Should I be worried?

[ChocChick8]

Hello, to be honest I’m in a complicated situation. I met my current DP at work while he was married, but quite unhappily and thinking of separation. At most, our connection and feelings made him fonally take the step and separate, but he wanted that before me, I’m 100% sure. I very quickly accidentally got pregnant and he left his family - he has an 8-year old daughter he loves very much. That was a little less than a year ago. I now had the baby and I am so happy, but he has seemed distant for a while and I’m worried he’s in touch with his ex. What can I do? Could it just be me being over emotional because I just gave birth?

Well if he is cheating on you, least you know how it feels.
You accidentally got pregnant - sounds like a trap to win him.
Why would he want you there all the time when he sees his child? After all it’s half your fault why her family is broken. Stop with the self pity, if you don’t want a relationship where you are always wondering if he’s cheating you shouldn’t have had sex with a married man and fall pregnant

His parents are polite with me, I think it’s normal that it’s a bit tense because of how we met. They live in a small town where he grew up, people talk, I don’t think they like that. I left my job and we made sure just a few people, who had to, know why. He was worried about it. Now that the baby is here his daughter (or his wife is behind it, I’m guessing) are starting to be more strict about seeing me and the baby at all. What happened happened, it’s not ideal but I think we need to be grown ups and move on.

Wow

You have created a vacancy with a man who you know, first hand is capable of cheating.

Not only that, but, you are now not the fun, thrill chasing casual sex but a partner with a new born baby. That doesn’t sound as fun does it?

His poor wife.

So it could be someone at work as you aren't there now? Is there an age difference?

His ex wife and daughter will do what is right for them, not you. They may have moved on but not in the way you want. You cant control that and I don't think you will ever play happy blended families.
My DC want absolutely nothing to do with Ex's new gf, she wasn't even the OW but they have zero interest in meeting a "random woman". Seeing from their side I get it , they just see no benefit to them. I don't know if it will change but Ex keeps the DC and gf apart as he wont want to risk losing his DC.

I suspect your partner does regret it, marriages go through dips and he thought he was going to have fun. You and him might be at different stages. Are you financially dependent on him now?

No, we actually don’t live together yet and I can take care of myself. They are still married and it bothers me there’s not more rush to solve that.
Isn’t it better for the wife to encourage his daughter to accept his new life? That would make things easier for everyone.

i genuinely hoping he is sticking his wick in something else, your attitude is terrible.
stop playing the victim, what did you expect to happen when you shag someone’s husband and ‘accidentally fall pregnant’
Get some self respect and back off, let him parent his child, she doesn’t have to have anything to do with you get over yourself

That would make things easier for everyone...would make everything easier for you!!!
I assume if he leaves you for another woman you will be handing over your son to this new woman so they can play happy families with your child?

I don't think he's ever going to live with you. If he doesn't already then that's a pretty clear sign he doesn't want another boring family set up. He's probably already got his next mistress lined up. Concentrate on your son and maybe have some counselling to figure out why you have such a lack of self respect.

Sounds like his wife is being grown up and trying to move on - while setting sensible restrictions to protect her daughter.

This is all happening so quickly - Dad's new GF, Dad's new baby - that his ex wife is taking very sensible steps to minimise the trauma for her.

I think you are feeling insecure and taking that as a slight on you or perhaps you're fixating on her somewhat. She's not the problem. He is.

He IS untrustworthy. And at a time when he has a baby and you need support he is being "distant". He has no business being distant, the useless thing!

Only time will tell, but that doesn't scream reliable to me so please don't depend on him.

Take steps to protect yourself and your baby - as his wife is protecting her daughter. He sounds feckless.

Isn’t it better for the wife to encourage his daughter to accept his new life? That would make things easier for everyone. she is. She is merely putting some conditions in place in order to allow any transition to happen as smoothly as possible. And it sounds as if the husband is beginning to realise the situation he’s been stupid enough to put himself in and is thinking of his existing child, the one he already has a relationship with.

At the moment you are nothing to this child. And chances are you won’t even be on the scene in six months time and he may not even choose to have contact with your baby as long as he pays maintenance.

You don’t live together, so you’re essentially just some woman from the office who trapped him into having a baby so he’d leave his wife. And yes, I realise that he was as much in the wrong there, and that you both needed to be responsible for contraception, but the difference is that he can walk away, whereas you can’t.

For now you need to put the idea of having any kind of relationship with his daughter aside, and accept that you are just as much to blame for this mess.

You don't sound like you give a shit ? This surely has to be a made up post and if it's not .. then yes as the title says you should be worried!

I thought you lived together. I don't see that happening any time soon and that's because he doesn't want to.

He doesn't want to be a full time dad and have to deal with a baby. He's been there and done that. If he and his wife wanted more kids I'm sure they wouldn't have left an 8 year gap.

It could also be that as he doesn't live with his DD, he doesn't want to live with you and your baby, in case his DD sees this as rejection. He's feeling guilty.

You're effectively a single parent.

He's not divorced because he doesn't want to be. Maybe he's hoping for a reconciliation and is hoping that by not living with you (when he is free to do so), it shows he's not in love with you.

It seems all to easy to say his wife is behind all this, but remember this is a man who stepped out on his marriage with a colleague and got her pregnant. He's not scared of her, the current situation suits him just fine. It's easier for him to tell you his wife says xyz, when it's really him who isn't keen.

When you say easier for everyone...what evidence do you have that it's causing problems for him, his DD or his wife?

If you didn't have the baby, he wouldn't have moved out. Now he isn't mad about the situation, but he's kind of trapped...by his own foolishness.

This really proved to be a very costly extra marital shag for him, which it sounds like he will always regret.

He hadn't got to know you, to even fall for you before the pregnancy. His idea of having an affair as a means of escaping from the domestic drudgery didn't get to happen and he got into an even worse situation... only now he's financially worse off for his philandering.

I can imagine if you ended it he'd be relieved.

He'll hardly be a catch to a third woman if he tells the truth of having an affair, getting his OW pregnant and then leaving you.

Is he on your child's birth certificate?
Does he pay regular child support?
Does he enjoy time with the baby?

Do you ever see his face and demeanour when he's alone with the baby or doesn't know your watching?

I know someone in a similar position, who said the answer to the last question is why she ended her relationship. He smiled with the baby when she was around, but a few times when he didn't know she was there he looked so sad with the baby and she once heard him crying.

When she ended it, he admitted the immense guilt he felt because the baby was evidence of his infidelity and the reason his wife divorced him. She would have forgiven an affair, but not with a love child.

He just couldn't bond with her the baby), because of the history and after they split he hardly saw her...but always paid child support.

That’s so sad @sandyY2K :( the poor innocent baby in all of it.

He was forced to leave his family because he got you pregnant.
He's made no move to divorce.
He doesn't live with you and your child.
He's not bothered about your having a relationship with his daughter.
He's not bothered about your having a relationship with his parents.
You had to leave work and your relationship and the existence of your child are basically a secret there (so any other young woman there would have no idea unless he told them).

I think he's telling everything you need to know.

What happened happened ...I think we need to be grown ups and move on. Isn’t it better for the wife to encourage his daughter to accept his new life? That would make things easier for everyone.

Easier...for you.

Certainly not for him, his wife and daughter. His traumatized 8 year old is not a grown up. Why should she be force-fed the presence of you and your baby? You are villainizing his wife, but both parents agree on this issue. He realizes that he has brutalized his child with his utter stupidity. He is not going to put you first.

You really don’t ‘get it,’ and he must see that. You have a cold, cavalier, unempathetic attitude about the damage you both have caused. It is not surprising that he is distant.

You are impatient for his daughter to accept ‘his new life’ with you. The truth is that he has not accepted it. He does not want to be divorced. He does not want to live with you. You assume that you are his only option, but you’re not.

Your plan is not working out the way you thought it would.

Wow, the judgement on this post is staggering. I don't normally post but I felt compelled to. My husband cheated, and left me for another woman. I almost cheated, because we were very unhappy. Many years later I have a very different perspective. Maybe don't be so quick to judge unless you've been there, some of these posts are pure venom. If you feel that strongly maybe you should examine yourself and figure out why you feel so strongly especially if it's something you have never experienced.

OP, you need to have a frank conversation with him. Regardless of what is in the past the present is what is important. If he doesn't want to be with you then you need to know. No one on this thread knows what he is thinking or doing, neither do you. You need to ask him. His relationship with his daughter and his wife's relationship with their daughter, or opinions on you are none of your business to be honest . You can only contribute to the relationships you are directly involved in.

@hazandduck

the poor innocent baby in all of it.

Indeed. It's always the innocent children... and the wife of course.

I know a case where the woman took her DH back after his affair and getting the OW pregnant, on the condition that the child got nothing in his will. In order to prevent any challenge when the time came, he was to leave the child 1 dollar. This was to show he had not forgotten the child, potentially enabling a court to overrule the will.

The wife's standing point was that this child would not have been born if her DH didn't cheat and that her DC, should not be financially disadvantaged because in her exact words he couldn't "keep it in his pants"

OP - It's an all round sad situation and you need to look to family and maybe friends for support.

It doesn't sound like he's in the frame of mind to be there for you because he knows he did wrong.

You've been 'together' for a little over a year.... much of that time has been spent being pregnant and being a new mum.

Both of which can be very tiring and you hardly feel at the top of your game during this time.

Out goes the spontaneous exciting sex with a big tummy, tiredness, morning sickness, swollen ankles, heartburn or any other number of pregnancy side effects. Some women have lots of them, others have none at all.

Now it's time to focus on your baby and as small as they are, they can be very demanding. So this isn't the time he's going to be getting his ego massaged, getting attention or getting swinging from the chandeliers sexfrom you is it.

You're in protective maternal mode.

From his POV, his life has taken a downward spiral since you got pregnant.

This is far from what he signed up for...but he has to take responsibility for that...sadly it doesn't mean he's going to be happy about the situation he's found himself in.