree. I'm glad I'm in a family where someone would tell me when I'm acting like an idiot and I can do that to them too. I think bottling these things up isn't healthy. At least you know where you stand!
You have to decide what suits your family and situation best.
At least you have mumsnet to offload some of your frustrations

NWQM · 11/04/2019 13:11

Has you Mum said to them that she is putting up the rent and they have argued her out of it?

If not then I'm not sure I get what there would be to get 'out in the open'. They haven't lied about their situation & they taken up her generous offer. It doesn't sound like it was a conditional offer at all.

Well not with your DB anyway. He knows you disapprove of her not working. He doesn't mind. You've said your piece. He may well be as fed up of you mentioning it as you are of your Mum.

With your DM though It sounds as if you have stuff to say. She choices not to help you. She then moans about but continues to help your DB. Her choice but you don't have to listen.

Snuggz · 11/04/2019 13:28

If you are paying £2k a month in rent, and your brother should be paying £1.5k, how much is he actually paying per month?

FundayFriday · 11/04/2019 14:19

DB is happy with her, or not, his choice.

What DM should do is give them notice in writing of rent increase. Effectively giving SIL a deadline.

FundayFriday · 11/04/2019 14:23

As an aside I am going through a similar thing to this- learning to stand up to parents after realising what madness it is. We need a follow up thread...Reclaim your...sanity?

Rumbletum2 · 11/04/2019 14:30

Fgs why shouldn’t OPs mum have a moan to her daughter? I’d be moaning! I don’t get all this “It’s not your business” malarkey.

I’d be offering to have a word if mum doesn’t feel comfortable. Frankly I’d be saying to them both “Right, mum feels bad for saying something but it’s not really fair that you’re paying her a pittance in rent when she could get full whack, is it? So really you need to be paying her full rent don’t you think?” hard stare while they bleat that they can’t afford it ..... “Right so LazyCow needs to get a job then really don’t you think? This can’t go on. It’s not fair”

Repeat as necessary.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 11/04/2019 14:59

Dear mum
We have given you loads of notice we are moving, have you advertised for new Tennant's yet ? If not please do
I can't be expected to prop up one side of your finances whilst my brother drains them from the other side
I know I said I would consider paying to the end of the contract but I have realised it's grossly unfair.
And please stop complaining to me about bro. I feel like you're trying to coerce me into being your hench-woman. I'm not going to do anything about it.
You either have to shit, or get off the pot.

GarthFunkel · 11/04/2019 15:51

So you're subsidising his rent as well.

Snuggz · 11/04/2019 15:56

Fgs why shouldn’t OPs mum have a moan to her daughter? I’d be moaning! I don’t get all this “It’s not your business” malarkey.

How can you not see that the mum is clearly favouring the son in all this by charging him a pittance in rent, all the while charging her daughter full rent? And then she has the audacity to moan to her daughter about her son not paying more rent? Talk about double standards! Also, why should the OP be seen as the 'bad' person in all this by her brother/SIL if she intervened? This is her mum's doing, she made her bed, she can lie in it. Any misguided loyalty the mum thought she had with the OP to do her dirty work for her, surely went out the window the minute OP found out that she is openly being treated unfairly by her own mother and her mother does not care.

It’s not OP’s place to referee between her brother and mum regardless of if her brother is taking the piss. That is up to her mum to decide to speak up and say something. The mum clearly had the voice to let her daughter know that she needs to pay full rent, the only reason why she doesn’t say the same to the son is because he is the golden child and can do no wrong. If the mum wants him to pay more, SHE is the one who needs to step up and say something, NOT the OP.

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2019 16:53

I can't be expected to prop up one side of your finances whilst my brother drains them from the other side

THIS IS FANTASTIC!! I am 100% using this line!! Here here! Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2019 16:55

They paid 0 rent for about 3 years and for 5-6 months have been paying 300-400£

OP posts:

Snuggz · 11/04/2019 17:17

Paid nothing for 3 years and now £3-400 for past 6 months and the rent should be £1.5k?

Wow I’m speechless.

So in the space of 42 months (3.5 years) if you paid £2k per month, you’ve paid your mum £84k.

Your brother has paid £2.1k (using £350 as a midpoint).

What the actual fuck. How are you still on speaking terms with your mum?

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2019 17:51

What the actual fuck. How are you still on speaking terms with your mum?

I think because it was all done to help him out with his company (and she gave him a lump sum too) so it didn’t bother me. But actually the moaning and the stuff about our contract is what has really annoyed me. It’s not the money, it’s the principle.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3