Should I be worried?

[ChocChick8]

Hello, to be honest I’m in a complicated situation. I met my current DP at work while he was married, but quite unhappily and thinking of separation. At most, our connection and feelings made him fonally take the step and separate, but he wanted that before me, I’m 100% sure. I very quickly accidentally got pregnant and he left his family - he has an 8-year old daughter he loves very much. That was a little less than a year ago. I now had the baby and I am so happy, but he has seemed distant for a while and I’m worried he’s in touch with his ex. What can I do? Could it just be me being over emotional because I just gave birth?

It is perfectly possible that he was unhappily married, staying with his wife for the sake of the child. We see loads of posts about that from subdued and unfulfilled people on here, it is not so unbelievable. There’s no reason to suspect that he was blissfully married and that the OP came sashaying along and ruined it.

However, I do think that things have moved far too quickly and that he may feel that his life has spiralled out of control. That might be why his attitude has changed. In his position I’d be questioning whether the pregnancy was indeed accidental (sorry OP, but you did ask for opinions) although it does of course take two! His family’s disapproval and the vanishing friends won’t help his state of mind either.

Prepare for singledom OP. Get your finances in place and ensure you have a support network.

Who knows what he is thinking. I think the wife is better off without him and am sure she will come to realise this, if she hasn't already.

OP I’m assuming you’ve changed some details but if not... this is the exact same situation with my ex and the woman he left me for.
Unlikely you’re the same person but starkingly similar!

Anyway, my exes side of the bed wasn’t even cold before he started very subtly trying to worm his way back into “being friends” at which point I told him to only contact me regarding DD but he takes no heed and tbh I just enjoy how pathetic he is.
I don’t feel one bit sorry for OW, she did everything in her power to destroy our family but I do know a family can’t be broken by outsiders.

I doubt his wife would want him back but that doesn't mean he isn't missing her, especially if she cut off contact when she found out he'd betrayed her so cruelly. That, the disapproval of his friends and family, and his own ineptitude as a playa must be quite the ego blow.

You sound very naive and your feelings of insecurity are your wake up call. You had an affair with a married man who was looking for an escape route and ended up creating more responsibilities. I'm not saying he doesn't love the child you have together but he's probably realising the fact that his life is a lot more complicated than he'd wanted and the grass might be looking greener on the old side of the fence. If his ex has any sense she won't want him back, certainly not since he fathered another child while he was still with her. You're right to feel insecure. You need to make motherhood and your child your absolute priority and have a very frank conversation with him about your future as a couple.

I have a friend who’s husband left her for another women.
After he’d been gone for a week or two, he came crawling back. (unbeknownst to ow).
My friend was not at all interested, however she said the things he wanted to hear and slept with him ... purely to cause the OW the same pain she’d caused my friend.

Not something I’d personally recommend, but things like this can become a self esteem battle.

You are right to be wary and you need to speak to your dp about your concerns. Talking is the only way forward.

As for his daughter, there are women posting here who after years and years find that their partners children don’t want to know them. They don’t invite them to weddings or involve them with grandchildren. It’s sad how a relationship that begins through infidelity can cause such lifelong pain and exclusion. That’s something you may just have to grow a thick skin to ... and if your dp’s daughter has expressed that she doesn’t want to meet you, then you do is right not to push that now. He has a duty to look after that child to his best ability and to cause her as little further disruption as possible.

I hope all works out for you for the sake of your dc.

• then your dp is right to.... (Autocorrect 😡)

I hope he's in touch with his wife, and I hope he still cares about her, they have a daughter together, that's what is best for her.

And on the absolute off chance that you are OW and your “D”P is in fact my ex, I’d urge you to read his sent messages and on the even more unlikely event you share finances, have a look at the utterly OTT gift he had sent to me for Mother’s day “from DD”

I met his daughter, but he always checks with his wife on terms surrounding her and she said he must have time alone with just the two of them, and no time with just her and me alone. And he agreed.

I said, to my ex, that DD mustn’t be cast aside and all her “daddy” time be diluted with OW there at all times. DD shouldn’t suffer because he made foolish choices.

That seems fair.

The wife's stipulation is reasonable and sensible and it's good he is respecting it. As MsDogLady says, a responsible parent would generally wait at least a year before introducing their child to a new partner, especially after the devastation of a marriage ending, so really you'd only be getting to that point now if it wasn't for your pregnancy. There's no need at all for you to spend time alone with his daughter. TBH the odds are so stacked against your relationship lasting that I'd be wary of allowing a child to invest much in it or you emotionally until it's on solid ground.

Sounds like his ex is being hugely reasonable.

He might be feeling torn, drawn back to her, or it might just be in your mind.

Talk to him.

This child was wounded when her Daddy left their home. A ‘normal’ separation would have been bad enough, but this little girl had to immediately face her father’s new, pregnant girlfriend. Her mother is wisely setting the boundaries necessary to help her child heal.

It is entirely possible he is living a double life. No one here can tell you any different.

The excitement of an affair, the drama of the having to leave, the fallout of that poor woman finding out that he'd got somebody pregnant and had been lying to her about more than just screwing somebody else - there's a high chance that he's realised that the expected happy ever after/hot sex/being 'young' and carefree has now become just the same as what he wanted to escape from; boring domesticity, just with the added complication of an upset child, betrayed wife, maintenance and realising he's screwed up all over the place.

Yes, he could well be having second thoughts. Whether that means going back to his wife if she'll have him or moving on to the next woman at work in the hope she falls for the 'I was stupid, but she trapped me to force me to leave my wife and child and I can't leave her just yet, so we'll have to wait a while and see each other when we can' line, isn't clear.

But he doesn't sound like somebody you are going to be able to rely upon to be trustworthy or in your lives forever, in all honesty.

Should you be worried?

You speak of your “connection and feelings.” If you are close and have a relationship based on mutual love and respect, surely you can ask him why he seems distant. Wouldn’t he want to know that you are troubled?

If, however, he pursued you as a sexual adventure, the rush may have faded. His thoughts might be elsewhere. He would be surveying the destruction caused by the two of you. He felt entitled to have his reckless fun, never intending to create a second family. The baby may not be enough to make him stick with you.

You are ”100% sure” that he wanted to separate before your affair. Did he tell you that? Cheaters lie. It’s what they do. If he could deceive his wife and daughter by leading a double life, then he could lie to you about his marriage. He was likely having sex with both of you. Regardless, he did not separate until after your pregnancy began. Now he is distant. He could be pining for his wife.

If he and his wife did have issues, he had a range of ethical responses to choose from. He opted for the unethical choice, an illicit affair. He still has the same weak character and sense of entitlement to feed his ego.

I wouldn’t count on fidelity from him. It’s not his strong suit.

What makes you think it's ex-wife? Could be someone at work. Someone to pass the boring work day with. Good luck.

I hope you feel all the pain and heartache you caused his wife & daughter

Everything happened very quickly. At first he saw you as a breath of fresh air, no nagging, no demands, to tighs. Then you got pregnant and he felt he had to go along with what he'd started because maybe he knew that his wife would never have him back knowing he'd cheated and create another child.

Now he realised that the breath of fresh air is not much different to what he had before and he is starting to realised the things he had with her that maybe he doesn't have with you. Maybe he is questioning whether he made a big mistake even if he loves his son.

/Pregnancy was an accident but I wanted the baby. no it wasn’t. You didn’t accidentally sleep with a married man did you? Did you deliberately get pregnant to force his hand by any chance? Put him under pressure to leave his wife for you?

To be blunt it never ceases to astound me the number of people who end up with “unplanned” pregnancies so early into relationships when couples seem to manage to not fall pregnant all the time if they don’t want a baby. And these early pregnancies always seem to have one thing in common - insecurity.

TBH none of us can know the state of this man’s marriage or whether he was unhappy with his ex wife etc. It may be though that he had a crisis, left the marriage and then realised the grass ain’t greener after all... Given the ex is behaving very reasonably with regards to access to the daughter she’s clearly a decent individual and may even have agreed that the marriage was in trouble but some time apart has given them an opportunity to re-evaluate.

Or it may be something else. But either way I think you need to accept that you were likely only an interlude, and that if he can leave an already established family as quickly as all that then you and his baby likely mean very little to him anyway.

It doesn't bode well, does it? You didn't exactly start your relationship based on trust and respect if that's the way he ended things with his ex wife. Always look at how a new partner ended it with their ex as it speaks volumes of the person they truly are. Leopards rarely change their spots so it is highly unlikely your relationship will survive. He is probably wracked with guilt with regards to his daughter, so whether he will cheat on you with his ex-wife or not, the fact is that the relationship with his daughter is damaged and this will take it's toll.

Had he ended the relationship with his wife with dignity and respect rather than having to leave because you were pregnant, I think it would be a different kettle of fish.

But what do you expect, really?

This happend to a friend of mine and now he is with none of the women and my friend is still struggling with what her husband did and was years ago.some men just cant settle down even with children ,a child wont keep a man.
If i were u i would ask him whats going on thats me tho ,i ask my husband whatever is on my mind ,its best to ask than worry & get upset over something that may not even be happening.

He must be wondering if it was all worth it.

• Marriage over
• Parents not keen on you.
• Lost friends
• Probably talked about at work.

Add to all that he was expecting some extra marital fun sex... not to have attention taken away from him and on a baby.

It takes away the opportunity to be spontaneous and do those care free things you do in the early stages of a relationship.

He must be kicking himself for not using protection...because if he leaves you, that's 2x2 and child support to add.

Chances are he does regret it, but his Ex won't have him back. If he leaves you, then that's the potential of a third child with someone else. It'll be a big dilemma for him. On the one hand a new partner would probably be accepted bu his friends and family....but that comes with other issues.

Most women want a child...so he's either got to find one who doesn't or who has her own already. Then hell think...what's the point in living with someone else's kids and not his own... so he sticks with you and his child. It's better than the other options for now.

His current position is likely to accept he fucd up and he feel his misery is if his own making. Kind of 'you made your bed, so lie in it'

He agrees to what his wife asks because he respects her... many ex husbands have no regard for their Ex. In addition he probably carries a lot of guilt.

Does his DD see your child much?

I don't see this lasting long term, because of your starting point. You will always be a reminder of what he did and there could be inner resentment with the alleged accidental pregnancy.

When your sleeping with someone else's husband, double and triple protection should have been a priority for both of you